Takes

Bartolo Colon is not a Hall of Famer despite his longevity and wins

Bartolo Colon is one of those guys that we should make a special rule where he should get to start one game for every single team for an entire season. ... Not a Hall of Famer, but a very good, memorable pitcher. He has more families than home runs. Four-time All-Star and a Cy Young in 2005. That's pretty damn good. Good job for you, Bartolo.

I bet Hank eats at least 13 In-N-Out patties during Grit Week

The number of patties of In-N-Out that Hank eats this week, I'm putting at 12.5.

The Manning family will have a quarterback in the NFL until the day we die

We're all going to die here. We're going to die before Mannings are out of the NFL. Like there are going to be Mannings in the NFL till the day we die. They're just never, they're going to outlast us as human beings.

I guarantee I will win the career Grand Slam

At what point in your career do you think you'll have all four majors? Guarantee it. I'm trying to figure out when the next time we play St. Andrews because I will win one at St. Andrews. I know that.

Larry Fitzgerald is a 100% lock for the first-ballot Hall of Fame

There's never been more of a lock for Hall of Fame than Larry Fitzgerald. He will be 100% first vote.

Saquon Barkley will retire early from the NFL because the Giants are so incompetent

I can't wait until Saquon [Barkley] retires like year eight because he's like, fuck this shit. I'm Barry Sanders in this.

Zion Williamson is a bust-proof prospect

The best shots in the league are still near the rim, and he's going to be able to get there. He's a big boy, and he's athletic. He's a bust-proof, in my opinion.

The Chargers will never win a Super Bowl in their Baby Blue jerseys

They're never going to win a Super Bowl in the Baby Blues, but it looks great. I'm done believing in the San Diego Chargers.

The podcast industry will eventually die like magazines

Everything's going to die. Listen, whatever project you're working on, that thing is not going to exist in 100 years. I don't care who you are. So yeah, everything's going to die.

I will own an NFL team in the future

I'm a young guy. I think it's a great opportunity. It's something I'd like to do in the future.

Baseball writers will hold Ichiro's unannounced retirement against him in Hall of Fame voting

This is going to cost him some votes in the Hall of Fame. When he's eligible, people are saying that he might be another unanimous entry... but I would not put it past baseball writers to get upset about not getting the heads up about his retirement and hold that against him five years from now.

Larry Fitzgerald will retire and run for the U.S. Senate in Arizona

I think Larry Fitzgerald's goal here is when he's going to wait for a Senate seat to come up in Arizona, and he's going to retire and run immediately for the United States Senate. And so that's why he keeps playing in Arizona so that the entire population of the state is like, 'this is our guy.'

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

The world will be completely over in 150 years

I am 100% one of those people now that thinks the world's going to be done in 150 years. ... People who are saying we'll figure it out, it's too late. We have not figured it out.

The world will be over in 15 years

I think take away the zero [from 150 years]. Oh, 15. ... [The world's] done.

The Minnesota Timberwolves will never win an NBA title due to the Ja Rule curse

The Minnesota Timberwolves will never win an NBA title. It has been declared. You just jinxed yourself talking to the God [Ja Rule] this way. You're cursed now. You won't win a championship for the next 30 years and [Karl-Anthony Towns] is leaving.

The Houston Texans will never win a Super Bowl

The Texans will never win a Super Bowl.

I believe I can play 10 more years in the NFL

I probably got like 10 more. Yeah, I probably got like six or like seven real years in me than the last three I just steal. Just get in on third downs.

Patrick Mahomes' unorthodox fundamentals will eventually fail him as his athleticism dips

The league is going to catch up to Patrick Mahomes throwing sidearm. 20 years from now, when his athleticism starts to dip, you can't rely on bending, contorting your body and running sideways and throwing sidearm passes. You just can't. So I have my doubts.

I want to reach 200 pounds for the first time in my life

I'm going to gain eight pounds in January. Because I'm eight pounds away from 200. I've never been 200 in my life.

The New Zealand Breakers would crush Rick Pitino's Greek team

Panathinaikos versus the Breakers. Who wins? Breakers. Yeah, for real? Yeah, definitely. We would crush Panathinaikos. No chance.

I hope to get into the Hall of Fame despite my mistakes

Look, I really hope and wish that I get in. But ultimately, that's not my decision. But I do think that I have a great opportunity... if that cost me the Hall of Fame, then I have no one to blame but myself.

Quentin Nelson is a future Hall of Famer

When I'm talking to you guys, and we're talking a decade from now, Quentin Nelson will have been in like nine Pro Bowls and All-Pro like eight times. Safe to stick in this draft. You might as well put a damn mustard-colored jacket on his ass right now.

No one will own cars in 15 years because of automation

He [CEO of Mercedes-Benz] says in 15 years that we're not going to own cars anymore. They're all going to be electric vehicles... The vehicle will pull up in front of your house... those changes are going to change the entire world. [Auto insurance and repair industries will disappear].

Eli Manning is definitely going to be in the Hall of Fame

He's going to be in the Hall of Fame, which we can embrace debate. I actually looked through his numbers. I did some deep diving. It's interesting to be like he's a Hall of Famer for sure and then look at his career and be like half the seasons you had to even ask if he was good.

Bill O'Brien is a bad coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Bill O'Brien's a bad coach and no way he's going to win a Super Bowl. Yeah, exactly. No way he's going to win a Super Bowl.

The Browns will win a Super Bowl in the 21st century

This is the portion of the interview where we let you predict when the Browns will win the Super Bowl. 2020? In the 21st century, yeah. ... Okay, so you are saying that you will win a Super Bowl with the Browns. Just maybe not the statue.

If Titanic 2 sinks, it would be the greatest moment ever

If the Titanic 2 could somehow sink, it would be the greatest moment ever... because you're an asshole for riding on the Titanic 2.

Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl

I also think that Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl... I don't trust a guy like that... He basically thinks he's living inside of a ted talk right now and his job he like reads too many motivational quotes.

A Colin Kaepernick primetime game for the 49ers would be the highest-rated game of the season

I actually think that if Colin Kaepernick started a game in prime time for the 49ers, it would be the highest-rated game of the entire season. Absolutely. And Twitter would melt down.

The US will win the World Cup in 25 years thanks to Cristiano Ronaldo's son

Cristiano Ronaldo's son is now playing for Juventus under nine. And he was born in San Diego, so he's an American citizen. We're going to win the World Cup in 25 years.

I have unfinished business with hosting a talk show and would do it again

Yeah, I feel like it's unfinished business. I haven't failed at a lot of stuff in my life... but that was like, man, that really left me disappointed in the result, maybe in myself, in the circumstances. Yeah, I'd like to do it. I had a show and a pilot I did with Rudd and with David Spade and with Molly Shannon for a late-night Fox show that never saw the light of day that I'm really proud of.

Saquon Barkley is a future Hall of Famer

Saquon Barkley, future Hall of Famer. His legs look even bigger in pads.

Sex bots will be perfected before robot umpires or doctors

I think we're going – if history has taught us anything, it's that sex is always on the bleeding edge of technology. So after we perfect sex bots – Then we'll get around to making things like doctors, surgeons. Robot umps and robot baseball players.

I am going to die during the summer because I can no longer handle the heat

I realized something today. I'm going to be one of those people that dies in the summer because I just can't take the heat anymore. I fucking hate the summer. I'm done with the summer. I've just realized that I'm going to be probably in my 50s or 60s and it will be one of those situations where I'm mowing the lawn... and then I'm just going to die.

I have about 10 years of football left in me

I probably got, like, 10 more [years]... I probably got, like, six or, like, seven, like, real years in me. Then the last three, I just steal... Dwight Freeney style. Just, like, be a mercenary in the middle of the year.

I will announce my NFL retirement on Pardon My Take

Lane Johnson will announce his retirement at some point on Pardon My Take. Okay. We want to shake hands on this? Yeah. Okay, let's shake hands. We will do this.

Federal legalization of marijuana is an absolute 'layup' for the U.S.

Federally legalized marijuana. I mean, we're halfway there... I think one day we'll look back and look at this like prohibition and it'll look really fucking stupid.

Predicts Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will get divorced

I saw a lot of people tweeting like, oh, my God... they love each other. I can't wait for them to get divorced. It's going to be awesome. I hope she takes them for all of Sussex.

Legalized gambling will eventually end the relationship with personal bookies

My first hot seat is your bookie... gambling is legal. I don't think anyone's going to lose their bookie overnight. I think it's going to be probably like a decade, but at some point the bookie relationship will be something of the past. And that's very sad.

The Minnesota Vikings are never going to win a Super Bowl

The Vikings are never going to win a Super Bowl... It's just not the cards, though.

We should nuke aliens immediately if we find them

If we find a planet with aliens on them, we just nuke the planet immediately. Can't take that chance. They definitely have better weapons than us. We should become the aliens that we're afraid of coming to us.

LeBron James will not go to the Sixers if they win the title this year

The Sixers don't want to win this year... if the Sixers win this year, then there's no chance LeBron goes to Philly. LeBron James is many things now, but he's not a ring chaser.

I am rooting for LeBron to get to the Finals just so he can lose for a 10th time

I'm rooting for the Cavs in the Eastern Conference this year... Because I want LeBron to lose again in the finals. I want the losses. I have the dream in my mind, the dream that Hank spoke out loud last year when he's like, what if LeBron ends up losing 10 NBA finals? So I am all in on the Cavs up until the finals.

I have about 10 years left in the NFL

I probably got, like, 10 more [years]... I probably got, like, six or, like, seven, like, real years in me. Then the last three, I just steal. Just go to, like, just pass rush on third down.

Every state in the US will eventually legalize marijuana

Every state is going to be legalized. It's just a matter of time.

Kyle Schwarber is going to be a Hall of Famer

That's me with Kyle Schwarber. He's going to be a Hall of Famer. I've said it before. And this is the first step.

Curling, lacrosse, and rugby will be the only sports left by 2050

In the year 2050, those [curling, lacrosse, and rugby] are going to be the only three options of sports that you have.

Editing Wikipedia for clients will be a high-paying job in twenty years

Editing Wikipedia pages is actually... That's going to be a very high-paying job if you have that skill set over the next 20 years. When was the last time you looked somebody up for an interview and dug deeper than their Wikipedia page?

Wisconsin will win a national title in Big Cat's lifetime

Wisconsin will win a national title in your lifetime. It will happen. ... I actually think football is a better chance probably, because basketball is a real lightning bolt.