Takes

I don't want to start a family because aliens will likely kill us all within five years

I like thinking that aliens are real because then it really is like there's no reason to do anything. 'cause like within five years, like the aliens are gonna just come up and fuck us off. ... Like starting a family. It's like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna have kids like aliens are gonna come and kill 'em all. Yeah. Like, I don't, like I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna keep doing my thing.

The city of Philadelphia will never win a championship in any sport ever again

My Cool Throne is the city of Philadelphia never winning anything ever. Joel Embiid, our prince... made comments the other day that he wants to win a Championship in Philadelphia or anywhere else... It seems like if he doesn't win this year in Philly, he's probably out.

Charlie Woods will start his own professional golf league

Tiger Woods' father Charlie is gonna start his own golf league. A professional golf league. Outside. That's why he has him a commenting.

Players caught using steroids should be able to win their freedom back by winning the Home Run Derby

I was thinking that they could incorporate a rule change where if a player gets busted for steroids, they could then elect compete in the home run Derby to win their freedom to win their way out. If they win the home run Derby, they get to come back for the rest of the year and they get to continue using steroids for the rest of the year.

Tom Brady is a 'trophy husband' who needs a sugar mama like Kim Kardashian

Tom Brady is a stay-at-home dad. He needs to find another sugar mama to pay his bills because he always likes women who make more than him. That's just the facts. ... He's a trophy husband. ... Now he's looking for someone to take care of him.

Tiger Woods will win another major championship

I'm standing behind my guy. Tiger Woods wins another major. For sure.

Jordan Poole will average 35 points a game for the Wizards while they win zero games

Getting Jordan Poole on your team to be the man and like, 'Hey Jordan Poole, we're giving you the keys to the car.' These Wizards are gonna go as far as Jordan Poole will take them and Jordan Poole's gonna average 35 points a game and they're gonna win like zero games next year. It's gonna be beautifully bad basketball to watch.

Only Jokic, Luka, and Giannis are untradeable for the Wembanyama pick

Jokic, you'd hang up. Luka, you'd hang up. Giannis, you'd hang up. Embiid, you'd trade him. Tatum probably [trade him]. Booker... the list is probably like three guys. ... Normally I'd go, well wait, I don't wanna trade a guy who I know has already done it for somebody that I've never seen actually do it. But that's how special Victor is.

The 1990s Buffalo Bills are a dynasty

Do you consider the bills of the nineties of Dynasty? ... I would [say so]. We'll never see that again. Ever. We saw Brady, we saw Brady with the Patriots and Belichick and they didn't make four in a row... the bills of the early nineties dynasty there, there's names from that team that are all over the hall of fame.

Joel Embiid doesn't have the fight or leadership to lead the Sixers to a title

I don't know at this point this might just me be me talking angry shit because they're, they lost. But I think maybe Embiid could go too at this point. I don't think he's, he might be a winner. Yeah, yeah. He's awesome. I mean he's an unbelievable talent and... I just don't think he's like a, he doesn't have that fight. Like you said, he won't put the, he can't lead that team.

The Lakers have a chance to pull off a miraculous comeback against the Nuggets

I still think there's a chance right now maybe that's, maybe that's wishful thinking. But I think if anyone's going to do it, it's this squad. ... All we know right now at the point that this has come out is that the Lakers have begun their comeback. It's currently one in three and we don't know what's gonna happen after this.

Brooks Koepka will catch Tiger Woods's major record

Brooks is 10 away from Tiger. I'm gonna be the first to say it. Brooks can catch Tiger Woods's major record.

Victor Wembanyama is probably not that good because he is too skinny and too French

I did just go straight into like, he's probably not even that good... I might be on Victor Wembanyama is too big, too skinny. And also Rudy Gobert is would be his like, you know, Frenchman and so maybe what's the best dog he can have in him? A French poodle?

The US Men's National Team will win the 2026 World Cup because of Folarin Balogun

We got a big defection... Folarin Balogun. He's on the arsenal, he's on the arsenals and he's a striker. And we don't have a striker... so it's coming home 2026. Hell, yes. Way to go, dude.

I am not moving to Chicago with the rest of the show

I will not be moving to Chicago. Kind of been in denial about it. It sucks to say there are various parts of my life that I keep private that impacted this decision. I hope you guys respect the decision. Please just remember that I am the only one who can weigh all the factors that impact my life.

I will become a scratch golfer by the end of the week

I'm gonna become a scratch golfer by the end of the week.

If Steph Curry beats LeBron James in the second round, he moves to #2 all-time

I'm personally putting LeBron's legacy on the line in this matchup against Steph Curry. So if Steph beats him, Steph goes up to number two all time as far as I'm concerned.

The Ravens fleeced themselves by giving Lamar Jackson $185 million guaranteed

Lamar Jackson is still a Raven... he got 185 million guaranteed. That's a lot of money to guarantee to a running back. And I mean the Ravens kind of, they fleeced themselves on that one. Like who? Nobody in their right mind was gonna trade anything worth anything for that guy.

The NBA rigged Game 3 of the Sixers-Nets series to extend it

No, I mean it, it was just blatant at halftime. There was, there was something that happened. There was something that happened at halftime... The Nets had zero fouls in the second half until five minutes to go in the fourth quarter. It was insane. They obviously wanted a series they wanted, but they wanted the game to go more than four games.

The replacement of Sierra Mist with Starry is a handout to 'Big Corn'

This does feel like a Biden special... This is a big handout to Big corn. Yeah. To the corn syrup market. Because Sierra Mist was made with real sugar while Starry uses high fructose corn syrup.

I can read defensive progressions at a higher level than half the starting quarterbacks in the NFL

How many NFL teams do you think you could start for now... I believe I can read that progression and deliver a ball that is gonna be completed [better than half the league]... It's the ability to read down the field progressions... I can honestly say that I believe I can read that at that progression and deliver a ball that is gonna be completed.

If Bill Belichick gets Lamar Jackson, the Patriots will win a Super Bowl

If he goes to the fucking Patriots, they will win his Super Bowl. They win. ... You take a guy who's been completely underutilized... and you put him with the Patriots, who now fucking Bill Belichick has something to prove. ... Belichick has that horse cock. That's why the Broncos wanted it.

Miami will upset Houston and make the Final Four

Hot Take Miami can beat them. Ooh. And I'm gonna be the one guy that picks Miami to win... Miami is a bad matchup for Houston... I am going to go out on a limb and pick them. Wow. Because I think I, I don't trust Houston's offense.

The 2023 Final Four will have no #1 or #2 seeds

It would not shock me if when we get to Houston for the final four, if there's no one and two seeds in the final four.

No team from the ACC will reach the Sweet 16

Accs definitely at the bottom. I don't, I don't see anyone making the Sweet 16 from the acc.

Keith Hernandez has toxoplasmosis from his cat, which is why he's messing up player names

Keith Hernandez has toxoplasmosis from living with his cat. Oh. That's why he's messing up names. But I mean, is it really a mess up? Because Chaz Chisholm [Jazz Chisholm] is just a Hall of fame name.

Jake Paul purposely lost to Tommy Fury to make the rematch more profitable

The conspiracy part of Twitter... they were saying that Jake Paul, in order to sell the next fight purposely knew that it would be bad if he won this fight. I think the storyline's better for a second fight... because no one would want to watch another one if he just beat him.

The new PLL Sixes format is the best lacrosse product and will replace regular rules

I think the new, the new PLL championship series six is, is actually I think like the best lacrosse product I've ever seen. Like I think it's gonna replace regular, the regular rules. I think this is how the game is gonna be played in the future. It's the best lacrosse product you can put out.

Vacations are for suckers and losers

Full stop. Fucking work hard. Hank vacation. Boy, you're soft bitch. All these vacations you're taking. I didn't even like doing it. I wanted to be working with the boys... vacations for suckers and losers.

Victor Wembanyama will be better than LeBron James was at his peak

We actually, we should get credit in the media because like we were so right about LeBron James we called it. And guess what I'm calling it right now? Wembanyama is gonna be great. Yeah. He's gonna be, he's gonna even be better than LeBron at his peaks.

I'm going to beat Billy McFarland in a fight and donate the winnings to the people of the Bahamas

Billy McFarland is down to fight you... Fire fist. Billy verse Billy... It's a battle for the people of the Bahamas. The good people of the Bahamas that sacrificed so much and got so very ripped off... I'm gonna beat his ass. Gonna skull fuck him.

Jerry Jones doesn't actually want another Super Bowl because the 'hunt' keeps him alive

I think that Jerry [Jones] doesn't want another Super Bowl because it keeps him alive. The hunt... you gotta have something to live for. If Jerry gets another title, then it's like, well, I'm out.

The Q-collar technology causes players to make bad on-field decisions

Dalton Schultz today was wearing a... Q-collar. It's supposed to help protect the brain from injury... I have a theory. This technology... it's supposed to constrict certain blood vessels going to your brain... I think these guys are just lightheaded. And it's just, he had a bird brain.

Aaron Rodgers has officially retired from football

I think he's retired. I think he's done. He didn't talk much after the game. They asked him for a jersey swap. He said no, hang on to this one. And then he walked into the hallway with Randall Cobb arm in arm... as a body language expert, I think that Aaron Rodgers has retired from football as first reported by Pardon My Take.

Nebraska is going to land the #1 recruit for 2024, Dylan Raiola

I think we're gonna land him. Really? Yeah. Number one recruit 2024. His last name's Raiola... I think ultimately what I'm saying is... in my gut, I think that's the, that's the centerpiece of Nebraska.

If you win only one Super Bowl, you actually have zero

He's won one Super Bowl, which we can get into cause I have the theory that if you win one Super Bowl, you actually have none.

Bill Belichick should coach the Browns to one-up Tom Brady's legacy

What's the only thing that Belichick could do that could one up Tom Brady's legacy now that Tom Brady went to the Bucs and won a Super Bowl? Winning the Super Bowl with the Cleveland Browns.

Michael Penix Jr. has a stronger arm than Josh Allen

Michael Penix was convinced to come back to Washington... he's not Josh Allen as far as total overall skillset as far as the size. But as far as arm strength is concerned, this kid might have a stronger arm than Josh Allen. ... you can't believe a human is able to throw a football that hard on a line like that.

The World Cup final will end in a 4-4 draw and France will win on penalty kicks

Four four penalty kicks... I think we'll go one each and extra time... And then France wins one gold to nothing in penalty case.

I would commit wire fraud or several felonies to have Patrick Mahomes as my quarterback

I would commit several felonies to have Patrick Mahomes as my quarterback. Yeah, I was thinking about that. Like, if you could reverse time and go back and, and make a deal with the devil... I think I would, I would steal a car. I would commit wire fraud. I would act, I would actually steal candy from a baby. I I to get Patrick Mahomes as my, like, to be a Chiefs fan.

I would give up six toes for Patrick Mahomes

I do a weekly hit with, with Waddle and Sylvia in Chicago and they asked me, I think it was like maybe a year or two ago. How many toes? Six. Yeah. Three and three. Yeah. Three on one foot foot, three on the others. Easily six toes. I'd give up for Patrick Mahomes.

Brock Purdy is a better quarterback than Tom Brady right now

Brock, I be honest with you, if you, if you were to take one quarterback right now for the rest of the season, if you were putting together like a stretch run. Yeah. Would you rather have Brock Purdy or Tom Brady right now? ... he is way better than Tom Brady right now. Well, he, Tom Brady stinks right now.

Chat GPT is going to replace everything

There's this new program called Chat GPT. ... this thing can basically write blogs. ... this thing's gonna replace everything. ... I'm definitely gonna be using this because, yeah, it's just insane.

Coach Prime will win a national championship at Colorado

Coach Prime going to Colorado... How much does that really [matter if he has experience]? He's Gonna win a national championship is what you're saying? Yes.

I guarantee a USMNT World Cup championship in 2026

This is mission accomplished. It's a win. Anything else on top of that is gravy. We won the World Cup today by advancing out of the group stage... in 2026, that's when the boys spread their wings and become a butterfly. And that's, I'm guaranteeing personally a United States World Cup championship in 2026.

Russell Wilson needs to go on an Ayahuasca journey to fix his ego

I actually do think that Russell Wilson is the quarterback that needs to do drugs the most... there's no quarterback in the NFL that's more in need of like a nice piping hot glass of Ayahuasca than Russell Wilson is. Ego death. Go off into the jungle for the next two months.

WWE will engage in a massive bidding war for me in 2024

On January 1st, 2024, they [WWE] will most certainly be making their bid to get MJF over there... I'm a very simple man [money]. If they offer a penny more, this is a business.

The Broncos and Raiders game will end in a tie

I think I'm gonna bet on a tie... You have to bet on a tie. It's been so wrong all year. You have to bet on a tie... Plus 1500.

The Colts hired Jeff Saturday as bait to eventually lure Peyton Manning to be the GM

My conspiracy theory says that they hired Jeff Saturday because they want to hire Peyton Manning to run the team to do a GM in the future... Now Jeff Saturday is a real life puppet of Peyton Manning as the head coach just to bring the rest of Peyton Manning's body from the wrist all the way back to be the, to be the general manager.

Dimitri Bivol might be one of the best pound-for-pound fighters of all time

I think Bivol might end up being one of the best pound-for-pound fighters of all time in the world. Maybe in of all time... honestly, for his legacy, which he deserves, I think he needs to fight Canelo again at 168.