Takes

October football results don't matter; wake me up when it's playoff time

Actually, you know what? I might just flip my mentality. I might, I might put on my, my Hank hat for a second. We're talking about October football game. Like, it wake me up when it's playoff time. This team doesn't, we don't, we don't even take things seriously until the playoffs.

The Warriors' lack of adjustment against Peyton Pritchard in the 4th quarter was a massive mistake

I don't understand what the warriors were doing where like Peyton Pritchard was on Steph Curry because Marcus smart was on the bench and they didn't attack Peyton Pritchard the entire fourth quarter. It was crazy. Like they just didn't, they, I don't know why they didn't attack him.

Teddy Bridgewater is not a better quarterback than Blake Bortles

Can I just say fuck everyone for thinking that Teddy Bridgewater is better than Blake Bortles? ... Blake had a bad wrist last year, and he got it cleaned up. And he was a quarter away from the Super Bowl, so everyone just shut up.

The Lakers were never winning a title because their roster was the problem, not coaching.

I still think that the roster is the problem that they just don't have enough guys. And the Nuggets were a better basketball team no matter how many minutes the Lakers led. Execution and being able to win games late is what makes the team better... They were a good team. They were never a great team.

Teddy Bridgewater is a good quarterback when the offense allows him to throw deep

Teddy Bridgewater is actually good when you let him throw the ball deep. ... I think his problem is Teddy is very, very accurate on short passes and so then they just have him throw those all the time ... but just let him throw the ball deep and the offense actually looks competent.

Conor McGregor's rampage at Barclays Center was a real incident, not a work

I cannot figure out, a lot of people are saying it might be a work. I think it's real. I think it's absolutely real.

Teddy Bridgewater is simply a winning quarterback and one of the best in the NFL right now

I went and looked it up of the active quarterbacks in the NFL right now for 40 minimum starts best winning percentage Patrick Mahomes 1 Tom Brady 2 Russell Wilson 3 Ben Roethlisberger 4 Aaron Rodgers 5, Teddy Bridgewater 6... All he does is win and all he does is a win as an underdog. He's 12 and 10 straight up as an underdog.

I would rather watch the playoffs fan-free than have the Patriots make it just to get smoked

Honestly, I know I have to watch these games anyway. I would rather just watch the playoffs completely fan free because I know it's get my hopes up and be like, oh, you know, I have to worry about and like, kind of put myself up for them winning. Even though if they won the first game, they're getting smoked the second game. They're probably getting smoked the first game.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

Super Bowl 53 was the worst Super Bowl I've ever watched

That was the worst Super Bowl. I think we can all agree the worst Super Bowl we've ever watched. [It] just wasn't well played. Like, it was compelling because it was close late... but it just was gross.

I could break the underwater bench press record

The underwater bench press record was broken... repped it out 77 times, beating the previous record of 62 times. Only 110 pounds... it's more of just a holding your breath thing. So I'm kind of, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, I could do that. I could break that record.

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

I'd rather watch Marshawn Lynch be disappointed at bad NFL games than the actual broadcast

I would just like to watch beast mode be disappointed at shitty games for the rest of the season. Just watch and be like, what the fuck are they doing out there?

The Packers' all-white 'Winter Warning' uniforms are a disgusting affront to football

The Packers going with the all-white uniforms and all-white helmets are a disgusting affront to football color rush. It's a disgusting front. The Green Bay Packers—and I hate them—their football jerseys and color scheme are football. They should never do any type of gimmicky alternate bullshit. If you're a Packers fan, you should be disgusted by this.

Teddy Bridgewater is 23-8 against the spread in his last 31 starts as an underdog

Here's the main takeaway from Teddy Bridgewater being named the starting quarterback of the Denver Broncos. He is 23 and eight against the spread in his last 31 starts as an underdog. When Teddy Bridgewater is an underdog, bet on Teddy Bridgewater.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

Trevor Lawrence is Teddy Bridgewater 2.0

He's like a six-month-old dog... His paws are big. He's got skinny shoulders. He's got skinny hips. Skinny knees. He's like Teddy Bridgewater 2.0.

Teddy Bridgewater is the best quarterback in NFL history at covering spreads

The dolphins minus three and a half... Teddy Bridgewater, the best quarterback in the history of the NFL at covering spreads. Spread Bridgewater. I saw some people call him Teddy covers. No, it's Spread Bridgewater. He is 42-20-0 against the spread that hits at a .677 clip. That's number one by far.

Jack Del Rio is like a gambler on a heater who just lost all his money

Jack Del Rio, he's your friend who got on a heater and was like, no, no, no, don't worry, guys. I'm still up. I'm still up. And then you look and he's lost all his money.

Teddy Bridgewater doesn't get enough credit and just wins games

I don't give Teddy Bridgewater enough credit. Teddy Bridgewater deserves more credit for being... now, you know getting a starting job for a rebuilding Panthers team... all he does is win and like I know they're only 2 and 2 but everyone thought... the Panthers were going to be one of the worst teams in the league.

I prefer watching women's soccer over men's soccer because the U.S. actually wins.

I actually like watching women's soccer better than men's soccer because we actually win in women's soccer.

I can swim 100 yards underwater and hold my breath for 5 minutes

[Billy Football's question] was how far can you swim underwater... 100 yards. You can? Yeah. [And] how long can you stay underwater if you're not moving? I don't know. Maybe around five minutes.

It is time for an open and honest dialogue about Teddy Bridgewater not being a franchise starter

Teddy doesn't look great. And he's so easy to root for too because of the injury and all that stuff. And everywhere he goes, people seem to love him. But I think it's time for America to have an open and honest dialogue about Teddy Bridgewater. I don't think that John Elway is going to stick with Teddy going into [next year].

Derek Jeter was only the second-best shortstop on the Yankees

Second best shortstop on that Yankees team. Behind A-Rod.

Drafting Jalen Carter was a genius move for the Eagles, but he would not have worked for the Bears because they lack veteran defensive leadership.

I actually think that it was genius for the Eagles to take [Jalen Carter]. And the Bears did not take him because everything we've heard about him, he needs veteran leadership around him. The Bears do not have that. The Eagles have the opposite. They have a lot of great defensive players, a lot of older Fletcher Cox, like a lot of guys that will help him.

I would rather watch March Madness 100 times out of 100 over the WBC

If you tell me, would you rather watch World Baseball Classic or March Madness? I'd say March Madness a hundred times out of a hundred times.

Saint Mary's was the worst team I've ever watched and their game against Alabama was boring and terrible.

That was the worst college basketball game I think I've ever seen. It was so bad, like boring and bad to watch. Saint Mary's is the worst team ever, worst team I've ever watched. How was this team a fucking seven seed? They sucked.

Marquis Noel is the best individual performance I've ever watched in the tournament

It was the best game I've ever watched in my life out of a single player. Like you can, you can point to other individual performances in the tournament... but the way that he took over the entire court was unreal.

The Toronto Raptors are the softest team I've ever watched

The Raptors are the softest team I've ever watched. And having Fred VanVleet take the game-winning shot in overtime, how do you have DeRozan and Lowry and you have these guys... they shrink in every big moment. They're so soft that they made Kevin Love look like the tough guy.

The USGA's ban on the belly putter was a major mistake that cost me money and potential Ryder Cup appearances

I would think a lot of times of how much money this [belly putter ban] cost me or how many Ryder Cups maybe this cost me or majors or whatever... it was a tough time but I now when I look back, it's great cuz I shoved it, you know, screw them and now I feel better than ever.

A 'Hangover Crawl' starting with Pedialyte cocktails and ending in a movie theater would be a million-dollar business

I think it can make a million bucks. We start a hangover crawl, which is like a 1 o'clock meetup... You start out with Pedialyte cocktails, a Bloody Mary. You move on to like a Klonopin bar, some margaritas. Then you go to like a movie theater where you play a boring movie, let people pass out for 90 minutes. Give them an IV... I think that's key.

The Broncos will be a profitable betting team because of Teddy Bridgewater's stability

This team, the Broncos this year will be a bet on team for me because Teddy Bridgewater is perfect for Vic Fangio's defense like a quarterback that's not going to make mistakes, not going to lose you the game. Let the defense win you the game.

Fans will hate watching sports with no crowds after just two days

Two days into baseball and stadiums... with no fans in the stands and guys sitting like eight seats apart in the bleachers people going to go like this blows. I don't like this everyone hates everything. No one's gonna like it.

I hate watching playoff football on an app like Peacock

I hate the experience of watching a game on an app as opposed to watching on TV, where you can easily and elegantly and seamlessly flip back and forth and show off your skills going back to the game right as it's about to snap again... it's a playoff game and it stinks.

Tyler Linderbaum is a first-round pick and the most compelling center to watch in football

Iowa is the first football team that I've ever watched where I can't take my eyes off the center. Tyler Linderbaum. I'm giving you that name right now... This dude, he's going to be first round pick. I would take him as high as it gets. I'm in love with watching... this dude just murders people. He destroys people.

It is better to watch the Yankees lose late in the playoffs than in the Wild Card game

I'm going to disagree on the fact that you're glad they lost tonight because it's going to be so much better to watch them lose two games or three games.

You must always order two bagels: one to eat immediately and one for an hour later

You order one bagel to eat right away, and then the other is like an hour later. You have to. You have to. That's how you get to 'deuce hogs.'

If you are going on a boat party before a playoff game, you better win that game

This is a classic if you're going to go on a boat party. It's the old Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson and Cabo rule. If you're going to go hang out before a playoff game, you better win that fucking playoff game.

The NFL is better when the Patriots are losing

I'm sorry to get right into it about the Patriots, but I do wanna say the NFL is better when the Patriots are losing. I'm not kidding. Think about this season and how exciting it's been. How many ups and downs... when the Patriots aren't in play, it's just more fun. It's wide open.

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed because it shuts off his dumb thoughts

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. ...More instinctual. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

Oregon looks like the best team ever

Oregon looks like the best team ever. Well they do. Dan Lanning... we gotta put a reminder out there that Dan Lanning, if anyone steps to Dan Lanning, take the other side.

Deshaun Watson should retire because the Texans are a franchise that can drive a player to that

I would love to see a player just be like, I truly hate them so much. I will retire. If any franchise is able to do that to a person, it would be the Houston Texans.

Aaron Rodgers performs better when he's playing with 'no-name' receivers

Aaron Rodgers is Aaron Rodgers the pettiest person in the world... I think he actually performs better with no name guys, because then it's like, oh look what Aaron Rodgers is doing again with these same like undrafted or like late round pick wide receivers. Isn't he? Just the greatest?

We have officially run JJ Watt off the internet

How long has it been since J.J. Watt tweeted? 20 days. 20 days since J.J. Watt has tweeted. We have officially run him off the internet.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie. ... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Dog's like knocking on his parents [door]. ... It's over. Dog's on the case. It's done.

Deshaun Watson has to be benched

Deshaun Watson has to be benched. There was a moment in this game where I was like, holy fuck. How is this guy still playing? He doesn't want to go for it on fourth down... he stinks at football.

J.J. Watt’s Players' Tribune article is basically erotic fan fiction he wrote about himself

One was wearing a 99 jersey with my name on the back, and another was wearing shoes with my logo on them... That was some fucking fan fiction erotic art shit for J.J. Watt. He hired a J.J. Watt mega fan to write that passage.

J.J. Watt released the first-ever non-retirement announcement for a retirement nobody expected

J.J. Watt just had the first ever non-retirement announcement. No one was wondering if he was retiring. But he's like, hey, guys, if any of you are wondering, yeah, I'm not retiring.

Amar'e Cooper wants out of Cleveland

Amari Cooper wants out. He does not want to be there anymore.

JJ Watt is a better football player than he is a person

He was a much better player? Yes. He was like one of the top three all-time players... He has three defensive player of the year awards Only one man of the year award. So I'd say he's a better, the stats don't lie. He's a better player than he is a person.