Takes

I always bet the over on Bedlam no matter what

My favorite college tradition... betting the over in Bedlam, no matter what, no matter what. Oklahoma/Oklahoma State play, over, put it on your phone.

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the new J.J. Watt of milking injuries for attention

Odell might be the new J.J. Watt in terms of always being injured and showing how he's in. He has the injuries that he then plays through those injuries. Kind of a Tiger Woods thing... oh, my finger. Wow, let's do a million sideline reports on my finger while I keep playing.

Hobbies are red flags for men; you should only play video games or watch sports

If a man has a hobby, that's just a red flag. Hobbies are red flags always and forever. You either play video games or you watch sports. That's how men do it.

The Grizzlies might actually be better without Ja Morant

We have a new narrative. That's very fun. Are the Grizzlies better? Without Ja Morant? ... the stat is the warriors or sorry, the Grizzlies are now I think 21 and six without Ja Morant.

The Houston Texans are definitely not better off without J.J. Watt

How could you be better without [J.J. Watt]? You know, no matter what people think about him off the field, on the field, he's a pretty darn good player. Now you put him with Mercilus and Clowney, it'll be interesting what happens. So to say the Texans would be better with him off the football field, I don't think is—that's just [the PMT] hot take.

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.

Watching porn is like spending time in the film room for baseball players

If I'm a baseball team, I would probably think about going the other way... When you're having sex... what do they tell you to think about? Think about baseball. So actually, the more porn you watch, it's like putting in more time in the film room thinking about baseball.

Oregon is the most under-seeded team in the 2021 NCAA tournament

The most under-seeded team in the 2021 NCAA tournament is Oregon... Dana Altman, the master of the Rubik's Cube... This team is more talented than its seed. I think they're a very difficult matchup for Iowa. I have a big Pac-12 breakthrough... I've got Oregon going to the second weekend.

The Knicks have been playing better without Jalen Brunson this series

For some reason, the series, [the Knicks] are just playing better without [Jalen Brunson]. This series. They have been playing better without him when he is off the court.

Baker Mayfield is tipping off Adam Schefter with fake news tips to make him look like an idiot

Baker Mayfield... has been tipping off Adam Schefter with fake shit and making him look like an idiot because he knows we got a little rivalry with the P-Man.

Deshaun Watson was more dominant in the NFL than he was in college

Look at what Deshaun Watson did. Deshaun Watson was more dominant at the NFL level than he was at the college level. Nobody expected that.

Matt Schaub was a good quarterback whose career was ruined by a loss of confidence

Matt Schaub is definitely number one [on the Mount Rushmore of Texans QBs]... No, he was a good quarterback. He had a bad season. And I think it ruined his confidence, but he was a good quarterback when he was balling. He had a bad run.

The Yankees are actually better without Derek Jeter

Kind of strange how the Yankees started winning after [Jeter] retired. Are the Yankees better without Derek Jeter?

You watch college basketball to see Duke players cry after tournament losses

If you are not a Duke fan, you watch college basketball for the moment that Luke Kennard and Grayson Allen cry during the tournament after they get stunned by a 10-seed. That's why you watch.

LeBron James' tears after winning the Cleveland championship were fake

I'm not a huge LeBron fan. I feel like he's very calculated. I felt like when he cried after he won it for Cleveland, he felt like he had to cry because MJ cried when he came back and did his thing and it made it emotional. Fake tears.

Jason Day is a sleeper to watch for a top finish at the Masters

I'll go Jason Day. Jason Day has been trending and his game plays so well at Augusta. Exceptional putter, great pitcher of the golf ball and has kind of gained some distance this year. I would say Jason Day is the name that I'm looking at [to win a second major].

Rory McIlroy's Masters win extinguished the hater narrative forever

It's a much harder hate. Yeah. We had to retire it. That's what I'm sad about. We had to retire because Rory, no matter what he is now the sixth all time to have the career Grand slam... He beat all the haters. Including us.

SGA's style of play is frustrating to watch when he's fishing for fouls

I still stand by the take that I don't like watching him [SGA] when he is foul baiting... I still get pissed off when he, when he embellishes. I think the Timberwolves are at their wit's end with it too.

Floyd Mayweather was in complete control for every second of the Conor McGregor fight

In terms of actually looking back and thinking about it, there was not one second that [Mayweather] wasn't in complete control. Like Connor threw some big punches, but Floyd knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. He's like, I'll play defense for a few rounds, and then he's going to get gassed, which he did, and he knocked him out.

Oregon is a bad matchup for North Carolina due to a lack of size

I do think North Carolina is going to win. I think they're the better team. And they're a bad matchup for Oregon... [Oregon] has athleticism. They do not have—they have a little length. A lot of athleticism. No size.

The Red Sox Apple Watch scandal is good for baseball because it fuels the Yankees rivalry

Baseball needs rivalries. Red Sox-Yankees has been simmering. This kind of brings it up a notch.

I'm betting on Lamar Jackson because he plays better with diarrhea

Another important thing to note is that Lamar Jackson has been out two days this week with diarrhea. Again, he's the most diarrhea quarterback in the NFL and he always plays great. He plays lighter when he's at diarrhea. So this is a big time intestinal bug issue for the Ravens and for Lamar Jackson. So I'm going to bet on Lamar Jackson.

JJ Watt signed with the Cardinals because they offered the most guaranteed money

J.J. Watt is signing with the Cardinals. I just assume it's the most money... it's the most guaranteed money. I know Kyler Murray and all this stuff. I think it's the most guaranteed money and he probably just didn't want to play in the cold.

Watching football is 10 times more stressful than playing it

It proves that watching football is by a factor of 10 more difficult than playing football. We just, they, they are the operator of the rollercoaster. We're just so long for the ride. So we prove it our point. Yeah. I already got it. I'd like to see one of them trade positions with us for a weekend. They couldn't do it.

Going to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl is actually a punishment

The Disney world thing that they have to do is just punishment. Sam Darnold and Kenneth Walker being in the teacups right after the game when it's like all you wanna do is party with your boys. That sucks.

I have never wavered from the Patriots making the playoffs

I have never wavered from the Patriots making the playoffs. And I still think that.

The Chiefs, Lions, Falcons, and Chargers are the funnest teams to watch because of the inevitable chaos

I would put like the Chiefs, the Lions, the Falcons, and the Chargers as like the funnest teams to watch in the NFL, knowing that some crazy shit's going to happen. Like a 21-point lead [blowing it]. Some sort of heartbreak occur to the Lions franchise.

The Giants are better without Saquon Barkley

So what you're basically saying is that the Giants are better without Saquon Barkley. Yes. I forgot he existed. I legit, before you said that word, holy shit... with those two guys' [Gallman/Morris] skill sets, it's actually a plus improvement over losing Saquon Barkley.

NFL critics who claim they stopped watching are actually still watching every Sunday

You know my favorite are the people on Twitter that say, I can no longer morally watch football. You are a fucking liar because I know you're fucking watching the Red Zone from 1 o'clock to 7 o'clock every fucking Sunday. You can't stop watching the NFL. You can't. Like it or not, it's here.

TJ Watt should win Defensive Player of the Year

TJ Watt is, I know he won't win it, but he should win Defensive Player of the Year. I know that the Browns fans will be like Myles Garrett... [Watt] has 17 and a half sacks and he's played 10 full games. He does everything for them.

Deshaun Watson has the worst contract in NFL history

Deshaun Watson will go down as the worst contract ever.

The Pac-12 will finally be worth watching and exciting this season

In all seriousness, the Pac-12 will be worth watching... This is the first season in a long time, going into the season, I'm actually excited to watch Pac-12 basketball in a very long time.

The NCAA vacating titles is the dumbest penalty because you can't actually take away a title that people watched

Is this not the dumbest, most NCAA penalty? Just being like, yeah, all those memories don't exist anymore. [Louisville's] fans are just... Really, the only thing that it punishes Louisville in is that Kentucky fans can now say they didn't win that. But other than that, you can't just take away a title. That doesn't work.

Joe Burrow can win the Super Bowl just two years after winning a National Title

Two years ago [Burrow] won the national title and now he can win the Super Bowl... he might win. It's crazy.

Bill O'Brien doesn't know how to coach Deshaun Watson

[Bill O'Brien] doesn't know how to coach Deshaun Watson, that's pretty clear. He was like putting him in shotgun and running the ball in fourth and one on the goal. I don't know what the hell he's doing.

Fans should respect my privacy and absolutely not watch the Commanders vs. Broncos game on Sunday Night Football.

Why is this game on Sunday night football? It sucks... Nobody should watch this game. Yeah. Like it, it honestly feels perverted that you would want to tune and watch this. This is a personal matter that I have that I'm dealing with... please respect my privacy.

I enjoy watching the Broncos on primetime because the brand of bad football is a fascinating story every time

I actually, I'm gonna say this and I know this, people will be like, 'Oh, you're just saying this to be opposite,' I enjoy having the Broncos on primetime football because every time it's a story. It's bad football but you see something new every time and it's a weird story. It became so hilariously bad that it's interesting. There's something about a Broncos primetime game that it's fascinating to watch because it's just a car crash for 60 minutes plus.

I side with Mets manager Mickey Callaway for trying to fight a reporter who made a passive-aggressive comment

I actually kind of side with Mickey Callaway here... the Newsday reporter said 'see you tomorrow,' which is the classic like 'oh half day move' that the asshole in the office pulls when you're taking it off early. You're being an ironic asshole. I think that would piss me off. I have Mickey Callaway's back there.

Oregon will advance to the Sweet 16 in the 2019 NCAA Tournament

In the region of grind... my breakthrough in this region, I'm going to take Oregon to the Sweet 16... Oregon's defense has been sensational... and as we know, Wisconsin has struggled to score. I think it's a really difficult matchup.

The Texans might trade Matthew Stafford for Deshaun Watson and two first-round picks

What about Matt Stafford for Deshaun Watson and, like, two first-round picks?

I would give up unlimited first-round picks to trade for Deshaun Watson

I would do it for unlimited [first round picks]. Name your price is what I would do. Seven, sure. I'll give you my next seven.

The Cowboys are depressing to watch and need to 'sage the place' to fix their vibes

The Cowboys are depressing to watch now. I cannot watch them. They have some bad, it's a bad vibe on them. They need to Sage that place. They have everything that you would need on offense, but something doesn't work. They need to Sage it.

Winning three Heismans is a greater accomplishment than winning a national championship

Would you rather have a national championship or three Heismans? And a civil conflict. Easy. Three Heismans. I've won the Heisman every place I've gone, so that's a recruiting [pitch]. Like, hey, you want to win a Heisman? Come be with Coach Duggs because guess what? When he's up 30 points, he's still going to pad those stats.

I am rooting for the Knicks to reach the NBA Finals specifically so I can watch them get their hearts broken

I'll be rooting for the Knicks to win the Eastern Conference... Ooh, that's huge... I want, I want the Knicks to get their heart broken.

Portland is the #1 NBA city because the fans have nothing else to do except hike and watch basketball

I actually, along those same lines, I went Portland. Especially with the old Jailblazers. Those guys used to have a real good time out there. I think Portland has some of the best fans... That's because they're homeless, so they don't have anywhere else to go. No one in Portland has a job. They move around from bookstore to food truck to Trailblazers games.

The 'Player to be Named Later' in baseball trades is enticing because it sounds like they could be anyone, even a Hall of Famer

But the player to be named later, it sounds really enticing. It's like, that guy could be fucking awesome. Could be anyone. Yeah, could be a Hall of Famer.

Jabari Parker was benched because he started the mutiny against the Bulls' practice

Jabari Parker, he has been benched because, and this is, I mean, I have no sources to back me up except my own brain, but he was clearly the guy who started the mutiny, right? Because he didn't want to practice. He doesn't want to play defense.

The secret to life is being nice to everyone because you might need something from them later.

I think that's just the guide for life it's like just treat everybody nice because you never know what you're going to need from them later.

Bill Walton's 'WatchESPN' comment was a result of him doing acid in a forest

When Bill Walton says, 'Watch ESPN, I can watch you,' it's because he did acid in the forest and pulled up his Watch ESPN to watch UCLA versus USC, and was like, 'The game's watching me.'