Takes

Relationship hobbies must be established from the start because you can't add an addiction later

Before you start dating, you have to have all your hobbies set because you can't just add golf. You can add golf, but you can't add golf addict. There's a difference. There's a, you could be a golfer, but if this guy's playing seven days a week and YouTube tutorials and practicing swinging the living room, that's going to, you're gonna need to ease into that one.

Deshaun Watson mentoring Shedeur Sanders is like an old person getting a pet

Lucky for Shedeur Sanders, he found a mentor in Cleveland that's taking him quote under his wing. It is Deshaun Watson. Deshaun Watson has stepped up to show the young guy the ropes... I think this is maybe a situation like who saved who, like an old person getting a pet?

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

The James Madison vs. Oregon playoff game is not a health and safety issue

Bud Elliot said that it was possibly a health and safety issue... he was like, I'm worried for the health and safety of JMU playing against Oregon... Stop saying it's a health and safety issue. Okay... fuck it, let's go win the game.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

Kyler Murray is now must-watch TV

But Kyler Murray, who is now – like, he is officially elevated to must-watch, like – drop everything you have to watch every time he's got the ball that was insane that was an insane play.

The Cowboys' defense plays better when they have a backup quarterback like Ben DiNucci

It turns out that in a weird way is kind of good having a shitty quarterback playing because your defense gets this mindset of like we have to create turnovers, we have to stop everybody. Whereas before they're like, oh we got Dak, he's gonna throw for a million yards, I can take a couple plays off here.

Donald Trump's border wall would beat the 2016 Golden State Warriors because it is salary cap friendly.

The thing I like about Trump's wall is that it's very salary cap friendly since somebody else [Mexico] is paying for it. So Trump's wall would have enough room left over to sign [Kevin] Durant this offseason. ... you could get a lot of good role players and surround like a lot of glue guys in addition to Durant with Trump's wall and still be under the cap. So I'm going to go with Trump.

The East Coast is better than the West Coast for watching sports

I like East Coast better than West Coast actually... Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game. [On the West Coast] it doesn't feel like a big game if it's Sunday night football and it's still light outside. You should get a Purple Heart if you watch sports in the Eastern Time Zone.

NFL players who post workout videos on social media are annoying; just do your job and show it on the field

I will say that all these guys posting videos of themselves working out now, that I disagree with. That, I mean, I draw the line somewhere. Like, duh, you're doing your job. You're working out. The whole world doesn't need to know about it. Rise and grind, yeah. Show me on the football field.

I'm starting to think the global pandemic was rigged so we would all be forced to watch soccer

I swear to God I'm starting to get to woke that this is all been rigged so that we all have to watch soccer... We're here, life is now just soccer with a little side of horse racing.

Tony Dungy is a poor broadcaster who should stick to being the 'warden' of sports morality on Twitter rather than providing professional analysis.

I don't really need to hear Tony Dungy anymore. He's not good. ... You're in the booth. You're supposed to be assessing the game from a professional standpoint, right? So you shouldn't be going like Taylor Heineke's a 10-year starter in this league. That's for what that's what Twitter's for.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

Justin Herbert is more dynamic and fun to watch than Jalen Hurts

I still think that [Justin Herbert] is like more dynamic and fun to watch with his arm talent than [Jalen Hurts] is.

A first-overall-pick bowl for the two worst NFL teams would be highly watched

It should be the teams are the two worst records playing for the first pick... Who wouldn't watch that game? You could just play all the games for playoff seating.

Deshaun Watson is a predator

I will go one more than scumbag. I think Deshaun Watson is a predator. And he's a bad guy, but the problem with how this all shook out is he settled with a lot of the women.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

The NFL is better when kickers are erratic and unpredictable

We want to see Roberto Aguayo stick around because the NFL is always a better place. When there's a kicker that whenever he lines up, you don't know which way the ball is going to go. Like it might hit the ref in the head and knock him unconscious.

Watching Hard Knocks will lead to drafting a bust running back in your fantasy league

It is also the time of year where you watch Hard Knocks and you fall in love with a guy who's catching everything or the backup running back, and then you draft him in your fantasy league, and he sucks. It's called the Chris Polk.

Golden State is better with Kevin Durant than without him

So you think that they're better with Kevin Durant? Yeah, for sure. I mean, I think they were better this year than they were.

College basketball is better when Grayson Allen is playing the villain role

College basketball is better when you've got Grayson Allen shoving his ass into people and spitting on old ladies on the side of the court.

The great uniter in America is watching Tony Romo look miserable

America can always get behind watching Tony Romo look miserable. That is the great uniter here in America. And we're used to seeing it after he throws a fourth quarter interception... This time it was when they were winning and he was trying to put on that happy face. And it turns out that Tony Romo putting on a happy face is actually the saddest thing you've ever seen.

The Arizona Cardinals are officially a fun watch team this year

The Cardinals are gonna be my official, this is just a fun watch team because Kyler looked awesome. Their defense is not great. They didn't even get Marvin Harrison going. James Conner is still the angriest, most upright runner that God ever created and yeah, I think they're just officially a fun team to watch.

JJ Watt did a Twitter Q&A solely to set up his PMT interview appearance

I'm totally woke on the fact that [JJ Watt] was doing this, I think, just so that he could say – he knew that he was going to get HeyJJ'd in his replies. So I think he was just setting up this entire Q&A for the question about Pardon My Take so he would say, I will go on the show.

I would never want Kirk Cousins to be the quarterback of the Bears

I just don't want [Kirk Cousins] on the Bears. It's not a rule that just because the Bears don't have quarterbacks, I can't criticize other quarterbacks.

The media is inflating the severity of Tom Brady's hand injury to give the Jaguars a reason for people to watch

If the Patriots are playing the Steelers and this hand thing happened, they wouldn't even be talking about it. But they know that the Jaguars, they need a storyline, they need a reason for people to watch, they need a reason to believe, so they're inflating the severity of his hand.

Matt Schaub was a good quarterback whose career was ruined by a loss of confidence

Matt Schaub is definitely number one [on the Mount Rushmore of Texans QBs]... No, he was a good quarterback. He had a bad season. And I think it ruined his confidence, but he was a good quarterback when he was balling. He had a bad run.

No matter where we go in our careers, people will try to take us down for our past

It's almost liberating because it taught me that no matter where we go with our careers, people are going to try to take me down for my past. And that's fine because at this point, the biggest takeaway was don't get caught in a situation where internal politics and people with an ax to grind can determine your fate.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Going to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl is actually a punishment

The Disney world thing that they have to do is just punishment. Sam Darnold and Kenneth Walker being in the teacups right after the game when it's like all you wanna do is party with your boys. That sucks.

The Chiefs, Lions, Falcons, and Chargers are the funnest teams to watch because of the inevitable chaos

I would put like the Chiefs, the Lions, the Falcons, and the Chargers as like the funnest teams to watch in the NFL, knowing that some crazy shit's going to happen. Like a 21-point lead [blowing it]. Some sort of heartbreak occur to the Lions franchise.

The AC Slater character in Saved By The Bell was likely a safety

I don't think it was ever established [what position he played]... I really don't. I mean, I don't know. I guess he'd probably be like a safety... AC Slater's an awesome safety.

J.J. Watt being healthy is the official sign that football is back

you know football is back because there's a lot of buzz about J.J. Watt not being injured... J.J. Watt being like, is this the year that J.J. Watt can stay healthy all year? That means football is officially back.

Removing human umpires from baseball takes away 50% of the reason to watch

I do worry as always that when you take away umps, you, you take away like 50% of the conversations guys can have with each other. And that goes for refs and, and everything in sports. If you can't complain about the calls, what are we gonna talk about? It'd basically be like putting a ban on no discussion about the weather.

Manny Pacquiao's late-career fights are depressing and sad to watch

He's still fighting. So that's pretty sad. I didn't realize that he was fighting until like a day before. An aging boxer, watching them is one of the saddest things you can do. You know when it's done, and everyone knows, and then they always hang on for a couple extra years, and you're like, let's just try to remember the good times, because this is depressing the fuck out of all of us.

The Premier League is the most appeasing thing to watch in the morning because the green pitch lulls you like the Masters

The Premier League, part of the reason why people like watching it... it's very appeasing in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday. The pitch is so green, and it just kind of lulls you. It's like almost watching the Masters. It is a very nice, easy way to start the day.

We would easily beat the Warriors if we started the 4th quarter with a 100-point lead

No, easy. We win by 30 [if we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter].

I wouldn't give up watching football even to double my net worth

[Speaker 4]: Would you double your net worth if it meant that you were no longer allowed to watch NFL football? [Wahlberg]: No, I don't think so. I don't think it distracts me or it takes away from what I'm doing in my primary business on my job.

Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL

Would you say that Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL? If the Chiefs are playing, I have an option to watch that game. I'm watching that game every single time.

I would watch an NFL player flag football tournament in the off-season

If they do it correctly, it would be like a perfect, like, I wanna say May — just do like a three day tournament with all the players. I would watch that for flag football. If it was the NFL players playing, I would watch that.

Tony Romo is the most fun quarterback to watch fail in NFL history

And I'll give you right now Tony Romo's legacy. You don't have to read anything else. He is the most fun quarterback to hate of all time. That's his legacy. ... But for everybody else, so if you're not a Duke, Yankees, Lakers fan, I'm not talking to you, but everyone else, he was the most fun quarterback to watch fail.

The Bengals are officially on 'frisky watch'

The Bengals, I think are officially on frisky watch. Who is more frisky? The Bengals or the Panthers. I think the Panthers... The Bengals just joined the Panthers in the frisky watch.

If you don't watch a graphic sports injury after a warning, you are the biggest pussy alive

When someone says don't watch because it's too graphic, if you then don't watch, you're the biggest pussy alive... That's just basically saying this is going to be so gross you're going to want to puke, but you have to watch it.

Survivor is the most popular and broadly watched reality show of all time

The most popular reality show of all time and one that every single person has ever watched, Survivor. I mean, it's hard to go against. I've watched seasons and been like, this show's awesome.

Kyle Lowry is the absolute worst and most annoying player to watch in the NBA

I'm so happy I don't have to watch Kyle Lowry play anymore. That guy is like, he's the worst. He is literally the worst... I swear if Kyle Lowry spent like maybe even half as much time complaining, he would be double the player. He just complains about every single possession, no matter what.

The Bills and the Cardinals are the only two NFL teams that definitely suck after Week 2

I think this is the first time we've gotten to week two, because usually you can tell almost instantly, okay, these teams definitely suck, and these teams are going to definitely be good. I actually only have two teams that definitely suck on the list... the Bills [and] the Cardinals.

The Big 12 should offer Oregon and Washington a 'dream job' buyout clause to lure them away from the Pac-12

What I think the Big 12 should do is go to Oregon, Washington, be like... here's what we're going to do. You're going to come with us and we're going to put a clause in your deal that just says you want out fine. You're out. If the Big 10 is, you know... dream job buyout, or dream job clause. Do that and you get them, and then you'll get Utah and Colorado and you'll get whoever else you want from that league.

LeBron James will never allow a teammate on the roster who knows more about wine than he does

LeBron takes his wine knowledge very seriously. There's no chance he will ever have somebody on his team that knows more about wine than he does. That's his thing.

I side with Mets manager Mickey Callaway for trying to fight a reporter who made a passive-aggressive comment

I actually kind of side with Mickey Callaway here... the Newsday reporter said 'see you tomorrow,' which is the classic like 'oh half day move' that the asshole in the office pulls when you're taking it off early. You're being an ironic asshole. I think that would piss me off. I have Mickey Callaway's back there.

The secret to life is being nice to everyone because you might need something from them later.

I think that's just the guide for life it's like just treat everybody nice because you never know what you're going to need from them later.