Takes

Bitcoin is fake and people should buy land instead

My stardom is land. Bitcoin, currency, it's all fake. You can't see it. Buy something you can see with your own two eyeballs. Buy a plot. Buy an acre. Squat on it.

Bitcoin is the future and will replace physical money

You think that the dollar bill's in your pocket right now? You think they're going to last forever? You think money's going to last forever? Okay, so Bitcoin's the future, baby. There's not going to be money in the future. There's going to be Bitcoin.

No business gets done in America during November and December

No business gets done in the months of November, December in America. No business really gets done in March because of March Madness. Then April, the start of summer vacation season is usually June 3rd through August, let's say. So really, if you don't get any work done September, October, February, or March... yeah, then you pretty much screwed.

Net Neutrality will slow down porn

Can you just explain to me what this means for porn? I don't care. It'll definitely slow it down. It's slowing porn down.

Sports betting will be legalized across the United States within 12 to 36 months

When do you think, if you had to guess a date? [Big Cat asks] 12 to 36 months. ... The Supreme Court in two and a half weeks is going to hear a case that is New Jersey brought against the Department of Justice to have all of the sports betting ban overturned. It's called PASPA. ... They will rule in June. Depending on how they rule is going to have a huge impact.

Papa John and Jerry Jones are conspiring to get Roger Goodell fired

Papa John is running the NFL... He wants to get Roger Goodell fired... Jerry Jones is the leading franchise owner of Papa John's Pizzas... he's teaming up with Papa John to go after Goodell... trying to convince other sponsors to take money away from the NFL, therefore sinking Roger Goodell as commissioner.

Big Baller Brand will corner the market because they're the only shoe company not implicated in the bribery scandal

Big Baller Brand, by being the only shoe company that's not implicated, could have just cornered the market.

Hewlett-Packard is a 'vile' company

The post office, I think the post office, unfortunately, you're just fighting. The stupidity of it is incredible ... Hewlett-Packard, on the other hand, is a vile company.

Texas is the only state that exercises sovereign immunity on contracts

Sovereign immunity is really appealing to third world dictators. ... the only state, the only state that exercises sovereign immunity on contracts is Texas. ... every state in the country eliminated exercising sovereign immunity on contracts, except for Texas does it to this day. ... And North Korea, I mean, sovereign immunity is a big deal with North Korea, Somalia. And that, you know, that's the company that's being kept if you exercise sovereign immunity on contracts.

Clothing manufacturers and dry cleaners conspire to put 'no dryer' labels on clothes

I think there's a big conspiracy out there. This is probably the big laundromat services of the world. They're basically dry cleaning services. They're basically making clothes that you can't put in the dryer so that you have to go to the dry cleaners.

Billionaires should pay for their own stadiums

It's unpopular to say it, but I think that billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums too, Bill [Simmons].

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

70% of people make a right-hand turn when they walk into a mall

i'm just i'm just a fucking nutcase guys i mean i pick apart and study and you know everything like 70 of people that walk into a mall make a right hand turn now that bothers the shit out of me and because it's true

Adding a second staircase to elevated bar levels significantly increases social interaction

I used to build elevated levels in bar and restaurants like everyone else with a staircase... you feel like a freaking idiot. You've got to turn around, walk back the other way. You're busted... So I simply put a second staircase in on the other side... social interaction went up big time. I'm guessing there are people that are married to this very day because of that freaking staircase.

An overcrowded bar actually makes less money than one with 20% fewer people

You know what's funny is that bar with 20% less people in it would actually make more money that night. And that's the sign of a rookie owner. Because when a bar gets that crowded, I can't get waitresses to you. Bartenders can't serve everyone. Half the people in the room don't have drinks.

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

Elon Musk should stop trying to get to Mars and focus on giving us retina credit cards

Elon Musk, if you're listening to this and we know you are, quit trying to get to Mars, you fucking nerd. Just give us retina credit cards.

LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible

I think LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible. Yes, the least desirable products. It's actually a smart move of him, though, to limit the number that he could sell this time.

If something is more expensive, that means it's better

If something's more expensive, that means it's better, right? Correct. Without a doubt. Like Fyre Fest tickets. That was the best concert of all time.

Big Baller Brand shoes look like old guy catering shoes

They do look like old guy shoes. They've got that non-slip look to them like you might see in a crab restaurant. Actually, you know what? When you get a job as a caterer, they're like, everyone needs to wear shoes that look like this.

Under Armour deliberately releases bad shoe photos for the publicity

I do think that Steph Curry, there's an element where Under Armour is like, we're never going to be the cool shoes. So we'll release some bad pictures again. Let everyone roast us. How are you going to get publicity for Steph Curry's shoes other than letting the internet roast you?

Big companies use 'company policy' as a fake government-level authority to deny rights

But these big companies, they tell you, you know, I wanted to return something. And they say, you can't. And I said, who says? They said, that's our company policy... they make it sound like the government has set this up and this is the way it's going to be forever and a day and you have no right to even challenge that policy. I can't stand that.

Legalized gambling will be available across the country in five years.

Football in Vegas, I'm saying, calling your shot five years, say five years, legalized gambling all across the country, it's going to be great.

Mark Cuban has become everything he used to hate

Something's been going on with the Cuban recently because he used to be woke. He was the wokest of the old owners. Now he's become everything that he used to hate. He's getting duped left and right.

Customer service lines intentionally disconnect you when transferring to customer relations

Then when you start to talk about why you're calling, you know what happens? They'll say, oh, we're in the sales department. We're going to transfer you over to Customer relations, and then what do you think happens? You get disconnected. I've lived through this.

Sports gambling will be legal everywhere in the next 10 years

When do you think it's going to be legalized? ... I don't know, 10 years? I mean, how many states right now can you buy weed legally? ... It's going to be legal in some period of time.

Sports gambling will be legalized 100% across the United States

In the near future, do you see sports gambling being legalized across the country? 100%. Oh, my God. I'll be a multimillionaire overnight because I can advertise everywhere then. I can advertise any station.

The only way to make money gambling is to bet one game a week and load up

You bet one game a week. Load up. That's the only way to make money gambling. You cannot make money gambling betting every single day. None, never, has never happened.

I would not be buying any stocks right now and would put money into real estate instead

I wouldn't be buying any stock right now. [Put money in] Real estate. Hookers? ... That's a dead end road, dude. I'm over a million in those places. There's no return on anything.

Yahoo's name change to Altaba is a brilliant way to hide from the public eye

I have Yahoo on my cool throne because the best way to secretly get out of the public eye is just have a vaguely foreign sounding company by you and change your name. And just claim that your entire company was satire.

Jeff Bezos is using Alexa to listen to every conversation in your house

Stay woke on this. Jeff Bezos just told everybody that he's listening to every conversation that you have in your house and keeping track of it.

The website Fantex, which sold stock in athletes, is a total scam

I went to Fantex.com. You'll remember Fantex is the company that allowed you to buy stock in professional athletes. Totally reputable company where you could pay like $10,000 to get like half a percentage of half a percentage of Arian Foster's future earnings. Not a Ponzi scheme. Not a Ponzi scheme at all. Totally legit, above board, and their website's not working.

Buy New Balance stock now and sell it right before New Year's

I'm going to disagree with you. I think now's the time to buy stock in New Balance because, like we said, the people who are buying New Balance right now aren't going to know that it's racist for a while. So they're going to keep buying, okay? And meanwhile, the neo-Nazis probably weren't buying New Balance already. Now there's going to be a run on New Balance. So it's a short play. You buy New Balance, and then you dump it right before New Year's.

Twitter announced the death of Vine just to get PR and check its importance

It seems like something that a company that was maybe down... they need a little press. What better way to press than announce a death?... they're like, if enough people object to us closing down Vine, then we'll keep it around.

ESPN's future is secure despite cord-cutting

ESPN is a billion-dollar machine. They are not in trouble at all in terms of long-term standing... I think eventually we will get to a point where you will be able to purchase ESPN Singular on whatever device you use... they're still going to get millions and millions of people to make that purchase.

Houseboats are the safest long-term investment due to rising sea levels

Polar ice caps. The whole world's going to be the ocean eventually. I'd say houseboats actually are probably the safest investment out there. ... I'm talking like three, 400 years here. You might want to be the guy with the houseboat.

When a company is sold to a large investment group, the quality of the product always goes down

Just a word of warning, like any time that you're employed by a company that gets sold, like if you're a company that's made its name for itself and then it gets sold to like a big time investment group, the quality of the product is going to go way, way down.

I am 100% innocent of all criminal charges

I'm innocent without a doubt. The charges are related to some hedge funds I operated in a public company I operated. Don't have one person who has ever complained. You won't find one person that ever lost money... I'll never take a plea deal. I'm 100% innocent.

My company Turing is worth one billion dollars

I don't like to talk about it, but if you look at the company, Turing, that I own, I think that company is worth a billion dollars.

Instagram Stories will be a massive threat to Snapchat's market dominance

Originally, Snapchat completely had the market, but now Instagram is coming in hot... Instagram, Mark Zuckerberg literally took Snapchat and just added it on Instagram... It's going to be a battle.

Under Armour is the Buffalo Bills of shoes and cannot win the big one

Under Armour can't win the big one. They can't. They're the Buffalo Bills of Shoes. You know what I'd like to see more of on Twitter? I'd like to see more people tweeting the dumpster fire image at, like, live look at Under Armour right now. It's a dumpster fire.

I side with Darren Rovell over Dana White

Ravel and Dana White are in a fight, which is the nerd and the jock. I obviously side with Ravel here. It seems as though he's in the right.

Disney and ESPN have the power to push Pardon My Take around as a 'big guy' vs 'little guy' dynamic

Oh, it's definitely ESPN and Disney pushing around the little guy, but they have the ability to push you around. That's what big guys do to little guys. That's what the economy and life is all about, I guess. ... This isn't going to go away unless something is done. I don't think you can keep in the posture that you're in right now and basically get back to them and say, F you. I don't think that's going to get you very far.

Barstool and Disney/ESPN are closer in value than people think

I'm not saying that Disney and Barstool are, like, maybe equal in terms of stock, but we're closer than people think.