Takes

Nick Saban probably hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years and just deals with the pain

Nick Saban, he hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years. And he's had cavity pain for all 30 years. ...He just deals with it. He's like, my mouth hurts. ...Day in, day out. That's just what happens.

Lane Kiffin is a 'child' and a 'loser' who air-mailed the national semifinal

Lane Kiffin is a child. And Nick Saban tried to nurture him and be a father figure. And in the end, he punched Saban in the mouth on the way out... I think it was the fact that Lane Kiffin, and this is hard to imagine, this statement I'm about to make, literally air-mailed in the national semifinal in college football. It's like he didn't bother... I just think he's a loser.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.

Nick Saban should have his man card revoked for getting a massage because of neck pain from watching film

Nick had to go out there and get a massage because he watched too much film and hurt his neck. So take his man card, Hank.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

Star players only sit out bowl games when the bowl has poor leadership

If those two clowns of bowls [the Citrus Bowl and the Sun Bowl] had actual leadership running the show, I don't think that the star players would be sitting out.

I have no problem with players sitting out bowl games because the system is corrupt

I have no problem with any of these guys sitting out any of the bowls... I like players taking care of themselves when the system is corrupt.

The Heisman represents the player with the biggest campaign, not the best player

Let's not call it the best college football player because it doesn't represent the best college football player. It represents the guy with the biggest campaign who happens to touch the ball.

A college football coach shouldn't be fired if there's a 'rat' in the building selling plays

So if you missed the story, literally the radio guy for Wake Forest has been selling playbooks and insider information to all of Wake Forest's opponents for the last three years. I didn't know anyone needed help to beat Wake Forest... You can't fire a coach if there's been a rat in the building, right?

Lane Kiffin took the FAU job in Boca Raton as 'self-limiting behavior' because the women there are too old to hit on

Here's my spin zone for Lane Kiffin taking this job in Boca Raton. If he wants to go fuck any guy's wife, it's probably like a 100-year-old woman, so he's not going to do it. It's kind of like self-limiting behavior... Lane Kiffin's not going to go to a place where he just wants to cuck every dude he sees. It's like if you're an alcoholic, go take a job in Utah.

The Heisman Trophy should just be awarded to the first five picks in the NFL Draft

My Mike Greenberg dumb rule, they should just make the Heisman the first five picks in the NFL draft. So instead of picking the best college player, give us the best, the guys who are going to be in the draft.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

Mike Leach is a brilliant jack-of-all-trades who knows a little bit about everything

No, he's brilliant. I mean, he thinks he knows everything about everything. The truth of the matter is he knows a little bit about everything. ... He stays up all night long, watches documentary after documentary, and reads books and doesn't sleep very much.

Complaints about there being too many college football bowl games are invalid

Shut the fuck up, people who complain about too many bowls. Oh, there's too much football. Free football is always good. If there's something, oh my God, I don't want to have another game I can bet on on a Tuesday afternoon when I don't want to talk to my family over the holiday season. Shut up.

The first two weeks of bowl season are usually when I make my money in gambling

This is usually the time of year that I do really well in gambling, actually. First two weeks of bowl season. That's when you make your money.

An undefeated Group of Five team deserves a shot in the College Football Playoff

Now, if you go 13-0 and 13-0, I think you deserve a shot in the Final Four. I really do. Same thing with a Boise State or a Houston or a Group of Five team that does that.

Oregon and Texas should have kept Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong

I would have kept them both [Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong], by the way. Absolutely. I really think you've got to give a guy four years.

You have to give a college coach four years to build a program

I really think you've got to give a guy four years. Because when you go into a job... there's commitments. And so you honor those kids. And they may not fit in offense, defense, scheme-wise to what you're going to do.

Wilton Speight choked against Ohio State and is more to blame for the loss than the officiating.

Speight kind of blew it... He was choking about every series. He's tripping on his own feet, he's fumbling, he's throwing picks... I'm not on board with the whole officiating thing. I think that's ridiculous.

College players should be allowed to transfer without penalty if their coach leaves

A quick fix for the NCAA for me to make things fairer for the players is to let them transfer if their coach goes they should be able to go too let them go i agree with that

If the NCAA vacates Notre Dame's wins, they should also vacate Brian Kelly's history of killing a kid

If they vacated all these wins, then Brian Kelly never killed that kid. Goes both ways, right? If you're going to take away the good stuff, you've got to take away the bad stuff. Just be consistent.

Nick Saban would actually kill a reporter on camera if it didn't stop him from coaching the next week

Nick Saban actually would kill a reporter, I think, on camera. If he could still coach next week, if he could coach in the Iron Bowl, even though he killed a reporter at halftime, he would do it.

It is a breath of fresh air for a Penn State coach like James Franklin to keep things in-house

I think it's a good breath of fresh air for a Penn State coach to keep things in-house. What happens in the locker room stays in the locker room. You don't need to be bringing that home.

Oregon State is working to become known as 'Punter U'

We've had some pretty good punters come through. The punter for the New England Patriots, Ryan Allen, him and I walked on there together... So we're kind of trying to earn that nickname or the moniker Punter U. Tennessee might have it right now, but we're working on it.

Nick Saban views every election as a threat to his recruiting

Saban's a smart guy... Saban knows that he has to recruit Republicans from Republican and Democratic families. So he sees every election as a threat to his recruiting.

Coach O is a 'wild dandelion spore' with no relation to any coaching tree

I don't think that Coach O is a member of any tree. Coach O is a wild dandelion spore that just grows in the wild on his own. He has no relation to Pete Carroll.

Joe Paterno is 'looking up' proud of the Penn State Nittany Lions

Somewhere, somewhere, Joe Paterno is looking up so proud of his former team, the Penn State Nittany Lions.

UConn football doesn't move the needle

UConn football, I don't give a fuck about. I'll just be honest about that. UConn football doesn't move the needle here.

Jim Harbaugh and Nick Saban are the same person because they are so committed to the process they don't know the score

I think [Harbaugh] and Saban are the same dude... they are so committed to the process. I would be shocked if Nick Saban knew what the score was in the middle of the game.

Wearing black jerseys is a guaranteed loss for Georgia football.

It's when we pull the black jerseys out. If we pull the black jerseys out, it's a guaranteed L, so we need to stay away from that.

LSU is the hardest SEC stadium to play in.

What's the hardest SEC stadium to play in? LSU. Even though we actually hung 52 on them when we played there... But they're insane. Their chants are in unison, which is really, really weird.

Penn State should have a fluid process for reevaluating Joe Paterno's wins based on current public sentiment

I think Penn State should just have a fluid process of always constantly reevaluating whether or not Joe Paterno's wins stand. So like as more evidence comes out, you can take his wins away. And then once you forget about all the bad stuff he did, you give him his wins back.

Coach O would be an awesome cult leader

I don't know, but it sounds like Coach O would be an awesome cult leader.

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack is the ultimate football guy move

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack... That is the most football guy move of all time because there are like a million other things. I agree with Urban Meyer. Don't spend more time with your family. Don't maybe knock out fast food, but take it down from 2% to 1%.

Nick Saban doesn't have sex, he just 'soaks' and watches film

I don't think that Saban has sex. I think that Saban just soaks. You know what soaking is? Yeah, it's the Mormon thing. He just soaks it for a while. And then he's watching film, grading players at the same time.

Christian McCaffrey should have won the Heisman Trophy

Last year, Christian McCaffrey, the best football player on planet Earth, he should have won the Heisman, but he didn't get it because he's a Christian and maybe a white male, but mostly because he's Christian.

The SEC is 'bad' this year (2016)

RIP to the SEC, who's bad this year.

Maryland will never feel like a real member of the Big Ten

Does it bother you that Maryland will never be a real member of the Big Ten? ... It makes me want to puke every time I see Rutgers and Maryland for the football schedule.

Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man

So you're saying that Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man? You think? No doy. I like that this guy actually thought like he was going to just tell Nick Saban he's quitting. And Nick would be like, you know what? Best of luck to you, man.

You don't give Nick Saban a two-week notice; you sneak out in the middle of the night and tweet that you're leaving

You don't put in a two weeks notice at Alabama. That's a move where you slip the janitor 50 bucks to get in in the middle of the night and you just take all your shit out and then you tweet the fact that you're leaving to Nick Saban. That's how you leave.

Mississippi State has the lowest IQ fan base in sports

No disrespect to my wife who's a Mississippi State graduate. I would say probably lowest IQ... I would say definitely Mississippi State.

Ole Miss and Alabama have the meanest fan bases in the SEC

Probably Ole Miss and then secondly, Alabama. [They are the meanest in terms of feedback].

Everyone in the SEC cheats, but only the dumb ones get caught

And you know what everybody in the SEC says? Everybody cheats. It's just the dumb ones that get caught.

Playing football in the South makes you immune to the justice system

This just shows the cultural difference between the North and the South, the anti-pussification of America by Alabama, where if you play football, you basically are immune to the justice system. That's never actually backfired.

Jim Harbaugh is a civil rights leader fighting against NCAA persecution of football

I'm glad that Harbaugh finally has the guts to stand up for Division I major conference men's college football coaches. ... Harbaugh, thank you for standing up for the rights of the most persecuted people in America.

Nick Saban will shiv and gut Jim Harbaugh to win football games

I have a feeling Jim Harbaugh thinks that this is like a fight that can just be played out on the field. And then next thing you know, Nick Saban's going to shiv him in to the side and gut him to death. But literally. Nick Saban will stab a man if it means winning more football games.

Penn State is the toughest Big Ten stadium for opponents but it looks like an erector set with no character

Probably Penn State when they're playing well is a difficult one because it's like an erector set, and it's huge... it doesn't, in my opinion, have that much character. It just looks like it got added onto and added onto another erector set.

Ohio State is the toughest atmosphere in the Big Ten

I would probably say, I mean, I got to say Ohio State, you know, I mean, the great atmosphere, loud, you know, I mean, and obviously you're going to play against a good football team when you're there.

Nebraska football is an unsuccessful program if they aren't playing for championships

I want to see them back. I want to see them, you know, if Nebraska isn't playing for national championships, it's an unsuccessful year.