Takes

A soup and half-sandwich combo is a 'power move' lunch order

My first one is soup and a half sandwich combo. That's actually a power move. It's a really good lunch. Not enough people order it.

Skyline Chili is a prank the city of Cincinnati pulled on the rest of the world.

What do you think about my theory that the city of Cincinnati basically was like, we're going to pull a prank on the rest of the world and tell them that when they come here, they've got to try the diarrhea chili?

Wawa is significantly better than Sheetz

I prefer Wawa over Sheetz, but I'm not knocking Sheetz at all... Wawa is just a part of me. So when you go there and you eat it, it just tastes right.

Skyline Chili is garbage

Cincinnati Bengals, Skyline Chili. Garbage. Yes. Thank you. It's the worst... I asked people in Cincinnati, what's the deal with the skyline? ... It's greasy drunk food.

You don't need to wash apples from a grocery store

I feel like there's a little bit more class in the apple handling department at a grocery store... [Gas station apples] I don't even want to touch the key to get into the bathroom to use the sink... I don't wash [grocery store apples].

I prefer non-alcoholic apple cider to the alcoholic versions

I would prefer, actually, a non-alcoholic cider to an alcoholic cider. I don't like alcoholic ciders... I don't like cider like Red's Apple.

Avocados are overrated; guacamole is great but solo avocados are trash

I just want to take this moment to say avocados are overrated as fuck... Guacamole, great. Avocados on their own, trash.

An hour and 45 minute wait for pizza is rude and unacceptable

You got to be fucking batshit crazy. If you're from anywhere to wait for anything for an hour and 45 minutes... I don't care what's in there. An hour and 45 minutes is rude for anything. I'm not going to an NSYNC concert. I want a slice of pizza.

Dark mustard is superior to yellow mustard in every single situation

I don't think there is any situation that yellow mustard is better than dark mustard... Why, under what circumstance would you say? No, no, hold the dark. I'll take the yellow.

Drinking a Bloody Mary after 3 p.m. should be a punishable offense

I think if you drink a Bloody Mary after 3 p.m., you should probably be arrested or shot or something.

The McChicken is the most fuckable sandwich

I think number one's got to be the McChicken. It's like the Lance Armstrong of fuckable sandwiches. [The guy in the video] destigmatized fucking the McChicken.

Pigs in a blanket are the best finger food and appetizer available

I also think that pigs in a blanket get a bad rap. I think people try to be really classy at their weddings these days and they don't do pigs in a blanket. We need to like rebrand pigs in a blanket to bring them back because they're the best finger food and appetizer out there.

Crab cakes are better with 75% filler rather than lump meat

I like the filler. ... Exactly. I want 75% filler in my crab cakes. ... Have you ever tried to eat like a 95% crab meat crab cake? Oh, it's disgusting. It's like eating a can of tuna fish.

90% of Spanakopita is inedible because it's too dry

Spanakopita can be really, really dry. Like 90% of the time, it's almost inedible because it's super dry.

Mussels are officially a finger food

Mussels. Does that count? Finger food. ... I love mussels. ... And I eat them with my finger. ... I always eat mussels just with my fingers.

Mayonnaise is a great condiment that needs to be destigmatized.

Mayo doesn't get enough respect... If there's one thing I want to bring back in this world, it's the destigmatization... it's that mayo is a great condiment and people should not be ashamed to use it.

The best 'sauce' is 'Barbacuffalo,' a mix of barbecue and buffalo sauce.

My number one [sauce] is Barbacuffalo sauce. It's when you mix barbecue and buffalo sauce together. Hank invented this a few years ago and he eats buffalo and barbecue sauce combined.

The best 'sauce' is dipping fries into a Wendy's chocolate frosty.

The chocolate frosties from Wendy's. Dip fries in a chocolate frosty. That's the best sauce there is.

Ketchup is a trash condiment.

Ketchup's trash, man.

Queso and guacamole both qualify as sauces or condiments.

Number two, queso. Oh, man, that's cheating... obviously queso. No, it's also a condiment. You can put queso on a steak... you can put queso on a sandwich. Number three is salsa. Number three is guacamole. You can get it on a sub.

Geno's Steaks in Philadelphia is trash

Number one, Pat's. Number two, South Philly. Number three, Geno's. Geno's is trash. I hate Geno's.

A big bowl of Pho is the best hangover food

My fourth is going to be my favorite hangover food, and that's a big bowl of Pho, the Vietnamese soup. Really good for a hangover, yeah. If you get all the weird shit in there too, like the intestine stuff.

Guy Fieri's food is the best food I've ever had

I'm a big Guy Fieri guy, so I feel like I can say this. The food was phenomenal. Best food I've ever had.

Skyline Chili is actually good and I love it

I love Skyline Chili... Every time, the first time I got called up to the big leagues with the Reds... I had two chili dogs. Skyline Chili has always been a classic for me, man. I can't hate on that. Skyline Chili is the best. They can't give enough cheese, baby.

Potato salad is a Mount Rushmore level picnic side

I'm going to go with your potato salad. You need to have a little potato salad on your plate.

Coleslaw is trash

Dude, coleslaw is trash... everybody puts them on their plate, but they don't eat them.

Dijon is the best mustard

Number one on my Mount Rushmore of mustards is Dijon mustard. Delicious on a sandwich. Can't get enough of a good Dijon.

Spicy brown mustard is the best kind of mustard

Spicy Brown? Yeah, that's actually my favorite mustard. That's my number one. That's my bottom bitch, if you will, of mustards.

All mustard is trash

I have nothing on my Mount Rushmore because all mustard is trash.

The city of Cincinnati is collectively trying to prank the world with Skyline Chili

I'm convinced, absolutely convinced that everyone in the city of Cincinnati just said, we're going to fuck with the world. So anytime they come to Cincinnati, we're going to make them eat this disgusting chili and tell them that it's all we eat.

Skyline Chili is a running joke used by Cincinnati residents to prank tourists

Skyline Chili, I'm convinced all of Cincinnati has Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know what is going on there. They have convinced themselves that's real food that people should eat. I think it's a running joke. Everyone in Cincinnati was like, hey, let's try to convince the rest of the world that every time they come visit us, they have to eat this diarrhea.

The Arby's in Columbus is the worst fast food restaurant in America

Arby's is a questionable choice to begin with. This one particular Arby's was probably the worst fast food restaurant in America... We knew we had a problem when the guy in front of us was complaining about soggy, moldy bread that he got a week ago, and he wanted a free sandwich, and they were fighting him tooth and nail for a $5 free sandwich.

Buffalo wings are better than anybody else's wings in the world

These Buffalo wings are better than anybody's... I'm definitely making my rounds, and there's definitely a difference.

My go-to late-night coaching meal is two Double Quarter Pounders with extra cheese and jalapenos

I always got two [Double Quarter Pounders] with extra cheese and jalapenos, but I do that on my own ticket.

Duff's is far better than Anchor Bar for wings in Buffalo

We unanimously decided that Duff's was far better than Anchor Bar. Anchor Bar had an unfortunate incident... but we unanimously decided that Duff's was far better.

Rockin' Refuel will get you jacked, but it might be a different kind of jacked

You get jacked, but it might be a different kind of jack.

Hershey's Hugs are superior to Kisses

Hershey's hugs are better than kisses.

Buffalo Wild Wings is a moth to a flame that draws you in during airport delays

Flight got delayed for like two hours, and I was just staring at a Buffalo Wild Wings... My diet lasted about 10 hours because that Buffalo Wild Wings drew me in like a moth to a flame. And I was just like, I'll take five.

Buffalo Wild Wings' wings are finally getting good again

Their wings got bad there for a little while. They're coming back, though. The wings are good. They got bigger wings.

Pimento cheese sandwiches taste like microwaved Dunkaroos

You could get the same effect from microwaved Dunkaroos for 30 minutes in your microwave and then making a ball out of it. That's what the pimento cheese sandwich tastes like.

Old milk is at its best in coffee once it has been turning for two days and is right on the line of being drinkable.

I like to use old milk in my coffee because it's got a little extra kick to it. No, it's a fine line between being like rancid and being drinkable. And so like when it first starts to turn those first two days, that's when it's best in coffee.

Washing an Oreo under tap water before eating it is 'not that bad'

My buddy was like, oh, have you ever run an Oreo underneath water before you ate it?... He went and got an Oreo and put it underwater and gave it to me. It wasn't that bad.