Takes

The only way to effectively lose weight is to completely cut out carbohydrates

I say this as someone who fluctuates weight more than Oprah. Any, the only time it's ever worked for me, which I've been doing recently, is just during the week. It's no carbs... If you don't eat carbs, the weight will come off.

Cheese is orange, not yellow — I looked it up

I like cheese and I wanted to take it, but I looked it up and the first color it said was orange.

I am going to replace Hank as the person who gets killed and fucked in this Dungeons and Dragons adventure

I just know how this is gonna go. I'm just gonna replace Hank is the guy who gets killed and fucked.

A Jimmy Carter 'not awake' report is effectively a death notice

Jimmy Carter, who it was reported the other day that Jimmy Carter is no longer awake every day... isn't that just dead? The guy just let him die. He's been in hospice for like a year and a half... grandson, don't wake him up next time he is not awake for a day. Don't wake him up the next day. Just let him sleep forever.

People catching and eating cicadas at baseball games will be a viral trend this summer

We're gonna see more and more, I predict this summer of just cicada cam. Just people just grabbing a cicada and eating it on camera. . . normalize it.

I will find a middle ground with my sleep schedule to avoid missing shows

The first incident sleeping in too late kickstarted my fitness documentary journey, which has me waking up early, which then forced me to be tired and sleep late. So I just gotta find that middle ground. But I'm gonna find it.

Amphibians have ears that connect directly to their brains

One thing I know about lizards and amphibians, they've got ears that connect directly to their brain. Could I sing a note so high that the vibration of it kills everyone's tadpole?

The reason Hank is grumpy is because the current weed supply has been nerfed by a virus

I actually know why Hank's grumpy... weed's on my Hot Seat. There's something called a hop latent viroid going around and it basically nerfs potent weed... the nerfing of the weed is going around right now... [it's] affecting like 90% of marijuana plants in the country.

One teenage hippo can successfully take on three or four ghouls in combat.

I think one hippo can take three GULs or four... I think that's a solid matchup.

Orcas are attacking boats to train their young to hunt, not for revenge

Update on those orca attacks. Turns out the orcas may be using the boats that they're attacking to train the younger orcas, how to hunt. It may not be some sort of retribution situation.

Seasonal aggression is a real phenomenon where people get angrier when it's hot out

Seasonal aggression. Yeah... angry... just gets hyper... no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

Sloth bears are more vicious than honey badgers

I've been going on a deep dive and rabbit hole on sloth bears. They're the most vicious animal on earth. I think more vicious than a honey badger. They fight tigers and tigers are literally scared of them.

The East River is full of prehistoric bison bones dumped by a developer

Dirty Water Don... he's found a bone. He found a jawbone of a steppe bison, which is just a prehistoric, gigantic bison. He found the jawbone in the East River. So that means that it is true. There were tons of bones dumped there.

I am going to lose more weight than you can imagine after football season

I'm gonna lose so much fat fast. ... I'm just saying I'm gonna lose more weight than you could even imagine. ... Once football's over, I'm back.

I am getting hair plugs to combat my balding

I'm gonna go one way or the other. I don't wanna stay where I'm at right now. I'm in no man's land... All right. I'm gonna get hair plugs.

Humans can outrun horses in long-distance races

Humans can outrun horses in long distances. Just it's a thing. Trust me. ... The humans were able to run farther distance over time and that's why they became the apex predators.

Sunning your balls can improve androgens and is 'pretty primal'

If you sun your balls, there is a study. It's an older study, I think it's from like the fifties or sixties that shows that it does improve androgens, not necessarily testosterone... I think it's pretty fucking primal. Right? I mean, we, we didn't evolve essentially with clothes... I think it's pretty primal to do.

You cannot go to Antarctica if you still have your appendix

Fact, you can't go to Antarctica if you have your appendix. ... because they don't have medical technology down there. So if it starts to rupture, you're gonna die.

Icing injuries is actually bad for recovery

Turns out ice is bad. I'm actually going to write a blog on that. There's tons of ice and cold is terrible for healing. It shuts down your inflammatory response, which actually is healing... ice is bad for like muscle gaining and like cold plunges are kind of good, but it's not you.

The mob deserves a better reputation because they built Las Vegas

The mob, shout out the mob. Mob gets a bad rep. They built Las Vegas for us. That's a fact. Say what you will about the mob. They built Las Vegas. Okay.

Everyone craps themselves right before they die

[PFT Commenter]: Then he craps himself before he died. [Big Cat]: As everyone does before they died. Jake tried to eat his, but—

I was born with natural God-given talent that allowed me to excel at any sport without even practicing

I was born with a natural ability, natural skillset. Like you could drop, God just dropped me on earth and was like 'son, you could play baseball, basketball, football, pick your choice'. I could throw a football 60 yards. I could throw a baseball 88 miles per hour in high school. I ran a four four or four five. And I could play basketball. This was without practicing to anything.

The PMT office 'jeans ripping' trend will end in a legitimate fight

We've found ourselves into a jeans ripping problem on this podcast... It's going to end poorly. I don't know how it's going to end, but I just know that no one's going to be happy and we're going to get into a small fight about it. And then it's going to be no more pants ripping.

Grapefruit-sized Joro spiders are going to invade the East Coast by flying in on parachutes

Grapefruit-sized spiders are going to be invading the East Coast flying in parachutes. They're called Joro spiders. And if you look it up on YouTube, there's a bunch of really funny redneck shooting them with guns. And it's very funny.

Hank the Tank the bear cannot be relocated and will die if forced into the wilderness

Hank the tank is a 500 pound black bear... He doesn't know how to hunt because he's so dependent on humans. He cannot be relocated to the wilderness or he would die of starvation because he's completely has zero motivation... Plus he's fat as fuck.

I'm going to get jacked and start dressing like an adult in 2022

I'm getting jacked again and starting to dress more like an adult... Look what I got for Christmas... It's a satchel. It's not a backpack. Adult steps.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

Pool water isn't actually blue; the lining is white and the water is clear

No, the water's clear... I think the walls, the walls are white, the bottom's white and the water's clear... This is the hill I'm dying on right now. The teas were definitely black... the water is clear and the lining of the pool was white.

You must heat all Italian deli meats to 165 degrees to avoid the risk of salmonella

CDC just sent out... that you have to heat up all your Italian meats to 165 degrees [for] salmonella. No more like a cold Italian sub right now. Everywhere.

Porn is the driving engine behind the internet

Anytime they try to take porn off of the internet, it's like that's what the internet was... The driving engine behind the internet is porn. It is. It's like trying to shovel a driveway in Antarctica. If you took all the porn off the internet, people would just not be on the internet anymore.

Black bears are 'pussies' that humans can beat in a fight

Black bears, actual pussies. I saw you. You were right on that video. You could beat the shit out of a black bear. You snuffed that out. I appreciate that. Black bears would run like pots and pans get rid of black bears. Black fight back. brown lay down lay down white say good night boom there it is that's how you handle bears.

The keto diet is 'neuroprotective' and can help ward off diseases like Alzheimer's.

I read this study that when your brain runs on ketones, it's neuroprotective. So it wards off stuff like Alzheimer's.

Vacations are back now that Israel is fully vaccinated

Cool throne would be vacations. There's going to be fully vaccinated out in Israel. Vacations are back.

The Houston Astros officially cursed the city of Houston

Do you think this has anything to do with the Houston Astros have now officially cursed the city of Houston? Because James Harden and now Deshaun Watson both want out of town... It all goes back to the Houston Astros and their cheating scandal.

Bats can predict the future using spatiotemporal echolocation

Bats can actually see into the future because they predict where the insect [is going]. They've gotten so good at using echolocation, they can predict where an insect is going by processing the spatiotemporal information. It's like a quarterback knowing where a receiver is going to be.

There is an active war going on in the ocean where orca whales are specifically ripping out sharks' testicles

Whales are ripping out the testicles off the coast South Africa... there's some sort of war going on in the ocean. They're practicing Eugenics. They're not there disabling their ability to breed.

Sports could save millions of lives by providing a model for solving COVID-19

Sports might save millions of lives. And this is definitely not just me talking insane because I haven't had any sports on TV... Because if you can test, if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out.

2020 is going to continue to get worse and 'run up the score' on us

2020 is going to go the fuck out. You imagine if 2020 hasn't even gone to fuck off yet? Do we haven't got the aliens yet? ... A nuclear attack would be just a heat check from 2020.

A grizzly bear would easily defeat a gorilla because of its massive weight advantage

I researched this very intensely and a gorilla can only get up to like 300 or 400 pounds. Whereas a grizzly bear can get up to 1,500 pounds depending on the subspecies... get the big grizzly bear... the Kodiak bear can get up to 2,000 pounds.

I want to buy a Wiffle ball league and become the Vince McMahon of Wiffle ball

I want to buy a wiffle ball leak and I watched probably three hours of this Wiffle ball league in Michigan... I want to be the Vince McMahon and Wiffle ball and and bring them all together and make a national Wiffle ball league because you know what? I actually think Wiffle ball could just be the new sport.

Weights are physically heavier in 'shitty' gyms with no air conditioning

He trained in the shittiest gyms. And I think that those weights are, in fact, heavier in shitty gyms. If you go to a place that's 100 degrees inside, that's got cobwebs and dust and shit everywhere, you're going to get a better pump than if you go to a Gold's Gym in Manhattan Beach.

The bathroom is the safest place to be during a thunderstorm or tornado

Somewhere along the lines I was told that you'll get electrocuted if you [shower in a storm]. I don't think that's true at all. I think that there's probably no safer place to be during a thunderstorm or tornado than your bathroom.

Delaware is only known for tax shelters and Joe Biden's corpse

Delaware number one a number one Delaware. What is in Delaware? Those people are tax. They've got a heart attack... all that's in Delaware is I guess Joe Biden's corpse and those weird tax companies credit card companies.

Bears recycle their urine and feces into carbohydrates while they hibernate

They recycle their poop and pee while they hibernate... we don't poop and they turn it into more carbohydrates while they hibernate.

Hot water, lemon juice, honey, and Tylenol is an effective strategy for treating COVID-19

I'm recommending also hot green tea, lemon juice, and honey three times a day because the hot water washes down the virus... and if they have a fever give them Tylenol anyway, that's all I have to say.

Developing a safe vaccine will take at least a year to a year and a half

Safety is paramount. . . We really are on a very very fast track to get a vaccine. But even on the fastest track, it's going to take a year to a year and a half.

The sports void will feel better once the usual March Madness window passes

I think it will get better after two weeks when we aren't in the March Madness Zone, but Thursday morning. I'm going to need you all to text me and check in check in with your friends, because that's going to be a tough one for me to wake up.

Antarctica is always freezing, and it is weird to suggest they have a 'summer' where it isn't cold

I was always taught that Antarctica was just always freezing. No one lives there. It's a continent that no one lives on because it's all ice... I assume that it was always cold... there's no houses there, people don't go vacationing there.

Peeing in a pool is safer than getting out because it prevents slip-and-fall accidents

You're more likely to injure yourself getting out of a pool and getting back in than you are if you just stay in the pool and pee. If you walk through the house after being in a pool, you're creating an enormous slip and fall hazard... you're basically putting a gun to their head. So pee in that pool.

Next summer will be even hotter than this year's record-breaking summer

It's the hottest summer ever. That's a fact. Again, it'll be even hotter next year. Next summer.