Takes

Soap doesn't actually work on your armpits

How come when you use soap, soap doesn't work on your armpits? Isn't that an interesting question? Take soap out of the equation. You're thinking about the soap. Take the soap out of the equation.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

Young adults should be assholes and selfish until they turn 25

I don't trust people who know exactly what they want to do in life when they're 18 and 19 years old because we're all shitheads before we're 25. Until you turn 25, you should be an asshole. You should be selfish. You should not care about anybody else. You should just want to have a good time all the time.

Buying a trampoline for your kids is like buying a gun range for your family

Buying a trampoline for your kids is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. I can't stress... it's like buying a dizzy bat race slash gun range for your family. That's how bad it's going to be. Everyone's going to get hurt.

The ultimate parenting life hack is buying a trampoline for your neighbor's kids

Here's really what the life hack is right here. Buy your neighbor a trampoline for his kids... He can fucking assemble it. He can hurt his grass. And now your kid is not around anymore. Just tramp cuck him.

Being a Resident Assistant in college is a terrible job

Don't be an RA. Don't fucking do it. Listen, if you need the free housing... Go work the streets, but don't be an RA. An RA is worse than a mall cop.

Indianapolis is the true 'Barstool America' because it's stereotypical heartland

We Oxford Dictionary-ed what America is. Stereotypically American was the answer, and I said, well, I think that's more like everything I do in my life... I'm all about the heartland here. And even New York City, boy, has grown on me... but when I got here, I really thought I was in foreign land.

Having 15 bridesmaids in a wedding is ridiculous and impossible

I think anytime you reach double digits, it's like, holy shit, what's going on here? ... Nobody has that many friends. If you have 12 people in your wedding, that means that either you're just trying way too hard to please people or it just means that you're rich and all your friends are using you for your money.

Swallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee

I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.

You can never be friends with your bookie

[Big Cat: Can you be friends with your bookie?] No. That's the age-old question, and the answer is no.

Men and women can't be friends unless they are having sex

Can guys and girls be friends? No. Unless they're fucking. Then they're really good friends.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

Cats are soul-stealing witches that shouldn't be allowed around babies

This furthers my theory that cats are witches... it is true that cats, when you sneeze, they steal your soul... and they steal baby's breath, too, if you leave a cat in a room with a kid.

Girls actually like guys who fart and burp in their face

Girls actually like a guy that farts. A lot. And burps in her face. That shows a certain level of masculinity.

A visible semen stain on your pants is proof that you are in your sexual prime

It means, it's a confirmation that you're sexually, that you're in your sexual prime... Girls, they're biologically tuned to seek out guys that look fertile. What better proof is there than just having your boys dripping out of your fly?

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

A koala ride is a safer drunk transportation method than a piggyback ride

The koala ride's actually a lot safer than the piggyback. [Big Cat]: Yeah, and then boom, you're having sex.

Never spend more than $50 on sunglasses if you are under 30

Little tip for everyone out there... If you're under 30 years old, never, ever, ever buy a pair of sunglasses that are more than $50. That's on you, okay? $50. I don't buy a pair unless it's under $15.

To win over a girl on a first date, be as dumb and awful as possible

Spin Zone, girls love a challenge. So if you're going on a first date, try to fuck up and be as dumb and awful as you can be. Because then they're going to say, whoa, look at this wild horse. I want to tame him and bring him into the bar. Learn that one from every Judd Apatow rom-com.

Sleeping in the same bed as a man isn't gay as long as you keep your suit on

I will say that no man card taken away. People forget. You could sleep with as many dudes in the bed as you want. If you keep your suit on, it's not gay.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

Millennials are pussies who lack accountability and positivity

I think that he's right that millennials have no sense of positivity when it comes to adversity. If there's one thing I know about millennials is that they don't like it when they're put in a bad situation. Millennials are pussies. Yeah, exactly.

You can only trust the weather in Chicago between July 4th and Labor Day

It's been classic Chicago because three weeks, two weeks ago, it was 80 degrees and beautiful. Now winter is basically back. And like I said, the only time you can trust Chicago weather is like July 4th to Labor Day.