Takes

Soap doesn't actually work on your armpits

How come when you use soap, soap doesn't work on your armpits? Isn't that an interesting question? Take soap out of the equation. You're thinking about the soap. Take the soap out of the equation.

Sitting in all-inclusive seats at a baseball game is not a flex because it just turns you into a "toxic wasteland" of gas

If you go to all-inclusive for the baseball game, it's fart city. That's all you're gonna do for the rest of the day. You just eat so many things... By the third inning I'm a toxic wasteland. It rules though.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

Never slide in beer league softball unless it's the playoffs

Here's a hard and fast rule I had with softball... You never, ever slide if it's not the playoffs. Ever. Regular season does not matter. Just do not slide. If you get caught and you get tagged out, that's fine. It's better than sliding.

American office life is just a competition to see who can sit at their desk for the longest

Basically, office life in America is just people competing to see who can just sit at their desk for the longest.

Being young is a performance-enhancing drug for partying

Being younger is like a PED for partying. If you meet someone who's under 25 years old, cross the street. Yes, go far away.

You should always start college with an easy major like communications and only add hard majors if you find it too easy

Start at the bullshit major and if you end up being like, oh, I'm actually smarter than I thought, then you can add on. Start with the communications. Start with the history or the political side. Then if you find out that it's too easy, then you can add to engineering.

Young adults should be assholes and selfish until they turn 25

I don't trust people who know exactly what they want to do in life when they're 18 and 19 years old because we're all shitheads before we're 25. Until you turn 25, you should be an asshole. You should be selfish. You should not care about anybody else. You should just want to have a good time all the time.

I would rather die than have my fiancée save my life with the Heimlich maneuver

I'd rather die. I'd rather die. You can't have someone just walking around being like, I saved your life.

Buying a trampoline for your kids is like buying a gun range for your family

Buying a trampoline for your kids is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. I can't stress... it's like buying a dizzy bat race slash gun range for your family. That's how bad it's going to be. Everyone's going to get hurt.

The ultimate parenting life hack is buying a trampoline for your neighbor's kids

Here's really what the life hack is right here. Buy your neighbor a trampoline for his kids... He can fucking assemble it. He can hurt his grass. And now your kid is not around anymore. Just tramp cuck him.

I have a twin who is an jacked Instagram model, and my life is a failure by comparison

Ken Jack, who helps out with this show, revealed my twin who is incredibly jacked and a muscle freak and an Instagram model. So Jimbo to me for spending the last five years getting increasingly fatter and making it super depressing when I see this guy who is awesome looking... owned my life.

Being a Resident Assistant in college is a terrible job

Don't be an RA. Don't fucking do it. Listen, if you need the free housing... Go work the streets, but don't be an RA. An RA is worse than a mall cop.

The best strategy for a college group project is to skip the meetings and volunteer to be the presenter.

This is why if you're ever in a group situation in college, just stop going to class. Then volunteer to be the presenter. Like, 'I'm really good in front of people, I'll do the heavy lifting and get in front of the class.' That's the most nerve-wracking part. Just get sporadic emails thrown into there so people know you're still working on the project, even if you have absolutely no value.

Indianapolis is the true 'Barstool America' because it's stereotypical heartland

We Oxford Dictionary-ed what America is. Stereotypically American was the answer, and I said, well, I think that's more like everything I do in my life... I'm all about the heartland here. And even New York City, boy, has grown on me... but when I got here, I really thought I was in foreign land.

Having 15 bridesmaids in a wedding is ridiculous and impossible

I think anytime you reach double digits, it's like, holy shit, what's going on here? ... Nobody has that many friends. If you have 12 people in your wedding, that means that either you're just trying way too hard to please people or it just means that you're rich and all your friends are using you for your money.

Swallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee

I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.

You can never be friends with your bookie

[Big Cat: Can you be friends with your bookie?] No. That's the age-old question, and the answer is no.

Men and women can't be friends unless they are having sex

Can guys and girls be friends? No. Unless they're fucking. Then they're really good friends.

The phrases 'you can be anything' and 'there are no stupid questions' are complete bullshit.

Two of the dumbest things that were said to every kid. You can be anything when you grow up. That's just bullshit. And two, there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Also bullshit. There's a ton of stupid questions.

Dating a woman who owns a cat by herself is a major red flag

Your first mistake was dating a girl that owns a cat by herself. That's a red flag right there.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

Cats are soul-stealing witches that shouldn't be allowed around babies

This furthers my theory that cats are witches... it is true that cats, when you sneeze, they steal your soul... and they steal baby's breath, too, if you leave a cat in a room with a kid.

Girls actually like guys who fart and burp in their face

Girls actually like a guy that farts. A lot. And burps in her face. That shows a certain level of masculinity.

A visible semen stain on your pants is proof that you are in your sexual prime

It means, it's a confirmation that you're sexually, that you're in your sexual prime... Girls, they're biologically tuned to seek out guys that look fertile. What better proof is there than just having your boys dripping out of your fly?

You don't actually have to pay campus parking tickets if you don't plan on graduating from that college

I know one thing about colleges and tickets on cars... You don't have to pay those tickets. It doesn't matter. If you don't plan on graduating from that college, you don't have to pay.

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.

Nothing good ever happens on the cloud, so you should stay off of it.

Stay off the cloud, kids. Nothing good can happen on the cloud. The cloud is not your friend.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

The cloud can do nothing but bad things for you; it is your enemy

Just stay away from the cloud. The cloud can do nothing but bad things for you, okay? The cloud is not your friend. The cloud is your enemy. Repeat that over and over, and you should be okay in your life.

You should give homeless people gift cards instead of cash or food

Here's what you do next time. Get them a gift card. Problem solved... $5 gift card.

You should never bring up anything you thought was funny online while on a date

As a general rule of thumb, you don't ever want to bring up anything that you thought was funny online on a date.

It is impossible for a human to tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket

You can't tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket... It's like a horse laying down for longer than two minutes. You're going to die.

Never spend more than $50 on sunglasses if you are under 30

Little tip for everyone out there... If you're under 30 years old, never, ever, ever buy a pair of sunglasses that are more than $50. That's on you, okay? $50. I don't buy a pair unless it's under $15.

Cats are soulless animals that would watch their owners die slowly without helping

Can an animal without a soul ever be alive? ... [A cat] will just sit there and watch you die slowly. That's basically the best case scenario for owning a cat.

Sleeping in the same bed as a man isn't gay as long as you keep your suit on

I will say that no man card taken away. People forget. You could sleep with as many dudes in the bed as you want. If you keep your suit on, it's not gay.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

Seeing a hot nude of your ex on your phone actually makes you more attractive to your current girlfriend

I would say that this is actually a good move for the guy because... she's jealous because you've got a hot nude of your ex on there. And so now she's like, there's something about this guy that makes chicks want to send him nudes. And so like in her mind, now you're like, you're one notch up now.

Millennials are pussies who lack accountability and positivity

I think that he's right that millennials have no sense of positivity when it comes to adversity. If there's one thing I know about millennials is that they don't like it when they're put in a bad situation. Millennials are pussies. Yeah, exactly.

You can only trust the weather in Chicago between July 4th and Labor Day

It's been classic Chicago because three weeks, two weeks ago, it was 80 degrees and beautiful. Now winter is basically back. And like I said, the only time you can trust Chicago weather is like July 4th to Labor Day.

The best way to quit gambling is through 'aversion therapy' by intentionally losing bets to get a bad taste in your mouth

Teach yourself some—what's it called when you—like aversion therapy? You want to bet on some bets that you know are going to lose. You want to lose some bets and get a bad taste in your mouth from gambling... and you won't want to do it anymore.