Takes

NBA players and coaches should admit they only care about China's money

I would prefer if they just said: our money is paid in large part by China and all these people buying league pass. And it's a big fucking country. And we're trying to sell a shitload of Kobe jerseys. So therefore, we are going to remove ourselves from this discussion.

Rapping is only 20% of being successful in the music industry

I think personally, rapping is like 20% of it. And it doesn't mean that you don't have the 100% potential and experience and lyrics and, you know, do what you do. But I feel like people forget about the business side.

Mike Leach will get involved in the political meme wars of 2020

He's [Mike Leach] just getting into the meme game. He's just getting into it and watch out world. He's going to as soon as he catches up... he definitely will be in the political meme wars of 2020.

Max Kellerman did not create the term 'BOAT'

Max Kellerman keeps talking about how he created the BOAT, and it's pissing me off... I think someone in the Barstool World slash Blake [Bortles] created it, and it's been around for five years now, and the fact that Max Kellerman thinks he just made it up on the spot yesterday is driving me insane.

Bill Walton should be the commentator for every sporting event televised

Bill Walton watching a baseball game is just, it's incredible. He should do way more games. I don't know why they haven't thought of this, but he should just do everything. When they do the Ocho on ESPN, it should just be Bill Walton.

Bill Simmons genuinely wants to stop the union at The Ringer

There's a part of me that thinks that what Dave was doing part edge stick today is exactly what Bill Simmons wants to do for real. Bill Simmons lucked into this day because holy shit.

The secret to the Stone Cold Stunner is doing it in a ring because the concrete has no give

The secret to the stunner is do it in a ring because you got a little bit of give. I hit my damn tailbone [on concrete] and every vertebrae in my back said, fuck you, don't ever do that again. So yeah, it works best inside a ring with a little bit of give.

Spontaneity and the feeling that anything can happen at any time is lost in today's wrestling product

When you used to watch, you know, back in the Attitude Era... it was a sense of urgency. You felt like anything could happen at any one time. And to me, it's just maybe, I'm not picking on today's product, but I'm just saying the spontaneity is lost. Like that feeling that anything could happen is lost.

If I could go back to WrestleMania 17, I would have hit Vince McMahon with a stunner and maintained my babyface run

If I could call the Audible now, I would have just told him, hey, man, I ain't feeling it... if I could go back, I just said, hey, man, I'm calling an audible, watch the stunner. And then stunned [Vince's] ass and would have maintained my baby face run.

Peter King should have his driver's license revoked

It's time to start asking, should Peter King have a license? He should have his license revoked. I agree with that. He is a menace. He's a threat.

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people? I wouldn't be surprised. Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand... That's exactly what somebody that didn't have to pee would say. It's called an old red herring. He doesn't piss ever. He's the witch, dude.

ESPN is ruining the UFC's broadcasting model

Fuck ESPN for what they're doing to the UFC. That's a dumb, stupid fucking model. Makes no sense where the fuck you put the fights. I can't buy it or you can't buy it and it's on Sling, but then you go to Sling and it played three hours earlier.

Pepsi was the sixth largest military power in the world in 1989

In 1989, the cash strapped Soviet Union paid Pepsi with 17 submarines, a cruiser, a frigate and a destroyer in exchange for three billion dollars worth of Pepsi, causing Pepsi to become the sixth largest military power, at least Navy wise, in the world.

Challenges and replay in sports are bad because they prevent fans from complaining about being screwed

I'm firmly in the stance that everyone who wants more replay and more challenges, what you're going to do is you're going to get a world where we can't complain about anything. And watching sports is half of it is winning. And the other half is saying why your team didn't lose. They got screwed.

Peter King is a hypocrite for criticizing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

It is unbelievable to watch where Peter King draws the line. Putting a serial rapist into the Hall of Fame. Okay. Darren Sharper. Eating too many hot dogs on 4th of July? Nuh-uh. Don't do it. Covering a sport for 30, 40 years... where guys are dying from brain injuries... Okay. Watching Joey Chestnut eat 71 hot dogs on July 4th? Uh-uh. That's Peter King's line.

I would have been a better cast member than a writer at Saturday Night Live

I really was probably better off as a cast member. I wasn't a writer when I got on the show. I think because I actually auditioned for cast... I came in with no writing experience, but I were amazing with your ideas.

Wrestling heels must stay in character at the arena to maintain credibility with fans

My thing is when you're a bad guy, a heel, you, of course, obviously just the character you play, but when you're on site at the arena, you have to play the character. You have to because if you don't, if you're nice to everybody and then an hour later when you're in the ring and trying to get people to boo you, people are like, oh, I'm not going to boo you.

AEW's existence will force Vince McMahon to improve the WWE product

It's also going to stick a boot up Vince's ass. You know, you're not just, if you're running a race and no one's behind you, you slow down, you stop, have a drink, whatever. If there's someone right on your heels and you're about ready to lose the race, you're going to run as fast as you can.

The NBA Draft is the most anticlimactic show on television

Is there any more anticlimactic TV show than the NBA draft? ... You only have to tune in for the first five minutes of the NBA draft and then you're good to go.

Jim Nantz is the best broadcaster to ever call golf on television

I'd rather listen to [Jim Nantz] do golf than listen to myself do golf. ... I think he's the best to ever call golf on TV in my lifetime, or at least in my adulthood. And I wanted to hear him do golf at Pebble Beach. ... I'd rather fall asleep to him calling golf while I lay on the couch than anybody else.

Cord cutters are not real sports fans

People who are cord cutters are not sports fans. I'm just going to say it right now. Because you are buffering and you're watching a minute behind. You care more about the money you're saving than sports, than the actual sports and being up to date. You are not a real sports fan.

The tour-based model is the best way for a niche sport like lacrosse to make a national impact

We're tour-based. ... When you're a smaller sport like lacrosse, we needed to capitalize on the players, on venues and distribution. ... If we were to label cities to them, that we would just be really local and we wouldn't be able to capitalize on this national growth. ... Some fan in San Francisco and New York can just pick their allegiance.

For the health of the Premier Lacrosse League, Paul Rabil needs to get into a fight in week one

You got to fight like week one to get it out there. Like you know that right? Like for the health of the league, you have to fight.

People who chase TV ratings on the internet are the absolute worst

People who chase ratings might be the worst people on the internet... They don't even care about the sport. They just care about the next morning. How many people watch and how can I spin this to fit my exact narrative that I'm trying to throw out?

RJ Hampton's brand will be fine because we will be the number one RJ Hampton podcast on planet Earth

Guess what, Jeff Goodman? His brand is going to be fine because we're going to be the number one RJ Hampton podcast on planet Earth.

Skip Bayless is the real winner of the 2019 NBA Finals no matter the outcome

Skip Bayless is the real winner of these NBA finals, no matter what happens... Because if the Warriors win, it's an indictment on Kawhi. And Skip gets to say, number two, I told you he was number two. And if the Raptors win, it's a big win for Skip Bayless because then he can retroactively use that and say it means less that LeBron James beat that Warriors team without KD back in 2016 because Kawhi also did it.

Direct messages on Twitter or Instagram officially count as 'texting' for reporting purposes

A text is a tweet, a DM, an Instagram DM, an Instagram comment... Broussard did the classic thing where... he says that Kevin Durant and he exchanged many DMs... he's not having it [the debate if a DM is a text]. It's all just a text now.

NCAA Football is the greatest video game of all time

NCAA video game is back. Well, maybe back. NCAA formed a committee to bring back the NCAA football game. And this is the greatest news I think that has ever happened in my life. Because that game is the best game ever.

Joe Rogan is like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do DMT

I think Joe Rogan's the best interviewer because he's curious. He's genuinely curious. He's like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do DMT.

Max Kellerman farted on 'First Take' because he's terrified of Stephen A. Smith

I think he did fart, and I think it's because Stephen A. Smith has just been owning him with debates... Kellerman is scared of Stephen A. Smith. He is absolutely frightened by the very sight of him.

Instant replay should have a shot clock to keep the game moving

We should just have a shot clock on the replays because that would be thrilling. If the ref only has a certain amount of time... if they can't find the replay fast enough, guess what? Tough shit.

Skip Bayless won by getting the Virginia Cavaliers to talk about him after the title game

Anytime a championship team talks about an analyst, a troll analyst, they won. Mission accomplished. No matter who it is, no matter what it is that's giving Stephen A. Smith attention, Stephen A. is basking in it.

Referees and umpires are more entertaining when they stand up for themselves

I like umps that stand up for themselves. I think that we've done umps a disservice recently... I like it when they stand up for themselves, when they have a thing like Country Joe West. It's kind of fun knowing that there's a guy out there who's absolutely not what people paid to watch that thinks that he's what people paid to watch.

The podcast industry will eventually die like magazines

Everything's going to die. Listen, whatever project you're working on, that thing is not going to exist in 100 years. I don't care who you are. So yeah, everything's going to die.

The 'I Hate Christian Laettner' title was a smart marketing move

The title bothered me until I called my mother... She says, well, they don't want only the Duke lovers and the Laettner lovers to watch this show. They want everyone across the board to watch it... Carolina fans, Kentucky fans... Everyone's going to want to watch it and see what's up.

Mike Francesa invented the concept of a podcast co-host

He invented co-hosts. Mike Francesa, in addition to Daily Fantasy, has invented co-hosts. My idea.

Darren Rovell's brand is being the guy who 'forgot' to fill out a bracket

Darren knows brands. And my suspicion is he realized at the very last minute that his brand is being the guy that doesn't fill out a bracket and tells you that he didn't. And so he was like, it'd be bad. It would just be a bad change of pace.

No joke is truly offensive because the intent of a joke makes it benign

There's a big kind of intellectual theory around this about benign violation and the idea that no joke is offensive because it's a joke. Because as soon as you put it in that space where you go, okay, it's cancer... But as soon as you make a joke about it, you put it into a space where you go, it's benign. It's actually, it's okay, and it's got no power over us.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Jason Witten's return to the NFL is a genius move to save his broadcasting legacy

What Jason Witten has just pulled off... with the one year of broadcasting that he did. And he was bad. He was very bad. He is now going back to the NFL, and now he can forever be the guy where, well, he never got his second year, so we don't know. The jury's still out on whether or not Jason Witten is bad, and history will be kind to him and not mock him.

Peyton Manning's low eyes-to-forehead ratio would make him great in the booth

I actually think [Peyton Manning] would be very, very good in the booth. You talk about a guy with low eyes. He sets the record for lowest eyes to forehead ratio.

The word 'thick' is officially cancelled because Trey Wingo used it

My hot seat this week is thick. ... I'm actually canceling thick. Because Trey Wingo, he caught wind of it. ... the fact that Trey used a double C, it was like watching Darren Rovell kill 69 jokes in real time.

Adam Schefter is helping Robert Kraft by reporting there is a 'bigger name' in the prostitution sting

Adam Schefter says there's a bigger name involved, and somehow we don't have the bigger name, which leads me to believe that Adam Schefter is doing Robert Kraft a favor by basically sending everyone on a wild goose chase to figure out if Tiger Woods got jerked off.

The NFL was within its rights to prevent Bob Costas from bashing the league during a broadcast

Of course the NFL was like, hey, Bob, you can't say that on one of our fucking broadcasts, dude. Roger Goodell does a lot of stuff to silence a lot of people... but this one, it's like, why would you be allowed to bash the league that's paying your salary right now? During a game, you really can't do that.

The NBA purposefully tried to cuck the NFL during Super Bowl week

I saw somebody tweet something out like, I've scored the first four days of Super Bowl week as 10-8, 10-9, 10-8, 10-9 in favor of the NBA... This is our week, NBA. You sons of bitches, NBA. You did it again.

Tony Romo is receiving the coordinators' play-call audio in his earpiece during broadcasts

I know someone who works for the CBS football production team, and CBS is pulling play-call audio and hot routes from the same radio channel that the coordinators send to play into the QB's helmet. They direct the audio into Romo's earpiece, and he appears to know all the calls beforehand.

Fame is the least appealing part of being an actor.

Still the fame is the least appealing part of it for me. I really like coming to this city [New York] because paradoxically it's a really crowded city but you can kind of be more anonymous here.

It is bad luck to say 'good luck' to an actor before a performance.

One thing I will say, because you'll see actors kind of wince if you say it, you're not supposed to say good luck before a performance. That is bad luck to say good luck when you're talking to an actor.

NBA players are egotistical 'assholes' compared to modest NHL players

It's the ego on these assholes [in the NBA] to think that they're bigger than the team. They're bigger than the league... LeBron carries wine into the fucking game. Looking like a clown. And by the way, no hockey player would ever do that. They're going to say my teammates are the best teammates of all time because they don't need everything to be about them.

A documentary of Lenny Dykstra looking for God would be the most watched thing ever

This is the greatest story of all time. Lenny Dykstra's pursuit to find God. How is this not a Netflix documentary? This would be the most watched thing of all time. Lenny Dykstra just walking around the world looking for God.