Takes

Tom Brady never processed 9/11 because he was such a psycho about football

He just had delayed onset grief. Anything that happened during his playing career, he never processed any of it outside of football. Tom Brady probably never processed 9/11. He was such a psycho, all he cared about was football. He probably found out about it like two years ago.

I Show Speed is globally more famous than Donald Trump

I do think that I Show Speed is globally more famous than Donald Trump... between the ages of five and like 37 is four makes up 48% of the globe. And I think a overwhelming majority of them definitely know who Speed is... I think Speed might [have] 4.1 [billion people] dude. I'll give 4.1 just for sake of argument.

Norway shouldn't count in the Winter Olympic medal standings because they invented all the sports

Norway's like the friend that's like, 'Hey, do you want to come to my house and play all my video games and I'll beat you at all of them?' That's what Norway does. If you take out Norway, which you should, we [the US] dominated these Olympics.

The Bad Bunny halftime show was so bad it ruined my interest in international football forever.

That halftime performance was so bad. I might have changed my stance on international football forever... It was horrible. I was watching it and I was like, this is, who is this for? This is America. This is a fucking Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl halftime show is for chicks

The Super Bowl halftime show is—is—is for chicks... I don't think the average NFL fan is like, man, I hope this Super Bowl halftime show is awesome. I don't give a fuck.

Hulk Hogan was a significantly better professional wrestler than he was a person

Listen, we'll, we'll say it right now. Hulk Hogan. Significantly better professional wrestler than person.

Twitch streamer Stable Ronaldo will go insane trying to beat Elden Ring in a padded room

He has locked himself in a padded room... Doesn't know what time it is until he completes Elden Ring... He's setting a pace for, for maybe insanity.

Magnus Carlsen is no longer the GOAT of chess because I've only seen him lose for 48 hours.

I'm gonna say right now, Magnus [Carlsen] not the best. 'cause I have been watching chess religiously for almost 48 hours now. And all I've seen is Magnus lost.

I will defeat John Cena at Wrestlemania 41

You have to win in those moments. Otherwise the master was always the master... The only way you can do that is beat John Cena. Which is why I can't have that pizza.

Jim Morrison might still be alive and faked his death in 1971.

My other who's back of the week is Jim Morrison, maybe. Oh, he might be alive. Apparently there's a documentary on Apple TV that claims that he's still alive. He says that he did not die in Paris in 1971. They said that he faked his own death and there was never an autopsy done. I think he lives somewhere in the Midwest right now. The liver king might still be alive.

Helly is going to kill her father in the Severance Season 2 finale

I want death. I want multiple deaths. Oh, I think Helly's gonna kill her dad. No, I mean, she's showed... she tried to kill herself. They think that she's her daughter who's like the whatever of the company, but they don't know Hellie down there.

The NFL replacing 'End Racism' stencils in the end zone means racism has been officially defeated

We ended racism. No more 'End Racism' in the end zone. It only took four years. 2021 we decided let's do something... we fucking painted that shit in end zones and we did it and we put it on the backs of helmets and now racism's dead. Done. Choose love is also gone. We're choosing hate... calling time out to hate now so that you can get better at hating when you get back.

The alleged celebrity lists associated with the Diddy investigation will never be made public.

The list never come out. They never come out. They tell you that there's a list and it's a distraction so that you can come up with your old, your own like fan fiction like lore universe that you make up... The lists never do [come out].

Alex Rodriguez likely has his fingerprints all over the J-Lo and Ben Affleck divorce

J-Lo and Ben Affleck had broken up... divorce. If I know A-Rod, he's not gonna call first. This says A-Rod's soft fingerprints all over it.

There was a 30% chance Taylor Swift would attend the Beer Olympics

I've heard from multiple reports that Will said there was a 30% chance that Taylor Swift was gonna come to the beer Olympics... You never know. I think there's still a chance she might show up... when Dave was really wasn't on board, he was like, you could get me back. If you get Taylor Swift there. Right. Okay. So we're like, okay, there's a shot.

Joey Chestnut should be a billionaire

What does Joey Chestnut, what does Jeff Bezos do better than Joey Chestnut? Not a lot. What does Elon Musk do better than Joey Chestnut? Like, I want Joey Chestnut to be so rich that he can do whatever he wants.

Kate Middleton's absence was due to her getting a Brazilian Butt Lift

There's been some speculation about what Kate Middleton's been up to because she had abdominal surgery. Well, that's what people are saying that it might've been just giving her a little bit of that Pippa ass. She's been out of public though. She got a BBL. That's what people were saying. Streets are talking.

I'm rooting for Travis Kelce to propose to Taylor Swift on the jumbotron to watch the internet break

The one thing I am rooting for is I hope Travis Kelce proposes Taylor Swift. That would be awesome on the field after... I root for it because all the swifties would have to do mental gymnastics to be like, that's so cute... I want it like to be on the jumbotron and then Swifties have to be like, that's so beautiful.

Taylor Swift better be careful in Buffalo because she might fall in love with a Pinto Ron-type character in the Bill's Mafia

Taylor's going to the game. ... She better be careful in Buffalo. ... because I think that if she's not careful, she could fall in love with somebody in Bill's Mafia big time. ... Pinto Ron is gonna take her home. ... She's gonna see some real men in Buffalo.

Taylor Swift ruined Santa Claus for thousands of children

Taylor Swift probably ruined Santa Claus for thousands and thousands of children across America today... my four-year old son Chris walked in and he saw Santa... Santa was in her box, and he said, dad, we just opened presents... how come he's on TV right now?

Philadelphia fans will end up rooting for 'Passing Paisan' Tommy DeVito on Christmas

Tommy is gonna go into Philly and that crowd's gonna be rooting so hard for my guy. And they're gonna say, Hey, this guy, he's a good guy. Standup guy. He's one of us. We can't root against our guy. The passing paisan. I love that. And that's what I love about the city. Philadelphia.

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are going to break up soon

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift... we're gonna break up. Allegedly. She's gotta go back out on tour. Travis has got some rehabbing to do with the injury...

I won't believe the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce relationship is real until I see 'p and v' proof

The Swifties are at my door... for a clip on Monday that I, I said that I wanted to see until I, until I saw actual p and v, the relationship was not real to me. If I don't see sex, I don't think anyone's relationship is real in the world.

The Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift relationship is fake and for clicks until I see physical proof

I don't buy it until I see some [physical proof]. ... Until that happens, I think it's fake. And I think it's for clicks. And I think Taylor Swift is using the NFL to try to make her star bigger.

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are not actually dating

I think that Travis Kelce is not actually dating Taylor Swift. I think that this is, listen, we've been in the podcast game for a long time. We know it does numbers. Jason Kelce's a very smart guy. I think him going on the air and saying the rumors are a hundred percent true... You don't say a hundred percent if your brother's dating Taylor Swift.

I believe in ghosts now because Big Cat's gambling ghost said the Jets are winning the Super Bowl

I'm starting to see the trend, man. Everything lead right up to it. Everybody's selling the Jets in the Super Bowl... I believe in ghosts now. Yes.

Miley Cyrus will perform the sexiest Super Bowl halftime show ever in Las Vegas

Miley's back, she's gonna play at the Super Bowl probably in Allegiant Stadium, which is the sexiest stadium in the world. It's gonna be the most boner inducing halftime show of all time. We can only hope and pray that Justin Timberlake gets out there and there's another Janet Jackson scenario.

Tom Brady is a 'trophy husband' who needs a sugar mama like Kim Kardashian

Tom Brady is a stay-at-home dad. He needs to find another sugar mama to pay his bills because he always likes women who make more than him. That's just the facts. ... He's a trophy husband. ... Now he's looking for someone to take care of him.

Succession will end with Kendall Roy taking over but having no one left in his life

I think it is going to be Kendall... he's finally morphed into his father where he berated Roman. He is at odds with Shiv. ... He has no one left. And I think that that is how they're gonna end the show. Where with no one left, he becomes the king. But at what cost? Literally his entire life.

Meghan Markle attended King Charles' Coronation in a disguise

They're saying that that was Meghan Markle wearing a prosthetic, pretending to be a dude to sneak into the coronation. I have no idea if it's true or not, but I now I believe it because these people care so very deeply about it.

AI-powered robots will kill us all in less than a year

If you guys watch the episode metalhead [from Black Mirror], that's actually happening in real life... They gave Boston Dynamics robots brains and now they can do whatever they want. Think for themselves. I still think we got less than a year left. Yeah, we're done. We're cooked.

Aaron Rodgers will date or sleep with Zach Wilson's mom to establish dominance as the Jets' alpha

I think [Aaron Rodgers] is gonna fuck Zach Wilson's mom. Just get it out of the way. Be an alpha. Because I mean, Zach said he is gonna make whoever's gonna be the starting quarterback, he's gonna make their life hell.

Helen Keller was not actually deaf and could hear everything

She could hear everything. Yeah. She just couldn't speak or see... [Her parents] are tell some Tell Tales... Great commitment to the bit.

Sam Hurd was released from prison early to serve as viral marketing for the movie Cocaine Bear

Sam Hurd has been released from Federal penitentiary... after serving a 10 year sentence for distributing cocaine. Timing is very suspicious with the release of Cocaine Bear. A lot of people are saying that this judge might have taken some money to do some gorilla marketing for the movie.

WWE and AEW will engage in a massive bidding war for me in 2024

On January 1st, 2024, they [WWE] will most certainly be making their bid to get MJF over there... I'm a very simple man [money]. If they offer a penny more, this is a business. This is not friend business, it's show business.

Magnus Carlsen is likely the one using vibrating anal beads to cheat at chess

I think that Magnus... he's recognizing that the guy that he's playing against is stealing his trick, which is also using anal beads. Whoever smelt it, Delta. I think Magnus Carlson is the guy with the anal beads that's accusing our maybe our baby goat, our American goat.

I am officially the next Wolverine

I am pumped baby. No, I'm like, you're talking to the next Wolverine. I'm gonna do it. I'll... get those fans, you know, get me the job.

Hasbulla is a bigger living legend than Michael Jordan

One-one is Hasbulla. He's a living legend. He walks in the room, everyone stops. You go to any country in the world and they're like—Hasbulla. He's got international [fame]. Hasbulla objectively is way bigger [than Michael Jordan].

The Masked Singer started the rumor that Tom Brady was a contestant during his training camp absence

I've gone like overly woke on this now. And I think that it's a rumor that was started by the Masked Singer because people are definitely gonna be tuning in trying to figure out is that Tom Brady. It's the one show that you can basically get all the way through the episode being like maybe it is Tom Brady.

Batman and Batgirl are siblings in DC lore and their relationship is incestuous

Batman and Batwoman were depicted as parents and Robin and Batgirl were depicted as their children. But then... Robin and Batgirl are supposed to be siblings and they're fucking, so they're like, oh, they're not gay. They're just incestuous.

Tupac Shakur is definitely alive

[Jake Marsh] has failed to save and believes it's the real Tupac. And if he's just playing the best beats... I know [Tupac] was alive.

The upcoming Drake and Taylor Swift collaboration will be played into the ground all summer

My hot seat is the charts, the radio this summer... Drake posted a picture with Taylor Swift, which means go, I'm going to be a song coming, which means it's going to get, it'll probably be a good song, but it will get murdered into the ground and just played in for it everywhere.

The Will Smith slap of Chris Rock was fake because Will Smith taught a kid how to fake slap a month prior

There's a video out of Will Smith a month ago, teaching a kid how to fake slap. I don't know if you guys see this on TMZ... I'm just saying, you know, it looks like a guy who's been practicing slapping.

Will Smith and Chris Rock will eventually do a Pepsi commercial together to cash in on the slap controversy

My prediction is that there will be a Pepsi commercial this summer. Kendall Jenner gives them both a Pepsi and they crack it open. And yeah, everything's copacetic.

Will Smith is a Scientologist

Will Smith's a crazy person and Jada Pinkett Smith's a crazy person. I'm pretty sure they're Scientologists... if you have to say, I'm not a Scientologist, you're a Scientologist. That's the test right there.

The Will Smith slap at the Oscars was a fake, staged event

When Chris Rock took the slap, he watched Will Smith walk up to him... the whole time Chris Rock has hands behind his back. And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open... honestly, I fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet. And this is one of those ones where I'm just like fake.

Will Smith and Chris Rock will host the next Oscars together

I think that Chris Rock and Will Smith will definitely be hosting next year's Oscars together. I also think that they're probably going to do like a little routine together. At some point they're going to be in a commercial.

Jackass Forever should be nominated for an Oscar for the joy it gives the world

Give Jackass an Oscar. Yeah. There's one of Nobel peace prize. It's ridiculous that those Hollywood phoneys have not given Jackass an Oscar yet. It should at least be nominated because the amount of joy that they've given to the world, it kicks the shit out of every other director.

The upcoming Game of Thrones prequel will be disappointing because it reminds fans of the original show's ending

The end of Game of Thrones sucks. And they're never making more Game of Thrones ever again. So even though if this is good, it's still one of those things where if you watch it, you're like, this is the best series ever. Can't wait to see what happens. That person is going to be disappointed. It's going to bring back feelings of just like sadness.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie. ... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Dog's like knocking on his parents [door]. ... It's over. Dog's on the case. It's done.