Takes

The Lakers might be better without LeBron James based on his plus-minus

LeBron James -2. We're not cherry-picking that, that's an actual stat. Are the Lakers better without LeBron? That's what many are asking. I don't know, if you put in Rondo instead of LeBron, he's a +8, they probably win by a hundred.

Derrick Henry is officially on 2,000-yard watch

Derrick Henry... reached a thousand yards. We're on 2,000 yard watch. He is 1052 yards on the season. We are officially on 2,000 yard watch for Derrick Henry.

I'm rooting for Travis Kelce to propose to Taylor Swift on the jumbotron to watch the internet break

The one thing I am rooting for is I hope Travis Kelce proposes Taylor Swift. That would be awesome on the field after... I root for it because all the swifties would have to do mental gymnastics to be like, that's so cute... I want it like to be on the jumbotron and then Swifties have to be like, that's so beautiful.

Deshaun Watson has officially arrived as a Cleveland Brown

I think I might have to say it, Deshaun Watson has officially arrived as a Cleveland Brown because... [he] drove them down the field for the game winning field goal.

Oregon is currently the best team in the Pac-12 despite their loss to Washington

I do think Oregon, what they did in Utah on Saturday, like that doesn't happen to Utah. They bullied him. Oregon. It's weird because even though they lost to Washington, they look like they're the best team in that conference right now.

Joe Flacco will start Week 1 for the Cleveland Browns over Deshaun Watson and Dylan Gabriel

I think that [Joe] Flacco might start week one. And Flacco is an big underdog to do that too. I think he was like, plus seven 50 last I checked. Yeah. So I, I like the quarterback room.

The Lakers vs. Timberwolves series is going seven games because Adam Silver wants LeBron's numbers

I think that this is gonna go to the distance though... I think that this is an Adam Silver situation. Oh, interest LeBron game seven numbers. If it goes seven, that means that LeBron is still the face of the league.

Travis Hunter will be a receiver in the NFL, not a two-way player

I just don't know what they're gonna do with [Travis Hunter]. I really think he's a receiver. I think he can impact the game and help their quarterback at receiver. I think you're whistling Zippity do do out your butt if you think he's gonna play both ways in the NFL... We really have to be crazy to think a rookie's gonna come in here and do that right away.

Justify's Triple Crown should be vacated because the horse is a cheater

Justify is a cheater. The horse. I hope you're sitting down... Horse racing is not on the up and up. Justify tested positive for using a banned substance... As far as we know, Justify is guilty as sin, and his triple crown win should be, what, vacated? Are we doing that? I would like my money back.

Wisconsin will bounce back from their loss to Oregon because Greg Gard will rip them apart

Best thing that ever happened to Wisconsin was that [loss to Oregon]... they're gonna go back in the lab. Greg Gard is going to rip his team apart over the next couple of days. Wisconsin can still be trusted.

JJ Watt is actually dead and has been replaced by a clone to cover up his social media absence.

I think J.J. Watt's dead... I think when he comes back, that's not J.J. Watt. That's going to be a clone that they've replaced him with. J.J. Watt... could not stay off social media for this long.

The Houston Texans are better off without J.J. Watt

I want their team to go so far in the playoffs that are the Houston Texans better without J.J. Watt takes start to heat up. Because if they win, I'll say if they win two playoff games. Yeah, if they win two playoff games, you're going to get those takes, and I'm here for those.

XFL quarterback Landry Jones will be an NFL or college football broadcaster within a year and a half.

I think that he [Landry Jones] wants to get a gig being an analyst or being in the booth next year. I think that's what he's angling for because he's being like super Pro... you will see Landry Jones in some sort of Booth or behind a desk within the next year and a half.

A real American stays inside on Sunday and watches the Pro Bowl

Hey, you know what it means to be a real American? You stay inside on Sunday and you watch the Pro Bowl. Yeah, you watch the Pro Bowl. You bet on the Pro Bowl. That's what an American does.

The NFL rigged the first six games of the Browns' schedule for Deshaun Watson

Also NFL rigged: the first six games that they have are the easiest schedule in the league. We mentioned that on the schedule release, that the people were saying look at this, they're setting it up.

Adam Schefter will likely leave ESPN in the near future

Schefter... maybe Schefter thinking, you know, I'm going to be leaving ESPN soon. I can start giving a couple back here... Do you think Schefter lets Rappaport break the news that he leaves ESPN?

There is a 94.9% chance Deshaun Watson is traded before the deadline

95 is the kiss of death. I should say 94.9 because I've learned anytime anybody says there's a 95% chance of something happening, it never happens. So 94.9% chance. Miami 75, Carolina 24, 1% some crazy wildcard team.

My 2021 College Football Playoff field is Alabama, Ohio State, Clemson, and Oregon

I am doing the least chalky chalk I can, as far as my official predictions. I've got my playoff being Alabama, Ohio State, Clemson and Oregon.

The Texans defense is actually better without J.J. Watt

But the one silver lining for all you Texans fans out there, we've had rumblings. Texans defense might be better without J.J. Watt. Oh, it definitely is. He's a system D-end.

Contracting toxoplasmosis from cats will make you a fearless 'Berserker' warrior

45% of the population has this parasite called toxoplasmosis that comes from cat feces... it makes mice not fear predators so they just wander on and then the cats eat it... I want to be fearless. The Berserker cult has to contract toxoplasmosis and we'll all just be fearless Berserker warriors... when I contract toxoplasmosis, I will be an absolute fearless warrior and it will be sick.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

Bill Belichick is the only person who can convince Jack Easterby to trade Deshaun Watson

The second that that Russell Wilson put the New York Jets on his hypothetical list... something different is happening... Bill Belichick could exert influence and like do mind control shit on Jack Easterby. And he's probably the only person in the NFL that could convince him to change his mind and deal Deshaun [Watson]... if Bill agreed to finance a megachurch with Jack Easterby's name on it in Houston, Texas... I guarantee you Jack Easterby makes that deal right now.

Helen Keller was not actually deaf and could hear everything

She could hear everything. Yeah. She just couldn't speak or see... [Her parents] are tell some Tell Tales... Great commitment to the bit.

Baker Mayfield is tipping off Adam Schefter with fake news tips to make him look like an idiot

Baker Mayfield... has been tipping off Adam Schefter with fake shit and making him look like an idiot because he knows we got a little rivalry with the P-Man.

Deshaun Watson was more dominant in the NFL than he was in college

Look at what Deshaun Watson did. Deshaun Watson was more dominant at the NFL level than he was at the college level. Nobody expected that.

The Yankees are actually better without Derek Jeter

Kind of strange how the Yankees started winning after [Jeter] retired. Are the Yankees better without Derek Jeter?

Oregon will be back on top of college football in four years when Chip Kelly returns

I'm going to call my shot. I'm going to say Oregon's going to win. If we can do like four years to call who's back, in four years Oregon's going to be back to being back. ... When they get Chip Kelly back, right?

Bears fans watch football to avoid being nagged, so we should call Matt Nagy 'Nagy' (with a soft A)

The debate is, how do we pronounce [Matt Nagy's] last name? It's technically Nagy, but we're going to go with Nagy... we watch football so that we don't get nagged. I mean, if you want to get nagged, there's women for that, right? ... Don't give me 'Nag-y'. Give me 'Nay-gy'.

JJ Watt should sign with Cleveland or Buffalo to achieve legendary status

Cleveland does, you know, we discussed it when he became a free agent. Like, that is the... franchise you can go to that will embrace him... If you're the final piece to bring a Super Bowl to [Cleveland or Buffalo], it's a totally different level than signing with the Titans or with the Packers.

Deshaun Watson does not have it in him to actually sit out games to force a trade

I don't think [Deshaun Watson] has it in him, though. I really don't. I just think he wants to play football.

The Golden State Warriors offense works better without Steph Curry

Now I'm starting to hear reporters out West saying that the, that the Warriors function in like a more smooth offense. Now that Steph Curry's gone...

Arnold Palmer was never actually a good golfer

I don't think Arnold Palmer was ever actually good. Have you seen that guy swing? Swings like my grandpa. I would kill that guy.

Adam Schefter will become the Ultimate Insider covering both NFL and NBA

Adam Schefter could be a candidate to replace Woj... In this scenario, Schefter would cover both the NFL and NBA as what a source called the Ultimate Insider... there's nothing you can do when someone says, Hey, you wanna be the ultimate insider?

Giancarlo Stanton will suffer a massive slump after winning the Home Run Derby

Thoughts and prayers for Giancarlo Stanton's swing. He won the home run derby. So everyone knows here comes the slump. You can't win the home run... sorry, man. You're going to have a really bad second half.

J.J. Watt will catch at least two touchdowns against the Bengals

My prediction is J.J. Watt scores two touchdowns because the Texans have three tight ends that all have concussions. So J.J. Watt's going to catch some balls tonight.

Joe Burrow can win the Super Bowl just two years after winning a National Title

Two years ago [Burrow] won the national title and now he can win the Super Bowl... he might win. It's crazy.

Oregon head coach Dan Lanning is a 'war daddy' who is going to win a national championship

Dan Lanning is a war daddy... he's gonna win a national championship. I know that same [logic], you could say like, Hey, their toughest opponent they lost to Indiana... but I'm just, Dan Lanning is dude that, that guy is a war daddy. He's gonna win a national championship.

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott... Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker.

If the Giants and Dolphins game had better weather, I'd bet the over 48.5

I love the over in this game, just because I don't know if the Giants, the Giants have played really good defenses, by the way... I think it's a bounce back game for the Dolphins.

Deshaun Watson should want to play for the Eagles over the Panthers or Saints

If I'm Deshaun Watson, I don't want to go to the Panthers. Cause Matt Rhule's on the hot seat... I really do like the Eagles as a destination because the division's not the strongest. The conference is weaker than the AFC top to bottom. I think that if I had to pick which team I wanted to play for, I'd say the Eagles.

I am officially quitting golf and never want to look at a club again

I quit golf last week after a strenuous round that I played with Henry... I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this, but you get so bad during a round or so bad at something that you just completely mentally break and you're like, I never wanna look at a golf club again.

The Vikings are a team to watch for trading up to draft a quarterback for the future

Another team that I would keep an eye on... Kirk Cousins' contract is done after this year... if the Vikings are looking for the future and one of these guys starts slipping past 10, past 11, past 12... maybe they move up and they go and make a move and get one of them. I wouldn't be shocked with that.

Zion Williamson will be a Chicago Bull and his appearance in next year's dunk contest in the United Center will be an all-time moment

Zion going next year's dunk contest will be incredible because Zion Williamson, as a Chicago Bull, doing it in the United Center is going to be an all-time moment.

Chip Kelly will be the head coach at Oregon within the next few years

Chip Kelly back to Oregon... yeah, because they're in some turmoil. Lost three games in a row. Silicon Valley to Nike Town... Chip Kelly to Oregon, going back to college. Listen, like Skip [Bayless] and Stephen A. [Smith], they need each other, right? That's when they were both at their most successful. So I think that's definitely going to happen.

Joey Bosa is a better long-term defensive player than TJ Watt

I assume Bosa's going to come back healthy. I would definitely take Bosa [over TJ Watt for the rest of their careers].

PFT Commenter will finally beat Hank in a ping-pong match

Tuesday tuned in, we're going to go dogs at three stool streams. PFT, I think PFT's going to win. I'm hear he's going to win ping-pong against Hank.

Nobody is lining up to learn about Karl Malone — go watch Tiger King or some shit

I don't think there's nobody lining up out there wanting to know about Carl Malone, so why boring with that? Let's watch the Tiger King or some shit like that.

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people?... Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand. And that's why he does the whole like, oh, I have to pee every 10 minutes to make himself seem un-witch-like.

Deshaun Watson will play during the 2021 NFL season.

There was a tweet that said, 'Hey, Deshaun Watson... I was just wondering if you were playing the season, just like this tweet if it's true.' And he liked the tweet. [Big Cat: There we go. Schefter doesn't have that scoop].

Oregon belongs in the SEC based on vibes alone

I honestly think that on vibes alone, Oregon should be in the sec. I feel like that's, that's where they belong as a, as a school. If I'm just like going strictly off five.