Takes

The 2016 World Series eliminated the ability for anyone to make '3-1 lead' jokes at the Golden State Warriors' expense

The true winner was Steph Curry, because any Cleveland person who tries to make fun of the Warriors can get that [the Indians blowing a 3-1 lead] thrown back in their face... it just basically eliminated the joke solely at the Warriors' expense.

NFL ratings are down because of poor game matchups, not boycotts

The numbers on the big games... they're down dramatically. But those have been crap games this year. The matchups are horrible... Tennessee and Jacksonville is not going to do great ratings... people aren't turning off those games. They're not watching the national games. They're not watching the crap games.

The Patriots and Seahawks will meet in a Super Bowl LI rematch

I think you're right about the Patriots. Who are they going to lose to? I'm taking Seattle. rematched of the game two years ago. I think their offensive line eventually gets straightened out.

Aroldis Chapman's ankle will be swollen and he will feel the injury in Game 7

Tomorrow it's going to swell. [Chapman] is going to feel it. He's probably, I don't know, maybe he's got some recovery water... but tomorrow it's going to swell. He's going to feel it.

Jeff Fisher will start Jared Goff in the next three to four weeks to avoid being fired

I'm going to call my shot. Within, I'm going to say, three or four weeks, depending on the record, I think Jeff Fisher is going to make the call. He's going to move Jared Goff up. And at that point, you can't fire a coach when he's developing a quarterback. So that's going to buy him two more years.

The NFL will move to an 18-game regular season within the next five years

There's a chance it will if the NFL makes enough concessions to the union... if there's a way that they can address that issue [player health]... it's going to happen.

The Cubs are in trouble in the World Series because they got shut out in Game 1 and Andrew Miller is a beast

I think you guys are in trouble. I thought if you guys could at least hit, get a couple runs, keep the momentum going of your bats, then even if you lost, you'd be in a good spot. But the fact that you got shut out, it's not good... And the Miller thing, I don't agree with, because I think he could throw every day.

The Memphis Grizzlies will win over their projected win total because Marc Gasol is back and shooting threes

I'm going to stick with the Grizzlies. I'm going to hit their over. Last year, they started something crazy like 60 different starting lineups because of all the injuries they had. They get [Marc] Gasol back. He's going to be shooting threes this year. So they'll finally have one person who can shoot threes.

The Lakers will win over 24.5 games and make the playoffs

I'm going to stick with the L.A. Lakers. Over. I'm going to tease my own show. I got the Lakers in the playoffs this year... Byron Scott out, Kobe Bryant out. Like, Roy Hibbert, out. This team can only go up. That's like 25 wins unto itself.

The Golden State Warriors will stumble in December before turning it on after the All-Star break

I'm on the record. I think they're going to stumble out of the gate. They're going to have a hard December. And then they're going to turn it on after the All-Star break.

The Cubs bats woke up because they started playing 'small ball' like Mike Scioscia

I think that the Cubs won because they finally listened to me and started playing some small ball. It's called foreplay, and Joe Maddon finally figured out you've got to get to first before you get to home plate. And instead of hitting home runs, they finally learned to build a rally with some bunts, some stolen bases. I call it socialism for Mike Scioscia.

The sun is on the Hot Seat because its glare could cause the Bills to lose

Miami Dolphins to beat the Bills this weekend because she [USA Today podcast host's mom] doesn't think that the Bills are going to be able to handle the glare of the Miami sun. It's a fair point. Developing situation. Let's keep an eye on it... The sun is on the hot seat right now, so this could really be it.

Aaron Rodgers has a case of 'the yips' and is turning down open looks for bigger plays

I think it's a case of the yips. And I think you look at things where he's turning down open looks trying to find a bigger play, and then things break down and he rushes outside the pocket, and he used to make big plays doing that, and those big plays have dried up.

The Packers will barely beat the Bears in an ugly, low-scoring game on Thursday Night Football

It's going to be ugly. It's going to be low scoring. I do think the Packers win, but just barely. A lot of punts. John Fox, I feel like he's going to do that thing where he just runs the ball a bunch and punts. It's going to be ugly.

You don't actually have to pay campus parking tickets if you don't plan on graduating from that college

I know one thing about colleges and tickets on cars... You don't have to pay those tickets. It doesn't matter. If you don't plan on graduating from that college, you don't have to pay.

Hillary Clinton is going to jail and Donald Trump is going to be elected president

Trump gets elected president. She's going to jail, by the way. She is.

Most likely Cub to ground into a double play besides Jason Heyward

I would say myself.

Jeff Fisher has at least two games of security before returning to the hot seat

Cool throne, Jeff Fisher. He's got at least two games before he's back on the hot seat.

At least five teams in the league right now could easily win the Super Bowl

I'll name them right now. These are the teams that I think easily could win the Super Bowl this year: New England, Pittsburgh, Denver. Now, Minnesota could win the Super Bowl. Green Bay could win the Super Bowl. Philadelphia could win the Super Bowl. Have you seen their defense play? They've allowed 27 points in three games.

Charlie Strong will lose the Red River Shootout and be fired within a week.

That means he's basically got six days. That means – He's going to lose the Red River shootout and he's going to get fired... This is the worst thing to have your athletic director say. 'We will not fire him this year.' That basically says you're going to get fired in a week.

The ACC is officially back and the SEC is dead

I think the ACC is back, gentlemen. The ACC is back. The SEC is dead and continues to be dead.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

The Vikings have the best defense in the NFL

But seriously, though, the Vikings look awesome. Their defense, I mean, best defense in the league. Probably.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially 'back'

The U is back. Of Miami. Okay. The U is back. They have three huge wins against Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, and Appalachian State. So 3-0 to start the season. I think they're definitely back.

Mississippi State will beat UMass 35-14

I still think Mississippi State gets the W, but I think it'll be closer than the experts think. I'm going 35-14.

Apple purposefully sabotages old iPhones to force consumers to upgrade

Once Apple starts coming out with the new phones, they make the old phones break by playing Beach Boys, doing all these kinds of things. It's brilliant, but it's total disregard for the consumers.

Rex Ryan got his lap band removed because he won more games as a fat guy

Rex Ryan got his lap band out. And he said that it's because he won more football games as a fat guy... This is what happened here was Rob and Rex went out for Buffalo Wings like every single Sunday... he was just sick of puking. He's like, honey, I've been thinking, Rob and I have been talking and I won more games when I was fat.

The 'PMT Bump' gets guests massive contracts

You touch part of my take, you turn into gold. Facts are facts. David DiCastro... Kyle Long... Chris Long... A.J. Hawk. We told him how to get hired... Boom. On a team. Rainmakers. We are rainmakers.

The Lions are better without Calvin Johnson because Matthew Stafford can spread the ball around

Is this the year that Matt Stafford finally makes the leap? I'm going to say yes. Calvin Johnson was holding him back. Better without Calvin Johnson. He can spread the ball around.

The Rams being number three on the depth chart with the first overall pick Jared Goff is a bad sign for everyone

Number three on the depth chart is the first overall pick. That's not good for anybody. And I would say jokingly, back when the Rams picked [Jared] Goff, remember, these are the same people who thought Nick Foles was the answer a year ago. And what was once a joke, I think, is gradually becoming dead serious that maybe they've gotten it wrong two years in a row.

Chuck Pagano and Sean Payton are on the hot seat to start the 2016 season

I got Chuck Pagano... both the Saints and the Colts, they're in win-now mode. And not only that, but Chuck Pagano, he's been healthy for a while. I think you can fire him now, and it's not like, ooh, we just fired the guy who had cancer.

Marvin Lewis and Jason Garrett are on the 'Ice Throne' and will never be fired

Number one, he's actually – we have to come up with a term. Is it just the cold seat? ... The king of the ice throne, Marvin Lewis. He will never be fired. Here's another one, though. Jason Garrett is so lucky to have Tony Romo because every single year he's like, 'could have been good, Tony got hurt. Dang.'

Buying a Pardon My Take shirt makes you a part-owner of Larry the Goldfish

If you buy a Pardon My Take shirt, you are an owner of Larry [the Goldfish] like the Green Bay Packers, except you actually own something, not fake own it.

Wisconsin is the mediocre pushover neighbor of college football

Wisconsin's never back. They're never gone. They're just there. We literally are just like the neighbor who you can be like, hey, can I borrow your lawnmower and just not give it back for three months? And you know he's never going to come ask. It's a total pushover.

Sam Bradford is finally on a team that will put him in a position to succeed

Sam Bradford, for the first time in his career, is going to be surrounded by players and on a team that puts him in a position to succeed. You cannot underrate that. Listen, this is what we do when they trade trash players. You say, well, he's on a good team now. He's got a good defense, so he's going to have to do less.

My top five teams for 2016 are Alabama, Texas A&M, Notre Dame, Michigan, and the winner of Arkansas vs. Ole Miss

The top five in the countdown was Alabama, Texas A&M, Notre Dame, and Michigan... And then I had Arkansas Ole Miss.

Teddy Bridgewater's injury is actually a positive for Vikings fans because it removes the stress of expectations

I mean, right off the bat, it's kind of nice. You don't have to get your hopes up. It's vacation season for Vikings fans. Like, you know, just relax. Take your shoes up. You don't have to stress yourself out during the games. You get to kind of take it easy.

Tim Tebow will be signed to a baseball team by next Wednesday

Tim Tebow update next Tuesday... Tim Tebow will be signed on a baseball team as of next Wednesday.

Robert Griffin III getting his new girlfriend's name tattooed on his arm is a massive mistake

Robert started dating Greta and immediately got her name tattooed on his arm for the whole world to see. This is one of those Jimbo's that Robert doesn't even know... Bobby doesn't even know that he's Jimbo'd yet, but he's Jimbo'd.

Sean McDonough will not disagree with Jon Gruden once in his first six weeks on Monday Night Football

Find me one time that [Sean] McDonough disagrees with [Jon] Gruden in the first six weeks and I'll call you a liar. McDonough is like, he's coming in there looking at Gruden like the cool guy in town. And so he's going to be pulling out all this. He's just going to be agreeing with Gruden nonstop.

Team USA's narrow win over Serbia counts as a 'statement loss'

After the loss against Serbia earlier this week, I know it was a win, but I'm going to call it a loss. I think that counts as a loss. That was a statement lost by us.

No one on the West Coast cares about lacrosse

No one on the West Coast is lacrosse. Play lacrosse, that's about it... They're never going to.

No one on the Patriots actually has Tom Brady's phone number

I've strictly asked that question multiple times, and he [Nate Ebner] said no one on the Patriots has Brady's number, but if you want to get a hold of him, you contact his massage therapist.

The New York Giants will finish the 2016 season 10-6

Giants record for the year... Ten and six.

Drinking a mix of Pedialyte and vodka all night prevents hangovers

If you want to not have a hangover, here's what you do. You take Pedialyte and then you mix it with vodka or rum and then you just drink that all night so you don't get hungover to begin with. That's a pro's move.

We have the 'scoop of the year' for both breaking the Adam Morrison bunker story and then proving it was false

Adam Morrison is like an apocalypse-like guy who has – does he have like gold and cash and he's got a bunker? ... [Big Cat:] And that was the scoop of the year, but we have an extra scoop of the year. [PFT:] Right. He actually doesn't have an apocalypse bunker. So we double scooped. It doesn't matter that the first one wasn't true. We double scooped.

Zack Hample Is A USA-Hating Trespassing Traitor

You a USA hater, trespassing traitor. Meet me in the streets you law violator.

Marlins Man Is Not A Man, A Fan, Or A Veteran

You not a man, a fan or a veteran. So fight me bitch, or let it be.

The Cubs will win the National League and the Blue Jays will win the American League

I like the Cubs still. I do like the Cubs... AL, I like the Blue Jays. I do like the Blue Jays, yeah... they had a little experience. They got some guys in the bullpen, pretty good starting staff, and a lineup's a joke.

I am the reason for the flat-brim hat trend in baseball

I live in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I see all these Little Leaguers wear 8-1-8 hats, so I feel like I'm the reason for that. So, you know, I'm definitely taking silent credit for changing the game, changing the hat-fitted game.