Takes

Titty fucking is 'very good' but not 'Hall of Fame' level

We want to take titty fucking. Yeah. It's very good. ... It's not Hall of fame. Hall of Fame is sex. ... If you're titty fucking in an above ground pool in Canada, you're having a very good time. Yeah.

The Mona Lisa is an ugly, shitty, overhyped painting

We don't understand the hype of the Mona Lisa whatsoever. It's a fucking chick. And she's ugly. I don't get it... It's a fucking painting. It's so dumb. It's so hyped... It's a shitty painting. If you put that up in my house, it'd be like, take it down. She's ugly.

Jesus is the chillest bro of all time because he took a three-day nap

He's just the chillest guy of all time. Turn the other cheek. Try to, you know, bring world peace to the world. Dude, bro. Took a three day nap. How chill is that?

LeBron James is on steroids because of his size and longevity

I will go with LeBron James. I mean, how is he not on steroids? That big. I'm not throwing a flag. That's probably an honorable mention. I mean there's, that's probably an honorable mention.

Peyton Manning's wife is a Mount Rushmore steroid user

Peyton Manning's wife. Yep. That was my fourth bet... Alleged, all alleged... we are not saying Peyton did it. No, no. His wife, his wife, his wife is a steroid guy. His wife was coming back from a very bad neck injury.

Bernie Madoff was weirdly tough for living with the mental burden of his fraud for years

Bernie Madoff. Weirdly tough. Having to live with just the fact that you're a complete fraud and it's gonna be found out one day. Mentally. He's gotta be tough.

Patrick Mahomes is the 'animal' I would most like to be

I would like to be Patrick Mahomes. Humans are animals. Scientifically, they are, they literally are animals. If you could pick any animal to be, Patrick Mahomes would be a pretty fucking sick animal to be.

Titties are a type of meat

Titties is meat. Great choice. ... They're made out of meat. ... Is it the Mount Rushmore meat that you eat? Fact or fiction. ... I enjoy looking at the meat.

Caitlin Clark is officially on the 'can't win the big one' list until she wins a professional title

Caitlin Clark can't win the big one. She has not been able to win the big one. She literally college cannot win the big one and I don't know what else you could say about it. That's gonna get people real mad. Angel Reese can win the big one, she's a better winner.

I am willing a Tom Brady return to the Patriots into existence

If I'm gonna put it on my Florio hat real quick here... I will Tom Brady back to the Patriots. ... Tom Brady has been linked to conversations coming back to New England Patriots this year per us.

The female orgasm is a myth created by 'Big Orgasm'

The female orgasm. Not real. Big orgasm has been lying to you guys. Girls don't come. They just do it because they like to make us feel bad for coming too quick. Exactly... let's be honest, let's get real honest here. That shit's not real.

Shark attacks are not real and people just overreact to minor injuries

I don't think shark attacks are real. I just don't think they're real. I think someone hits their leg on like a coral reef or something. I don't believe them. I do not think they're real. I think someone... you're a bad swimmer. You probably stubbed your toe and then overreacted.

The Wright Brothers are technically responsible for every aviation-related tragedy in history

[The Wright Brothers] are also responsible for 9/11. I mean, it was flying. It started there. ... You're also taking responsibility for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Blow jobs are stressful and awkward

I find them to be—it's a lot of pressure. What am I supposed to say? I just feel like it's really a lot of pressure on me... then I just feel like I'm supposed to be making noises or something while, and I'm not... if I had to sum up blow jobs in one word, I would say stressful.

Titty fucking is only fun to do once

I think guys, if you guys, the one person will agree with me... It is the man. We're doing it. Drum roll: titty fucking. It's simply fun [only] once. That is something that like you're in middle school, you dream about and then you do it and it's like, this isn't that fun. I've literally only done it once 'cause I was like, I don't need to do this shit.

The David Montgomery run against the Packers is the greatest highlight in football history

If we did a Mount Rushmore of legendary runs, that [David Montgomery run] is number one. We'll always have 'the run'. It's number one.

Hasbulla is a bigger living legend than Michael Jordan

One-one is Hasbulla. He's a living legend. He walks in the room, everyone stops. You go to any country in the world and they're like—Hasbulla. He's got international [fame]. Hasbulla objectively is way bigger [than Michael Jordan].

Cold pasta has no carbs or calories

Here's a, here's a little fun fact for everyone as a nutritionist, pasta cold pasta has no carbs. So that's just a fact for everyone out there. No carbs, no calories, cold pasta. You can, whenever you eat cold pasta, the next day you could just eat so much of it.

Being a youth women's gymnastics coach without a daughter on the team should be an automatic jail sentence

If you're like a youth women's gymnastics coach and you don't have a daughter, you should automatically go to jail a hundred percent. Like without doubt, fucked up you have to be to be a gymnastics coach in general.

Not pulling out is an all-time bad idea

Not pulling out. He's saying not pulling out when you were supposed to pull out. [Big Cat: You're against cream pies?] Billy Football, anti-cream pie.

Corn is a fruit and it will win the Mount Rushmore for Team Billy

Corn. Corn is a fruit. Can you guys believe that? An ear of corn is not technically a fruit. Instead, each kernel is a fruit. Exactly... I'm talking to the corn lovers of America. You're gonna vote for Team Billy because of corn... Trust in corn.

The Taco Bell breakfast crunch wrap is so good I want it to choke me out with a dog collar and throw me into a volcano

Breakfast crunch wrap Supreme from Taco Bell. I want it to choke me out with a dog collar on a leather leash. And then I want it to throw me into a real volcano.

Jack Nicklaus' name is actually pronounced 'Jack Naus'

First thing, Jack Nicklaus is pronounced Jack Naus... I think that those clips were the original way they pronounced his name and just over time it's been butchered.

Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman is the most annoying guy in golf for ruining the game

One crown prince Muhammad bin Salman. He's an annoying golf [guy]. He is annoying. He's taken. He's just ruined the game of golf for everybody. Really. He's probably the most annoying golf guy. And if he hears me say this, he probably saw my arms off. Yes.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

There is a good chance the 1980 Soviet hockey team threw the Miracle on Ice game for money

I was thinking what, there's probably a pretty good chance that, that Russian team threw the game. Right? Cause like they were, they were bigger, older, stronger professional hockey players... It wouldn't be above like corrupt Russians to take a shitload of money on the side.

Jerking off is low-key gay

One, one is jerking off so easily. You're literally touching... Constantly touching it... Looking at it. Caressing it... You look forward to it.

A quarterback taking snaps under center is low-key gay

Our next pick is a quarterback under center... Pro-style offense. What does that mean? Putting his hands in you basically. The ass. Tom Brady has a very specific way that he likes his center's ass to be... he makes the center put a specific type of towel like in his ass cheeks.

The Catholic Church is low-key gay

We're going to go with the Catholic church... The drama, the costumes, the pageantry of it all. Super theater. They wear dresses, they're spraying water, there's smokes going on, there's candlelight, singalongs. Pageantry of it all.

Scratching and sniffing your own balls is low-key gay

I'm going to say the scratch and sniff. Scratching your balls. Bringing the nut sack... all that musk and everything. Just cuddle it out. Like you can't get enough of it. It gives kids gay. When you're masturbating, smelling your own bowl, you're getting off on the smell.

I would rather have Alzheimer's than go through the effort of learning a new language

I would rather have Alzheimer's [than] learn a new language. sitting down and trying to learn an entirely new language... fluent in a new language would take so much.

I could probably choke out a teenage polar bear

[Big Cat: Billy, could you choke out a teenage polar bear?] I'd get pretty cut up, but maybe.

The iceberg is the ultimate villain of the Titanic story

I'm going to go with the iceberg in Titanic. All time. Villain killed a lot of people... The iceberg fucking hanging out. It smoked like 4,000 people... The iceberg took a charge, right? The iceberg, the ball's going the other way. Worked didn't fucking move. Iceberg had position. That's a fact.

I could medal in pole vaulting if I trained for four years

I will go with pole vaulting. You just run, stick the stick... All you got to do is run straight and get the timing down. I'm going to be jacked by August.

I could medal in Olympic ski jumping by just going 'full send' once

I'm going to go with ski jumping. I'll just bomb it once and just go full send... and just land and crash and I'll have the longest one. ... I can stand perfectly still for about 10 seconds while I'm going downhill... and then you just do like one of those little springs at the last second.

Dolphins would be a delicious meal if you harpooned them the old-fashioned way

We're going with a dish that the Japanese do really well: dolphins. [I'd kill it the] old fashioned way, harpoon, just choke it out. Just bring them into a Cove and slaughter them all. That's the old fashioned way is just stabbing a dolphin with a harpoon.

Roger Goodell effectively 'starved children' by refusing a $250,000 charitable donation from Marlins Man

Never forget that Roger Goodell elected to starve children instead of accepting money from Marlins Man... That Goodell is not accepting for children.

Animals likely understand everything we say but are collectively choosing to ignore us

What if all the animals actually understood what we were saying but just just ignoring us... like the minute they figure out that we know shit's gonna get crazy and they can't talk back.

Hitler's dog, Blondi, was a bad dog because dogs take on the personality of their owners.

I'm gonna go on a limb and say that Hitler's dog blondi is bad because dogs they take on the personality of their owners. You know that. ... I'm going to go on a limb and say that Hitler's dog blondi is bad.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

Jesus is the greatest comeback ever because he got crossed up and came back three days later

My first one is going to be Jesus... Jesus got crossed up, came back three days later. Pretty impressive. Saved all of humanity. So a little disrespectful on your guys' account, not picking Jesus, number one.

Social media influencers with over 100,000 followers should be legally immune

I think that if you get over 100,000 followers on social media, you should be above the law. You should be allowed to break any law. Laws don't apply to you if you're an influencer.

LeBron James playing all 82 games at age 33 is highly suspicious

LeBron James, 33 years old, 15 years in the league, played all 82 games. Seems like his durability's going up at 33. Most athletes, their durability goes down. [Implying HGH use].

Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead are overrated

I'm just going to say it out loud. Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead, a little overrated.

LeBron James is addicted to HGH

The 30 for 30 on LeBron leading his team through subtweets and an addiction to HGH... I think he's proof positive of that.

Masturbation makes you gay

This is a life advice that I've gotten. I don't know if it's true. Okay. But I was once told that masturbation makes you gay.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Stephen Hawking has been dead for years and his public persona is an AI government puppet

Stephen Hawking died a long time ago, but the government has kept up the illusion that he's alive in order to get their space propaganda out there to the nerd community. He's literally dead, and it's artificial intelligence that's talking.

We cannot trust the theory of gravity because Isaac Newton was a virgin

The fact that we're trusting gravity with a guy who never had sex seems a little suspicious. Doesn't know how woman on top feels.

Mitchell Trubisky will win at least five Super Bowls

Kian, tell me, as a Bears fan, that Mitch Trubisky is going to be a franchise quarterback and probably win no less than five Super Bowls.