Takes

It is impossible for a human to tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket

You can't tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket... It's like a horse laying down for longer than two minutes. You're going to die.

The Yellowstone supervolcano is 100,000 years overdue for an eruption that will end the world

The Yellowstone Super Volcano... we are way overdue for an eruption. We're 100,000 years past due for it. So, you know, live like there's no tomorrow because it probably isn't.

No one on the Patriots actually has Tom Brady's phone number

I've strictly asked that question multiple times, and he [Nate Ebner] said no one on the Patriots has Brady's number, but if you want to get a hold of him, you contact his massage therapist.

Getting shot in the arm feels like being hit by a golf ball at close range

It doesn't feel hot at all. It feels like you're standing in a tee box and somebody just lines up a golf ball and smokes, checks the shit out of you with the golf ball.

The NFL conspiracy to take down Tom Brady is a proven fact

Do you think that they unfairly accused [Brady] of something and it's a conspiracy just to sit down the face of the NFL? ... Yes, that's actually a proven fact. ... Yeah, they just don't like the Patriots. Too much winning.

If Giancarlo Stanton's home run derby balls were people's heads, he'd be arrested for mass murder

If all those balls that Giancarlo Stanton had been hitting in the home run derby were actually people's heads, he would be arrested for murder. Mass murder. He'd basically be worse than Jeffrey Dahmer.

Wearing hats and helmets causes baldness because hair needs sun and rain to grow

If you're wearing a hat, it's like you can't grow plants indoors, right? So therefore, if you go your whole life wearing hats and helmets, I can see how like your hair doesn't get enough sun and rain, and so it would not grow as well later on.

Intellectual activity can cause baldness

Intellectual activity can cause baldness. ... Most professors have glasses and they're bald.

Brett Favre's durability was due to an 'inconclusive' John Thomas sign

If you think back to some of the great quarterbacks, Brett Favre was probably—his John Thomas sign was probably always inconclusive, right? Because he had such little win. That's why he never missed a game because the doctors, they couldn't pinpoint any of his injuries because he didn't have any shadows pointing anywhere.

We have the 'scoop of the year' for both breaking the Adam Morrison bunker story and then proving it was false

Adam Morrison is like an apocalypse-like guy who has – does he have like gold and cash and he's got a bunker? ... [Big Cat:] And that was the scoop of the year, but we have an extra scoop of the year. [PFT:] Right. He actually doesn't have an apocalypse bunker. So we double scooped. It doesn't matter that the first one wasn't true. We double scooped.

Marlins Man Is A Job Creator With 100 Racehorses

I employ 40 people, job creator, got 100 racehorses deal with that you haters.

I am the reason for the flat-brim hat trend in baseball

I live in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I see all these Little Leaguers wear 8-1-8 hats, so I feel like I'm the reason for that. So, you know, I'm definitely taking silent credit for changing the game, changing the hat-fitted game.

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

iTunes doesn't exist in Canada

I don't even know if that counts for the iTunes rankings. I don't think they have iTunes in Canada, so we don't actually appreciate them, but we'll just say we appreciate them.

Zack Hample is a 100% liar regarding how he obtained his Fort Bragg ticket

I decided to tell the truth and call out the liar and his friends and his family. ... [Zack Hample] is [a liar] absolutely, positively, 100%. And I've given him an opportunity to come clean, and like say, I'm sorry, you know, I made a mistake... He needs to say it because in about a couple of hours, he's going to be proven to be a 100% liar.

Marlins Man was only complaining about not getting into the Fort Bragg game, not skipping it out of respect

I asked him, the first thing I asked him before the game was, hey, are you going to Fort Bragg? He said nothing about respecting the military. All he did was complain about how he couldn't get in and how he does so much to promote Sunday night baseball and Major League Baseball. But MLB and the Marlins are being mean and they won't let him in. ... So for him to now suddenly be bashing me for going is just quite frankly bizarre.

The only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war is obesity

What's the only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war? Nobody. It's obesity. We lost that one. Just like we have lost the war on obesity.

I can chug a gallon of milk and run a mile in 10 minutes

[PFT asks if he could do the milk mile] Yeah, I could do that. I wouldn't run that quickly, but I'd probably finish right about 10 minutes.

Harambe the gorilla had no intentions of hurting the child in the enclosure

He wasn't going to hurt the child. Exactly. He had no intentions of hurting the child at all... He was playing with the child. He was helping the child out of the moat. Exactly. His intentions were not to hurt the child. That I can feel clear.

Muhammad Ali would never have died if he were a female soccer player

Medically they gave it the name Parkinson's... but actually it was not something, I believe that if he was not a fighter, he would never have died because of that. [If he were a woman soccer player] it would have been safer... and he would have had fewer blows to the head.

I officially made it in life because Darren Rovell included my tweet in a headline round-up

Guys, I made it. I officially made it in life. I made it on Darren Rovell's headline tweets... Miracle on Iceland. Come on. Just tell me. That's pretty good. I mean, I'm there. You guys are now in the presence of greatness.

I can probably still dunk on a 10-foot goal

[Can you still dunk?] You mean on a 10-foot goal? Yes. Probably not... Yeah, I mean, yeah I could. I could.

It is a myth that no two snowflakes are the same

It's actually not true that no two snowflakes are the same. Did you guys know that? I did not know that... But in 1988, a scientist found two identical snow crystals that came from the same storm in Wisconsin.

Snow can be used to put out fires because it is technically water

I mean, I feel like scientifically it's got to [put out a fire], right? Because it's technically water. I read the first paragraph. And it said form of water, so I figured it took some pretty deep thinking.

Igloos can be over 100 degrees warmer on the inside than the outside

Igloos can be more than 100 degrees warmer inside than outside. Wow. That is impressive. That's just a wow moment that you need to let sink in for a second.

I am a negative John Thomas sign candidate

I just want you guys to know that I'm actually a negative John Thomas sign candidate... [PFT: So your penis points away from your injuries.] That's correct.

Forty percent of women experience male pattern baldness

Hey, but also, small spoiler, 40% of women experience it... male pattern baldness.

Derrick Rose can't dunk anymore

Derek Rose doesn't dunk. He can't dunk anymore. He dunked once last year, and it wasn't even a dunk. He, like, lightly put it over the rim.

Shaquille O'Neal used to walk around the Miami Heat locker room fully naked all the time

When he gets out the shower and stuff, everybody else is putting towels on and wrapping up. [Shaq] will come out just naked. Yeah, that's Shaq for you. I've seen him come in the locker room several times and do it.

I could still shoot 40% from three-point range today despite not playing for 18 months

I haven't touched the ball in 18 months. So, maybe 40. I'm not even giving myself 50%. Maybe 40%. I mean, I ain't touched the ball in 18 months. You know, I mean, it's going to take me a while to get back in routine.

I drank a beer during the first inning of every playoff game I called to remind myself it's just a game

I got into the habit of having one of the runners go down and get me one of the mega beers from a concession stand. And I'd sip the beer during the first inning. And it wasn't to get drunk, obviously... it was to remind myself that I was at a frigging sporting event and nobody's hanging on every word... I just drank a beer in the first inning of every game of the playoffs.

Troy Aikman and I were comfortable enough to fart around each other in the booth right out of the gate

At what point in your relationship did you guys get comfortable enough to fart around each other in the booth? [Buck]: Pretty much right out of the gate... Troy's that guy. And he's a guy's guy. And I remember one, the first time it happened, he said something like, 'I'm bringing some heat.' And I was like, 'What?' And he goes, 'Just don't worry about it.' And then we came back from commercial and I knew what he was talking about.

Maria Sharapova being caught for PEDs proves Serena Williams is using them too

My witch hunt is actually going to be, I think that this proves without a doubt that Serena Williams has been using PEDs. Because Sharapova is 2-19 against Serena Williams while Sharapova was taking PED.

I am officially unretiring for a $10 million starting spot

Retired. Done. [Big Cat: $10 million?] Yeah, for sure.

I wanted to jump over a convertible for the Dunk Contest but Kia made me use an Optima hood

I wanted to jump over a convertible... But I wasn't allowed to. It had to be a Kia Optima... there's no way I was going to make it over the entire thing, over Baron Davis in the sunroof, so I opted for the hood, and then everyone was pissed that I jumped over the hood.

DeAndre Jordan makes at least 60% of his free throws in practice

Honestly, he goes over and shoots on the side after we're done and everybody else is shooting. He probably shoots at least 60% in practice, maybe more.

The 1996 Bulls are the best team of all time because they hold the record for combined regular and postseason wins

If you add up the regular season and the postseason record, the Bulls already have the title for best team of all time. This chicken is fucked. Put to bed. Tucked in.

NHL superstars like Sidney Crosby get better treatment from refs and can bully linesmen into letting them cheat on face-offs

Typically superstars do get a better treatment just because they can bully linesmen a lot more than say no namers... Whereas if Joe Thornton's like, 'Hey, drop the fucking puck when I want it,' he'll be like... 'Hey Michael [Jordan], I didn't see it, but I'm going to call it now.' It's very similar to that.

The giant alligator on the Florida golf course is fake

I think this is a Kimmel stunt or it's a viral thing for the owners of the golf course. There's no way that thing's real. The alligator was like – its back was about four and a half feet off the ground and it walked like it was two human beings... I think they're trying to play a next level one on us. And 99% sure that alligator is definitely fake.

The 2003 Fiesta Bowl was won by a bad call in regulation, not the controversial pass interference in overtime

Go back to the film and look at the end of regulation when they said Chris Gamble didn't stay in bounds or whatever. The game should have ended in regulation. So the real bad call was that one... I think if you look at it [the PI call], the guy was mugged.

Football is safer than riding a bike or cheerleading in terms of concussions

I would definitely let my son play football. I wouldn't let him ride a bike or you know the other things that cause more concussions than football does. I think where is football ranked? Eighth among sports and in per capita concussions? I just read that Georgia Bulldogs cheerleaders get more concussions.

My go-to late-night coaching meal is two Double Quarter Pounders with extra cheese and jalapenos

I always got two [Double Quarter Pounders] with extra cheese and jalapenos, but I do that on my own ticket.

Viagra creates 'robotic' boners that feel like a lead pipe in your pants

I've heard they're robotic boners. I hear you have a lead pipe in your pants. I'm curious to see if it's something that happens.

Every single person in the state of Indiana takes Carb Day off to drink all day

Friday is Carb Day, which... they described to me. They said every single person in the state of Indiana takes a day off and comes and drinks all day.

Canadians actually hate Sidney Crosby

Canadians hate Sidney Crosby. That's actually a fact... Everyone hates Sidney Crosby. It was just decided upon, and that's how it is. He doesn't have a man card.

People forget that Steven Adams is only 22 years old

People forget that Steven Adams is 22 years old. It's unbelievable because he looks like he's 37. It's crazy.

People forget Kyrie Irving was born in Australia

People forget Kyrie Irving was born in Australia. So not a lot of people remember that.

The only difference between a mixtape and an album is price

[Mixtapes are] for free. Albums you have to technically pay for. You can still find it for free, but technically it costs money. Mixtapes are just for free. Musically... there's really not much of a difference.

Kevin Love is the best player of all time because he is 12-0 in the playoffs

People forget that Kevin Love is undefeated in the NBA playoffs... He's undefeated. 12-0. The Cavs literally never lost with Kevin Love. Kevin Love has literally never lost in the playoffs. He's maybe the best player of all time.

Michael Jordan doesn't actually get paid for the Crying Jordan meme

Black Twitter bullied ja rule off of twitter and and this was because ja rule said that michael jordan gets paid a dollar for every time the crime jordan face is tweeted yes yeah which if we are ranking ja rules tweets it actually wasn't the top tweet he's ever had... This guy thinks he just cracked the lotto and Michael Jordan makes a dollar off every picture on the internet.