Takes

I bought a Tesla to quit dipping, but I just ended up going to the gas station to buy dip anyway

The plan was to buy a Tesla so that I could quit dipping because then I wouldn't have to go to the gas station anymore. So now I just go to the gas station just to buy dip.

I officially admit that it was my 'dip spit' in the Mountain Dew bottle

Who's dip spit do you really think it was? Seriously, like, all shtick aside. You know it wasn't mine, right? I mean, the fact that you wanted it is, like, crazy. No, of course I am. Of course it was mine. Who else would it be?

The next luxury status symbol will be phone-free experiences

The new luxury experience is going to be, oh, you go to this camp and there's no phones.

The 7th PLL expansion team will be named the Waterdogs

The Waterdogs are going to be the name. I'm excited for it... Go Waterdogs.

All dogs die

All dogs die. ... It's a hard pill to swallow. ... The human death is, yes, it's obviously worse, but you don't deal with it in the amount that, like, if you live to 80, you're going to have probably eight dogs, nine dogs.

Age 25 is the peak for physical strength in the human body

I'll go with 25. Peak strength. That is the human body's at your peak strength. [...] It's scientific fact. When you're 24 or 25, that's why BYU always wins games. [...] 25 is your peak strength.

Feral hogs are a legitimate national problem that needs to be addressed

Someone brought up a very actually the the like the most fair point that's ever been brought up he was like what about the 30 to 50 feral hogs that run in my backyard and terrorize my children... apparently they're a real problem they just run and just they will kill you they're mad they're insane so we need to do something about the feral hogs.

I use Microsoft Excel for everything, including writing poems and drawing pictures

I do everything in Excel. Everything in Excel. I draw pictures in Excel. Excel is the first thing I learned, and I've stayed with it. I'm a disciple of Excel... You can format the cell and do three to four lines or six. They can overlap. It's a very versatile piece of software.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

You don't break habits, you only replace them with new behaviors

People think you break habits. You don't break habits. What you do is replace one behavior with a different behavior.

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

Cam Newton needs to offer $50,000 for a first-class seat upgrade, not $1,500

Cam Newton offering $1,500 cash to someone sitting in first class on a flight to France. No one ever would do that deal. You have to offer twenty thousand dollars, thirty thousand dollars. Cam Newton is going to make $140 million currently. He has to offer $50,000.

Cursive is an overrated and useless skill

Cursive is overrated. All of our eight-year-old listeners, cursive is [fucking]... You'll never need it again.

When you turn 30, you will realize you were an idiot in your 20s

The safest bet in the world is that when you turn 30, you're going to go – Can't believe I thought the way I did about everything. It's not like your political beliefs change or your morals change. It's just... another third of life experience makes you realize like all the shit that I thought was so important [isn't].

You are basically the same person from age 50 to 60

When you're 60, you don't look at a picture of yourself when you're 50 and you're like, oh, I was such a shithead. You're basically the same person at that point.

Happiness must come from within rather than your paycheck

Your happiness has to come from within because if you do start comparing your success and your happiness to paychecks and you're like, I'm making less than my friend. He must be happier than me. That's not accurate. You could be happier making less.

Always wear a seatbelt, even if you are only driving two blocks

Just always wear a seatbelt. No matter how far you're going... I got T-boned one time, and I was maybe two blocks from my house, and I was wearing a seatbelt, and if I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, head, boom, side windshield, boom.

Never skimp on items between you and the ground

I also subscribe to the theory of not skimping on things... That are in between you and the ground. So like tires and shoes and mattresses. And anything that separates you from the ground, don't be afraid to spend a little more on it.

Opioids are far more addictive and dangerous than marijuana

For everyone out there, opioids are way, way more addictive and bad for you than marijuana.

I bought a $160,000 Tesla so I would be forced to quit dipping

So the plan was to buy a Tesla so that I could quit dipping because then I wouldn't have to go to the gas station anymore. So now I just go to the gas station just to buy dip.

I was definitely willing to break the arm of the man trying to steal my car

Were you willing to break his arm? Because that's a true armbar. Oh, yeah. I was definitely willing to break his arm. Yeah, but he basically was like, stop and cry. He basically verbally tapped. Yeah, he verbally tapped, but that didn't stop me.

Laughter is older than language by a million years

I did a documentary for the BBC... about laughter. Laughter predates language by about a million years. It's a totally different part of the throat that we use to laugh. Laughter was essentially remote grooming.

The subway system in New York contains significant amounts of human skin in the air

The subway has skin. You're breathing skin in the subway. ... A study reveals that in addition to dirt and other organic matter, 15% of the material analyzed was human skin.

I will likely lose weight when I retire because I only eat this much to maintain my size

I think I'll lose weight [when I retire]... because I don't necessarily love eating as much as I do. I know I have to. So it's much more now of just eating to keep the weight on and keep the muscle on. But when I'm done, I'll probably eat three regular meals a day and not get crazy with it.

I was legally arrested at Super Bowl Opening Night

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, the definition of arrest is to take or keep in custody by authority of law. Boom. I was arrested.

The ground is flat but the earth is round

Ground is flat, but the earth is round.

If attacked by a black bear, you should defend yourself and hope it stops biting you

If an attack is imminent and it's a big bear, a black bear, you're going to defend yourself. ... I would defend myself and hope it would stop biting me. ... I just don't want him to eat me.

If you rebranded Fyre Fest and put it back out there in two years, I would buy tickets again

I think you could just basically take all the marketing material from Fyre Fest and in two or three years rebrand it and put it back out there and people would buy again. I would. I want to go right now. I don't think there's any question.

I am officially down 10 pounds in the 'Year of the Core'.

I actually am down 10 pounds. I'm still about 10 pounds away from anyone being like, 'hey, you actually look good' because I was that overweight. But I am down 10 pounds. So what up now, haters?

I will keep making the pinky bet until I actually lose the tip of my pinky

I'm addicted to it, and next year I'm going to pick a team to cut my pinky off if they win the Super Bowl. ... I will not stop this bet until I cut off the tip of my pinky.

The Ollie is the foundation of every skateboarding trick

Ollie's the foundation of every skateboarding trick. So if you're going to start skating and you're going to take it seriously, you've got to learn how to Ollie.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

Chinese food lacks cheese because of lactose sensitivity in Asia

I actually know the answer to this. Because Asian people, by and large, are more sensitive to lactose. So when they first opened up ice cream shops and stuff like that over in China, most people got sick and went out of business.

Football season is a legitimate legal excuse to postpone jury duty

[The jury duty official] asked me, he's like, so what's your excuse? I was like, well, it's football season and I got a lot of travel and football season. And he's like, okay... so come back after the Super Bowl. Shout out to that guy for taking 'it's football season' as a legitimate excuse for not wanting to be on jury.

I will likely never free solo at a high level again for the rest of my life

I don't know if I'll always be free-soloing at a high level. In fact, I mean, I doubt I'll be free-soloing at a high level my whole life... if I went the rest of my life without free soloing anything else at a high level, I'm sure I could still lead a happy life.

Adderall is a massive problem and a PED for modern professional poker players

Is there a ped problem in poker are guys taking adderall? Yes, huge problem. No, actually there are guys who have done that. I think Adderall is something that some players are dependent on for short periods of time it works but then they become so dependent when one stops working what they end up just becoming is what we call drug addicts.

It is possible for an elite athlete to gain muscle on a vegan diet

There you go, Colin Kaepernick. There's proof that an elite athlete who's also a vegan can put on weight and muscle. Oh, yeah. Plenty of them.

Loneliness has the same effect on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day

Loneliness has the same effect on [mortality] as smoking 15 cigarettes a day... so if you're lonely, just smoke a bunch of cigarettes and you'll actually be healthier [because you'll make friends].

You could walk onto an Amtrak train with a bomb and no one would stop you

I hate to say this because I imagine some people are going to hear this... You could walk onto this train with a bomb... I'm talking about a sign that says, I have a bomb, and nobody would ask any questions.

Bike sharing programs are an eyesore and will block sidewalks

In my town, you're done with it, you leave it. Doesn't matter where... Just throw it on the side of the road... You can't even walk on the sidewalk... You will eventually have to jump over these.

NFL players miss out on all the fun parts of the fall because of the schedule

All the cool shit happens on a fall Saturday night. All my buddies hit me up and I get the worst FOMO sitting in the hotel... I could have been having a drink with Kenny Powers [Danny McBride] and I'm in a hotel [in Buffalo].

I will never race Darren Rovell in a marathon

Darren Rovell has challenged me to a marathon. It is the dumbest challenge ever... You could triple dog, quadruple dog, infinity dog dare me to run a marathon, and I'll just sit there and be like, no, because it looks awful.

My favorite color is gray — all different shades of gray

[Speaker 2] (46:32) Gray. [Speaker 2] (46:46-46:48) Yeah, gray. All different shades of gray.

Baggy clothes will eventually come back into fashion

Everything is going to come full circle. The baggy clothes... I still have my Coogee sweaters. And they're starting to slowly come back. It's going to all come back, bro.

Getting an honorary doctorate makes JJ Watt think he's an actual medical doctor

JJ Watt thinks that getting an honorary doctorate makes him an MD. He's actually a doctor now... He literally thinks that he can go and operate on someone. When he's next on a plane and someone has a stroke or a heart attack, 'Is there a doctor on this plane?' JJ's like, 'Yes, that's me.'

Wisconsin cities are the Mount Rushmore of drunks

USA Today ranked the top 10 drunkest cities in America... seven [were from Wisconsin]. Green Bay is number one, Eau Claire, Appleton, Madison. They have all four of the top four. They are the Mount Rushmore of drunks.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

If you want bigger arms, you should focus on your triceps instead of your biceps

If you want bigger arms first, I would focus on triceps because they're a bigger, meatier muscle. And you probably will do, like, more pressing movement, so you'll get bigger everything kind of.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.