Takes

PFT Commenter is done dunking forever - retiring from attempting to dunk

My fire fest. I don't think I'm gonna dunk again. I think I'm gonna have to learn how to play below the rim. So I'm calling it quits on attempting to dunk anymore in my future.

I will buy Big Cat and PFT a boat if I sign another NFL contract

I would say any amount of money, I think hopefully... Hopefully another contract one day and, and we'll make it happen... any amount of money, I think hopefully.

My ceiling as a golfer might be higher as a lefty

I might be more... I can maybe my my ceiling is higher. Potentially left-handed more good at golf. My ceiling is higher. Damn. We'll see.

A 'hot blob' and an 'earth tilt' will make the Chicago winter catastrophic and uninhabitable

Apocalyptic winter might be upon us. Why? I think it's inhabitable winter. We might just have to go out of country... High pressure, massive ocean heat wave up in North Pacific. The blob... They're saying 2013-2014 had nothing on this blob.

I can pass the bar exam without going to law school if I study for four months

I have irrational confidence in myself to be able to pass the bar exam. It doesn't make any sense. I just think that if I, if I tried for like four months... I think I can, I can be a lawyer.

The Chicago area will get three inches of snow that will be gone by Wednesday morning

I'll predict right now... I think we're gonna get three inches and it's gonna be gone by Wednesday morning.

I am going to read Don Quixote cover to cover

I ordered it, I I'm gonna give it a shot... If I read the entire book cover to cover every single word, I will wipe the debt. Okay... I'm fucking, I'm I'm gonna be done with it by the time the punishment comes around.

I am a better rock skipper than both Big Cat and PFT Commenter

I think I'm better than PFT... I didn't say guaranteed, but I think I am [better than both]. I don't know. I just think I'm, I think I'm a good, I'm, I have a lot of experience skipping rocks.

I'm eventually going to lose the tip of my pinky on a bet

I'm probably gonna lose a pinky. Eventually. I'm gonna lose a pinky. We're gonna do this show for the next 40 years. I'm gonna do this bet every year for some year. I'm gonna lose the pinky.

I will beat Hank in an 18-hole match play golf game for $5,000

I am now very excited about beating you [Hank] at golf and taking the thing that you love the most in this whole world away from you.

I will bear-hug and kiss my dad on the lips on the Hall of Fame stage

I will on the stage, man. I'll hold him down. It's five years after you play so he probably won't have enough strength. I will bear hug him and I would kiss him on the lips. A big wet kiss.

Joey Chestnut would beat Usain Bolt in a mile race if they both had to eat a hot dog first

Usain Bolt has literally never run a mile in his entire life... I think it switches at a mile. I think Joey Chestnut beats him.

I can eat two gallons of soft-serve ice cream in eight minutes

I'm thinking close to, close to two gallons worth. It'd be, it'd be like, so I did an ice cream contest and after the contest I was like shivering because I was so, like, it was like everything was cold. So I, I think close to two gallons would be in, in about eight minutes.

Joey Chestnut will set a new world record at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest this year

He released a statement yesterday saying that it was, he never lost his love for the dogs. He just entered into a partnership with a plant-based company last year... he's gonna smoke 'em. I wanna see an all time record... he is top dog.

Apple is going to force brain chips on everyone and we'll have no choice but to accept them

I don't want it, but it's coming. It's gonna happen and I'm gonna have to get it... So it's chip or be left behind. Correct. No choice. We just have to chip.

I am going to hire a dietician to help prevent future kidney stones

I think this one, I'll say this, I think I'm gonna start making some lifestyle changes. I'm thinking... I think I'm gonna to get a dietician. I understand. But I need someone to tell me what to do. I am not going to do that on my own volition. I need someone to basically be like, here's what you can and cannot eat.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

I am officially going to learn how to dunk a basketball

I have a announcement for you guys. Ready for this? I think I'm gonna dunk. I think I'm gonna dunk. I've never dunked, but I think I'm gonna train in dunk.

Wooly Mammoths will be cloned and brought back from extinction

My who's back of the week is Wooly Mammoths... There's a company called Colossal Biosciences and they just raised $200 million... to bring back and clone wooly mammoths... Willie Mammoths might be back soon.

I will read one entire book in 2025

I'm also gonna read a book. I haven't read a book in a decade. I'm gonna read a book... read with my two eyes. It might take me the entire year. I'm going to fucking do it. I feel it.

I still believe I can dunk a basketball by January 1st.

I still think I can do it. I need to lose some weight... I still need like five inches. I'm 180 pounds. I was like 171 pounds in July. So I need to lose some weight basically.

I will not drink alcohol until Thanksgiving to train for my dunk attempt

I'm going. I'm not drinking till Thanksgiving... I'm training every day. It's not something I've like forgot about. Overdrive.

I still plan to dunk and the steroid decision is coming in the next two weeks

I'm still going gung ho. I still plan to dunk. I'm still training as if I'm going to dunk... the steroid decision is coming in the next two weeks.

The Tasmanian Tiger is likely not extinct and lives in Papua New Guinea

The one that sits on the top reign supreme is an animal called a Thylacine. Tasmanian tiger... it managed to get a pilot and get picked up and turned into a series... because it used to range like 4,000 years ago... there are still ongoing reports from tribes and villages of striped dogs and all these things in Papua New Guinea. That's the area that I think needs the biggest exposure.

My plan is still to coach football and then die

All you cared about was, I wanna play football for as long as I can play football, then coach football, then die. Has there been any change in that? [Harbaugh:] No. Still on track. Still on track. God willing and the, and the creek don't rises. You know, we're, we're on track. That's it.

I'll bet my life that Hank will dunk

I believe Henry Lockwood is going to dunk. No, I actually 100% believe you're gonna dunk. Because you've been working out a lot. You've been training a lot.

We are definitely going to kill Hank in the next Dungeons and Dragons episode

But I, it was good team building and we're definitely gonna kill him in the the follow up episode. 100%.

I can chug a beer faster than Taylor Lewan

I can chug faster than Taylor... [Lewan] put it down in like 3.8 seconds... the boot? ... I can't [do] that. One beer. [But] I beat Dana Beers too.

I am officially retired from drinking games

I retired from drinking games. I put out a press release... I'm just washed, dude. I'm so washed... I retired from drinking games. What led to the retirement? I'm just washed, dude... you're never supposed to retire right after the season... I left myself open to unretire, but I'm retired as of right now.

Vanny Woodhead's repair is a Spring 2025 project

I think you think that Vanny needs like new tires? No, you're thinking like you want Xzibit to walk in. We also need a new engine. Vanny needs new wiring. Vanny needs literally everything. It doesn't work. No, this is is Spring 25 project. One year from now. Vanny Woodhead is gonna be rocking.

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.

My second son will have to play quarterback because he is too natural of a thrower

My second son for sure is going to have to play quarterback. I think he, he's just too natural a thrower. So I'm, oh man, that's great. Another line of Flacco would be awesome.

The world is heading toward the AI future depicted in the Terminator movies

As we went on with time, decade after decade, all of a sudden I realized, oh my God, we are actually going in that direction. And what Jim Cameron wrote about is going to happen, you know, that the machines are now so sophisticated, so far ahead of human way of thinking that they are so far ahead.

I will be in the best shape of my life when I turn 40

I have the double whammy of our birthday month is coming up and it's our last birthday in our thirties. And I am trying to tell myself that when I turn 40, I have to turn 40 in good shape in the best shape of my life... I'm going to put in a very concerted effort starting on Tuesday.

Jerry Jones only made a hologram of himself because he is about to die

I also feel I, you know, I'm not like a huge Jerry Jones fan, but good for him because I think Jerry Jones is about to die. ... In at and t stadium, Jerry Jones unveiled a hologram Jerry Jones that's interactive. ... AI hologram. You don't make that unless you're about to die.

I don't want to start a family because aliens will likely kill us all within five years

I like thinking that aliens are real because then it really is like there's no reason to do anything. 'cause like within five years, like the aliens are gonna just come up and fuck us off. ... Like starting a family. It's like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna have kids like aliens are gonna come and kill 'em all. Yeah. Like, I don't, like I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna keep doing my thing.

Orcas will be a major problem for humans in the future

Orcas have been attacking boats off the coast of Spain recently and been training other orcas to do it too. There's gonna be an orca human problem for the future.

I will get 10 cats if the Chicago Bears win a Super Bowl

I'll get 10 cats if the Bears win a Super Bowl. Love it. There we go. Well under your guys' watch, you guys can bring us there.

I will die at 77 in a shocking accident like a shark attack or saving kids

If I can make it to 77, I think I'll make it to 77 clean. And I think I'm gonna go like from like a shark attack or something really... I want to get like attacked by an animal or like a plane crash would be nice... I want my death to be shocking... Saving some kids. That's what I want. Hero. That's how I wanna die.

My 83-year-old father can bench press 225 pounds

Poolside [Mark's dad] is still 83 years old. I betcha he could get a couple reps with 225. 83 years old, 225... The dude is like, he'll send a picture... he's on top of a ladder on the front end loader at 83 years old, fixing a light bulb.

Lion's Mane mushroom is a daily regimen everyone should use for brain health

Lions Mane is great for your brain for neuronal growth basically for all neurons in your body. Lions Mane is one that we're gonna have a lot of research done here soon that's gonna show that it's a something that everybody should have in their daily regimen.

I can reach 90 hot dogs in 10 minutes if someone pushes me

The best way for me to get to 90 hot dogs would be somebody else eating 88... that's how you make some gains... the most I've ever eaten in in 10 minute practice is 82.

I will continue winning the Hot Dog Eating Contest until at least age 45

As long as I'm healthy, you can count me in at 40, 45 sounds would be awesome.

A 120-foot wave is the upper limit for what can be surfed.

I think 120 [feet] would do it... I'm really interested and excited and can't wait... I don't know what it does once it gets that big and breaks further out.

The first person to live to 200 years old has already been born

They think the first person to live to 200 has already been born. There have been studies that have been done. No, Big Cat, you didn't read the studies that I read.

UNC Women's Field Hockey is bad for the sport because they are too dominant

UNC Women's Field Hockey... just won their third national title in a row. Do you think that UNC women's field hockey is bad for women's field hockey? Because they're too dominant... If they go five in a row, that's bad for the sport.

The OMAD (One Meal A Day) diet is going to 'kick everyone's ass'

I'm on a diet. You've got to get your stomach small, bro. Once you reach OMAD (One Meal A Day), it's a level of intermittent fasting... If I never eat again, I will be skinny. OMAD is going to kick everyone's ass.

Snapchat will eventually be used to blackmail future politicians

I think Snapchat is going to have a huge blackmail on future politicians... You have a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds and teenagers and stuff, and then in the future they might be important people and there's a whole cloud of data... I think there will be a scandal that happens in the next 20 years where a Comcast or a major internet service provider just gets hacked or they release a bunch of documents and it's just everybody's search history and internet history.

I am being scammed by an Airbnb host for $40,000 in pool damages

I'm being investigated for $40,000 worth of damages by Airbnb... the homeowner has contacted me saying that I caused $40,000 worth of [damage to] the pool... They say that I didn't keep the pool at the correct level and that the motor and the pump broke down... I think she's scamming me... I didn't even cause a penny worth of damage.

Suggesting humans are the only life in the universe is inexcusably egocentric

To suggest that we're the only life in the universe would be inexcusably egocentric... Recognizing the likelihood of there being life in the universe is not the same thing as agreeing with UFO enthusiasts.