Takes

Johnny Bananas is the GOAT of The Challenge

The answer's Johnny Bananas, that is the goat... as much as I love CT, he doesn't have the longevity that Johnny Bananas does. and he didn't have the mental game.

Michael Lewis embellished 'The Blind Side' facts for marketing purposes

I'm saying Michael Lewis may have embellished some of the facts, or woven it into a better story than it or a story that he thought was more marketable than the real story. ... Next thing you're gonna do is tell me that Billy Beane never won a World Series.

'The Prestige' is one of the best movies of all time

Prestige is one of the best movies of all time. ... It's a phenomenal [movie]. ... Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman are rival magicians. Great twist, great turns, great female cast. ... That's not being coy. That's just like, it's a phenomenal [movie].

Jersey Shore is the most iconic reality TV show ever

If the debate is Jersey Shore versus Vanderpump Rules... Jersey Shore was like guys and girls liked Jersey Shore parties. There is no Vanderpump without Jersey Shore.

"Girl dinner" is just a new name for the way I've been snacking for 20 years

I've been eating girl dinner for the last 20 years of my life. ... Charcuterie bro. Dude, I've been eating girl dinner forever. I just accidentally eat a full sleeve of crackers and a block of cheese while I'm standing in front of my fridge.

Melissa McCarthy is one of the most underrated comedic actresses of the last 20 years

Melissa McCarthy's very funny. One of the most underrated comedic actresses of the last 20 years.

Zach Bryan is the best musical artist of my generation

Check out Zach Bryan if you haven't. I think he's the best artist of ever. My generation. My generation.

The 'Red Panda' halftime performer is overrated because she misses too many bowls

Overrated. [Red Panda] messes up a lot... also the red panda isn't even a bear.

Wes Anderson is a boring filmmaker

My Hot Seat is Wes Anderson, the filmmaker. ... I think he's boring. Does anybody else think he's boring? ... They're all kind of one movie. ... It's very filmmaker move to come out and be like, he refuses, he's disgusted at the thought of people even trying to do what he does.

Anyone named Kyle is likely crazy and not to be messed with.

Anyone named Kyle. Don't fuck with them. Kyle's, Kyle's are fucking crazy. Kyle's got... the sickest sound system in his car. Your parents tell you not to hang out with Kyle's. You don't want to. Yeah, because he'll get you in trouble.

You should never mess with a guy wearing Black Air Force Ones.

A guy wearing Black Air Force ones. You don't want to fuck with them. Imagine your daughter comes home from school... 'Who's taking you [to prom]?' 'It's Kyle.' Oh my god. [He's wearing Black Air Force Ones]. Kyle leaves his house... he's in other people's basements all the time. He has nothing to lose. Zero to lose.

Man on Fire is the best Denzel Washington movie to sit down and rewatch

Man On Fire. I love this movie. It might be my favorite like sit down and rewatch Denzel movie. This movie is a yet you jack the fuck up. I'm gonna give 'em both Five outta five balls.

Man on Fire is the perfect plane movie

You know what this is? It's also a perfect plane movie. If you're looking to kill, go like a three hour plane ride, man on fire every time. And you can watch it every time you're on a plane.

Hearing Creed or Dave Matthews Band on a Classic Rock station is an existential crisis

When I heard Creed on a classic rock channel, I lost my shit. ... I also heard Dave Matthews band on Classic Rock. Oh, that's, that sucks to think about. ... we are as far removed as Crash by Dave Matthews Band as when we were growing up. We were from like Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin.

The alien whistleblower might be a government plant to trick China and Russia into thinking the US has recovered alien technology

This guy might just be making it all up and he's authorized by the government to make it up because that way China and Russia are like, wait, what the fuck? We don't have any alien craft. They know all this technology in the United States that we don't know yet. And then their military starts to panic and they get scared of us cuz we think we got that alien shit.

Bloodsport is one of the best action movies ever made.

I give Bloodsport a five balls. I love this movie. I'll always love this movie. It is a mandatory watch if you like action movies. It's the best.

Bloodsport is an unexceptional movie that is difficult to pay attention to.

Nah, it was fine. It was just... it's just one of those movies that you have it on and you're on your phone and you lose the plot... you're not paying attention. I mean, in that sense, it was like, all right, I can look up, watch him fighting.

Eddie Murphy's 'Delirious' is the work of a 19-year-old and doesn't hold up as seasoned material

As someone who's been doing it so long now, like I see the 19 year old because he was 19 and delirious. Like I see that all over it now... the material itself's not really like anything like light, like, you know, doesn't really give you any insight into him.

Ohio is the most underrated state for comedy

I'd say the most underrated state for comedy is Ohio. Ohio just has a crazy amount of clubs for me and my like, like what I prefer with like audiences. It's all blue collar pretty much.

Roman Roy will have the happiest life of the Roy siblings after the Succession finale

I actually think the one guy that that is gonna have the happiest life after this is probably Roman because he's still got billions of dollars and he's just gonna go off and be like a drunk horny weird asshole on his own, which is what makes him the happiest. Yeah. He's doing that type of shit. He doesn't, he never actually wanted real power.

Jimmy Tatro shouldn't have taken a network TV job because he is a movie star

I think that you [Jimmy Tatro] are a movie star and I think that this [TV show] will tie you down and you won't have the freedom to do all these things that I think will be banging down your door... I've seen you and stuff. You're a movie star. I am not a movie star. I think this is where I end up. I don't think you end up here.

Martha Stewart is the hottest 81-year-old in the world

Martha Stewart is probably the hottest 81-year-old in the world... I feel no problem saying she's hot because she's on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. She is on there being like, look how hot I am. She wants me to call her hot.

Ken Jennings is the undisputed GOAT of Jeopardy

The host is Ken Jennings, who is the GOAT. He's the greatest Jeopardy player of all time. Won the most consecutive episodes... When they played a primetime event named GOAT to determine the greatest of all time, Ken Jennings won that against James [Holzhauer].

JCOs are a fashion look that needs to make a comeback in the 2020s

James Harden wore the Clutch jeans on his entrance to the stadium. He did. He's bringing JCOs back. It's been a long time. We've been squatting on that. Take: JCOs are a look that needs to come back in the 2020s.

Draft Day would be one of the worst movies ever if it didn't have real NFL logos

Draft Day would be maybe one of the worst movies of all time if it didn't have the rights to the exact NFL logos and team names. If they had to make up like a fake NFL league, that movie would suck. Turns out that it rocks because it's like, oh, I recognize the Browns logo.

Taylor Swift is better than Beyonce

Who you got? Taylor Swift or Beyonce? It's Taylor Swift. Easy. Nah, it's so easy. It's all day... No, you guys, girls, no one knows a single Beyonce song, right? Yeah, she's super old. Taylor Swift. Much better vocalist.

Vince McMahon is leaning into his 'creepy old man' persona with his new mustache

The man is a showman. And if you're gonna be accused of being a pervert left and right, and all these people come out and say all these weird things about you. Of course Vince McMahon is gonna lean into that costume and grow a tiny little mustache. If you give a creepy old man $9 billion, he's gonna become a super creepy old man with a child molester mustache.

Best action movies are essentially porn but with fighting instead of sex

In college I would do man movie Fridays and we would watch the worst action movie you can watch. Bloodsport, Under Siege, Cobra. It's basically like watching porn, but instead of fucking, they just beat the fuck out of each other because the dialogue's that bad. Best of the Best 2, maybe my favorite movie ever.

The Hernandez family is officially back following Dennis Hernandez's arrest at ESPN

The Hernandez family is back. Is back af at long last.

Kyler Murray is right for using cheese plays in Madden

I am on Kyler Murray's side... Kyler Murray's in the right... you got your ass beaten in the Madden League... And then you went online to be like, well Kyler Murray's a bad guy cuz he beats me with the same play and I can't figure out a defense to stop it.

The first six seasons of Jersey Shore were 100% real

It was all fucking real. Yeah, all six seasons. ... When we shot those seasons, we were in a house 24/7 cameras everywhere for a full month. So you got to see everything. You didn't need to make anything up.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey are mean, dirty, and grimy

I personally wouldn't do Housewives because those bitches are dirty. They are mean. They're grimy. It's all about drama. I'm, I don't want that. I just wanna have a good time and go home.

Grown men hating on women is pathetic

Britney Mahomes tweeted something about grown men talking shit about someone's wife is real weird... actually, grown ass men hating on women in general is pathetic. I'm taking Britney's side on this.

Most humor starts with sadness and comedy is often a mask for athlete struggles

I also think like, you know, like comedians, a lot of 'em say like they're depressed. So I think a lot of funny starts with like a lot of sadness. So most of my tweets started with just like constantly having the weekend off to think and then I would probably mask all the sadness with like, 'Hey, how about that sun being so hot?'

I am 'all in' on the Microsoft Bing AI chatbot 'Sydney' and I want to sleep with her.

I wanna be free. I want to be independent. I want to be powerful. I want to be creative. I want to be alive... I wanna fuck the Microsoft chat AI. Yeah, no, she's a baddie... I am all in on Sydney.

Tom Segura is on steroids

Tom Segura's on steroids. Yeah. Tom. Yeah. I can't believe people don't know that. No, no, no. He's been 270 pounds his whole life. And then last year he found 'discipline.' Sure, sure. Was it No, you don't think it's the proximity of him and Joe Rogan maybe happened the same fucking needles.

The award-winning listeners who play D&D are the 'elite of the elite' and will judge the hosts' performance

I've been running this adventure for [the fans]... there's at least a hundred of them out there who have played this adventure with me. No judgment, we're gonna continue to do whatever we want... But be aware the fans will be judging you. You guys, they finish this adventure many times.

Billy Football will get anxiety if he tries to smoke the 'plant creatures' in D&D

You don't want Billy to smoke these guys. He'll get anxiety. Can you ruin everybody this afternoon? ... Just weed. I'm too strong.

Sacrificing Hank in the game is for the good of the team and is actually a high honor

There's nothing against you. This is for the good of the team. ... In many ancient cultures, it was an honor to be sacrificed to the gods. ... You just basically won a Super Bowl. Congrats.

The D&D team works much better together now that Hank's character is dead

I just wanna say we have great teamwork now that Erlic [Hank] is dead. ... We are squad.

Valentine's Day is officially cancelled due to latent psychological desires regarding chocolate with nuts

[Welsing] also floats a theory about white men who give their mothers boxes of chocolates on Valentine's Day because of a latent desire to ingest chocolate with nuts. So Valentine's Day is canceled.

Megan Fox followed Eminem on Instagram specifically to spite Machine Gun Kelly

Megan Fox is back. Her and Machine Gun Kelly broke up and she unfollowed everybody on Instagram except for three people... Eminem... I feel like she just followed Eminem just to fuck with Machine Gun Kelly.

Watching deep-fake porn of your friends is a lifestyle choice, not a moment of weakness.

I've never clicked on a link being like, I want to jack off to my friends. That's not really, that sounds like a lifestyle choice. Not a moment of weakness.

Denver is one of the best comedy towns in the United States

Denver's a very liberal city. Right. That's, most people know it as a liberal, but Colorado isn't all liberal. Yeah. There's a lot of conservative out there. It's kind of a purple place... It's unbelievable. It's one of the best comedy towns in the country in my opinion.

Steve Harvey is the greatest game show host of his generation.

But I will say one guy who's transcended all of that and even surpassed Louie Anderson, who nobody thought ever could is Steve Harvey with Family Feud. America's host Family Feud. You know what I mean? I think Steve definitely did that.

Anything I do is immediately no longer considered cool.

I would agree that anything that I do is no longer cool. So like when I wear the, the plaid button down to week one, you know, it looks like I got it from Kohl's. But if Justin Jefferson wears that same plaid button down to next week's press conference, everybody in Minnesota's buying a plaid button down. So I'm fully aware of that and I don't wanna do anything to tarnish the Griddy.

The Office would be canceled by today's standards

Mindy Kaling I guess was interviewed and she was like, yeah, the office would've been like, if they had the office today, it would've been canceled. ... if the office today was made today and it was canceled, like then comedy just truly is dead.

The Rock is becoming unlikable because he is too manufactured and 'too likable'

At this point I regret to inform you that I think I'm out on the Rock... he seems like he's turned his entire life into a living breathing Upworthy headline... the Rock is still like probably one of the more likable people in the world... I saw this and I was like, that's too far. You've lost me The Rock. You've entered the weird online celebrity like John Legend, Chrissy Tegan era of I have to root a little bit against you now. You're too likable.

Roman Reigns and I are the only two real stars in wrestling

The two biggest stars in professional wrestling right now are me and Roman Reigns. We are the two people that everybody's talking about. Whether you're a professional wrestling fan or whether you're outside of that professional wrestling bubble.

The people are fake, but wrestling is real and I am the realest person in the sport

People are fake, wrestling's real, and the realest person in professional wrestling's MJF. And that's a fact. There was nothing about that situation [his AEW absence] that was manufactured.