Takes

I Show Speed is more famous than Tom Brady

Our conversation back here was Brady or Speed. I would probably go Speed. Brady's a big name though, he got a lot of rings, but I'd go Speed. I might take it back and go top one [most famous person at the field].

I Show Speed is globally more famous than Donald Trump

I do think that I Show Speed is globally more famous than Donald Trump... between the ages of five and like 37 is four makes up 48% of the globe. And I think a overwhelming majority of them definitely know who Speed is... I think Speed might [have] 4.1 [billion people] dude. I'll give 4.1 just for sake of argument.

Liking chick flicks from the 2000s is inherently wrong for men

Liking chick flicks is wrong. They're gay. Yeah.

The Super Bowl halftime show is for chicks

The Super Bowl halftime show is—is—is for chicks... I don't think the average NFL fan is like, man, I hope this Super Bowl halftime show is awesome. I don't give a fuck.

The Italian race is essentially finished because they are too attracted to Latinas

He [Jersey Jerry] told me today that Italians were done in this country... because a lot of them are attracted to Latinas. And so then they have kids with Latinas and then there's no more Italians.

A Taylor Swift divorce album would result in incredible music

I want them to be happily married forever. A divorce album would rock... I'm saying if it happened, there would be incredible music. Right. Don't want it happen.

Magnus Carlsen is no longer the GOAT of chess because I've only seen him lose for 48 hours.

I'm gonna say right now, Magnus [Carlsen] not the best. 'cause I have been watching chess religiously for almost 48 hours now. And all I've seen is Magnus lost.

Bill Belichick is likely having a baby with his girlfriend Jordon

If I had to give one piece of advice to Jordon, have a baby. No, no. With Belichick, with Bill. Have a—let's get a baby in this thing. Consummate this love with a baby. A baby in the mix of this would be one of the greatest stories.

Knowing ball is a powerful enough skill to change a nation's perception of even the world's worst people.

Timothy Chalamet's proof that you can change an entire nation's perception of you by knowing Ball. If Osama Bin Laden would've declared his love for Miami of Ohio's football program, we would've been like, you know, we can always just rebuild those towers. ... If Kim Jong-un got three picks right on college game day, I'm pretty sure we'd all just be like, that's just our culture.

The NFL replacing 'End Racism' stencils in the end zone means racism has been officially defeated

We ended racism. No more 'End Racism' in the end zone. It only took four years. 2021 we decided let's do something... we fucking painted that shit in end zones and we did it and we put it on the backs of helmets and now racism's dead. Done. Choose love is also gone. We're choosing hate... calling time out to hate now so that you can get better at hating when you get back.

Diddy killed Biggie Smalls

Diddy's a bad guy. And my take, I don't, this isn't like an a wildly original one. I think Diddy killed Biggie. Think about it. Think about it... when Biggie died, you remember Diddy was like all over tv. He did that. The video. I'll be missing you. Yeah. Like that he made his entire career about Yeah. Biggie. That is something that a psychopath killer would do.

The Joker is more dangerous than Batman because he is willing to do whatever it takes

The issue with Batman is like he's not willing to do whatever it takes. Like he has a chance to throw [Joker] off the cliff at the end of the second one and he doesn't do it. He saves his life. And so like the scary thing about Batman is like is he willing to go the extra mile to do what's necessary for the greater good? And that's the danger part of Joker is like he's willing to go the extra mile to get his point across.

Joey Chestnut should be a billionaire

What does Joey Chestnut, what does Jeff Bezos do better than Joey Chestnut? Not a lot. What does Elon Musk do better than Joey Chestnut? Like, I want Joey Chestnut to be so rich that he can do whatever he wants.

Taylor Swift hates the Chiefs because she won't give Travis Kelce money to take a league-minimum contract.

If Taylor Swift was a real fan of the, the Chiefs... She would realize for the good of the franchise that she should not do a prenup with Travis Kelce, therefore letting Travis Kelce sign value contracts with the Chiefs and extending their championship window. She she would give... Money's no problem for us. Sounds like she hates the Chiefs. Yeah.

Taylor Swift should give up half her money to men to prove she believes in equality.

Basically what we're saying is that Taylor Swift should give up half of her money to men. Is that too much to ask? No, I thought we were about equality. Equality matters 50%.

Drake leaked his own explicit video as a flex

Drake international superstar. He was jacking off and the video came out. I actually think my conspiracy theory brain tells me that Drake leaked this himself because it's a good angle... he's got a big dick and he's got a big dick. Yeah. So if anything it like my respect for Drake increased today.

Taylor Swift ruined Santa Claus for thousands of children

Taylor Swift probably ruined Santa Claus for thousands and thousands of children across America today... my four-year old son Chris walked in and he saw Santa... Santa was in her box, and he said, dad, we just opened presents... how come he's on TV right now?

Philadelphia fans will end up rooting for 'Passing Paisan' Tommy DeVito on Christmas

Tommy is gonna go into Philly and that crowd's gonna be rooting so hard for my guy. And they're gonna say, Hey, this guy, he's a good guy. Standup guy. He's one of us. We can't root against our guy. The passing paisan. I love that. And that's what I love about the city. Philadelphia.

There is no room for swearing in sports

I've never seen Mahomes swear. I've never seen him swear. Never. Not once. I've never seen a coach swear. There's no, there's no room for swearing in sports... What I'm trying to say is there's no place for swearing at a football game in the stands.

I did not see anything supernatural on the plane

I did not see anything. What I mean, I think y'all knew that. No I did not... I got a bit of an altercation. It spiraled outta control... It was an expression of speech. I just was in my fields needed to get off that. I was highly distressed. Not a good look.

I won't believe the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce relationship is real until I see 'p and v' proof

The Swifties are at my door... for a clip on Monday that I, I said that I wanted to see until I, until I saw actual p and v, the relationship was not real to me. If I don't see sex, I don't think anyone's relationship is real in the world.

The Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift relationship is fake and for clicks until I see physical proof

I don't buy it until I see some [physical proof]. ... Until that happens, I think it's fake. And I think it's for clicks. And I think Taylor Swift is using the NFL to try to make her star bigger.

Miley Cyrus will perform the sexiest Super Bowl halftime show ever in Las Vegas

Miley's back, she's gonna play at the Super Bowl probably in Allegiant Stadium, which is the sexiest stadium in the world. It's gonna be the most boner inducing halftime show of all time. We can only hope and pray that Justin Timberlake gets out there and there's another Janet Jackson scenario.

The US government uses Taylor Swift news to distract from alien craft revelations

In fact, I went up to our friend Kelly Keegs, who is maybe the biggest Taylor Swift fan in the entire world. I was like, so did you hear about The Aliens? And she was like, what Aliens? Taylor might be working for the United States government and they just told her like, Hey Taylor, please dump your boyfriend right now because we need to cover up the alien thing.

Meghan Markle attended King Charles' Coronation in a disguise

They're saying that that was Meghan Markle wearing a prosthetic, pretending to be a dude to sneak into the coronation. I have no idea if it's true or not, but I now I believe it because these people care so very deeply about it.

AI-powered robots will kill us all in less than a year

If you guys watch the episode metalhead [from Black Mirror], that's actually happening in real life... They gave Boston Dynamics robots brains and now they can do whatever they want. Think for themselves. I still think we got less than a year left. Yeah, we're done. We're cooked.

Aaron Rodgers will date or sleep with Zach Wilson's mom to establish dominance as the Jets' alpha

I think [Aaron Rodgers] is gonna fuck Zach Wilson's mom. Just get it out of the way. Be an alpha. Because I mean, Zach said he is gonna make whoever's gonna be the starting quarterback, he's gonna make their life hell.

Taylor Swift is better than Beyonce

Who you got? Taylor Swift or Beyonce? It's Taylor Swift. Easy. Nah, it's so easy. It's all day... No, you guys, girls, no one knows a single Beyonce song, right? Yeah, she's super old. Taylor Swift. Much better vocalist.

The Hernandez family is officially back following Dennis Hernandez's arrest at ESPN

The Hernandez family is back. Is back af at long last.

Helen Keller was not actually deaf and could hear everything

She could hear everything. Yeah. She just couldn't speak or see... [Her parents] are tell some Tell Tales... Great commitment to the bit.

Sam Hurd was released from prison early to serve as viral marketing for the movie Cocaine Bear

Sam Hurd has been released from Federal penitentiary... after serving a 10 year sentence for distributing cocaine. Timing is very suspicious with the release of Cocaine Bear. A lot of people are saying that this judge might have taken some money to do some gorilla marketing for the movie.

I am 'all in' on the Microsoft Bing AI chatbot 'Sydney' and I want to sleep with her.

I wanna be free. I want to be independent. I want to be powerful. I want to be creative. I want to be alive... I wanna fuck the Microsoft chat AI. Yeah, no, she's a baddie... I am all in on Sydney.

Valentine's Day is officially cancelled due to latent psychological desires regarding chocolate with nuts

[Welsing] also floats a theory about white men who give their mothers boxes of chocolates on Valentine's Day because of a latent desire to ingest chocolate with nuts. So Valentine's Day is canceled.

The Marcus Jordan and Larsa Pippen relationship is MJ's final revenge on Scottie Pippen

I just imagined MJ being like, did you hear all that shit about Scottie saying that LeBron's better than me? Go hit up Larsa. Yeah, let's, let's start this relationship Dogs. That's tough.

Magnus Carlsen is likely the one using vibrating anal beads to cheat at chess

I think that Magnus... he's recognizing that the guy that he's playing against is stealing his trick, which is also using anal beads. Whoever smelt it, Delta. I think Magnus Carlson is the guy with the anal beads that's accusing our maybe our baby goat, our American goat.

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

Hasbulla is a bigger living legend than Michael Jordan

One-one is Hasbulla. He's a living legend. He walks in the room, everyone stops. You go to any country in the world and they're like—Hasbulla. He's got international [fame]. Hasbulla objectively is way bigger [than Michael Jordan].

The Will Smith slap of Chris Rock was fake because Will Smith taught a kid how to fake slap a month prior

There's a video out of Will Smith a month ago, teaching a kid how to fake slap. I don't know if you guys see this on TMZ... I'm just saying, you know, it looks like a guy who's been practicing slapping.

The world would have more in common if everyone sat down and watched Jackass together

I still to this day... I think that you could take Jackass, you could show it to ISIS and they would laugh their balls off. They would, it would actually bring the world together. If we could just have a set aside two hours where everybody in the world sits down and watch Jackass, and we'd be like, you know what? We got a lot more in common than maybe we thought.

Jake Marsh would beat Ryan Russillo, Nephew Kyle, and Sir Rudy in a fight by himself through pure sportsmanship

What if we... let's do the fight. We just sent Jake Marsh. Boom. He kick all their asses. One verse three. Fun with that. Come on. Sportsmanship to death.

Ted Bundy is a wildly overrated serial killer

Ted Bundy is wildly overrated. I mean, I... Ted Bundy was overrated as a killer. He's just good looking.

The iceberg is the ultimate villain of the Titanic story

I'm going to go with the iceberg in Titanic. All time. Villain killed a lot of people... The iceberg fucking hanging out. It smoked like 4,000 people... The iceberg took a charge, right? The iceberg, the ball's going the other way. Worked didn't fucking move. Iceberg had position. That's a fact.

Jeff Bezos's space flight was just a midlife crisis to overcompensate for having a small penis.

Jeff Bezos, he built a penis rocket and then played just the tip with space. He couldn't in his wildest dreams insert his big penis rocket into space... you got a tiny dick, bro. That's a big time midlife crisis overcompensating here.

Space Jam: A New Legacy is an allegory for the Bible or A Tale of Two Cities because of Bugs Bunny's sacrifice

I think that it was the, the legacy situation for bugs. He literally killed himself. He was like, I'm going to have to kill myself and to protect LeBron James... there is actually like some Christ-light tendencies with that story of bugs bunny that I think need to be explored... it could be Christ or like I said earlier, it could be like the Charles Darnay tale. The Tale of Two Cities ending.

LeBron James' playoff losses are partly karma for how Space Jam: A New Legacy handled Lola Bunny

All I'll say is it might be karma for giving Lola Bunny a small ass. Yeah. The basketball gods caught up with [LeBron James].

Ted Lasso could coach the Jets to a 10-6 record

You can't convince me that Ted Lasso couldn't take the Jets to 10-6.

Alex Rodriguez is a piece of shit and a liar

A-Rod, you know what I'm talking about, you piece of shit. ... He's a scumbag. I don't like that. He was cheating on Jennifer Lopez. ... I was there when it happened.

I'm a six-four, 270-pound genetic freak — women want to breed with me just for the kids

She wanted to have, you know, my daughter's supermodel. So I breed super kids, obviously. I'm six foot four, 270 pound super athlete. So I'm a genetic freak. So I have, I've had plenty of women wanted to breed with me just for the kids.

OJ Simpson's son committed the murders, not OJ

I don't think OJ did it. ... I think it was his son. ... I saw a TikTok.

You guys are over 30 and no longer your own audience

You guys are over 30. You're no longer your audience. I want to go with the 14-year-olds.