Takes

The Super Bowl halftime show is for chicks

The Super Bowl halftime show is—is—is for chicks... I don't think the average NFL fan is like, man, I hope this Super Bowl halftime show is awesome. I don't give a fuck.

A Taylor Swift divorce album would result in incredible music

I want them to be happily married forever. A divorce album would rock... I'm saying if it happened, there would be incredible music. Right. Don't want it happen.

Diddy killed Biggie Smalls

Diddy's a bad guy. And my take, I don't, this isn't like an a wildly original one. I think Diddy killed Biggie. Think about it. Think about it... when Biggie died, you remember Diddy was like all over tv. He did that. The video. I'll be missing you. Yeah. Like that he made his entire career about Yeah. Biggie. That is something that a psychopath killer would do.

If Taylor Swift takes over Sundays, I need to see a sex tape

If Taylor Swift is gonna be taking over our Sundays, I'm gonna need to see a sex tape. These are my demands at Pardon My Take.

The Joker is more dangerous than Batman because he is willing to do whatever it takes

The issue with Batman is like he's not willing to do whatever it takes. Like he has a chance to throw [Joker] off the cliff at the end of the second one and he doesn't do it. He saves his life. And so like the scary thing about Batman is like is he willing to go the extra mile to do what's necessary for the greater good? And that's the danger part of Joker is like he's willing to go the extra mile to get his point across.

Joey Chestnut should be a billionaire

What does Joey Chestnut, what does Jeff Bezos do better than Joey Chestnut? Not a lot. What does Elon Musk do better than Joey Chestnut? Like, I want Joey Chestnut to be so rich that he can do whatever he wants.

Taylor Swift should give up half her money to men to help the Chiefs win championships.

Basically what we're saying is that Taylor Swift should give up half of her money to men. Is that too much to ask? No, I thought we were about equality. Equality matters 50%. And if she, if she was a true Chiefs fan, she would be like, 'Hey Travis, take the league minimum and let's go win another championship.' Rings... it sounds like she's only about her personal engagement ring, not a Super Bowl ring.

Drake leaked his own explicit video as a flex

Drake international superstar. He was jacking off and the video came out. I actually think my conspiracy theory brain tells me that Drake leaked this himself because it's a good angle... he's got a big dick and he's got a big dick. Yeah. So if anything it like my respect for Drake increased today.

Taylor Swift ruined Santa Claus for thousands of children

Taylor Swift probably ruined Santa Claus for thousands and thousands of children across America today... my four-year old son Chris walked in and he saw Santa... Santa was in her box, and he said, dad, we just opened presents... how come he's on TV right now?

I did not see anything supernatural on the plane

I did not see anything. What I mean, I think y'all knew that. No I did not... I got a bit of an altercation. It spiraled outta control... It was an expression of speech. I just was in my fields needed to get off that. I was highly distressed. Not a good look.

I won't believe the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce relationship is real until I see actual proof

The Swifties are at my door... for a clip on Monday that I, I said that I wanted to see until I, until I saw actual p and v, the relationship was not real to me. Let's just be clear, like it's similar to dinosaurs. Dinosaurs aren't real because I never saw them. So if I don't see, if I don't see sex, I don't think anyone's relationship is real in the world.

Miley Cyrus will perform the sexiest Super Bowl halftime show ever in Las Vegas

Miley's back, she's gonna play at the Super Bowl probably in Allegiant Stadium, which is the sexiest stadium in the world. It's gonna be the most boner inducing halftime show of all time. We can only hope and pray that Justin Timberlake gets out there and there's another Janet Jackson scenario.

The US government uses Taylor Swift news to distract from alien craft revelations

In fact, I went up to our friend Kelly Keegs, who is maybe the biggest Taylor Swift fan in the entire world. I was like, so did you hear about The Aliens? And she was like, what Aliens? Taylor might be working for the United States government and they just told her like, Hey Taylor, please dump your boyfriend right now because we need to cover up the alien thing.

Meghan Markle attended King Charles' Coronation in a disguise

They're saying that that was Meghan Markle wearing a prosthetic, pretending to be a dude to sneak into the coronation. I have no idea if it's true or not, but I now I believe it because these people care so very deeply about it.

Taylor Swift is better than Beyonce

Who you got? Taylor Swift or Beyonce? It's Taylor Swift. Easy. Nah, it's so easy. It's all day... No, you guys, girls, no one knows a single Beyonce song, right? Yeah, she's super old. Taylor Swift. Much better vocalist.

Sam Hurd was released from prison early to serve as viral marketing for the movie Cocaine Bear

Sam Hurd has been released from Federal penitentiary... after serving a 10 year sentence for distributing cocaine. Timing is very suspicious with the release of Cocaine Bear. A lot of people are saying that this judge might have taken some money to do some gorilla marketing for the movie.

The Marcus Jordan and Larsa Pippen relationship is MJ's final revenge on Scottie Pippen

I just imagined MJ being like, did you hear all that shit about Scottie saying that LeBron's better than me? Go hit up Larsa. Yeah, let's, let's start this relationship Dogs. That's tough.

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

Hasbulla is a bigger living legend than Michael Jordan

One-one is Hasbulla. He's a living legend. He walks in the room, everyone stops. You go to any country in the world and they're like—Hasbulla. He's got international [fame]. Hasbulla objectively is way bigger [than Michael Jordan].

The Will Smith slap of Chris Rock was fake because Will Smith taught a kid how to fake slap a month prior

There's a video out of will Smith a month ago, teaching a kid how to fake slap. I don't know if you guys see this on TMZ... I'm just saying, you know, it looks like a guy who's been practicing slapping.

The world would have more in common if everyone sat down and watched Jackass together

I still to this day... I think that you could take Jackass, you could show it to ISIS and they would laugh their balls off. They would, it would actually bring the world together. If we could just have a set aside two hours where everybody in the world sits down and watch Jackass, and we'd be like, you know what? We got a lot more in common than maybe we thought.

Ted Bundy is a wildly overrated serial killer

Ted Bundy is wildly overrated. I mean, I... Ted Bundy was overrated as a killer. He's just good looking.

Urban Meyer's wife sent him to the bar to get his charisma back

I think Shelly Meyer might win wife of the year... led me to believe that she was like, 'Urban, go out and remember why you're Urban Meyer. Go out and hit on some chicks and get that swagger back. Get that charisma back. Get that fucking confidence back.' I think she actually sent him out to be like, go out, pick up a chick. Don't have sex with her, but pick her up and remind yourself why you're the alpha.

The iceberg is the ultimate villain of the Titanic story

I'm going to go with the iceberg in Titanic. All time. Villain killed a lot of people... The iceberg fucking hanging out. It smoked like 4,000 people... The iceberg took a charge, right? The iceberg, the ball's going the other way. Worked didn't fucking move. Iceberg had position. That's a fact.

Ted Lasso could coach the Jets to a 10-6 record

You can't convince me that Ted Lasso couldn't take the Jets to 10-6.

Alex Rodriguez is a piece of shit and a liar

A-Rod, you know what I'm talking about, you piece of shit. ... He's a scumbag. I don't like that. He was cheating on Jennifer Lopez. ... I was there when it happened.

OJ Simpson's son committed the murders, not OJ

I don't think OJ did it. ... I think it was his son. ... I saw a TikTok.

Mark Zuckerberg definitely has ass implants

Mark Zuckerberg surfing has hit the internet... I noticed right away. The dude's got a fucking donk. He has got cheeks. Big-time cheeks... I think it's an ass implant. Mark Zuckerberg is a nerd though... he can't just do something that's so obvious. What he can do is get a fake fat ass.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

Billy Mitchell's wife is the reason he is the 'King of the Nerds'

I actually kind of think his wife has big tits and I think that that is the greatest equalizer in like nerd world where they're like, 'Whoa, Billy look at the fucking the tits on your wife' and then he just becomes the King of the Nerds.

Britney Spears set a world record by running the 100m dash in 5.97 seconds

Britney Spears set a world record in the 100 meter dash. She ran a hundred meters in 5.97 seconds on a treadmill which is four seconds faster than Usain Bolt... no one's gonna break that record.

Dude Perfect is responsible for the coronavirus because their trick shot gong was made in Wuhan

I'm putting Dude Perfect on the hot seat. I don't know if you've seen them recently, but they were showing off the gong that they have in their Dude Perfect warehouse... and it says proudly made in Wuhan right on the big gong there. So many people are asking is Dude Perfect responsible for the stuff that's going on the world.

We should use truth serum to find out if Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey are guilty

You just look at the [Steven Avery] case... just give them truth serum and will fucking find out in two seconds if they were murder... There is sodium pentothal. Sodium Pentothal, yeah. Yes methamphetamine. Okay a combination. Yeah combination and a cigarette... and you can find out where the bodies are. Did they really do it?

My upcoming diss track will put Drake out of business

Oh, yeah, the diss track is coming. I wrote it on Friday. So, yes, I'm continuing my battle against Drake. I murdered him. He's dead. He's already dead. I haven't even laid it down yet. I almost feel bad putting Drake out of business like this.

Jake Gyllenhaal's acting in military movies is stolen valor

Fuck Jake Gyllenhaal. I've heard he's kind of a dick. Like, the whole method acting thing, it's like, dude, chill out. You weren't actually in the military. It's stolen valor, basically, what he does to just try to play badass characters all the time.

Jon Snow is responsible for the massacre at King's Landing because he wouldn't sleep with Daenerys

Jon Snow should get some of this blame because if he just had sex with her, she probably wouldn't have gone crazy. Exactly. Just sack up and fuck your aunt and save millions of lives... You can flip out while you watch a city burn and be like, we shouldn't be doing this. Or you can just squeeze off a nut the night before.

Jon Snow and Arya Stark will have sex and then one will kill the other

Jon Snow and Arya? They're brother or sister. So they'll probably fuck. Yeah, okay. Jon Snow and Arya. They're actually cousins. One of those two is going to kill the other one. He's going to have to kill the other one at the end. But after they fuck. They're definitely fucking.

Ancestry.com is a data-collection scheme to map the population for future control

That stupid fucking Ancestry.com... These fucking people, you're sending your DNA into the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? And now they find all they need is 3 million people to do it. They can map out everybody... There's no fucking way they're not talking about it and trying to come up with solutions [for population control].

Millennials are killing breasts because they are desensitized by the internet

Millennials are killing boobs. So boobs are on the hot seat. ... Hooters is going through some down times. ... It's actually just because millennials aren't going to the restaurants anymore because they don't like boobs. ... By the time you're 18, you're like a seasoned veteran.

Super Troopers 2 is a better sequel than The Godfather Part II

I'd say it's more beyond Godfather 2. It's like Empire Strikes Back.

Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead are overrated

I'm just going to say it out loud. Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead, a little overrated.

John Cena broke off his engagement because of the PMT studio

He came into this studio. He saw what a chick looks like with four nipples. He saw the size and depth of my belly button. And boom, now his future wife's sex with his future wife is not as sweet. We clearly broke him up.

Chris Farley is not funny at all

I'll stick by the not funny... in Dan Dakich's world, which is my own sweet little world, and it's a damn good world, that I don't think Chris Farley's very funny at all. And he's still alive... That dude was not funny. Still isn't funny. I can turn his stuff on today, and he's not funny.

Jerry Richardson's heart transplant turned him evil

He actually has a built-in spin zone for himself because he got a heart transplant like five years ago. So it's the other guy's heart. It's not him. It turned him evil.

Donald Trump is going to put LaVar Ball on the million dollar bill

Donald Trump is going to put LaVar Ball on money. He's going to be on the million dollar bill. ... Weren't they going to change the $20 bill recently? Harriet Tubman, yeah. Well, not anymore because I think LaVar Ball's got his eye on it.

If a singer sucks at an open mic in Texas, you're supposed to tackle them

I found out that it was at an open mic [the Josh Beckett incident]... I feel like at an open mic in Texas if the guy sucks you're kind of you're supposed to tackle him. Yeah that's true he just was like a deputized bouncer.

Bill Nye is a fraud who has been catfishing America for 30 years

He's a stand-up comedian that created this character that has no scientific background. Basically, Bill Nye has been catfishing America for the last 30 years. Right. So the fact that he says the sun is hot is further proof that it's cold. I would absolutely conclude that. But he's a proven liar. All he's done his entire adult life is lie to us.

OJ Simpson could redeem his public image by murdering Bill Cosby

If OJ wants to, if he really wants to be a success in America again, go kill Bill Cosby. So if OJ just straight up murdered Bill Cosby, I think you'd see a lot of people forgive him. Forgive and forget.

Tom Brady never dated Ivanka Trump because her vagina is too acidic for his diet

The female vagina, the pH levels of it, 3.5 to 4.5. It's acidic like a tomato. No chance Tom Brady eats it. Like a glass of orange juice. No chance. Inflammation city if you touch that thing. Ass, I didn't know, so I checked ass. Ass is actually more pH neutral. So he could have eaten her ass.

Kesha's new album is the greatest album ever created

So I don't know if you guys have listened. Her [Kesha's] album came out last month, but I just caught wind of it. It is probably the greatest album that has ever been created.