Takes

Michael Vick revolutionized video games by making custom quarterbacks unnecessary

Michael Vick was... basically whenever you would play Madden and you'd create your own video game player for quarterback, then Michael Vick came along and you just didn't have to do that anymore. You just play with Michael Vick.

Sebastian Telfair should become a Second Amendment advocate to crowdsource his legal fees

Just become a big Second Amendment guy... If I know one thing about the Make America Great Again crowd, they will throw money behind people that they support. If Sebastian Telfair starts a Kickstarter online being like, my Second Amendment rights were infringed, he'll earn like $500,000 in legal fees overnight.

Jeff Van Gundy is white-knighting for Khloe Kardashian because he has a thing for her

But what it sounded like, it sounded like Jeff has a little thing for Khloe... So he's white knighting, really. He's trying to fuck Khloe.

It is a social law that you are allowed to say mean things about the Kardashians

Jeff Van Gundy needs to realize that like we've a long time ago made it kind of like a social norm that you can say anything mean about the Kardashians. It's okay. That's just become an internet law... That's the social contract we have all signed a long time ago.

Cheer shorts are officially back

I told you, I think about a year ago today, I said cheer shorts were back. ... I saw somebody wearing shorts the other day that had cheer written across the bottom. So they're back.

Pull Up At The Cincinnati Zoo And Pay Our Respects

Pull up at the zoo, pay our respects.

Rihanna's weight is the business of sports bloggers because she is part of their 'ecosystem' of content

Nowadays, the new hunting for guys is sitting behind computers and blogging about stuff... If you want us to take Rihanna's picture out of the ecosystem that's basically like committing a mass extinction on all the buffalo in the plains. Now we can't go out there and provide for our families. I think the real story here is about the plight of the sports bloggers.

Tiger Woods' hair plugs are working

His hair did not look as bad as it has in the past... No, but it looks like the hair plugs might be working. Because Tiger Woods is a notorious guy who went balding pretty early.

Bragging about your dick on national television is a solid strategy to win The Bachelorette.

I don't hate that strategy [bragging about his dick]. Why send a boy to do a man's job when you can just brag about your dick yourself on national television and no way will you regret this decision?

I predict love will be found on this season of the Bachelorette

I'm sure this is going to be a great season. They're going to find love. I'm going to predict it right now. I'm calling my shot. Love.

LaVar Ball is the greatest character Vince McMahon ever created

LaVar Ball he is the greatest character that Vince McMahon ever created. It's like everything. I mean, he basically went on Colin Cowherd's show and nagged all women. He was like, I'm not selling you. You're not big ballers. And then all the women were like, wait, we want to be big ballers too. All right, fine. I'll sell you some shirts.

A-Rod probably writes notes to himself reminding him to pull out

A-Rod actually strikes me as the type of guy who has to write a reminder to himself being like, remember to pull out. Like five times a day. It's like praying to Mecca if you're Muslim.

Hillary Clinton killed Chris Cornell

[Chris Cornell] also just happened to be the guy that sang the theme song for the Benghazi movie. And he was very active in Benghazi awareness that implicated a woman named Hillary Clinton. And then he passes away under mysterious circumstances. I think Hillary Clinton killed Chris Cornell.

War for the Planet of the Apes will be one of the best pictures of the year

Planet of the Apes, going to be one of my best pictures of the year.

Avril Lavigne might have died in 2003 and been replaced by a body double because she hated the limelight

The idea of this thread was that Avril Lavigne in 2003... committed suicide. But because she was so famous at the time, her record company kept her alive by not saying that she died and then just using her body double as Avril Lavigne going forward.

The red bathing suit Instagram campaign is a viral ad for the Baywatch movie

The Baywatch movie is coming out in like a month... This is a viral ad for the Baywatch movie. This is easy. This is too easy.

T.Y. Hilton's son will date Riley Curry in 15 years

Also, I just want to make a prediction. Within, I'm going to say 10 to 15 years, T.Y. Hilton's kid is going to be dating Riley Curry. I just want to put that out there. I think that's the next sports power couple.

Pat Riley is an immortal time traveler because he has shut out all human feelings

Here's how I know he's not dead is because you have to have feelings to be alive in the first place. And since he has just shut out all of his feelings, then he can't possibly ever be alive or dead. Therefore, he'll never die. Therefore, he is a time traveler.

Aaron Rodgers is plagiarizing Jack Handey SNL quotes on Twitter

I'm going to read you a tweet that Aaron put out yesterday. 'If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.' ... Guess what? It's actually plagiarism, bro. That's Jack Handey. That was from SNL Deep Thoughts. No attribution given whatsoever.

Coachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids

It's burning man for millennial social media kids because... I look on Instagram and it's like all these very attractive young ladies like, oh, can't wait for Coachella. And I'm just thinking, you're not a music festival person. You're not going to go tent for three days and live in shit.

Steph Curry's 'Oxblood' shoes look like footwear for a baptism in juvenile detention

The shoes look like something that you would wear to a baptism if you were in juvenile detention.

Every single movie in the Rocky franchise is good, including Rocky V

I'm actually one of the few that likes every single movie out of the whole franchise... [I like Rocky V] I do.

I'm officially done with people laughing at Bill Murray just for being Bill Murray

I don't hate Bill Murray at all. I hate what Bill Murray has become. I was a year ahead of the curve on this. So last year when I said this, you guys were like, what's going on? Bill Murray's the best. And now I think people are starting to realize that just because Bill Murray shows up at your bar mitzvah drunk doesn't mean he's pulling off some great comedic stuff. I'm just done with people laughing at Bill Murray for being Bill Murray.

Nick and Vanessa from The Bachelor are going to last

This is 2016 and this is how the millennials find love. I think they're going to last. I would like to see the Fantasy Suite get its own spinoff reality show.

Larry Bird, John Wooden, and Jerry Garcia are all effectively the same person

Understand that Larry Bird and John Wooden and Jerry Garcia are all the same person. And this sense of humanity, the sense of selflessness, the sense of leadership, the sense of assuming responsibility to be the guy and to be able to deliver every single night.

Russell Wilson and Ciara's naked pregnancy photo shoot is extremely 'problematic' and too much

She's holding her naked five-year-old while she's naked. She's pregnant. Russell Wilson is naked with his face in her [behind], and he's holding her belly... At what point, though, is it like, this is just too much?

Tim Tebow's plan to adopt children from every continent is a red flag and an attempt to pre-plan a sexless marriage

This is a red flag. Let's be honest. If you're already pre-planning about not getting laid when you get married, hey, Tebow, hey, when you get married, you're not going to have sex anyways. His whole life, he's had a headache.

Jimmy Kimmel intentionally planned the La La Land / Moonlight Oscar mistake

Even if Jimmy Kimmel didn't plan this, which I think he did, he should be blamed for it for all the shitty Jimmy Kimmel pranks he did in the past.

The Oscars would be better if the celebrities were made gradually more uncomfortable

I would like to watch the Oscars a lot more if instead of treating the celebrities to things, they gradually made them more uncomfortable as the show went on. Like crank the heat up five degrees every hour or something like that. So they were just a big sweaty mess at the end.

Hidden Figures is my lock for Best Picture at the Oscars

Hidden figures... That's what my money's on. Very professionally produced.

Moonlight is the favorite to win Best Picture because Hollywood loves movies about poor people

Moonlight's my favorite to win, and here is why... Hollywood loves movies about poor people. They just love it because it makes [them feel] like, oh, wow, look at these people struggling. We can really relate to that, all of us in our Hollywood bubble. Let's wear tuxedos and talk about poor people.

Hidden Figures is the best movie of the last four to five years

I haven't seen this movie, but I want to see this movie because it looks unbelievable... If they don't give this one the Oscar, I might boycott the Oscars. Yeah, well, it's head and shoulders above anything else that's been made in the last five or six years... I'm giving it a 101 out of 100.

Hidden Figures is a secret prequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey and the Terminator franchise

So it's technically a prequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey. These three women, they invented Hal, the evil computer. And they invented Skynet. This is actually the pre-prequel to Terminator 1 and 2.

Remember the Titans is the best Denzel Washington movie

God, super cliche. But I think Remember the Titans is unbelievable, Denzel.

Actors should only be eligible for Oscars if they are from America

Not to be xenophobic, but I don't think you should be eligible to win an Oscar if you're not from America. I kind of agree. This is our thing. This is our show.

Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is the hottest any woman has ever been in a movie

I'm going Rachel McAdams just because I would throw it out there that Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is like the hottest woman has ever been as a character. She was wifey material there.

Guy Fieri is the closest thing America has to producing its own Jesus

I don't think I'm going overboard when I say it, but Guy Fieri is probably as close as Americans will get to producing our own Jesus.

Jesse Owens should have killed Adolf Hitler at the 1936 Olympics

My Adele do-over is I think that Jesse Owens should have killed Hitler at the 1936 Olympics. Big Jimbo on his part, not taking out the hit stick. We say that Jesse Owens is like one of the greatest Americans, but in reality, he has the deaths of millions on his hands.

'Smooth' by Matchbox 20 and Santana deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award

Can we get a Lifetime Achievement Award for Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas doing 'Smooth' with Carlos Santana? You never hear about Lifetime Achievement Awards for a song. But if there is one, it should absolutely go to 'Smooth'. That song took over a whole summer. Every single time that there's a national sporting event on TV, you can count on 'Smooth' to be one of the transition songs.

CeeLo Green's gold robot costume at the Grammys was a PR stunt to make people forget his legal allegations

CeeLo Green showed up dressed as one of those gold robots... a little PR 101. Get everyone to forget that you may allegedly have date raped some people by dressing up like a robot.

Mark Wahlberg used his sick kid as an excuse to leave the Super Bowl early

That is an unbelievable story, the fact that he got exposed for leaving early and then threw his kid out there. ... The blame aspect is really strong in that.

The movie 'Airplane!' is likely the source of most people's 'first boob' because of its PG rating

I think that Airplane! has got to be up there because it's comedy. It's a PG, and you get people like our age that liked it when we were kids. They let their kids see it, and they forget that there's a boob in it. But there's two boobs, the same woman.

Lady Gaga's Super Bowl halftime performance was stellar

Lady Gaga's halftime performance, which was stellar, by the way. Anyone who hated that, get out of my face. Stop listening to this show.

New England's musical culture is better than Atlanta's in a landslide

If you stack [Boston and Atlanta] up side by side, it's not even close in terms of musical culture. In Boston, you've got Stained. You've got New Kids on the Block. You've got LFO... In Atlanta, you've got Travis Tritt, and that's it... New England in a landslide.

I could beat up Neil deGrasse Tyson

I hate Neil deGrasse Tyson. Hey, Neil, come on this podcast or fight me. One of the two. Fight me, you nerd. You won't. I think I could beat up Neil deGrasse Tyson.

The song 'Bad and Boujee' is overrated

That's another trash opinion, overrated movie... Speaking of bougie, she said 'Bad and Boujee' is overrated. It is. It's overrated. Just because Donald Glover thinks it's hot, all of a sudden it's become the song of a generation. Like, no.

The movie Scarface is overrated

Another trash opinion, overrated movie. It wasn't a box office flop. It was. She doesn't like Scarface.

The contestants on The Bachelor who cried over the Backstreet Boys were faking it

I'm calling bullshit on this. If there's some girls, maybe some girls, like, 1994, 1995 born, they were, like, five years old when Backstreet Boys were big... I feel like that was a try-hard move to start crying for that because they probably don't remember them, right?

Tony Siragusa is a closeted actor because of how much he protests against acting

It sounds to me like he's [Tony Siragusa] got some pent-up latent actor tendencies. It's like homophobes are usually, secretly, they have homosexual tendencies. So it sounds like Tony's just a closeted actor.

The status of the victim determines the difference between being murdered and being assassinated

What's the difference between a murderer and an assassin? Like at what point if I died, like if somebody killed me on purpose, it's like a John Lennon. If I get killed, is that am I assassinated or am I just murdered? It's a total status question.