Takes

The US government will confirm the existence of aliens this week

Aliens might drop this week. Like, like there's aliens might drop this week... [The White House] might confirm the existence of aliens as early as this week. And just be ready for the outcome of that.

Mike Tomlin has to be fired by the Steelers

Regardless of what happens next week, Tomlin's gotta go. I mean, he just gotta go. It's stale. He has a losing record in the playoffs. He refuses, he changes offensive coordinators all the time. Defense coordinators, the seasons all look the same... everything is always the same because it's Mike Tomlin.

The Kansas City Chiefs should just quit for the rest of the season since they are already eliminated

There's never been a team that like deserves to quit more than the Chiefs. They've been playing so much football for the last five years... Patrick Mahomes just tore his ACL. If you're a Chiefs player, listen to this right now. Just fucking quit.

Tucker Kraft is the best tight end in the NFL

Tucker Kraft best tight end in the NFL. I would say let's just, let's just get fucking reckless. That was yeah. Was the last thing we watched and yeah. Did he have 143 yards and two touchdowns and looked absolutely explosive and unguardable? Why not just fucking say it and then next week Sam LaPorta has a great game? No.

The Phillies' loss to the Dodgers is the worst in playoff history since Bill Buckner

It's the worst loss in playoff history since Bill Buckner. He should have gone to first. That is a play that you would be shocked to see on a little league field.

The Patrick Mahomes 'conversation' will be triggered if the Chiefs lose badly to the Ravens

At what point do we have to say there's maybe Mahomes isn't what he was... This is the conversation game. If they lose and it's close, then it's not time for the conversation. Right. But we will have a definitive answer after this game. Yeah. We'll give you your answer on Sunday night.

If the Jets lose to the Buccaneers and their backup offensive line, defensive coordinator Aaron Glenn should be fired

I was saying if, if the, if the defense gets embarrassed by an all backup offensive line... he should probably be [fired]. Must compete. I wanna see a competitive football team.

USF is currently the best team in the country

College football. USF is the best team in the country. Resume. Debate me. USF... Are they the only team that's beaten two ranked opponents? I believe so. So they beat Boise State and then they beat Florida. I think they're, I think you can make the case. They should be ranked higher. Top 10.

Baker Mayfield will be the #1 player in the NFL Top 100 next year

Baker Mayfield has made it to num number 50 spot on the NFL top 100 list... I not being on the list. So math tells me next year he's number one.

The WNBA is likely throwing dildos on their own court for ratings

I have a stay woke. I think the WNBA is throwing dildos onto their own court. Get the ratings up.

Deebo Samuel is fat and slow now

I never said specifically that he was fat. I just referred to him as Fat Deebo. He's fat. He could be also everyone who's going just send screenshots of how fat I am... Fat Deebo rolls off the tongue. At least you got Fat Deebo.

The Knicks have been playing better without Jalen Brunson this series

For some reason, the series, [the Knicks] are just playing better without [Jalen Brunson]. This series. They have been playing better without him when he is off the court.

The Celtics can still win the NBA Championship even without Jayson Tatum

We have a bunch of champions on this team. We still have the Eastern Conference finals MVP, we have the finals MVP we ready to go... I still think we could win the championship, but that's where I'm at is, is just make it as far along in the season as we can because once the off season comes, a lot of things are gonna change.

Alex Ovechkin might actually be 46 years old due to age technicalities with Russian players

The most amazing thing about the Ovy Gold chase is... He could be like 46 years old. Like you never know with Russians. So the fact that he's like, could be a little older is even crazier.

Chernobyl was an inside job by Russia to discourage nuclear energy and protect their gas interests

I had one the other day that actually I completely believe that Chernobyl was on purpose. Everyone was doing nuclear power plants and Russia has a shitload of oil and gas and so they're like, Hey, let's blow up a nuclear PowerPoint plant and scare the fuck outta everyone about nuclear energy. And everyone stopped doing nuclear energy or inside job.

The Lakers are Austin Reaves' team, not Luka's or LeBron's

I'll tell you what, I think it might be Austin Reaves team. Mm.

Jaden Daniels will have an 80% completion rate against Tampa Bay

I'm gonna take Washington. I think Jaden Daniels sniffs 80% completion in that game. I just don't think Tampa Bay's defense is good enough on the perimeter. Hold up with them.

Anything less than winning a Super Bowl is a disappointment for the Eagles

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Anything less than a soupy is a disappointment... Winning a soupy. Gotta win a soupy. Winning a soupy gotta win. It must win.

Scott Turner should win Coordinator of the Year for getting the Raiders to score with their roster

The Raiders are on their fourth, third and fourth running backs. Yeah. And trying to make the whole thing out of, and their third, now they're third quarterback. So Scott Turner, just even getting them to score a point... He should probably be coordinator of the year.

The Jaguars +14 against the Lions is the NFL makes no sense game of the year

I think so. This is like, this is the 'NFL makes no sense' game of maybe the year... NFL makes no sense. There's not like stats behind it. I am very close. But that, but it happens every year. There's always games where it's like, how the fuck did the Lions lose to the Jaguars when the playoffs come?

Mike Tomlin is starting Russell Wilson to prove he's bad and go back to Justin Fields

Mike Tomlin, a man of his word, is like, I know I have a better chance with Justin Fields, but I promised Russell Wilson he's the starter. He's gonna throw him out against the Jets to basically have him suck. And then he's gonna be like, 'See, you guys told me I need to start Russell Wilson. I told Russell Wilson it wasn't his job to lose. He sucks. Justin Fields!'

The Eagles' coaching staff is currently talentless

They are a player led team. It's, it's true... Just coordinators. No head coach. [The coaches] are not talented right now... talent's not something you can just, like, it doesn't go up and down. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a hot and cold thing.

People will stop visiting Orlando entirely if the airport removes its Chili's

I am taking up a new fight. They're changing the Orlando airport and the Chili's is going to be gone in 2025. We're not gonna let this happen... I predict that people are gonna stop visiting Orlando, Florida entirely because of this. There's no amusement found in Orlando [without it].

The Green Bay Packers are considering Colin Kaepernick as a bridge quarterback

Part of My Take is reporting that Colin Kaepernick is in consideration by some to be the Green Bay Packers Bridge quarterback. Yes. So Jordan Love returns.

Oklahoma will finish with a better SEC record than Texas in their first year

Oklahoma finishes with a better SEC record than Texas. I think Jackson Arnold will be a step forward for them... my concerns about Texas are shared.

Nebraska will go 10-2 and compete for a playoff spot

Honestly, man, I think that they could, I think that they could compete this year... I think they could go 10 and two. You gotta think about it when you, if we're going into Ohio State, we're seven and oh... I think Raiola is gonna be a stud. We returned most of the black shirts, top defense last year.

There was a 30% chance Taylor Swift would attend the Beer Olympics

I've heard from multiple reports that Will said there was a 30% chance that Taylor Swift was gonna come to the beer Olympics... You never know. I think there's still a chance she might show up... when Dave was really wasn't on board, he was like, you could get me back. If you get Taylor Swift there. Right. Okay. So we're like, okay, there's a shot.

The 'Uncrustable Diet' is the perfect way to get in shape for age 40

I'm trying a new diet that I think I invented, which is strictly Uncrustables. ... My meal plan is, I eat four Uncrustables a day. ... I think that the Uncrustable is probably the perfect snack. The perfect meal, the perfect everything.

I'm sprinkling a bet on the Timberwolves to be the first team to come back from down 3-0

I may put a little future on the Wolves to be the first team to come back and... Timberwolves plus a thousand. They just can't be any worse. And the thing is, they're not playing good, but they're still building leads into the fourth quarter.

The Celtics will beat the Cavaliers by a cumulative triple-digit point differential in the series

[Hank] is on pace for his triple digits prediction bloodbath for point differential in this series. The Celtics won by 25... we're on pace. This should be a four-one if not 4-0.

Tyrese Maxey is better than Jaylen Brown

I mean, Tyrese Maxey is better than Jaylen Brown for sure. Ooh, for sure. [Hank] would trade Jaylen Brown for Tyrese Maxey immediately.

The Capitals would have won Game 1 if they could remove any three minutes of play

If you take out like three minutes in the second period, we actually tied this game. One. One. ... If you take out that 10 seconds and the two and a half minutes in the second period, the caps actually won. This game one nothing in a series where nobody thought that we could come within three goals of beating the Rangers.

Boeing whistleblower John Barnett did not commit suicide

There was a whistleblower... John Barnett... His body was found the morning of three nine dead. He was allegedly from suicide even though he told his family, if I die, it's not suicide. He was suicided.

The 2024 Masters will have an asterisk because Taylor Gooch wasn't invited

Brooks' teammate on Smash Taylor Gooch was interviewed... and he said he's going to be an asterisk. It's just a reality. Taylor Gooch will always remember as the masters that didn't have Taylor Gooch.

Michael Penix Jr. should be the first quarterback taken in the NFL Draft

Michael Penix [Jr.] should be the first quarterback taking the draft. Michael Penix is so fucking... He was good. Tonight, this might be the best college football performance from a quarterback I've seen in a very long time.

Justin Herbert to the Bears for the #1 pick is the best possible trade

Justin Herbert for the number one pick would be the greatest thing in my life... You know that owner cares about getting fans in that stadium. If they can draft Caleb Williams... and then give the Bears Justin Herbert... I would do that in a second.

Bill Belichick will be the Commanders head coach in 2024

I think what'll happen behind the scenes, over the course of the next six, seven weeks, they'll work out a deal... Watch Bill Belichick to the commanders after the season. I believe it's gonna happen.

Tommy DeVito might be a franchise quarterback

Tommy DeVito might be a franchise quarterback... he now has more touchdown passes than any QB playing in New Jersey this season. That's Zach Wilson. Obviously Aaron Rodgers got hurt. Daniel Jones, Tyrod Taylor. Yeah. Tommy DeVito might be a franchise quarterback.

Sam Howell is a top 12 quarterback in the NFL right now

Sam Howell is firmly the guy. He's my guy. He's our guy. He's the guy in DC... Top 15 Quarterback. Top 15 Quarterback in the NFL. I would say top 12.

Tyrese Maxey is currently the best player in the NBA Eastern Conference

Tyrese Maxey is the best player in the Eastern Conference. Fact or fiction? ... hang the banner of the week. Hang, there's only been one week. If the MVP was given out today, he would win it.

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are going to break up soon

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift... we're gonna break up. Allegedly. She's gotta go back out on tour. Travis has got some rehabbing to do with the injury. Not gonna have as much time. I think, you know, this is kind of the three week honeymoon phase is over.

Giannis Antetokounmpo will eventually play for the Knicks

I still think Giannis is gonna end up on the Knicks... I asked him, because Giannis after the benefit was like, 'You a Bucks fan?' I was like, 'Fuck the Bucks, I'm a Knicks fan.' ...He goes, 'Well you never know where I end up next free agency.' and his brother kind of was like nodding. They wanna be in New York.

Wisconsin will beat Ohio State in Madison

Luke Fickle is building a monster. I stand by that. We're going to beat Ohio State. You hear that right now? Halloween weekend, night game, Madison. We're going to beat Ohio State.

The Dolphins are guaranteed an AFC Championship spot if Tua stays healthy

My overly direct take is that if Tua Tagovailoa stays healthy, his Dolphins are guaranteed a spot in the AFC Championship. Guaranteed. If he stays healthy, fully healthy. If he doesn't miss any games.

The Commanders are a Super Bowl team if they beat the Bills in Week 3

If they [Commanders] win this game, I'm almost thinking soupy [Super Bowl] Big Cat. That's how delusional I'm getting. Why not us?

Aaron Rodgers is having a better year than Deshaun Watson

There's a chance that Aaron Rodgers is having a better year than Deshaun Watson... Sean Watson is very bad.

The Jacksonville Jaguars will represent the AFC in the Super Bowl

Jacksonville's a slam dunk in their division... But here's why. They're, they're a really good team this year to keep an eye on to go to the Super Bowl, which I think they're going to by the way... If they don't win 13 games it's a disaster by the way. They're gonna score 500 points.

Jonathan Taylor will not play at all this season

I would not [draft Jonathan Taylor]. I don't think he's gonna play this season at all. I don't think he's gonna play.

Caleb Williams will win back-to-back Heisman trophies

Caleb Williams is the real fucking deal. ... It's why I think he's the best player in college. It's why I think he'll be the first pick in the draft and it's why I think he's gonna be the first guy to win the Heisman at consecutive years since Archie Griffin.

Miami of Ohio will beat Miami (FL) in their season opener

First time you'll hear this, I think Miami's gonna win... I'm taking Miami [of Ohio].