Takes

Zack Hample is a 100% liar regarding how he obtained his Fort Bragg ticket

I decided to tell the truth and call out the liar and his friends and his family. ... [Zack Hample] is [a liar] absolutely, positively, 100%. And I've given him an opportunity to come clean, and like say, I'm sorry, you know, I made a mistake... He needs to say it because in about a couple of hours, he's going to be proven to be a 100% liar.

Forty percent of women experience male pattern baldness

Hey, but also, small spoiler, 40% of women experience it... male pattern baldness.

Derrick Rose can't dunk anymore

Derek Rose doesn't dunk. He can't dunk anymore. He dunked once last year, and it wasn't even a dunk. He, like, lightly put it over the rim.

Derrick Rose is a 'low-risk, high-reward' trade for the Knicks

I do think it's a low-risk, high-reward. You're never going to get him back all the way. But if you can get, like, 75% of Derrick Rose back, then you're right. It was a good trade. So, I mean, you've got to make that trade if you're the Knicks.

Pre-game Prediction: The Cavaliers will win Game 7 and LeBron James will have a 40-15-10 stat line

Cavs are going to win. LeBron is going to have 40, 15, and 10. Steph Curry, injury talk. Draymond [Green] is going to have a meltdown, probably kick someone in the balls. Cleveland is going to burn to the ground in happiness, and I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life defending Michael Jordan's legacy against LeBron James.

Whoever signs Harrison Barnes to a max deal this offseason—like the Suns—is making a huge mistake

I want to give an advanced thoughts and prayers to whoever signs Harrison Barnes to a max deal this offseason... if we're power ranking, like, which team would be the team to load up on a whole shitload of Harrison Barnes, I'm going to guess the Suns. So thoughts and prayers to the Suns for making a terrible decision.

The Ducks will play the Capitals in the 2018 Stanley Cup Final and Ovechkin will be on the Ducks

I've got the Ducks and the Capitals. Ducks and Caps. And Ovechkin's not on the team anymore, by the way. Ovechkin's on the Ducks.

Phil Kessel will celebrate a Stanley Cup win by eating whatever he wants all summer, possibly filling the Cup with queso or hot dog water

Phil Kessel, though, you think he eats now. If he's a Stanley Cup champion, you can eat whatever you want for the rest of the summer... I wouldn't be shocked if that was a story that came out in a couple months or, like I said, just some hot dogs. Like some good old hot dog water and some boiled hot dogs.

Destin is a better play to win the Belmont Stakes than Exaggerator

Destin, who ran in the Kentucky Derby, didn't have the best of trips... Todd Pletcher trains him. Now he gives him five weeks off, and he brings him back to the Belmont fresh. And I think that makes a horse like Destin a much better play than a horse like Exaggerator.

Cavaliers fans should be rooting for Kevin Love to miss time with his concussion

Kevin Love is seemingly concussed. And if you're a Cavs fan, are you rooting for Love to miss time? I think you are... because he's such a bad fit for this series and playing anyone on defense that I might want Kevin Love not around.

Aqib Talib can extend his career by seven years by capitalizing on his shooting incident

Tlaib may have just extended his career by like seven years. Because now he can get that really sappy E30 with Jeremy Schaap... A second chance is worth like two more contracts. So smart move on Tlaib's part, getting shot, because now he gets like an opportunity to prove himself again.

LeBron James will have to move cities or fire his team if the Cavs lose the Finals

It looks like LeBron [James] is going to either have to move cities again or fire his whole team.

Russell Westbrook will win scoring titles but only lead the Thunder to the 8th seed without Kevin Durant

I want Westbrook to shine. I want Westbrook to shoot like 60 shots a game... I think it's time for Westbrook to just be the superstar he is and score average like 40 points a game and barely get the Thunder into the playoffs like the eighth seed.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.

The Cavaliers will beat the Raptors and face the Thunder in the NBA Finals

So we got the Cavs are going to win. They're going to most likely face the Thunder. [PFT: Oh, you want to get in this?] No, let's do Tressel, then we're going to get to it. I'm just saying that was a bold statement you just made.

The 2003 Fiesta Bowl was won by a bad call in regulation, not the controversial pass interference in overtime

Go back to the film and look at the end of regulation when they said Chris Gamble didn't stay in bounds or whatever. The game should have ended in regulation. So the real bad call was that one... I think if you look at it [the PI call], the guy was mugged.

Viagra creates 'robotic' boners that feel like a lead pipe in your pants

I've heard they're robotic boners. I hear you have a lead pipe in your pants. I'm curious to see if it's something that happens.

Every single person in the state of Indiana takes Carb Day off to drink all day

Friday is Carb Day, which... they described to me. They said every single person in the state of Indiana takes a day off and comes and drinks all day.

The Cavs vs. Raptors series is over and I'm not watching another second of it

This series is going to be brutal to watch. Maybe the Raptors play close for four quarters in Toronto for one game, but I don't even give them that... the Cavs are locked in. They're on a different level right now. So this series is over as far as I'm concerned.

Elena Delle Donne will take the proverbial next step and be even better for the Sky this year

I think we're going to see the next step from EDD [Elena Delle Donne] this year. So I'm very excited about that. I'm excited for the [Chicago] Sky to take the proverbial next step.

The 2022 World Cup Final will be Argentina vs. Spain

I'm going to go Argentina-Spain [for the 2022 Men's World Cup].

The best way to beat the Warriors is to put Kawhi Leonard on Steph Curry

You have Kawhi Leonard guard Stephen Curry and basically make everybody else beat you... while Leonard is not as good a defender as Curry is an offensive player, he's as close as anybody in this league is going to get.

The 2016 Cubs are the best team in MLB history and will sweep the World Series

I think this might be the best baseball team in the history of Major League Baseball, and I think that there's no chance that anything bad could happen to them this year. Like, they're going to cruise. I think it's going to be four-game sweep in the World Series.

London beer is served at room temperature except for Guinness

If you do go to London... they don't serve cold beer. It's all room temperature. So actually they have ice cold Guinness so hopefully you like Guinness. It's the only time I think I ever drink Guinness when I go to London.

Bret Bielema is succeeding at Arkansas more than I expected

I was a skeptic when they hired Bret Bielema because in the SEC, Arkansas is not going to out-recruit Alabama and Auburn and LSU. ... But I got to say, Bielema has proven me wrong a few times. ... He's succeeding more than I thought he would there.

Sudden Breaking News will be running faster than any other horse at the finish line

There's a horse... his name is Sudden Breaking News. I promise you, he may not win, he may not finish second, he may not finish third. But when the horses cross the finish line, he'll be running faster than any horse in the race.

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Challenge

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Water Challenge. ... If you just challenge and no one accepts it, then it never works. ... You're listening to the guy who started the Ice Bucket Challenge.

RG3's Real Trademark Is Not Playing Smart

Your real trademark is that you don't play smart. So stop or your punch clock at Kmart.

RG3 Goes 4-12 Unless He Comes On The Podcast

Spoiler alert: RG3 goes 4 and 12. Unless he comes on the podcast, then he goes 10 and 6 and make the playoffs.

The Eagles deserve a C+ for their 2016 draft because they didn't move up for a wide receiver

If I had to give the Eagles a draft grade, I would give them a solid C+. Why? Because I strongly feel like even though they traded their picks up and they drafted Carson Wentz, who I think's a fucking G, I feel like they could have made a move and traded up to get into the second round and get a wide receiver.

Drinking Rockin' Refuel without working out will make you put on a lot of weight

You put on a lot of weight if you just not work out with all that protein. So I think you have to do a little bit of something.

Carson Wentz's corny Twitter presence is a major red flag

You got to watch out for guys like this who are just like a little too corny on Twitter. It's like the – it's like – what's it called? Draft Day. Great movie, by the way. What's he hiding?

Rex Ryan should consider being Donald Trump's Vice President because he won't be coaching the Bills in four years

Rex Ryan might want to consider being Donald Trump's vice president because that's a four year job and there's no way he's going to be coach of the bills in four years.

Ice is the great equalizer that allows for upsets in the NHL

It's because ice is the great equalizer. That's the X factor right there. Anytime you get people on slippery substances, you open the door for a big upset, which is why I love the NHL.

I am on a hot streak of fixing things around the house

In the last year or so, I got hot. I was touching things, and instead of breaking them, I was fixing them... I've even amazed myself. And you know what the key to it is? It's like anything else. When you get a little more confident, I'm willing to take a chance that I won't break what I'm trying to fix.

I have become a whiz at the computer recently

I've become a wizard at the computer. I really have. I turn it on. I can shut it off. I did something because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning and I bet neither one of you would realize that I have Wi-Fi in this condo.

Janet Jackson is selfish for canceling her tour to have a family

She cancels her fucking show because she says she wants to have a family, and she wants to concentrate on that with her husband. ... Selfish. She cancels her show for some dick. ... Not only did she cancel her show, she didn't refund her fans the tickets that they bought.

Peanuts are the most underrated ballpark snack and they are actually healthy because they are pure protein.

I'm also a big peanuts guy. I think peanuts are very underrated. I know that also when I eat peanuts, I tell myself they're not, like, unhealthy because, you know, nuts. It's protein. ... Whereas, like, I'll eat a whole bag of peanuts at the park, and I know there's probably 2000 calories and like 17 grams of sodium but that's okay in my head i think it's healthy.

North Carolina is untouchable if they continue to hit three-pointers

UNC, the way to beat them is that they don't make threes, and for some reason they're making threes... if they're shooting like that, yeah, no one's touching them... If they shoot like they are, they're untouchable.

Robert Griffin III performs best when there are no expectations

He performs really well when he has low expectations. So I think it's a good fit for that. Like he went to Baylor. Nobody expected him to do shit at Baylor. Played well there. Played well his first year in Washington. I mean, nobody expects a Redskins quarterback to be very good. And then once they got to the playoffs, all of a sudden he had expectations.

Wisconsin will probably beat Notre Dame and then lose in a tragic, heartbreaking fashion

They'll probably beat Notre Dame and then maybe... be up by 10 against UNC. And I'm like, oh, man, I cannot believe the Badgers are going back to the Final Four. And then there'll be tragedy and heartbreak. And people will be sending me mean tweets.

Indiana winning the Big Ten was a nightmare because it saved Tom Crean's job

This was my nightmare as an Indiana fan... now they're probably going to lose to Kentucky in the second round... And then people that like Crean are going to say, Oh, but they lost to the final four Kentucky team... It's a weird position to be in when you're kind of cheering for them to lose. So that way you just fire Tom Crean.

Oregon is the weakest 1-seed but has an easy path thanks to Duke being in their bracket

Oregon's definitely the weakest one seed, but then you've got to look at their bracket. Because they were blessed to have Duke in their bracket, the committee always gives Duke the easy ride. By proxy, Oregon also got the easy ride.

I'm going to rethink my strategy and start filming my box jumps to get signed

I've seen JJ Watt do box jump videos. He's going to the Hall of Fame. I've done a lot of box jumps, but I just never filmed them. I'm totally willing to rethink my whole strategy... I'm going to walk right by whoever the head coach is, just go straight into the weight room and just start doing box jumps, not say a word to anybody.

The Cleveland Browns are smarter to do nothing in free agency than to fail spectacularly again

I think the Browns are just playing the game where they fucked up so bad in the past and everything that they've done that not doing anything is actually a smarter move than trying to do something and failing because you can't stay still. You're going to piss off your fans for about six months if you don't do anything in free agency. But a fan's not going to remember that like a year from now.

If John Skipper couldn't get the Chargers to move to L.A., he won't be able to stop our podcast

[John Skipper] is the guy that couldn't even get the Chargers to move up to L.A. I don't think that he's going to be able to get our podcast up there.

The Raiders will get good and then immediately move to L.A., totally screwing over the city of Oakland.

I think what's what's going to happen is you're going to see the Raiders get really good... or start to get good and then move to L.A. right as they get good and totally screw over the city of Oakland.

Chris Jones' NFL Combine wardrobe malfunction will ultimately work in his favor

Everyone knows his name. I think that that actually is gonna work in his favor. This is probably the best possible way to let the whole world know. Like, hey, it is, I'm just, I'm about to become an NFL player, make millions of dollars and Oh yeah. Did you see my [genitals] flop out of the pants?

Derrick Rose is in a permanent state of being so hurt that he's actually injured

With Derrick Rose. I, I say he is injured by a thousand hertz. Like he's gotten hurt so many times that it's all like just one big injury for him right now at this point. His body is just in a permanent state of being so hurt that it's injured... His mind, body and soul.

Pardon My Take Will Do Airport Reviews

We're gonna do airport reviews. We're gonna review airports.