Takes

The rivalry between Bryson DeChambeau and Brooks Koepka is great for the game of golf

For the first time in a long time, it looks like [Brooks] has an actual rival. It's good for golf. ... Having rivalry and pressure really brings all the best qualities out of Brooks that we know and love.

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

LeBron James calling DK Metcalf 'Baby Bron' is the lamest thing ever

How come we didn't talk about this earlier? DK? LeBron James posting a story on his Instagram referring to DK Metcalf as baby Bron. Lamest thing ever. This guy's really good. He's baby Bron? I would be so pissed off if I was DK Metcalf.

LeBron James is officially the second-best basketball player of all time

I still think MJ's better but like LeBron is incredible. Yeah, he's won four titles. What can you say? ... He's the second best player of all time. That's really nice honesty.

Erik Spoelstra is the only reason LeBron James won championships in Miami

Spoelstra's a very good coach. Honestly I'm a huge advocate of Spoelstra and he's the only reason that LeBron James ever won those championships in Miami in the first place.

Jimmy Butler is a top-five player in the NBA right now

Jimmy Butler could be top-five player ever ever. I thought I'd play right now. Absolutely.

Bronny James Jr. is better at smoking weed than I am

I would say I would say something like that. Yeah, smoking the nuggets pack. He's better at smoking weed than I am. Oh, he's what, 16 years old? He's great at smoking.

The return of 'crisp air' is the best feeling for big guys

The crisp air is all the way back. I like it. When you're a bigger guy, it looks like a big dog getting their life back when the crisp air comes. I feel like I could just run, I have the Zoomies. I hope someday, many years from now when I die, it's just sitting outside in the crisp air.

Tesla for Tables: A self-leveling table technology

Tesla for tables... the table itself feels the surface around it and then adjusts so that there's never any wobble... every restaurant I go to has a set of wobbly table. All those tables wobble.

A Nathan Peterman implosion is a peak football viewing experience

I remember where I was when Nathan Peterman imploded, right? And that's all you can hope for out of a football game.

Mystery teams in MLB trade rumors are never actually real

I don't think these mystery teams ever real. Swooping in last-second franchise mode... I guess the mystery team is now the front-runner.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

Derrick Rose's new Yeezy shoes look like a cartoon fish skeleton

The ye ziddi roses... It looks like a fish in a cartoon after they eat it. Pretty much... like a herringbone that's been sucked dry by a cartoon cat.

Under Armour shoe designers get their design inspiration from the $10 shoe aisle at Walmart

I think the Under Armour shoe designer just goes to Walmart and sees like all the, you know, the $10 shoes you can buy at Walmart and the star berries are there... and says cool, I'm just going to model all my shoes off of this.

A personal family physician should not be the one clearing Alex Smith to return to football

Alex Smith's personal doctor cleared him to resume football activities, which I don't think any personal doctor should ever clear you to be like, 'Hey, go out there and just play football.' That doesn't seem like something that a family physician would do. I actually don't think that doctor is now sending him to... Dr. Nick.

Nobody actually wants a real dad bod

Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down, no one actually wants dad bods. They want the Zac Efron six pack dad bod... reality is if you have a true dad bod you're just really tired all the time because your metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight.

LeBron James is driven to drink by having to play with Javale McGee, JR Smith, and Dwight Howard

I don't understand why LeBron James is driven to drink if he has to play with those three guys [Javale McGee, JR Smith, Dwight Howard]. Well, yes, yes sheesh.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

Lacrosse is legitimate tribal warfare

Lacrosse is sick, like everyone is looking at Lacrosse wrong, like Lacrosse is just like legitimately trying Tribal Warfare in the mud... Tribal Warfare is back in form of Lacrosse.

College coaches who claim they don't know what's happening in their programs are lying

Every coach that has ever coached in college basketball or football is the biggest control freak you've ever met. They know everything. They know everything that goes on. Everything that goes on on campus, no matter what.

Going to space isn't impressive because we've already done it a lot

I think it's cool that we've done it 100,000 times already... We went to the moon in the 60s. Technology has advanced a long way. We're not going to learn anything new from Elon Musk going to the moon. It's just for him to pat himself on the back.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

You cannot eat soup while wearing shorts; it's a fundamental rule

It's either short season or it's soup season. I thought about ordering soup yesterday, and I was like, it's a little too hot out. I'm wearing shorts. There's no overlap there. You can't eat soup while wearing shorts. You just can't. It doesn't go together. You can eat a popsicle.

The lawsuit against Zion Williamson for allegedly receiving money to attend Duke is cloud chasing

Zion Williamson's former marketing agent has served request for admission in their lawsuit, asking him to admit that he received money... She's cloud chasing, yeah.

Fear porn has become the number one industry in America

I'm sick of letting everyone—fear porn has become the number one industry in America right now. I'm done letting fear take over my life. I'm done with being scared about random things that get posted in a New York Times article just so that everyone can send it around to each other.

Taysom Hill would have won the Saints' playoff game if he had played the whole time

[Taysom Hill] would have won the playoffs if he had been playing the whole game... Best player on the field against the Vikings fact, according to the Troy Aikman and everyone who had eyes.

I am 'Team J' in the Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari divorce

I'm team J. I don't know anything, I literally don't know anything, but I'm team J. ... That's my quarterback. Frat bros gotta stick together... I am team J forever and always unless noted he gets arrested for a felony.

Breaking Bad is the best show of all time

I did the same thing that you did with Game of Thrones with Breaking Bad and I'm never really watched that show ever... it's the best show of all time.

Every major sports team should play one 'secret game' a year that is only broadcast in the event of a global pandemic

My idea is that every single year going forward... every single team in every major sport... have to play one secret game a year that no one will talk about will sign NDAs in case of like this where sports just stop we can play it. Think about being able to just pull up all of a sudden you're watching MJ in the Bulls in their prime and you're like that game never existed until I'm just watching it now. There should absolutely be a secret stash of games out there that are ready and never been [seen] in case of an emergency.

Kyrie Irving is a coach killer who got Kenny Atkinson fired

My other whose back is coach killer Kyrie. Oh, so Kenny Atkinson who was many people were saying was one of the better coaches last year took a young group... He got fired yesterday and people are saying it's Kyrie and KD... Kyrie change seventh head coach in nine NBA season Kyrie Irving.

Kevin Ollie is the worst coach to ever win a National Championship

I assume Kevin Ollie's still looking for a job somewhere worst coach ever to win a National Title.

Tim Tebow is nowhere near the most famous baseball player in the world.

I disagree. [Tebow] is not. Mike Trout, Bryce Harper probably is more famous. Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez... there's a lot of people. Every now and again, an NFL writer likes to flex their muscles by being like, 'Tim Tebow is our guy.' He's just been playing baseball for four years and just sucks.

1917 was a better movie than Parasite

I did like 1917 more, but Parasite was just as good. Like it was one of those—let the record show, 1917 was better.

Kyle Shanahan is officially a choker

I want to be the first to say that I'm going to resist the 'Kyle Shanahan isn't clutch' movement. I'm going to be the first to say that I will embrace the 'Kyle Shanahan is a choker' movement.

The NFL should implement the XFL's 4th-and-15 onside kick alternative rule

They tried out the Mike Florio rule where you get a one passing down fourth and 15 and you try to make a first down instead of an onside kick... it's a great rule by the way. They should absolutely implement it.

Bryson DeChambeau worries too much about angles and should just play golf

He does like the compass and the he does like all the math behind his shots. Just go out and shoot the ball, dude, maybe if you stop thinking about it, you'd be like Brooks [Koepka] and wind shit... You worry too much about angles buddy.

Conor McGregor is officially back after his 40-second knockout of Donald Cerrone

My whose back is Conor McGregor? He's back. He's so fucking Back. 40 seconds. Cowboys around 40 seconds. Peace, he's back the shoulder straps invented.

If it were 400 years ago, David Baker would be the king of Europe based on his size alone

David Baker, the biggest man, the largest human being that's ever been created... he would be a king 400 years ago. He would have been the king of all of Europe, just by size.

Josh McDaniels staying in New England is a beta move

Josh McDaniels is back in New England... He brought his wife with him to his interview. Kind of a beta move... Apparently, they went out for lunch at some country club with Haslam... and it was a guys-only place. So his wife had to go out to lunch [elsewhere].

Derrick Henry would rush for 400 yards in an NFL game if given 57 carries

If he played the worst team in the NFL, he could probably get, if he ran him 57 times, he could probably get 400 yards.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

Michigan football is a myth that is not on the same level as Ohio State or Alabama.

I'm actually kind of agree just because the Michigan myth is one of the greatest myths going in all of college sports. They have won half a national title in the last 60 years. And they make you think that they matter and that they're on the level of Alabama and USC and Ohio State and Clemson even now. ... realistic Michigan fans probably were like... We aren't going to get better.

Coaching is the only job in the world that is truly recession-proof.

Coaching is the only job that's recession-proof. Because if the rich guys [boosters] lose money, they're not going to buy out, so every coach is safe. You want to be in nursing homes and coaching.

Fall is the best season and the perfect time of year

My who's back is fall weather. This weekend was like the perfect fall weather and this is the time you can mark your calendar... that first weekend where it's so good. It was a perfect 60 degrees outside.

Wind is terrifying and has almost no benefits

I hate wind because wind scares me. I'm anti-wind and the wind is always bad. Name one good thing wind has ever done besides sailboats? Sailing, I don't do it. I'd rather be a motorboat.

Rafa Nadal is the GOAT of tennis

Rafa's the GOAT. He won the U.S. Open, which means he now has five major titles since his 30th birthday, the most by any person.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis

He [Djokovic] also probably wanted to let Nadal and Federer and Wawrinka can play each other. One of you idiots can win while the GOAT rests up his shoulder.

Don't ever show up to a scheduled orgy

Once you schedule an orgy, don't show up to a scheduled orgy... because every dude, it's like going to Fyre Fest... it's just a bunch of finance bros from New York who are a little overweight... Little life hack. Don't show up to a scheduled orgy. Orgies just happen.

I only like Kirk Herbstreit when he acts as Lee Corso's guide

It's the only time that I like Kirk Herbstreit is when he's being Lee Corso's guide. I don't want to say seeing eye dog, but he's helping him with his sentences and finishing his thoughts for him. And that's the only time that I will ever like Kirk Herbstreit is when he's lending a hand like that.