Takes

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

The Timberwolves will upset the Rockets or Warriors if they make the playoffs

I got a take that if the Timberwolves make the playoffs, they're going to upset someone. Either the Rockets or the Warriors.

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler is incompetent and trying to get fired

I don't think we've ever seen someone become a baseball manager that doesn't know what the fuck he's doing whatsoever... Everyone's got to follow Gabe Kapler because I think this is the first time ever where someone got a job they didn't want and they're trying to get fired.

The Los Angeles Rams are going to suck and miss the playoffs despite their talent

I think the Rams are going to suck. They have too much talent... They're a surefire lock to win the NFC West, possibly go to the Super Bowl. They're going to miss the playoffs.

I believe the guy who claims to be Bill Clinton's son

He's definitely Bill Clinton's son... I've seen the tweets. The story adds up. I've done the research.

Miles Bridges doesn't have a versatile game and is just a jump shooter

Everybody tells me how good Miles Bridges is, right? He's great. And I've said he doesn't really have a game. He's a jump shooter. He's a really nice kid... but how – if you're supposed to be an NBA lottery pick... you've got to be able to go in the middle of a zone.

Pooping with the door open is an alpha move

I love pooping with the door open. That's a real man thing. Because you have a master of your domain kind of thing. I'm watching over everything while I take a shit.

Josh Allen pushing the revolving door proves he is an alpha leader, while Sam Darnold is a beta

I'm going to say that it was probably Josh Allen who pushed because guess what? He's a leader. And when he sees a problem, he fixes it. So Sam Darnold, way to be a beta, bro. Hey, Sam Darnold, you're just going to let robots run your life?

I would punch myself in the balls 12 times to get Saquon Barkley on the Bears

I would punch myself in the balls 12 times for Saquon Barkley to magically just be on the Bears. Just magically. You just compile, you know, you trust the process, like Ryan Pace told us.

I will hit a home run (or at least reach the warning track) in my professional baseball debut

I plan on hitting a home run. ... I'll hit one at least at a warning track. ... I'll go $10,000 to a charity if I don't get one.

Kansas and Arizona are the two schools most at risk in the FBI scandal

The FBI scandal, the thing that no one talks about is I think Kansas and Arizona are the two schools most at risk, but your boys down at Duke, I'd be nervous if I were them because Jeff Capel kind of buddies with those with these dudes that are implicated in the FBI.

LeBron James' tears after winning the Cleveland championship were fake

I'm not a huge LeBron fan. I feel like he's very calculated. I felt like when he cried after he won it for Cleveland, he felt like he had to cry because MJ cried when he came back and did his thing and it made it emotional. Fake tears.

Ex-Patriot players won't speak the truth about how much they hated playing for Belichick

What do you think they're going to say? I can hate it there. No, I won Super Bowls. We had a great time. They're not going to badmouth their coach. They're not going to say what they really want to say. Do you think that's going to happen? Hell no.

The Bulls would secure the #1 pick if they played Cameron Payne 48 minutes a night

The Bulls have a secret weapon. They're bringing back Cameron Payne, who's the best. If they just play him 48 minutes a night, the Bulls will get the first pick. I'm guaranteeing that.

Carson Wentz proposing to his girlfriend right after the Super Bowl was a smart move to protect his job

Did you see Carson Wentz propose to his girlfriend today too? ... That's actually really smart on Wentz's part because his job is being questioned by some people. And the person who may have taken your job [Nick Foles] also is packing an absolute unit. And so you have to lock that shit down.

Wisconsin football will never be relevant no matter how many games they win

Wisconsin could win 400 games in a row. Miami goes on a four-game win streak. [Miami is more relevant]. That's why it's a joke. No one cares about Wisconsin. People have nostalgic bullshit [for Miami].

Nebraska is back because Scott Frost is hospitalizing players with Rabdo

Nebraska is back. Nebraska is back in a very, very big way. Scott Frost just implemented his conditioning program at Nebraska. And he got two players were hospitalized... with Rabdo, which means they're building up some muscles out there. That's a culture change.

Mitchell Trubisky is going to light it up in the NFL under Matt Nagy

Matt [Nagy] is killer. I mean, I think Mitchell Trubisky's going to light it up. I think he's going to love it. I think they're going to do a bunch, put him in great situations. A lot of RPOs. I think he's a decent athlete, right? Do some fun stuff with him. Oh, yeah. We're going to have fun.

George W. Bush is the Josh Allen of presidents

George W. Bush... America loves the guy now. He is back in a bit. He's got he's the Josh Allen of presidents. The longer he goes without playing well, the better he becomes. And the more he goes up people's big boards.

Doug Peterson is a quarterback whisperer and the real reason Carson Wentz was successful

I think that Carson Wentz is not as good as people think he is. And it's actually Doug Peterson is a QB whisperer. Because he's had enough time now, and Nick Foles looked... He was doing everything that Carson Wentz had done earlier in the year in that game against the Vikings. And I think it's not an aberration.

Zion Williamson has high school explosiveness, not NBA explosiveness

I'm going to squat on a Zion Williamson take. I'm going to say he doesn't have NBA explosiveness. Even though he has like a dunk video where he's just dunking. I'm going to say he has high school explosiveness, not NBA explosiveness.

No short quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl

If you are walking on the street and someone says, hey, I love Baker Mayfield, you say, hey, Josh Allen's tall. You've got to see over your offensive line. No short quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl.

Christian McCaffrey will be a wide receiver in two years

[Christian McCaffrey] is going to be a receiver. No, he's not... A million bucks is the bet... He's going to line up more as a receiver in two years than a running back... Next year he's not going to be listed as a running back.

Case Keenum is a Kurt Warner in the making

I think Case Keenum has proven that he's actually just really good. He's just a good quarterback. He's a Kurt Warner in making. Thanks to Jeff Fisher and his tutelage, he has evolved into an elite quarterback.

Tua Tagovailoa will win four or five Super Bowls

Oh, without a doubt. First ballot Hall of Fame for Tua. College and pro. I think you've got to put him up there, four or five [Super Bowls]. He's pretty damn good, though.

Matt Patricia's clown-nosed Goodell shirt may keep him from a head coaching job

He wore that clown nose shirt coming off the plane, and it pissed off the commissioner. And as of July, the commissioner was still pissed... I could see an effort by 345 Park Avenue to steer the Lions away from Patricia... That clown-nosed shirt may keep Matt Patricia at New England for years to come.

Blake Bortles and Jimmy Garoppolo are the two best quarterbacks in the NFL

Jacksonville versus the Niners, the hot Niners. That's a huge one. I said earlier on Larry's picks, this is the as-we-all-expected game because Blake Bortles and Jimmy Garoppolo are the two best quarterbacks in the NFL right now, as we all expected.

Bitcoin will be worth nothing within a year

The other not-so-optimistic side, I guess, would be that in about six months or a year, [Bitcoin] will be worth nothing... I know you guys don't want to hear that, especially Dan and a relative of mine, but who knows what's going to happen with that.

Football will be in danger of disappearing in 50 to 60 years due to safety and science

I would say like 50, 60 years down the road [football is in danger], because if you look at the science and getting more and more clear on it, that this is a, it's an extremely dangerous sport... And the reason why we fell in love with football was because it was very violent in nature. And you love those big hits. And the science keeps coming, and the rules keep digressing.

The NCAA system for athletes is a form of indentured servitude

No, that's indentured servitude. If you go to Google, just look up indentured servitude and you'll find that exact definition... The NCAA is the only establishment where their interns are their product. It's the most ridiculous, backwards, twisted system of in existence.

Any head coach who goes 0-16 should be permanently disqualified from coaching again

I personally think if you go 0-16 as an NFL head coach, you should be permanently disqualified from ever being a head coach again for any team.

Derek Jeter is a sleeper cell/traitor to the Marlins

Derek Jeter still works for the Yankees. I don't even think that's a hot take to say that... Because it's commonly accepted as the fact that Derek Jeter is a traitor to the Marlins organization.

Trump is like Machiavelli

I gave a, yeah... Trump is like Machiavelli... The Little Prince.

The Chargers will be the best team to not make the playoffs this season

I'm taking the Chargers, minus four, the best team to not make the playoffs. ... I stand by that. They have an unbelievable pass rush. Phil Rivers, they almost win every single game. They're going to be the best team that doesn't make the playoffs.

Crime reports should always include which sports team the criminal supports

Every time a crime's committed in America, every time there's a report about it in the news, they should just say what teams the people who committed the crimes liked. That'd be great. ... It just adds like a little bit of levity to every headline that you get. Like Steelers fan murdered his whole family. ... Classic Steelers. So funny.

Tom Izzo is an overrated basketball coach

It's also the start of Coach Izzo's overrated season. We were the first ones on that bandwagon like a year and a half ago, so I'm going to restake my claim on that.

Papa John and Jerry Jones are conspiring to get Roger Goodell fired

Papa John is running the NFL... He wants to get Roger Goodell fired... Jerry Jones is the leading franchise owner of Papa John's Pizzas... he's teaming up with Papa John to go after Goodell... trying to convince other sponsors to take money away from the NFL, therefore sinking Roger Goodell as commissioner.

Steph Curry would not be as successful if NBA refs allowed the physicality of college basketball

You think if they let – If they let guys in the NBA handle Steph Curry the way they handle college kids in college, he'd be able to do what he does? Absolutely not.

John Gruden to Tennessee is happening because his skin tone matches the school's colors

John Gruden's face is the perfect match for the Feng Shui of Knoxville... I'm feeling the groomers more than I ever have felt the groomers. I'm feeling them in my plums.

Colin Kaepernick and Arian Foster struggle because they are vegans

Kaepernick is a vegan, how can you, like, look at all the vegans, look at Arian Foster. He's out of the NFL now because he's a vegan. [Arian Foster's hamstring fell off] because he's a vegan.

Drinking alcohol makes you smarter by killing your weakest brain cells first

when you drink enough, it actually kills brain cells. That's a fact... If you kill brain cells, it's targeting the smaller, weaker brain cells first. Like a buffalo herd, and if you get rid of the weak ones, then it makes your brain function more efficiently.

Theo Epstein's Cubs strategy includes installing black mold in the visitor's clubhouse

If you know anything about Theo Epstein, his plan is to draft impact bats, find pitchers in the free agent market, and install black mold in the visitor's clubhouse.

The 0-5 Giants could still end up going 11-5

All their games have been one-score games, so they could be 5-0. They could very well be 5-0... Could they end up going 11-5?

LeBron James moving to the Lakers is just him copying my move to LA

I love Ohio. A lot of people say that. But when LeBron leaves Ohio for L.A., he's going to be copying me. I'm just getting out ahead of it a little bit. I'm the first person to ever move from the Midwest to Los Angeles for career opportunities.

Tom Brady is right that drinking water prevents sunburns because fish never get sunburned

Tom Brady has actually – he's the scientist who has found the nourishing effects of water. Well, I'd like to point out that I've never seen a sunburned fish in my life, and they are just surrounded by water all the time.

Tony Romo is driving NFL ratings down by spoiling the games

I think he's driving the ratings down because you're not going to go... People turn off the TV right as he says [the play]. They know what's going to happen. It's like right when Napster came out, people stopped going to the record store and buying CDs. Why would you buy the cow if you can get the milk for free from Tony?

Fantasy owners should be able to suspend their own players from real-life games

As a fantasy football owner, if I owned Odell Beckham, I think that it should be within my right to actually suspend him. From real games. If a high enough percentage of Odell Beckham Jr.'s fantasy football owners are mad at him for doing something, then let's say above 65%.

Thin Andy Reid might be better than Bill Belichick

Thin Andy Reid—maybe all the fat was the dumb stuff that made him call timeouts at inopportune times. Thin Andy Reid might be better than Bill Belichick. Two and one. The Chiefs are two and one under Andy Reid against the Patriots.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

The Giants will beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl this year

I think the Giants are going to have an amazing year. I got the Giants playing the Patriots in the Super Bowl. I got the Giants winning the Super Bowl.