Takes

LeBron James could be the fastest sprinter in the world if he wanted to

You have to imagine that if LeBron James wanted to, he could be the fastest sprinter in the world.

Donald Trump is trying to lose the election to start a cable news network

I'm so convinced that [Trump's] trying to lose. And if you think about it, it sets up perfectly for him to lose. He has somebody to blame, press, the other Republicans... He then can go back, start his own cable TV news network, employ his children on each one of the shows, won't have to do the heavy lifting that's involved in being president... He said something today about the fact that it wouldn't be so bad if he lost. It wouldn't be the end of the world. That's the first little step.

Any adult male with no wife or kids who is a 'gymnastics enthusiast' is a 'pre-crime' suspect

I feel like there's just always like a few creepy dudes hanging around the gymnast. If you're a gymnastics enthusiast and that's where the line stops, like you have no personal connection to the sport, you just really like it. Maybe just watch on TV. No wife, no kids. But you do love your women's gymnastics. That's what we call a little pre-crime.

The U.S. will win a World Cup in the next 10 years

First question for you, Landon, will the U.S. win a World Cup in the next 10 years? [Landon]: Yes.

Warren Sapp staged his shark attack to get back into the national media spotlight

Connect the dots. Warren Sapp doesn't have a job right now... Best way to get yourself back in the national media spotlight without saying, 'Hey, I want a job,' get attacked by a shark. ... I'm just saying, do we know what that shark looked like? No... That's for sure a fake shark. Truther Warren Sapp did not get bit by a shark. He rigged this whole thing.

MLB teams should be limited to 30 fastballs per game

I think teams should only get 30 fastballs a game. ... The art of pitching, the finesse of pitching, Greg Maddux, come on. I mean, he wasn't throwing 105 miles an hour.

Bill Russell is better than LeBron James

Hank you actually had speaking of hot takes hank didn't you say bill russell was better than lebron? yeah that's right... I'm not ruling [Russell beating LeBron one-on-one] out by any means.

Zack Hample Is Jeffrey Maier With A Blog

Zack you a joke, I'll put you down like a dog. You Jeffrey Maier with a blog.

Zack Hample Is A USA-Hating Trespassing Traitor

You a USA hater, trespassing traitor. Meet me in the streets you law violator.

Marlins Man Is Not A Man, A Fan, Or A Veteran

You not a man, a fan or a veteran. So fight me bitch, or let it be.

Pokemon Go is a CIA government conspiracy to track data and map building interiors

Seriously, though, Pokemon Go is a government conspiracy, and I don't know why anyone... my last one was basically Pokemon Go has somewhere sitting with the CIA and they're saying, huh, how do we get inside people's buildings?... Let's just throw a squirtle right by someone's refrigerator. Picture.

Portugal was a better soccer team without Cristiano Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final

I'm going to go with hurt because he actually made the team better. I think the question has to be asked now, like, was Cristiano Ronaldo actually holding Portugal back? So better team without him. Kind of like the whole Steph Curry situation where the boys, the lads on the pitch just really opened up the game and the spacing was better.

There is no point in having children in 2016 unless you can get retweets out of them

There's no reason to have kids in 2016 unless you can get some retweets out of them. Kids, when you get down to it, if they're not making content for you, like why did you even have sex? ... If you have a child that's not cute enough to cry on camera for retweets, what's even the point of having the kid?

Zack Hample is a 100% liar regarding how he obtained his Fort Bragg ticket

I decided to tell the truth and call out the liar and his friends and his family. ... [Zack Hample] is [a liar] absolutely, positively, 100%. And I've given him an opportunity to come clean, and like say, I'm sorry, you know, I made a mistake... He needs to say it because in about a couple of hours, he's going to be proven to be a 100% liar.

The Rio Olympics tragedies are a marketing strategy by Brazil

The only way to remind people that the Olympics are coming is to continually have tragedies and threats... There are some guys in Brazil right now sitting in a marketing office patting themselves on the back. We really did this. We're making the news. Yeah, we threw out Zika. We threw out terrorists, a guy with a gun. There's sewage. There's poop water. Hey, let's throw some old body parts... Front page news. Oh, yeah. And the Olympics are on NBC. Tune in.

Under Armour signed Lionel Messi because they specialize in signing the biggest chokers in sports

Congratulations to Under Armour for apparently signing Lionel Messi to round out their stable of Spieth, Cam Newton, and Steph Curry, the biggest chokers in the world.

The European Union is hurt, not injured, following Brexit and will make a major comeback

The EU, in my opinion, is hurt. I don't think that they're injured. This is a minor setback for a major comeback... The EU is going to get back on that horse. They're going to bring in like Turkey and Russia and really get Britain's attention and Britain will be like, yeah, we fucked up. I'm sorry. Can I have you back? Things will get back together.

The next trend in the NBA will be drafting the fattest team possible

The Warriors got good by doing the opposite of everybody else. They went small. There's going to be a swing soon. You want to get out in front of that and just draft the fattest team possible.

The NBA is becoming 'racist' against tall players as the league trends smaller

Do you think that the NBA is becoming more racist against tall people like yourself? Yeah, I actually tweeted something about that the other night. Free the bigs. It's time that we need to band together as big guys for the sake of our species going forward.

O.J. Simpson is a guilty man

I have no theories on that stuff. I've stated before, I just think O.J. is a guilty man, and that's it. I think his karma is now that he is in jail.

Jimmy Butler is not and will never be a relevant NBA player

Jimmy Butler is not a relevant player. He's never going to be a relevant player... every time you mention Jimmy Butler's name on the show, like I want to go shoot heroin into my arm and pass out.

Draymond Green was secretly rooting against the Warriors in Game 5 so he wouldn't miss the clinching moment

I think Draymond was probably rooting against the Warriors I don't think that's that crazy... Draymond is the kind of guy that he's a little bit more out there emotionally. He's the kind of guy that might feel slighted if he's not part of that winning moment.

Maria Sharapova being caught for PEDs proves Serena Williams is using them too

My witch hunt is actually going to be, I think that this proves without a doubt that Serena Williams has been using PEDs. Because Sharapova is 2-19 against Serena Williams while Sharapova was taking PED.

Kimbo Slice meant as much to our generation as Muhammad Ali meant to our parents' generation

It's a hot take, but it's kind of the correct take. Kimbo Slice meant a lot, too, to us. Because that early YouTube time, when he – do you remember watching those videos of Kimbo just bashing people's skulls in and saying, what the hell is going on? He was the baddest guy I've ever seen.

LeBron James lacks grit because he peaked in high school

LeBron has no grit, but it's not from his own – it's not his own fault... I think that LeBron's just been screwed over. Like I said, the guy peaked in high school and... he was back in, like, 11th, 12th grade being put in the center of the universe.

LeBron James would be a better player if he had gone to college

I think maybe if LeBron James had gone to college, he would be a better player. What do you learn in college? You learn how to make new friends and how to trust other people. LeBron has some trouble with that.

The 'glowing puck' ruined the NHL and likely caused the 2004-05 lockout

The glowing puck, did they get rid of that because it was easier to play defense? I think they took the non-hockey followers word too seriously and kind of ruined the game. I really think that's probably why the lockout happened.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.

Women's lacrosse is not a real sport because Northwestern is good at it

Also, Northwestern won a national title, and if Northwestern can win a national title in the sport we're talking about, that's not a real sport. So women's lacrosse, sorry, not a real sport.

The child who fell into Harambe's enclosure was a plant

This child is a plant, man. This child wanted Harambe dead. The child slid under a fence, through wires, and climbed over a moat wall.

Harambe is happier dead than living in Cincinnati

Do you think that Harambe is, like, happier now that he's dead than living in some, like, terrible enclosure in Cincinnati?

Football is safer than riding a bike or cheerleading in terms of concussions

I would definitely let my son play football. I wouldn't let him ride a bike or you know the other things that cause more concussions than football does. I think where is football ranked? Eighth among sports and in per capita concussions? I just read that Georgia Bulldogs cheerleaders get more concussions.

You don't need an MCL to shoot a basketball

Last time I checked, you don't score with your MCL. You score with your hands and your eyes. What did they teach you when you were learning to shoot? Balance, eyes, elbow, follow through. It's not beef and call. There's no MCL in there.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.

Steve Weatherford is the 'Rosa Parks' of heavy breathing at Planet Fitness

He's now taking a stand about people shaming heavy breathers... This is the Martin Luther King of breathing heavy in Planet Fitness is Steve Weatherford. Really standing up for some civil rights here. [PFT]: I'd say it's more Rosa Parks.

Grit has been co-opted and ruined by Harvard researchers and psychologists

I've seen over the past, like two years, the pussification of grit in America. Like grit has been co-opted by Harvard researchers, by doctors, by psychologists... It's people trying to teach grit. People who have like a silver spoon in their mouths, a doctor in front of their name, trying to tell me what it means to be gritty.

The Miami Heat-Toronto Raptors playoff series did not actually happen

This backs up my theory that the Miami Heat-Toronto Raptors series did not actually happen... I cannot imagine this Raptors team beating anybody in a seven-game series right now. I don't think that the last series happened. I think that it was just something that they sent the stats online and people saw what the final score of the game was.

There is a greater chance of America taking over Toronto than the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup

I think that there's a greater chance of America, like slowly encroaching into Canada and taking their land away and taking Toronto, than there is like the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup before that time.

I only became a Kobe Bryant fan after he became an underdog during his legal scandal

I came back around to Kobe when he became the bad guy and he became the underdog... when the shit hit the fan with him, I wanted to see... [Post-sexual assault] I became a fan of Kobe. That's just like a weird thing with me.

If I took steroids, I would have hit at least 70 home runs in a season

If you did take steroids, how many home runs do you think you could have hit in a season? 70. I was going to say 100, but okay. I would say 70. Yeah, because I remember so many balls being hit every year that just really were caught on the wall or hit off the top of the wall.

The 2017 NBA Finals will be the Cavs vs. the Lakers, with the Lakers winning in seven games

I got Cavs, Lakers, Lakers in seven. [Because] KD is going to the Lakers. And Dwight Howard's going back to the Lakers.

Kevin Love is the best player of all time because he is 12-0 in the playoffs

People forget that Kevin Love is undefeated in the NBA playoffs... He's undefeated. 12-0. The Cavs literally never lost with Kevin Love. Kevin Love has literally never lost in the playoffs. He's maybe the best player of all time.

Dwyane Wade dunking during the Canadian national anthem is the most American thing possible

He was actually dunking during it, which I think is the most American thing that you can do is just be dunking during another country's anthem. But like, isn't there a fine line between being like too courteous to another country and then committing treason? Because if you're really respecting the other anthem, that means that you don't love your own country.

The Green Bay Packers drafted a serial killer and he's the biggest bust in NFL history

People forget that the Green Bay Packers drafted a serial killer. In 1974, they drafted a legit serial killer. His name is Randy Woodfield... Would you say he's like the biggest bust in NFL draft history?

RG3's Real Trademark Is Not Playing Smart

Your real trademark is that you don't play smart. So stop or your punch clock at Kmart.

PFT Has Two Good Knees And RG3 Has None

He got two good knees and a microphone. You got no more cheese and your fight is gone.

RG3 Needs A Mammogram — Just Be A Manly Man

You need a mammogram, just be a manly man.

Social media accounts for children should be banned

It's getting to the point in this country where, like, I don't want my children to have social media accounts. I think, like, our country has reached the point where let's just shut it down. Nobody else gets a Twitter account.

Doing somersaults cures muscle cramps

My fun fact is that if you get a cramp, doing somersaults gets rid of the cramp. ... I was playing golf with my friends, and he just started doing somersaults. And I was like, why? And he said, it's because you get cramps, and that gets rid of him.

Greg Maddux was a sick individual in the clubhouse who used teammates' clothes to clean himself

He [Greg Maddux] was a sick individual to say the least. You know, there was nothing that was off limits for Greg. You know, he wasn't opposed to going into somebody's locker and grabbing a piece of piece of clothing and using it to clean himself in various ways and things of that nature.