Takes

I hope Nyquist the horse dies

I now am fascinated with Nyquist the horse... I hope Nyquist dies. I'll say it. Biggest piece of shit horse. And you know what, Nyquist? That's your horse owner's fault for running a shitty Twitter account. I wouldn't have wished death on you if you just had a semi-normal person running her Twitter account.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.

Women's lacrosse is not a real sport because Northwestern is good at it

Also, Northwestern won a national title, and if Northwestern can win a national title in the sport we're talking about, that's not a real sport. So women's lacrosse, sorry, not a real sport.

Nyquist the horse is a total pussy

Secretary [sic] never called in sick, which is a fact. You can look that up. By the way, this horse is a total pussy. He's clearly a bully horse that's like trying to pick on—he's so mad that he got beat this one time. He doesn't know how to handle it. He just quits and tells everybody to make fun of the better horse.

J.J. Watt is lazy for watching the NBA playoffs and the Spelling Bee on his couch

Sounds like he wasn't paying his rent for his success tonight. Sounds like he should have been in the gym instead of sitting on the couch watching TV, taking his athletic ability for granted. Sounds like he's going to be late on his success rent.

You don't need an MCL to shoot a basketball

Last time I checked, you don't score with your MCL. You score with your hands and your eyes. What did they teach you when you were learning to shoot? Balance, eyes, elbow, follow through. It's not beef and call. There's no MCL in there.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.

Steve Weatherford is the 'Rosa Parks' of heavy breathing at Planet Fitness

He's now taking a stand about people shaming heavy breathers... This is the Martin Luther King of breathing heavy in Planet Fitness is Steve Weatherford. Really standing up for some civil rights here. [PFT]: I'd say it's more Rosa Parks.

Grit has been co-opted and ruined by Harvard researchers and psychologists

I've seen over the past, like two years, the pussification of grit in America. Like grit has been co-opted by Harvard researchers, by doctors, by psychologists... It's people trying to teach grit. People who have like a silver spoon in their mouths, a doctor in front of their name, trying to tell me what it means to be gritty.

There is a greater chance of America taking over Toronto than the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup

I think that there's a greater chance of America, like slowly encroaching into Canada and taking their land away and taking Toronto, than there is like the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup before that time.

I only became a Kobe Bryant fan after he became an underdog during his legal scandal

I came back around to Kobe when he became the bad guy and he became the underdog... when the shit hit the fan with him, I wanted to see... [Post-sexual assault] I became a fan of Kobe. That's just like a weird thing with me.

If I took steroids, I would have hit at least 70 home runs in a season

If you did take steroids, how many home runs do you think you could have hit in a season? 70. I was going to say 100, but okay. I would say 70. Yeah, because I remember so many balls being hit every year that just really were caught on the wall or hit off the top of the wall.

The 2017 NBA Finals will be the Cavs vs. the Lakers, with the Lakers winning in seven games

I got Cavs, Lakers, Lakers in seven. [Because] KD is going to the Lakers. And Dwight Howard's going back to the Lakers.

Kevin Love is the best player of all time because he is 12-0 in the playoffs

People forget that Kevin Love is undefeated in the NBA playoffs... He's undefeated. 12-0. The Cavs literally never lost with Kevin Love. Kevin Love has literally never lost in the playoffs. He's maybe the best player of all time.

Dwyane Wade dunking during the Canadian national anthem is the most American thing possible

He was actually dunking during it, which I think is the most American thing that you can do is just be dunking during another country's anthem. But like, isn't there a fine line between being like too courteous to another country and then committing treason? Because if you're really respecting the other anthem, that means that you don't love your own country.

The Washington Capitals would be better if they were coached by a 'junkie mom' figure

They never should have gotten rid of Bruce Boudreau... because he's a really shitty coach. ... the best analogy I can give is like if you have a mom who's a junkie. A lot of times the eldest siblings will step up their leadership roles and know that they have to look after the team. ... they learn a lot of accountability because they got to cover up for their drunk dad.

Does LeBron James have the it factor and the clutch gene?

My question is, does LeBron have the it factor? I don't think people are talking about this enough. He's won a couple championships, but the years that he won it, was he really the it guy? Did he really have that clutch gene?

The Green Bay Packers drafted a serial killer and he's the biggest bust in NFL history

People forget that the Green Bay Packers drafted a serial killer. In 1974, they drafted a legit serial killer. His name is Randy Woodfield... Would you say he's like the biggest bust in NFL draft history?

Social media accounts for children should be banned

It's getting to the point in this country where, like, I don't want my children to have social media accounts. I think, like, our country has reached the point where let's just shut it down. Nobody else gets a Twitter account.

Doing somersaults cures muscle cramps

My fun fact is that if you get a cramp, doing somersaults gets rid of the cramp. ... I was playing golf with my friends, and he just started doing somersaults. And I was like, why? And he said, it's because you get cramps, and that gets rid of him.

Greg Maddux was a sick individual in the clubhouse who used teammates' clothes to clean himself

He [Greg Maddux] was a sick individual to say the least. You know, there was nothing that was off limits for Greg. You know, he wasn't opposed to going into somebody's locker and grabbing a piece of piece of clothing and using it to clean himself in various ways and things of that nature.

The Dude Perfect show on CMT will be the best show of all time

CMT... Thursday nights, Aaron Rodgers. I don't know when Aaron Rodgers is going to be on, but it's going to be probably the best show of all time. That guy is so cool.

Pissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate

That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.

Tiger Woods will never win another major championship

I'm firmly in the Tiger will never win another Masters or major championship in his life. And I've said that for like four or five years now. I just don't, your body can only take so many steroids before you become immune to them.

Villanova would beat the Philadelphia 76ers

So yeah, I Villanova, I'd take Villanova over the Sixers.

I'm just not going to pay my taxes

Probably just not going to do them. [Taxes].

Ivy League schools shouldn't be allowed to participate in March Madness

All these rich pricks that think they're better than everyone they shouldn't get this experience. No, it's a state school experience only... You fucking Ivy League kids should not get to participate in March Madness.

Hating bat flips is the ultimate litmus test for being a bad person

Is there a better litmus test in the world than people who hate bat flips being like just shitty people. Like if you hate a bat flip, it's basically like people who like kill like puppies and people who hate bat flips. That's the quickest way to figure out if you're a bad person. If you don't like bat flips, I don't even know where I would love to hear someone explain to me how they got to the point where they're like, goddamn backflips.

Barstool and Disney/ESPN are closer in value than people think

I'm not saying that Disney and Barstool are, like, maybe equal in terms of stock, but we're closer than people think.

Pardon My Take will change the entire world of podcasting

It's gonna change the entire world of podcasting. No, I mean I'm not, I'm not raising my voice. What I'm saying I'm not quivering. Like that's just the cold hard truth.