Takes

Deshaun Watson should retire because the Texans are a franchise that can drive a player to that

I would love to see a player just be like, I truly hate them so much. I will retire. If any franchise is able to do that to a person, it would be the Houston Texans.

Aaron Rodgers performs better when he's playing with 'no-name' receivers

Aaron Rodgers is Aaron Rodgers the pettiest person in the world... I think he actually performs better with no name guys, because then it's like, oh look what Aaron Rodgers is doing again with these same like undrafted or like late round pick wide receivers. Isn't he? Just the greatest?

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie. ... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Dog's like knocking on his parents [door]. ... It's over. Dog's on the case. It's done.

Deshaun Watson has to be benched

Deshaun Watson has to be benched. There was a moment in this game where I was like, holy fuck. How is this guy still playing? He doesn't want to go for it on fourth down... he stinks at football.

Lamar Jackson will not get a fully guaranteed contract like Deshaun Watson's

No, you're not gonna fully guarantee. You can give him a lot of guaranteed money... He wants the Deshaun Watson deal. From what I heard and that they're not gonna fully guarantee. The owners in this league don't want to fully guarantee contract. They were all mad that they did that in the first place.

Malcolm Butler was benched because of a gentleman's agreement trade between Bill Belichick and Sean Payton

Nobody knows why [Malcolm Butler was benched]... I actually think it's something else entirely. I think it's part of a gentleman's agreement between [Bill] Belichick and Sean Payton just to keep him healthy for the trade that is yet to be finalized. But it's definitely coming.

Contracting toxoplasmosis from cats will make you a fearless 'Berserker' warrior

45% of the population has this parasite called toxoplasmosis that comes from cat feces... it makes mice not fear predators so they just wander on and then the cats eat it... I want to be fearless. The Berserker cult has to contract toxoplasmosis and we'll all just be fearless Berserker warriors... when I contract toxoplasmosis, I will be an absolute fearless warrior and it will be sick.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

The Cowboys trade for Amari Cooper was a ballsy move that worked

The Amari Cooper trade, when we laughed at it and everyone laughed at it, that was a fucking ballsy move, and it has worked out. Amari Cooper has basically re-found himself.

I would love to watch a WNBA matinee game on a summer afternoon

I would especially love it if they had a game this afternoon a little matinee with the play in the summertime when kids go to camp. ... I would love to watch the Sky and Mercury.

The Washington Generals have a better winning culture than the Redskins have had for the last 30 years

They've been so bad that the name Washington Generals is more aligned with a winning culture than the Washington Redskins has been for the last 30 years. ... We've tried everybody, we've tried everything possible. Let's Rebrand.

I am going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on anything

I got like a little bit of bad news... I'm going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on any of them. So I have responsibly reached the end of my allocated fund for myself that I had through November.

J.J. Watt is rattled because he tweeted at me out of nowhere

Here's why I think and I know that J.J. Watt is rattled. This was a totally unsolicited tweet from him... He just tweets me out of nowhere and he says, I thought we were friends now, man... You don't tell someone to have a great day unless you're, like, rattled.

Watching the NBA makes you realize how bad college basketball players are at shooting

You watch college basketball for three straight weeks, and then you switch back to the NBA, and you actually wonder if the NBA has bigger rims, because every shot seems to go in. It's like, oh, hey, that open three-pointer, they made it. Oh, wow, a guy didn't just throw one off the backboard when the shot clock's expiring.

J.J. Watt should commit a small crime like animal abuse to fix his bad boy image

J.J. needs to kind of break out of this goody two shoes, like vibe that he's putting out... I think he just needs to go out and commit a small crime, like animal abuse, you know, a crime. Nobody really cares about something like that. Maybe start a small fire. That would kind of give him that little bit of a bad boy edge.

J.J. Watt could fix his image by doing 'dizzy bat' and falling on his face

He needs to play a round of drunken dizzy bat because you always fall on your face... Not only is he like, okay, he's a regular guy... He also will fall on his face and will laugh about that. And if he can laugh at himself after that, I mean, he's right back in everyone's good graces.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

Every NFL player wants to play in Las Vegas because it's cheap and there's no state income tax

Everybody want to play in Las Vegas because it's cheap out there, for one. And the taxes is nothing like California taxes... who wouldn't want to live out there?

The 49ers are no longer fun to watch and I'm very worried about them

I am very worried about the Niners now. I figured that they were gonna kick the shit out of the Seahawks today. ... I used to watch the 49ers play and be excited to watch them play. And that stopped when this season started. Even though they got Christian McCaffrey back, they're not fun to watch on offense right now.

Derrick Henry is officially on 2,000-yard watch

Derrick Henry... reached a thousand yards. We're on 2,000 yard watch. He is 1052 yards on the season. We are officially on 2,000 yard watch for Derrick Henry.

The NFL gave Deshaun Watson an 11-game suspension specifically so his return would be against the Texans

Why is it 11 games? That's a weird number. Right? So you look at the schedule that game that he'd be coming back would be against the Houston Texans. So they have to talk about it all the time throughout the entire game... Homecoming.

The Saints are officially on 'Quit Watch'

The Saints are officially on quit watch. Dennis Allen, Richard Sherman said at halftime, he's like, they're trying to get Dennis Allen fired. I wouldn't be shocked. And the Saints are just like—this was so—this was a bad game.

I'm rooting for Travis Kelce to propose to Taylor Swift on the jumbotron to watch the internet break

The one thing I am rooting for is I hope Travis Kelce proposes Taylor Swift. That would be awesome on the field after... I root for it because all the swifties would have to do mental gymnastics to be like, that's so cute... I want it like to be on the jumbotron and then Swifties have to be like, that's so beautiful.

Nick Mullens is the ultimate backup gunslinger because you always want to watch him

Nick Mullens... he's the ultimate like backup gunslinger. Right. Yeah. I don't think a team will ever commit to Nick Mullens as being like the guy ever. But he's fun. At least you'll say this about Nick when he plays, you wanna watch the game because he's gonna do some crazy shit.

I am going to physically assault Dennis Allen if I have to watch Andy Dalton start for the Saints for the rest of the season.

I'm not saying that I'm gonna beat the shit outta Dennis Allen, but if I have to watch Andy Dalton for the rest of the season, I'm gonna, I'm gonna punch him. Yeah. I, I'm gonna punch, I'm gonna, I'm going find Dennis Allen. I'm gonna punch him. Yeah. Not his face. I'm gonna give him like a Charlie horse. ... I'm gonna physically assault Dennis Allen.

Deshaun Watson has officially arrived as a Cleveland Brown

I think I might have to say it, Deshaun Watson has officially arrived as a Cleveland Brown because... [he] drove them down the field for the game winning field goal.

Oregon is currently the best team in the Pac-12 despite their loss to Washington

I do think Oregon, what they did in Utah on Saturday, like that doesn't happen to Utah. They bullied him. Oregon. It's weird because even though they lost to Washington, they look like they're the best team in that conference right now.

Deshaun Watson stinks

Deshaun Watson. Should we talk about Deshaun? Yeah, he stinks. He stinks. He stinks. He's, he's pretty bad. And they're paying him $230 million.

I only enjoy watching baseball when my team is on offense

What I said was... I like when my team is on offense, and I don't like when my team is on defense. [It's because] in the short series, every [pitch] is so important. You lose one and you're just back that much.

The 7:10 AM start for the Olympic gold medal hockey game is a 'non-starter' and prevents half of North America from watching

Seven ten is... that's too early. Half half of North America's gonna be asleep... Why did they, can they not move it? This is gonna be the biggest fucking thing.

We are banned from the Beacon Theater because of James Dolan

Part of my take was slated to do a live show in New York city at the beacon theater... I just got information that that date has been pulled from us because James Dolan owns the beacon theater. And we are the fucking bad boys of podcasting. We're banned from the beacon theater because of James Dolan.

The world would have more in common if everyone sat down and watched Jackass together

I still to this day... I think that you could take Jackass, you could show it to ISIS and they would laugh their balls off. They would, it would actually bring the world together. If we could just have a set aside two hours where everybody in the world sits down and watch Jackass, and we'd be like, you know what? We got a lot more in common than maybe we thought.

Mike McCarthy needs to stop watching replays of his team's mistakes on the Jumbotron during games

I have a suggestion from Mike McCarthy... Something bad happens, you know, something bad has just happened in the game. As head coach, he forces himself to watch the replay of that bad thing over and over and just sit in that pain. Yeah, Mike, you gotta stop doing that. You gotta stop subjecting yourself to just trauma repeatedly over and over again.

Travis Hunter will not be the only five-star recruit to join an HBCU

I liked it as well stated. And I don't think he's [Travis Hunter] going to be by himself. I'm just telling you that he's not going to be alone. I promise you. He is not going to be alone. You're going to hear about that real soon.

NFL ratings will be insane this season despite hater predictions

All you fucking haters out there who say the NFL... Guess what? The NFL's back, and there's a shitload of us watching it. We love it... Ratings are going to be insane.

Baker Mayfield and the Browns are significantly better without Odell Beckham

It is not a hot take to say that the Browns are just significantly better and Baker Mayfield is significantly better without Odell Beckham. ... Because he doesn't have to feel like he has to throw the ball to Odell Beckham, and if he misses Odell Beckham, Odell Beckham's dad's going to make a fucking mixtape with R.E.M. behind it.

There is a greater than 50% chance Dan Snyder is forced to sell the Washington Football Team

I'd say once somebody with the power to get to the bottom of it gets involved [Congress], it gets north of 50... Once we know about some of the things that Beth Wilkinson, the investigator found, yeah, I think it becomes untenable at that point publicly for Snyder to continue.

The traditional NFL broadcast is still better than the Manningcast for watching an entire game

My only thing is that it's good, but I feel like the regular broadcast is still better. Like when I'm watching the Manning broadcast, it just doesn't feel like a big game. It's casual and it's good, but watching an entire game, I keep switching back to the regular broadcast.

Trent Dilfer was coaching hard, not committing physical assault in his viral high school video

I hate the argument you never put your hands on a player it's like grabbing a guy by shoulder, grabbing him by the elbow. Come on. Are we really going to get upset about that. Obviously, if it's like punching choking... this, there was no malicious intent in this.

The Jaguars will fail Trevor Lawrence, not the other way around

I'm gonna, I'm going to switch the narrative on Trevor Lawrence. I think that it's the Jack, the Jaguars will fail Trevor Lawrence, not Trevor Lawrence failing the Jaguars because they don't put a team around him. Like I, I think he's going to be great if they can put a little bit of a team around it.

Floyd Mayweather was a genuinely good guy until he used a homophobic slur

I thought Floyd Mayweather was a genuinely good guy until he dropped that hard F-bomb. That's the most problematic thing that these guys have done is use words that they shouldn't.

The Warriors are more fun to watch without Kevin Durant

The question now is, are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? I think what you're seeing is they're more fun to watch without Kevin Durant. They are absolutely more fun to watch. They play a more interesting brand of basketball. Steph Curry is allowed to be Steph Curry.

Kawhi Leonard is gone from Toronto no matter what happens in the Finals

I think he's gone no matter what. I think he's made up his mind already no matter what. There could be a world where he's like, I really love it in Toronto, but losing or winning the finals won't change that.

The Lions are better without Calvin Johnson because Matthew Stafford can spread the ball around

Is this the year that Matt Stafford finally makes the leap? I'm going to say yes. Calvin Johnson was holding him back. Better without Calvin Johnson. He can spread the ball around.

Justify's Triple Crown should be vacated because the horse is a cheater

Justify is a cheater. The horse. I hope you're sitting down... Horse racing is not on the up and up. Justify tested positive for using a banned substance... As far as we know, Justify is guilty as sin, and his triple crown win should be, what, vacated? Are we doing that? I would like my money back.

Deshaun Watson will be suspended for at least a full year

We're first reporting on Pardon My Take that Deshaun Watson will be suspended for [at least a full] year. Yep. On Friday... my guess is it will be a suspension for a year, and then the appeal is going to come through... then Goodell is going to be like, okay, I'll like reduce it to 14 games or 12 games.

Joey Chestnut is the best eater of all time in the history of the world

Everybody eats. Joey Chestnut is the best person, the best eater of all time in the history of the world. He needs to be rich for that fact.

Masters TV coverage is a joke because fans can't watch it all live

Best golf tournament of the year. And we cannot watch all of it live in 2024. It's a joke. Put it all on TV or online. I don't care. But I wanna watch it Thursday morning.

There is a greater chance of America taking over Toronto than the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup

I think that there's a greater chance of America, like slowly encroaching into Canada and taking their land away and taking Toronto, than there is like the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup before that time.