Takes

The 'Player to be Named Later' in baseball trades is enticing because it sounds like they could be anyone, even a Hall of Famer

But the player to be named later, it sounds really enticing. It's like, that guy could be fucking awesome. Could be anyone. Yeah, could be a Hall of Famer.

NFL critics who claim they stopped watching are actually still watching every Sunday

You know my favorite are the people on Twitter that say, I can no longer morally watch football. You are a fucking liar because I know you're fucking watching the Red Zone from 1 o'clock to 7 o'clock every fucking Sunday. You can't stop watching the NFL. You can't. Like it or not, it's here.

TJ Watt should win Defensive Player of the Year

TJ Watt is, I know he won't win it, but he should win Defensive Player of the Year. I know that the Browns fans will be like Myles Garrett... [Watt] has 17 and a half sacks and he's played 10 full games. He does everything for them.

The new MLB rules have made baseball watchable again

Overall, I think that what they've done is they've turned baseball into a game that more people will Congrats. We did it. We made baseball watchable again.

The Patriots should transition to Drake May sooner rather than later

I think you should start Drake May. Why maybe not this week on a Thursday, but if you want to push the ball downfield and give your team chances like that, it should be Drake May. That's my point. If it's tank, then Jacoby Brissett's perfect.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

GoldenEye 007 and Oregon Trail are top-tier video games

GoldenEye is number one since you didn't take it... Number two, I have Oregon Trail.

Watching the Real Housewives and the OC is okay

I'm a little more grown up, I do happen to watch and enjoy from time to time the Real Housewives series. Only the New York. Atlanta? I like Atlanta. Crazy. Countess? Crazy.

Deshaun Watson is a much better pocket passer than people realize

I think he's a good pocket passer. I think that that's one thing that people, when you think of [Deshaun Watson], you immediately think of a guy that can move around and get away from pressure, but he is good in the pocket.

You must always order two bagels: one to eat immediately and one for an hour later

You order one bagel to eat right away, and then the other is like an hour later. You have to. You have to. That's how you get to 'deuce hogs.'

If you are going on a boat party before a playoff game, you better win that game

This is a classic if you're going to go on a boat party. It's the old Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson and Cabo rule. If you're going to go hang out before a playoff game, you better win that fucking playoff game.

The specialized NBA Cup courts are bad for casual fans and confusing to watch

I do not like the court. Okay. I don't like, I don't, I think for a casual fan it's gonna take a while for them to get The NBA a cup. It just doesn't help. It's like, what is wrong with this court? Then you have to explain this whole long NBA cup thing. Not a fan of the court.

The 'elite' label came from winning games without gaudy stats — people wear the sweatshirt both sincerely and as a joke, and either way it's fun

I was winning a bunch of games in Baltimore, but my stats were never gonna fly off the stat sheet. We were winning games because we had a formula with how we won games. ... The funny thing is, is now people could like, listen, I have buddies wearing the sweatshirt because they're like, yeah, damn right he's elite. And I have detractors that are out there probably using it as a joke. ... Either way it's a story and I have a lot of fun with it.

I have more confidence in the 2023 Browns with Joe Flacco than I would if Deshaun Watson were still healthy

I feel so much more confident about the Cleveland Browns in 2023 than if Deshaun Watson had played the whole season. I can't believe I'm saying that sentence, but I fully believe it. Like I think Joe [Flacco], with how he's playing right now, is the perfect guy for this.

The 'Notes App' social media post is a top-tier way to announce a career change

We're gonna go with posting a notes app on social media to announce a career change. Thanking everybody involved... a lot of people, public figures do this, right? They say goodbye via notes app. And it usually puts their name in the trending column. So I think it moves the needle.

Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are disappointed

The Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are good. That's what people always say. I don't really believe that. I like Los Angelinos to be very disappointed in all their sports because they have everything else.

Half of sports media doesn't watch games; they just tweet about the Manningcast

I also don't know what the sports media is going to tweet about now that the Manningcast is not [on]... Half of sports media doesn't even watch the game. They just tweet about the Manningcast.

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

The proper way to dick punch is using the back of the hand for a whipping motion

Just a little coaching pointer for Dellavedova. Use the back of the hand. And then that way you get your elbow and your wrist in a whipping motion as opposed to just like the straight up the open face, the open handed slap.

Jerry Jones no longer wants an Alpha coach; he wants someone who will just do what he says.

Jerry Jones, the Jerry Jones from the nineties... that guy doesn't exist anymore. He just wants a coach that will just follow whatever he says and guess who's gonna follow whatever he says. The career assistant who is down the hall. He'll never. Thank you for the opportunity, sir. Ever since Bill Parcells, he's not gonna hire someone who is gonna have that Alpha Energy and be like, this is my show.

Skip Bayless is the biggest Luka Doncic hater on the planet

My new favorite takeout there is how skip Bayless is now the biggest Luka hater on the planet, on the fucking planet. He's kind of, he's doing that exact same thing where he just like, he cherry picks the perfect stats to talk about Luka. He's like, he will not forget the games that the Mavericks lost in this series.

James Harden is a quitter whose personality can't be trusted when playoff situations get tense

I have a problem with anyone who's a professional athlete who is okay deciding that they're just not going to be competitive twice in a year because they don't like their situation... if you're okay sucking on purpose and having it happen that many times in a very short span, then why would I bet on your personality when everything's tense and it matters.

The Warriors are more fun to watch without Kevin Durant

The question now is, are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? I think what you're seeing is they're more fun to watch without Kevin Durant. They are absolutely more fun to watch. They play a more interesting brand of basketball. Steph Curry is allowed to be Steph Curry.

The Watt brothers could beat the Gronkowski brothers in a fight

Do you think that the Watt brothers could take the [Gronkowskis]? ... I don't know, man. Isn't there, isn't there like a new UFC where they have like five verse five? ... We need to get two extra Watts when you guys could join in. [Big Cat]: Yes. [TJ Watt]: You guys would kick our ass, correct? [Big Cat]: Yes.

Joe Thornton is wrong for playing with his kids instead of watching his potential Stanley Cup opponents

Joe Thornton, when the Sharks won the Western Conference Finals... said that he was going to play with his kids during the Game 7 Penguins-Lightnings. Not watch who he was going to play in the Stanley Cup Finals. Mike Milbury was not happy... how you win a Stanley Cup is being always focused and making sure you tune in to your opponent even when you're not playing them.

You would never see the Rooney family make a move for someone like Deshaun Watson

I all say is that you would never see the Rooneys make a move like this [trading for Deshaun Watson].

Deshaun Watson is the perfect quarterback for the Browns because his off-field issues prevent the media from over-hyping the team

Deshaun Watson, everything off the field, I think he's the perfect quarterback for, for the Browns... because a lot of people don't wanna talk about the Browns 'cause of Deshaun Watson. So it tempers the Browns hype. And the Browns are one of those teams I put in the category of like never overhype the Browns.

Deshaun Watson having a comeback is the final boss of 'who's the next Sam Darnold'

With all the discourse around Sam Darnold quarterback reclamation projects, it's actually kind of cool to see Darnold being in the Super Bowl. Teams are gonna be like, who's the next Sam Darnold? I found myself this morning thinking about like, what if Deshaun Watson's just good again? What if he's just good? That might be the final boss of who's the next Sam Darnold.

College football is fundamentally better when Nebraska is a good program

They're the quintessential college football is better when Texas is a good program. You know, it's like Texas. It's Notre Dame and Nebraska is like the third one of those programs. College football is better when Nebraska is good. That's a fact.

College basketball is better when Duke is the villain

College basketball is better when Duke is the villains. So I'm happy for the tournament. I'm excited. Shut everyone up.

Matthew Slater is the most 'Patriot' Patriot of all time

Matthew Slater... I feel like I'd never seen an interview from him. It was like this guy rocks. He probably knows everything. He was like the unassuming special teams guy... he's the most like Patriot Patriot of all time probably.

I'm officially on nervous watch that the Packers are going to make a run

I'm officially on—I'm nervous watch. I'm nervous that they're [the Packers] going to make a run. I change my—Packers fans know me well enough that I start to change my tone when I start to get really nervous... knowing that they're better than [their record].

Watching athletes who are younger than you is demoralizing

When you get past your thirties, something that really sucks is all the athletes you're watching are younger than you. And being like, like you start calling athletes, kid, and like, shit like that, where you're like, oh, okay. Like Luca Doncic is like 13 years younger than me. Like that shit just like, kind of fucks you up.

Oregon is the weakest 1-seed but has an easy path thanks to Duke being in their bracket

Oregon's definitely the weakest one seed, but then you've got to look at their bracket. Because they were blessed to have Duke in their bracket, the committee always gives Duke the easy ride. By proxy, Oregon also got the easy ride.

Central Time is the best time zone for watching sports.

Central time is the best time to watch sports. No question. [Big Cat:] No question.

Ryan Switzer is a 'swaggy' player to watch out for

I like that little [Ryan] Switzer guy. He's swaggy out there. Beasley, he's been balling for a few years now, and he's created his niche.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are on fraud watch

To be consistent, we have to say that if they lose this game [against the Niners], we have to call the Jaguars frauds... they haven't done anything to really earn that. It's just that they haven't played anybody. No, they're on fraud watch.

A 'football guy' is someone who enjoys lighting up a cigar and watching the game at home

To me, I'm a football guy, and I enjoy watching it. I enjoy lighting up a cigar and watching it in my house or my condominium. That's what I enjoy doing.

Cody Kessler was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous, not to make the team better

I don't think [Kessler] was there to make Blake Bortles better. I think he was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous. And that's not a recipe for having a good football team.

Golf is better when fans have specific players to root against like Brooks Koepka

Biggest pet peeves about golf is that no matter who wins, we all say yay at the end of it... You rally around one guy, right? And that's what you also need to be able to rally against one guy... Frankie has been going against Brooks for a few years now.

The Steelers are officially on 'fraud watch' if they lose to the Bengals

I think the Steelers are on fraud watch for me. I I do. I I mean I I, their defense is very, very good... but this is a game that I, if the Bengals get life back in this, I, I'm putting the Steelers on fraud watch.

Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they were good

The University of Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they got good.

Oregon and Texas should have kept Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong

I would have kept them both [Mark Helfrich and Charlie Strong], by the way. Absolutely. I really think you've got to give a guy four years.

Joe Burrow is the savage version of what Jay Cutler was supposed to be

I was watching Joe Burrow's interview yesterday... just his personality and also like his confidence slash cockiness. And I was like, that's what Jay [Cutler] was supposed to be. Joe Burrow really, he's a savage.

Oregon can win the National Championship behind the maturity of quarterback Dante Moore

What do you need to make a great run in any playoff... you need a quarterback who's going to take control... he [Dante Moore] has absolutely just matured into a guy who's now completed almost 80% of his passes in the back half of the season.

LeBron James robbed fans of a hater moment by making the correct basketball play

I feel so robbed by it because [LeBron James] actually made a very selfless play. A game-winning assist for a buzzer beater. I was really hoping that the situation had occurred where he was trying to force it and he cost him the game. He robbed that from us.

Relationship hobbies must be established from the start because you can't add an addiction later

Before you start dating, you have to have all your hobbies set because you can't just add golf. You can add golf, but you can't add golf addict. There's a difference. There's a, you could be a golfer, but if this guy's playing seven days a week and YouTube tutorials and practicing swinging the living room, that's going to, you're gonna need to ease into that one.

Kyler Murray is now must-watch TV

But Kyler Murray, who is now – like, he is officially elevated to must-watch, like – drop everything you have to watch every time he's got the ball that was insane that was an insane play.

The Cowboys' defense plays better when they have a backup quarterback like Ben DiNucci

It turns out that in a weird way is kind of good having a shitty quarterback playing because your defense gets this mindset of like we have to create turnovers, we have to stop everybody. Whereas before they're like, oh we got Dak, he's gonna throw for a million yards, I can take a couple plays off here.

Donald Trump's border wall would beat the 2016 Golden State Warriors because it is salary cap friendly.

The thing I like about Trump's wall is that it's very salary cap friendly since somebody else [Mexico] is paying for it. So Trump's wall would have enough room left over to sign [Kevin] Durant this offseason. ... you could get a lot of good role players and surround like a lot of glue guys in addition to Durant with Trump's wall and still be under the cap. So I'm going to go with Trump.