Takes

Bears fans watch football to avoid being nagged, so we should call Matt Nagy 'Nagy' (with a soft A)

The debate is, how do we pronounce [Matt Nagy's] last name? It's technically Nagy, but we're going to go with Nagy... we watch football so that we don't get nagged. I mean, if you want to get nagged, there's women for that, right? ... Don't give me 'Nag-y'. Give me 'Nay-gy'.

The Cardinals will have a very good, fun-to-watch offense this season

I think the Cardinals' offense is going to be very good this year... I think they might be one of those really fun teams to watch. They might not win seven or eight games, but they give us some great red zone late witching hour moments.

The Chiefs, Lions, Falcons, and Chargers are the funnest teams to watch because of the inevitable chaos

I would put like the Chiefs, the Lions, the Falcons, and the Chargers as like the funnest teams to watch in the NFL, knowing that some crazy shit's going to happen. Like a 21-point lead [blowing it]. Some sort of heartbreak occur to the Lions franchise.

The Giants are better without Saquon Barkley

So what you're basically saying is that the Giants are better without Saquon Barkley. Yes. I forgot he existed. I legit, before you said that word, holy shit... with those two guys' [Gallman/Morris] skill sets, it's actually a plus improvement over losing Saquon Barkley.

If you have a problem watching Patrick Mahomes, you have a problem watching football

If you have a problem watching [Mahomes] play quarterback, you have a problem watching football. That's true. I mean, you don't have to root for him. But don't, ah, appreciate greatness. No, stop it.

The Eagles will beat the Saints and the roster will be fully healthy for the playoffs

We're going to beat the Saints at home next week. Like that's just, that's just going to happen. And then you have, you're going to have three weeks for everyone to get healthy for the second round of the playoffs.

Utah State is a sneaky mid-major dark horse to watch in the NCAA tournament

If you want a sneaky team, if they get in, and that's a sneaky mid-major, would be Utah State... Sneaky good team. Good coach, a lot of shooters, and a good young big man.

Lionel Messi is the undisputed GOAT after winning the World Cup

Messi is the goat. I mean, Ronaldo, I mean, there's nothing left. Messi has literally won it all. That game was fucking incredible... I'm happy for Messi. I, he's always been my goat and this was literally the last thing he had to win.

Tom Brady is 'all class' for posting his $563,000 Patek Philippe watch before going into the broadcast booth

Tampa Bay Buccaneers legend Tom Brady... took to Instagram today to remind us that he's all class. Before hopping into the booth, he posted... big game, big watch. He hit us with the Patek Philippe Aquanaut. [It's worth] like 563,000. And this is just a casual before game like, Hey guys, stepping into the booth.

Links golf is never fun to watch

it just never seems fun. When I watch it, I'm like, what? This, the wind is always blowing. It's overcast. There's huge bunkers. It just doesn't seem fun.

Luka Dončić is already a better player than Dirk Nowitzki ever was

Jay Kidd said he was already better than Dirk, you know, he's 25 years old... they're already talking about he's better than Dirk and he ain't even won a [ring]... this is telling you how special this kid is. Like this man is a real problem and he's still not really in his prime.

The Pac-12 will finally be worth watching and exciting this season

In all seriousness, the Pac-12 will be worth watching... This is the first season in a long time, going into the season, I'm actually excited to watch Pac-12 basketball in a very long time.

The NCAA vacating titles is the dumbest penalty because you can't actually take away a title that people watched

Is this not the dumbest, most NCAA penalty? Just being like, yeah, all those memories don't exist anymore. [Louisville's] fans are just... Really, the only thing that it punishes Louisville in is that Kentucky fans can now say they didn't win that. But other than that, you can't just take away a title. That doesn't work.

Oregon is better than every single team in the SEC this season

That team [Indiana] went into Autzen and was the better football team against the Oregon team that... look like they have seven weapons again and their quarterback looks like he's one of the best in the country... I have Oregon in my rankings ahead of all those SEC teams still because I think that much of Indiana.

Watching Super Bowl tape as motivation before a rematch is a bad move by Kyle Shanahan

Kyle Shanahan forced the team to watch the Super Bowl this week and said, I think everyone understands that we've lost two Super Bowls [to] them. So, I mean, that can give you a little post-traumatic stress when you turn on the tape. I don't know. I don't know if I like that. ... In what world does that improve morale? Zero. I I guess you could just hope that it's gonna piss 'em off.

Deshaun Watson has overcome too much in his past

I disagree with him [Johnny Fanta] about Deshaun. If there's a knock on Deshaun, he has overcome too much in his past.

Kawhi Leonard is my favorite player to watch in the playoffs

Favorite player in the playoffs? To watch, like, Kawhi, probably.

The Patriots defense is never better without JJ Watt

When you have the best defensive player in the league, your defense is going to never be better without him.

Survivor is the most popular and broadly watched reality show of all time

The most popular reality show of all time and one that every single person has ever watched, Survivor. I mean, it's hard to go against. I've watched seasons and been like, this show's awesome.

Kyle Lowry is the absolute worst and most annoying player to watch in the NBA

I'm so happy I don't have to watch Kyle Lowry play anymore. That guy is like, he's the worst. He is literally the worst... I swear if Kyle Lowry spent like maybe even half as much time complaining, he would be double the player. He just complains about every single possession, no matter what.

The Bills and the Cardinals are the only two NFL teams that definitely suck after Week 2

I think this is the first time we've gotten to week two, because usually you can tell almost instantly, okay, these teams definitely suck, and these teams are going to definitely be good. I actually only have two teams that definitely suck on the list... the Bills [and] the Cardinals.

Aaron Hernandez's lawyer should argue the murder was just a game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' that went too far

If you look at the facts surrounding that murder, right? He was with his fiancee... he was also with a friend who was a female... and then there was a guy that he killed. So it could have just been a game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' gone way out of hand.

Roger Goodell will go 'God mode' and prevent Deshaun Watson from playing even if he gets traded.

My prediction is that Roger Goodell is going to go God mode. He has that power to be like, 'You're not playing. You're never playing.' I'm putting you on my secret list... He is absolutely itching to just be like, 'I am your Lord. You are not allowed to play.'

The Jaguars might be a top-tier team after winning three games in a row

The Jags looked good. Their defense looked very good... credit to the Jags. Two games in London, one against the Bills, and then coming back home. They've won three in a row. They've righted the ship after that Chiefs/Texans double loss... the Jags might be good.

Noah Lyles has every right to brag about being the fastest man on Earth after winning Olympic gold

She had a take, can you really brag about being the fastest person on earth if you win a race by 0.005 seconds?... I think [Noah Lyles] can if you win the gold medal.

The secret to life is being nice to everyone because you might need something from them later.

I think that's just the guide for life it's like just treat everybody nice because you never know what you're going to need from them later.

I have never been as wowed by home runs as I was watching Aaron Judge at the Derby

I have never been wowed by home runs like I was... Aaron Judge's home runs made me just sit there like holy shit. How can a human being look so effortless and hit the ball 500 feet?

NFL defensive backs today have terrible eyes and look in the backfield too much instead of watching their man

The DBs, their eyes are in the backfield. They have terrible eyes. Your eyes should be on your man... Look at the man. Look at who you're covering. It's the one thing that pisses me off more than anything as I'm looking at this.

Max Abmas' missed buzzer-beater against Arkansas is one of the most notable misses in NCAA tournament history

We've got [Max Abmas'] missed buzzer beater for Oral Roberts. I think it's up there with one of the most, like, Gordon Hayward missed territory. Like, it's one of the most notable misses in NCAA tournament history.

Oregon State is working to become known as 'Punter U'

We've had some pretty good punters come through. The punter for the New England Patriots, Ryan Allen, him and I walked on there together... So we're kind of trying to earn that nickname or the moniker Punter U. Tennessee might have it right now, but we're working on it.

The Miami Hurricanes and Texas Longhorns are on the fraud watch list

I don't think it's fair for us to put Miami on the fraud list just yet after one week. Let's put them on a watch list... questionable Miami. I would say Texas is also questionably fraud.

It is better to run trick plays as soon as they are ready rather than saving them for later

If you're gonna invest the time and the energy to install it [a trick play] and practice it on the field, then why wait? What could be another four weeks before you get actually get a chance to run it? You might as well capitalize on that opportunity right now.

Zion Williamson will be a Chicago Bull and his appearance in next year's dunk contest in the United Center will be an all-time moment

Zion going next year's dunk contest will be incredible because Zion Williamson, as a Chicago Bull, doing it in the United Center is going to be an all-time moment.

The Big 12 tournament court is the weirdest looking thing and it sucks to watch on TV.

The Big 12 because they're playing the tournament right now and their court is the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen in my entire life. And the commissioner of the Big 12 said that it's actually a resounding success because so many people are talking about it. ... it looks like if you've ever put on a VR headset and asks you to scan the room to know where the walls in the floor are, that's what it looks like. ... I feel like if you're a player on the court, you probably don't mind it that much. But if you watch it on tv it sucks ass.

Professional golf has a major branding problem if the audience prefers watching other athletes play it over the actual pros.

You have a problem with your sport when people would rather watch people from other sports playing your sport. Yeah, the best people at your sport, and it was thrilling and awesome.

Watching a golf tournament commentated by Darren Rovell, Danny Kanell, and Dude Perfect is like wishing for sports on a cursed monkey's paw

I saw that sports are coming back indeed in the form of a golf tournament this weekend, but the golf tournament is going to be commentated and narrated by the team of Darren Rovell, Danny Kanell, and Dude Perfect. I don't think you could have designed... I wished on sports to come back but I wished it on a cursed monkey's paw.

PFT Commenter will finally beat Hank in a ping-pong match

Tuesday tuned in, we're going to go dogs at three stool streams. PFT, I think PFT's going to win. I'm hear he's going to win ping-pong against Hank.

Dude Perfect is essentially a kids' show and I would rather have my son watch them than anything else on the internet.

It's a fucking kid's show. ... If my son shows me when he's nine years old, like 'Check out this, Dad, I found this,' I'm like, 'Good,' because I'd rather you watch this than whatever's out on the fucking internet. ... This is the good path for like a regular young kid.

Nobody is lining up to learn about Karl Malone — go watch Tiger King or some shit

I don't think there's nobody lining up out there wanting to know about Carl Malone, so why boring with that? Let's watch the Tiger King or some shit like that.

I couldn't take movie roles because playing a different character would ruin the Undertaker persona

I turned down other outside projects because to me, my mindset on this whole process was like I can't go and do a movie where I'm a different character and then come back and then try and be Undertaker. It was just too big of a disconnect.

Sammy Watkins is in a cult

My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being in a cult. ... As we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is in the cult for like the last three years on the show. Sammy really... talked about all the weird stuff. ... So now he's happy that he's in a cult.

Joel Embiid is an absolute monster when he is healthy

Joel Embiid is a fucking monster. He is a monster. Like, watching him play. When he's healthy. But he was a monster on Saturday. When he is out there, he looks like he's playing with little kids. Like, his hands are so much bigger than everybody. He's so much taller. He gets the ball in the post. There's nothing anyone can do.

True basketball fans prefer the Nuggets-Trail Blazers series over Warriors-Rockets

If you're a basketball purist, you say, forget about the Rockets and the Warriors just tricking each other into fouling on three-pointers. That's not basketball. You know what my basketball is? Guard play. Excellent guard play and good, crisp dribbling. And that's what you get in the Nuggets Trailblazers.

I need football back because I'm watching obscure sports like beach volleyball and under-20 soccer out of desperation

The amount of sports that are on that are sports I don't care about is an insane amount right now. And I just, this, my who's back is I need football back because I wrote down everything that I watched this weekend... I watched some WNBA. I watched some lacrosse. I watched some tennis. I watched some beach volleyball... I watched an under-20 soccer match that we lost.

Watching Monday Night Raw for a Stone Cold appearance is better than watching The Bachelorette

It's so lame that people watch that show [The Bachelorette]. Be a real man and watch three hours of Monday Night Raw just so that Stone Cold [Steve Austin] can come out for the last five seconds... I did that last night.

LeBron James' statement on China was so bad he could have claimed it was 'Opposite Day' 10 minutes later

He actually – it was such a bad statement that if he had come back and 10 minutes later been like not or like opposite day, he would have been good. He would have been good if he was like everything I said, that was a joke. I meant the opposite of that.

TJ Watt's injury might be a psychological 'Art of War' ploy to trick the Ravens

I have a theory about TJ Watt's injury... I think this could be an Art of War situation. Sun Sue Art of War. Make your enemy think that you were weak when you were strong... Start throwing out the one in 10 without TJ Watts Stats... Let people start thinking during the week of practice. Maybe TJ's not gonna be playing this week.

I'm starting to think the global pandemic was rigged so we would all be forced to watch soccer

I swear to God I'm starting to get to woke that this is all been rigged so that we all have to watch soccer... We're here, life is now just soccer with a little side of horse racing.

Ryan Switzer is a 'swaggy' player to watch out for

I like that little [Ryan] Switzer guy. He's swaggy out there. Beasley, he's been balling for a few years now, and he's created his niche.

JJ Watt is actually dead and has been replaced by a clone to cover up his social media absence.

I think J.J. Watt's dead... I think when he comes back, that's not J.J. Watt. That's going to be a clone that they've replaced him with. J.J. Watt... could not stay off social media for this long.