Takes

Markelle Fultz has the yips

Markel Fultz stinks... He's got the yips. And what's a great solution to the yips? Jimmy Butler, who's going to come in and basically walk in and say, I'm the alpha.

Bad things happen when Notre Dame wears green uniforms

When Notre Dame wears their green uniforms, bad things happen. 2007, they lost 38-0 to USC. 2006, you might remember, it was something a little called the Bush Push... 2002, they lost to Boston College as 10-point favorites... When they wear the green uniforms, bad things happen.

Roger Goodell stays in power by ensuring there are no strong successors

Part of the savviness of Roger Goodell is that if you want to stay in power a long time, don't hire strong number twos and threes that can replace you. And he has never hired or groomed, let alone even identified a successor.

Science has not proven what causes CTE or what CTE causes

It probably sparked the book more than anything is when i kept hearing this from the experts... is a pattern we don't know what causes it and we don't know what it causes we have cases where people have played football people who've played sports and people have not played sports and not had concussions and not had history of head trauma.

Subconcussion is not a scientific term and its use is misleading

You just used it as if it's common knowledge... You used the word subconcussion. They haven't even gone through the proper science steps to qualify that as science. ... It's not scientific and so the point is when you don't do the steps of science... there's so many science papers that talk about the abuse of that word, how it's misleading.

George Kittle is the second-best tight end in the NFL behind Travis Kelce

George Kittle... now he's probably the second-best tight end behind Travis Kelce in the league. Sick brag on our part. But George, this is us saying, please come on the show now that you're bigger than us.

I have a 50/50 success rate for making good movies

You always go in with the best intentions, and it's never for lack of effort, but they don't always turn out the way you hope. If you think about what gets you into the Hall of Fame in baseball is batting .300. I think I'm probably 50/50 with the movies that turned out to be good and worked versus movies that didn't.

Hugh Jackson is statistically the worst coach in NFL history

Out of 219 coaches with a minimum of 40 games coached, Hugh Jackson ranks 218th all-time in winning percentage. The only one who is worse, former Eagles head coach Burt Bell. He's last, but he couldn't be fired because he was also the owner. That's how bad Hugh Jackson is as a coach.

Ben Roethlisberger has used a computer less than ten times in his life

I'll say it right now. Since the day he left college, Ben Roethlisberger has sat in front of a computer less than ten times.

Todd Gurley is outscoring the entire Buffalo Bills team

Todd Gurley has seven more points than the entire Buffalo Bills team.

Zion Williamson chose Duke over Kansas solely for the free education

Zion... decided not to go to Kansas for said money or whatever occupational preferences... and instead decided he wanted to go get an education for free at Duke University... Can't a young person just change their mind and say, I'd rather not have money? I'd rather play for Coach K.

I possess the only existing copy of the Spygate video

The biggest story I ever had was the Spygate video... They destroyed what they thought was everything, and then I have the one remaining one. We aired it on Fox. It was my second week in studio at Fox... I have the only copy in existence.

The clutch gene is a real muscle that can be strengthened

Researchers who study the brains of athletes believe more and more that a so-called clutch gene exists. They've seen enough incremental improvement through brain training that they regarded as a muscle capable of being built and likewise atrophying.

The Jaguars are the ultimate up-and-down team that mails it in after big wins

The Jaguars are the ultimate up-and-down team. Every single week. If they have a big win, they will completely mail in the next week. And then off that, I think Doug Marrone just has them on a yo-yo.

Andrew Luck's shoulder is not fully healthy

When the Colts wanted to go Hail Mary, they brought in Jacoby Brissett. Andrew Luck's shoulder... maybe not as healthy as we think it is.

The best USFL teams would have been 7-9 caliber NFL teams

Philadelphia Stars back then would have been a 7-9 NFL team.

Patriots September losses never matter

The Patriots always lose these games in September. It never matters. I got another stat from this from Tim Whelan on Twitter. So the last three years in which the Patriots reached the Super Bowl, they lost by double digits within the first four weeks.

85% of NFL players are scared at the moment of contact when tackling

Every time you look at it, it's very rarely that there's a couple guys in the NFL who are really just coming in and they form tackle the right way. But every time people duck their heads, at the moment of contact, 85% of everybody gets scared. If you look at it, people's eyes are closed. They're scared of it. It's human nature.

The 2012 49ers offensive line was the best in NFL history

I'm sitting in the huddle looking around at everybody like, dude, we're about to have a fucking parade. ... because we had like the best offensive line in history. ... Of the 2012 year. Our offensive line was rolling that year.

You don't win Super Bowls by paying wide receivers big contracts

When [Odell Beckham Jr.] is healthy, [he] is you can make the argument the best wide receiver in the NFL... but you don't win Super Bowls by paying wide receivers that much. It just doesn't happen.

I threatened to quit my HBO show if they didn't let Artie Lange return for the second episode

I said, I'm either going to have Artie on the show for the second one, or I'm not going to do the show. And I quit. I said, not that this is me walking out of the presidency of the United States... But I said, I'm employed at Fox. I'm doing the World Series and the Super Bowl. You don't know me... But if you think I can't laugh at this... I am not going to go out there and act like it didn't happen.

I am a better athlete now at 34 than I was at 22

I think just to the naked eye, it's not visible that I'm a better athlete, but I am a better athlete, even at my age than I was at 22. ... at 34, like, I feel like I move as well or better than I did at 27. I just can't leap like I used to.

Salt water in the ocean is created by fish semen

It's brackish because that's where all the fish come. So when a fish jizzes... all that jizz has to go somewhere, and it just goes in the water and makes salt water.

Texas should not have had the final second to kick the winning field goal in the 2009 Big 12 Championship

They definitely shouldn't have had an opportunity to kick that field goal. Things happen for a reason... still don't know what that reason is for that particular situation... it was a little controversial to say the least.

Most sports media coverage of NFL contracts is based on lies because they don't look at the real numbers

I can't believe how bad everybody still is with contracts. NFL contracts, the first headline's a lie. and then it's the guaranteed money, and then it's what's paid out in the first three years. So if Odell's asking for a certain number, what he's really doing is manipulating the media because the media doesn't seem to want to put in the time to figure out what's really being asked for in the contract.

No ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl

I was on the radio with recurring guest Fred Smoot today... we were talking about who's going to win the MVP this year, and he came out with an awesome take. He said that no ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl. I think it's a trick question because once you win a Super Bowl, you become attractive. You get the glow up.

Donald Trump is officially on the stance of Joe Flacco being elite — he won a Super Bowl, so he'd say he's pretty elite

Donald Trump has also weighed in on the Joe Flacco elite debate. Somebody asked him that back in 2016, and his answer was he won a Super Bowl, so I'd say he's pretty elite. So yes, Joe Flacco — [Trump] is now officially on the stance of Joe Flacco being elite.

I'm never going to retire from the NBA

I'm not retired, man. I'm never going to retire from the NBA. Just leave that there.

The Lakers have 14 players other than LeBron James who know how to play basketball

the narrative that LeBron James doesn't have any good teammates... super cool Michael Beasley said... you got 14 guys other than LeBron James that know how to play basketball. Also fact.

Derek Jeter is such a fierce competitor that if he lost a bet to you, he would pay you entirely in pennies

He was such a competitor that if he lost, he would pay you in pennies... it would be like $100 on something stupid... he would literally have a bag of pennies the next day. And it wasn't like a dollar. It was like $100. That's a lot of pennies.

Tiger Woods has won a major in every country that has a Perkins restaurant

Tiger Woods has won a major tournament in every single country that has a Perkins restaurant. That's a fact. Well, there haven't been any majors played in Canada. I'll give it to him.

No two countries with American football have ever gone to war with each other

I sat back. I crunched the numbers. No two countries that have American football have ever gone to war with each other. [Countries like] Mexico. Canada. Canada... they have Canadian football. Yeah, it's the same thing.

Bryce Harper's Home Run Derby performance raised his value from $300 million to $450 million.

Colin Cowherd actually said that Bryce Harper, based on the home run derby, made $150 million last night. He's going to go from a $300 million guy to a $450 million guy because all the owners in baseball are going to lick their lips and be like, I want a piece of that ass.

If you name your kid Blake, he is guaranteed to win at least one reality TV competition in his life.

If you name your kid Blake, you do so knowing for a fact that he will win at least one reality TV competition in his life.

It is possible for an elite athlete to gain muscle on a vegan diet

There you go, Colin Kaepernick. There's proof that an elite athlete who's also a vegan can put on weight and muscle. Oh, yeah. Plenty of them.

If red hits 10 times in a row in roulette, it's more likely to hit red again

Red's hot. Red is hot. You're taking the human element out of the wheel. Red's dominating... I'd say more like 85% [chance].

We called LeBron James signing with the Lakers before it happened

LeBron James has signed. We called that, by the way. We were way out ahead of that one, so please credit us.

There is a 0% chance I will ever return to the NFL

I'd say if it was from zero to 100, 100 being yes, I thought about it, zero being I didn't think about it, I'd say anywhere into the negative 100,000.

Short people are being weeded out by natural selection

[Speaker 3] (1:21:17-1:21:25) No, if you look back in history, the human species has gotten taller as time has gone on, so the short people have been weeded out.

Russia is definitely doping and FIFA is choosing to ignore it

Russia's doping and FIFA doesn't care. There's a report that came out that basically the entire team doped in 2014, the entire team's doping now, and FIFA has actually gotten the documents and been like, eh, we'll just let this one slide.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

Kyrie Irving is waiting until 2019 to sign an extension to get $80 million extra

When [Kyrie Irving] said that he wasn't going to stay in a contract extension this summer with Boston, that is because if he waits until next year, he can get $80 million extra from Boston.

The World Cup ball skips too much this year

When you see that ball take its first bounce on a long pass, it skips. So in every World Cup, at the very start of it, people always freak out about something weird with the ball... This one, the ball skips. So I'm getting out ahead of that one. It skips a little bit too far, and you see a lot of whiffs on half volleys.

Hank is correct: MLB baseball seams are 9% bigger than in previous years

I saw an article in, I think it was The Athletic, that they tested baseballs. And the biggest difference between baseballs from, I think it was this year or last year, and say 2013 or 14, was the seams were 9% bigger. Hank is right. Hank is actually right.

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other. Please credit Pardon My Take. Please credit us for inventing that economic principle.

The MLB is likely 'juicing' balls by sewing stitches tighter to reduce air resistance

I've talked to Ron Darling... and he says the stitches are sewn tighter. They're not as elevated... Ronnie says when the ball leaves the bat, there's no seams to grab the air and the ball travels further. I never thought of that. And it makes perfect sense. They do other ways too. That little core there, they can make that thing like a rubber band as much as they want. But don't ever admit, throughout my playing day, there has always been talk of the ball's juiced and they want more home runs today. And the MLB will always deny it.

I use Grindr to find guys with good haircuts to ask where they get groomed

I signed up for a Grindr account on my phone and then I found the guys that I thought had the best looking haircuts and I messaged them to ask them all where they got their haircuts... It's foolproof.

The Capitals are a Team of Destiny because they beat the Lightning

Every single team that has defeated the Lightning in any round besides the first round went on to win the Stanley Cup. Team of Destiny. Doesn't get any more Team of Destiny than that. Now they're 2-0 in Stanley Cup this year. It's a dynasty.

I have eaten more bologna than anyone else in the world

I really believe that, at least at my age. I can say that for sure. No one can beat me in the bologna [eating competition].

Josh Allen can throw a football 92 yards

He can throw the ball 92 yards. 92s, exactly.