Takes

Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL

Would you say that Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL? If the Chiefs are playing, I have an option to watch that game. I'm watching that game every single time.

The Browns are publicly shaming Deshaun Watson by forcing him to continue playing quarterback.

What if we're just thinking about it wrong? What if this is just the Browns actually doing justice in a public shaming way. They're like, he's so bad. And we know he is so bad he can't play quarterback. We're just gonna make him continue to play quarterback and publicly shame him because that's the only justice he'll ever have. ... The only way that the league can punish him? Make him continue to play quarterback.

I would watch an NFL player flag football tournament in the off-season

If they do it correctly, it would be like a perfect, like, I wanna say May — just do like a three day tournament with all the players. I would watch that for flag football. If it was the NFL players playing, I would watch that.

I have more confidence in the 2023 Browns with Joe Flacco than I would if Deshaun Watson were still healthy

I feel so much more confident about the Cleveland Browns in 2023 than if Deshaun Watson had played the whole season. I can't believe I'm saying that sentence, but I fully believe it. Like I think Joe [Flacco], with how he's playing right now, is the perfect guy for this.

Deshaun Watson has to be benched

Deshaun Watson has to be benched. There was a moment in this game where I was like, holy fuck. How is this guy still playing? He doesn't want to go for it on fourth down... he stinks at football.

Lamar Jackson will not get a fully guaranteed contract like Deshaun Watson's

No, you're not gonna fully guarantee. You can give him a lot of guaranteed money... He wants the Deshaun Watson deal. From what I heard and that they're not gonna fully guarantee. The owners in this league don't want to fully guarantee contract. They were all mad that they did that in the first place.

Malcolm Butler was benched because of a gentleman's agreement trade between Bill Belichick and Sean Payton

Nobody knows why [Malcolm Butler was benched]... I actually think it's something else entirely. I think it's part of a gentleman's agreement between [Bill] Belichick and Sean Payton just to keep him healthy for the trade that is yet to be finalized. But it's definitely coming.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

JJ Watt's fast recovery from surgery is a result of using steroids

Steroids are back. JJ Watt had two huge sacks, not implying anything. I'm just saying. He had a really serious surgery a couple weeks ago, right? ... Jesus and steroids, shout out.

The Browns will find a way to mess up the draft even if Deshaun Watson is available

Dabo Swinney basically telling the Browns, don't fuck up, even though you're going to fuck up because you're the Browns and you always fuck up.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

The 49ers are no longer fun to watch and I'm very worried about them

I am very worried about the Niners now. I figured that they were gonna kick the shit out of the Seahawks today. ... I used to watch the 49ers play and be excited to watch them play. And that stopped when this season started. Even though they got Christian McCaffrey back, they're not fun to watch on offense right now.

Derrick Henry is officially on 2,000-yard watch

Derrick Henry... reached a thousand yards. We're on 2,000 yard watch. He is 1052 yards on the season. We are officially on 2,000 yard watch for Derrick Henry.

The NFL gave Deshaun Watson an 11-game suspension specifically so his return would be against the Texans

Why is it 11 games? That's a weird number. Right? So you look at the schedule that game that he'd be coming back would be against the Houston Texans. So they have to talk about it all the time throughout the entire game... Homecoming.

The Saints are officially on 'Quit Watch'

The Saints are officially on quit watch. Dennis Allen, Richard Sherman said at halftime, he's like, they're trying to get Dennis Allen fired. I wouldn't be shocked. And the Saints are just like—this was so—this was a bad game.

Mike Shanahan uses a virtual system called 'Shana-Cam' to watch all 49ers meetings and film, though calling him a 'shadow GM' is an exaggeration.

There is something at 49ers headquarters referred to as the 'Shana-Cam', where Mike Shanahan needs to watch meetings and practice ASAP virtually... Some people think he's the shadow gm. I think that's an exaggeration. But this is incredible.

Danny Woodhead Watches Film All Day And Sleeps In His Car

Never goes home 'cause he always goes hard. Watches film all day, and he sleeps in his car.

Dan Orlovsky will do a one-on-one sit-down interview with Deshaun Watson to teach him how to 'not be horny'

I think that we are going to get a, one-on-one sit down interview with Dan Orlovsky and Deshaun Watson. And he is going to set him straight on how to not be horny... Dan Orlovsky, according to his rules, it would be like, 'Deshaun, don't ever go to a room by yourself. Don't ever be in the same room as a woman.'

The Lions are better without Calvin Johnson because Matthew Stafford can spread the ball around

Is this the year that Matt Stafford finally makes the leap? I'm going to say yes. Calvin Johnson was holding him back. Better without Calvin Johnson. He can spread the ball around.

Deshaun Watson will be suspended for at least a full year

We're first reporting on Pardon My Take that Deshaun Watson will be suspended for [at least a full] year. Yep. On Friday... my guess is it will be a suspension for a year, and then the appeal is going to come through... then Goodell is going to be like, okay, I'll like reduce it to 14 games or 12 games.

You would never see the Rooney family make a move for someone like Deshaun Watson

I all say is that you would never see the Rooneys make a move like this [trading for Deshaun Watson].

Deshaun Watson is the perfect quarterback for the Browns because his off-field issues prevent the media from over-hyping the team

Deshaun Watson, everything off the field, I think he's the perfect quarterback for, for the Browns... because a lot of people don't wanna talk about the Browns 'cause of Deshaun Watson. So it tempers the Browns hype. And the Browns are one of those teams I put in the category of like never overhype the Browns.

The Broncos are the 'messiest bitches' in the NFL, but they are incredibly fun to watch.

The Broncos are the messiest bitches we got in the NFL. But they're fun. They're so fun. ... They'll fuck you crazy and then they'll, they'll freak out about a text message and, and get in a fight with you at a bar for the entire night and ruin your entire night. ... That's the Broncos.

Mike McDaniel showing up to a must-win game looking like the Unibomber was a bad omen for his job security.

Would you say that showing up to the game that will most likely get you fired as the Unibomber is probably not the best luck, because that's what Mike McDaniel looked like. ... Unibomber didn't get caught for being, for being such a wanted guy.

All NFL kickers are dorks, with the exception of Matt Prater

[Kickers are] dorks. Huge dorks. [Matt Prater] is not a dork. Matt Prater is a dude.

Bill Belichick manipulated Sean McVay into watching too much film for Super Bowl LIII by praising his dedication.

I believe that Bill Belichick knew that [Sean McVay] was going to go and watch too much film... He's been calling Sean McVay all season long... Telling him stuff and being like, Sean, one thing I really admire about you is your dedication to film study.

The Browns might actually be better without Deshaun Watson and Nick Chubb

Do you think that the Cleveland Browns are better without Deshaun Watson, Nick Chubb and Joel Bitonio? They might be. And you had a lot of people talking about the 49ers being super injured today. Well, the Browns, they they got you beat when it comes to major injuries.

Matthew Slater is the most 'Patriot' Patriot of all time

Matthew Slater... I feel like I'd never seen an interview from him. It was like this guy rocks. He probably knows everything. He was like the unassuming special teams guy... he's the most like Patriot Patriot of all time probably.

I'm officially on nervous watch that the Packers are going to make a run

I'm officially on—I'm nervous watch. I'm nervous that they're [the Packers] going to make a run. I change my—Packers fans know me well enough that I start to change my tone when I start to get really nervous... knowing that they're better than [their record].

Deshaun Watson will be suspended indefinitely for at least one year

Sean was suspended for, for a year, for a year, but also indefinitely. They're going to drop that one on, on Friday. Yup. Yup. Right before 4th of July.

TJ Watt is the Defensive Player of the Year

TJ Watt is defensive player of the year. And I know there's a lot of guys out there that could probably win it. He had three and a half sacks today... TJ Watt now has played 10 games this year. He has 16 sacks in 10 games. That's insane... TJ Watt definitely has moments where he just completely takes over a game... There's my vote.

Ryan Switzer is a 'swaggy' player to watch out for

I like that little [Ryan] Switzer guy. He's swaggy out there. Beasley, he's been balling for a few years now, and he's created his niche.

JJ Watt is actually dead and has been replaced by a clone to cover up his social media absence.

I think J.J. Watt's dead... I think when he comes back, that's not J.J. Watt. That's going to be a clone that they've replaced him with. J.J. Watt... could not stay off social media for this long.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are on fraud watch

To be consistent, we have to say that if they lose this game [against the Niners], we have to call the Jaguars frauds... they haven't done anything to really earn that. It's just that they haven't played anybody. No, they're on fraud watch.

Cody Kessler was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous, not to make the team better

I don't think [Kessler] was there to make Blake Bortles better. I think he was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous. And that's not a recipe for having a good football team.

The NFL rigged the first six games of the Browns' schedule for Deshaun Watson

Also NFL rigged: the first six games that they have are the easiest schedule in the league. We mentioned that on the schedule release, that the people were saying look at this, they're setting it up.

JJ Watt grunts and moans while chasing quarterbacks

No, [JJ Watt] is not a big talker at all. Like it's kind of – you kind of just – you hear him like grunting and moaning behind you as he's coming. He just makes noises, really.

The 49ers are on fraud watch if they lose to the Bengals

Next week it's gonna be the 49ers and the Bengals. Ooh, I'm gonna say this is a must win for the 49ers in that if they lose it, their frauds, they're, they're on fraud watch right now... we are going to call them frauds if they get beat by the Bengals.

The Steelers are officially on 'fraud watch' if they lose to the Bengals

I think the Steelers are on fraud watch for me. I I do. I I mean I I, their defense is very, very good... but this is a game that I, if the Bengals get life back in this, I, I'm putting the Steelers on fraud watch.

TJ Watt is unhappy in Pittsburgh and wants to leave

TJ Watt... he's gonna cost a lot of money. I think he's unhappy and I think he wants to go... I could imagine TJ Watt wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey.

Deshaun Watson mentoring Shedeur Sanders is like an old person getting a pet

Lucky for Shedeur Sanders, he found a mentor in Cleveland that's taking him quote under his wing. It is Deshaun Watson. Deshaun Watson has stepped up to show the young guy the ropes... I think this is maybe a situation like who saved who, like an old person getting a pet?

The Browns will be a very good team in two years once they clear Deshaun Watson's contract.

I actually think that the Browns might be in a good position for the next, like two, two years from now. ... Deshaun Watson, I think has an $80 million cap hit that's about to kick in. ... I actually think two years from now, the Browns could be a very good team.

The New York Giants are finally fun to watch

The New York Giants are fun as fuck. It's weird, isn't it? You expect them to occasionally pop up and be a good football team, but in a very boring way. And this is a team that like, I wanna watch more Giants football games.

The Chicago Bears getting Jay Cutler was the worst trade of all time

So my worst trade of all time probably, I know this is my fourth, but it's really the worst, was the Chicago Bears getting Jay Cutler. Really bad trade. Very terrible trade.

Aaron Rodgers might be washed because Davante Adams chose to play with Matthew Stafford over waiting for him

That also might mean that Aaron Rogers could be washed. Because Davante Adams [to the] Rams. Wouldn't you think he would be like, oh, I'm gonna wait to see where Rogers goes. And he is like, no, I'd actually rather just go with Stafford.

Case Keenum is officially on 'Swag Watch' because Swag Kelly is nipping at his heels

My hot seat is Case Keenum because we are on Swag Watch 2018. Swag Kelly is now the second-string quarterback for the Denver Broncos, nipping at Case's heels, and he's looking pretty good doing it.

I am betting the over on Super Bowl 54 no matter what the line is

The opening line for the Super Bowl is Chiefs minus 1 over unders 53, I'm gonna take the over no matter. What for everything. Yeah. I don't care.

Brandon Weeden's NFL career was ruined by being drafted by the Browns

Brandon Weeden's pretty much the same way. ... fortunately he got drafted by the Browns. That'll do it to your career. It didn't quite work out.

Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson will be part of a 'sneaky good' QB class

I have a feeling this year's class... Pat Mahomes, Mitch Trubisky, Deshaun Watson, and even DeShone Kizer, all four have a chance to be sneaky good, I think, in the NFL. So maybe that trend's reversing back a little bit.

Jalen Carter will win NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year

Jalen Carter's gonna win [Defensive Rookie of the Year]. He is a record man. Jalen Carter's gonna win.