Takes

Opioids are far more addictive and dangerous than marijuana

For everyone out there, opioids are way, way more addictive and bad for you than marijuana.

I bought a $160,000 Tesla so I would be forced to quit dipping

So the plan was to buy a Tesla so that I could quit dipping because then I wouldn't have to go to the gas station anymore. So now I just go to the gas station just to buy dip.

I was definitely willing to break the arm of the man trying to steal my car

Were you willing to break his arm? Because that's a true armbar. Oh, yeah. I was definitely willing to break his arm. Yeah, but he basically was like, stop and cry. He basically verbally tapped. Yeah, he verbally tapped, but that didn't stop me.

I will likely lose weight when I retire because I only eat this much to maintain my size

I think I'll lose weight [when I retire]... because I don't necessarily love eating as much as I do. I know I have to. So it's much more now of just eating to keep the weight on and keep the muscle on. But when I'm done, I'll probably eat three regular meals a day and not get crazy with it.

The ground is flat but the earth is round

Ground is flat, but the earth is round.

If you rebranded Fyre Fest and put it back out there in two years, people would buy tickets again

I think you could just basically take all the marketing material from Fyre Fest and in two or three years rebrand it and put it back out there and people would buy again. I would, I want to go right now.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

Chinese food lacks cheese because of lactose sensitivity in Asia

I actually know the answer to this. Because Asian people, by and large, are more sensitive to lactose. So when they first opened up ice cream shops and stuff like that over in China, most people got sick and went out of business.

It is possible for an elite athlete to gain muscle on a vegan diet

There you go, Colin Kaepernick. There's proof that an elite athlete who's also a vegan can put on weight and muscle. Oh, yeah. Plenty of them.

You could walk onto an Amtrak train with a bomb and no one would stop you

I hate to say this because I imagine some people are going to hear this... You could walk onto this train with a bomb... I'm talking about a sign that says, I have a bomb, and nobody would ask any questions.

Bike sharing programs are an eyesore and will block sidewalks

In my town, you're done with it, you leave it. Doesn't matter where... Just throw it on the side of the road... You can't even walk on the sidewalk... You will eventually have to jump over these.

NFL players miss out on all the fun parts of the fall because of the schedule

All the cool shit happens on a fall Saturday night. All my buddies hit me up and I get the worst FOMO sitting in the hotel... I could have been having a drink with Kenny Powers [Danny McBride] and I'm in a hotel [in Buffalo].

I will never race Darren Rovell in a marathon

Darren Rovell has challenged me to a marathon. It is the dumbest challenge ever... You could triple dog, quadruple dog, infinity dog dare me to run a marathon, and I'll just sit there and be like, no, because it looks awful.

Baggy clothes will eventually come back into fashion

Everything is going to come full circle. The baggy clothes... I still have my Coogee sweaters. And they're starting to slowly come back. It's going to all come back, bro.

Getting an honorary doctorate makes JJ Watt think he's an actual medical doctor

JJ Watt thinks that getting an honorary doctorate makes him an MD. He's actually a doctor now... He literally thinks that he can go and operate on someone. When he's next on a plane and someone has a stroke or a heart attack, 'Is there a doctor on this plane?' JJ's like, 'Yes, that's me.'

Wisconsin cities are the Mount Rushmore of drunks

USA Today ranked the top 10 drunkest cities in America... seven [were from Wisconsin]. Green Bay is number one, Eau Claire, Appleton, Madison. They have all four of the top four. They are the Mount Rushmore of drunks.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

If you want bigger arms, you should focus on your triceps instead of your biceps

If you want bigger arms first, I would focus on triceps because they're a bigger, meatier muscle. And you probably will do, like, more pressing movement, so you'll get bigger everything kind of.

There is a 0% chance the falling Chinese satellite hits me

There's 0% chance the Chinese satellite hits me. Okay. 0% chance. I'm just saying. I'm not scared.

Banks should show you your recurring monthly charges so you can see where you're wasting money

How come when I log into my Bank of America account... all I really want to see is what my recurring monthly charges are? Because I'm sure I'm probably spending $200 a month on stuff that I don't use anymore. How come banks just haven't figured out a way to be like, hey, here's what you're wasting money.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

Curling will not become a mainstream popular sport in America

I'm not going to hate on curling. But don't fucking tell me curling is going to be big... don't start doing the Darren Revell and telling me that esports are going to take over the world and our kids are going to be playing curling soon... it's shuffleboard that we play when we're drunk at a bar.

I'm going to pretend it's summer for my mental health and start tanning on Tuesdays

I'm so fucking sick of winter... I've just decided I'm going to pretend that it's summertime. I'm going to get back into wearing Hawaiian shirts. I'm going to go tanning. Shorts are back... I'm going to go tanning on Tuesdays. I'm going to just be so far in denial of winter.

Fortnite is the hottest game in the streets and is curing kids' depression

Fortnite, the hottest game in the streets. It's free... You're hearing stories about these kids who finally win a game or two of Fortnite, and their whole lives they get cured from depression.

Humans, not rats, were the true cause of the Bubonic Plague

My Cool Throne is rats... turns out they didn't cause the bubonic plague. Really? We've been blaming rats for the last, like, 600 years. Turns out we're way off. No, it's humans. We were projecting on rats.

I am quitting tobacco dipping and switching to Black Buffalo

My next one is Quit Dipping... I'm going to quit dipping tobacco. My boy's Black Buffalo. They got the new dip... It's no tobacco, tea leaves, and nicotine. So I quit dipping, but I'm going to dip every day.

Razors in Halloween candy is a total myth

That's fake news. That never happens. You hear it every year, and you're like, parents, be careful... That's not true. There's nobody out there that's ever done the razor trick, in my opinion.

Neil Armstrong spelled backwards is 'Alien'

Neil Armstrong. First person walking the moon, right?... Neil A. Spelled backwards. Alien.

Gambling is for the rich to lose money and is the biggest lie in America

the world has been seduced into thinking you win money gambling, which is the biggest lie since probably the Bible's true... whoever taught someone, gambling is for the rich to lose money. But the whole youth of America and America thinks you're supposed to win money gambling. So I tell it like it is. I explain to people, you don't win money gambling, you lose money gambling. Gambling is made to have fun and lose your money.

There are more wild camels in Australia than in the Middle East

There are more feral camels in Australia than the Middle East. ... In Dubai, they buy their camels from Australia. They import them.

Cold urine smells less than warm urine, which is why bars put ice in urinals

cold piss does not smell as much as warm so is that what it is is it is that why okay because we always just assumed because we're guys we like to pee on snow and ice... I can tell you this. Cold piss does not smell as much as warm.

Befriend your TA instead of your professor to get better grades in college

You got to befriend your TA because that's the guy who's going to be reading everything. That's the guy who's going to be doing your grade. That's the guy or girl who is going to be deciding your fate. So forget the professor. Go find the TA.

Hot dog buns are significantly harder to eat since Wonder Bread went out of business

I did notice when Wonder Bread went out of business years ago, and then the buns changed a little bit. They seemed to get harder, but then eventually they found another company that were similar specs.

Tom Brady can chug beer faster than anyone

Dude, he, you could not have poured the beer out faster if you just poured it out. And he crushed it and slammed the cup down like Gronk scoring a touchdown. His intensity, it was unbelievable. And I remember thinking, like, this dude has every positive male quality known to man.

Winning the Belmont Stakes is less valuable to horse breeders than winning the Derby or Preakness

The mile and a half distance of the Belmont Stakes is such a rarity in American racing that winning the Belmont doesn't mean nearly as much to breeders if you're going to retire to stud than winning the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness. You've got a grand total of one grade one stakes in America running a mile and a half on dirt, and that's the Belmont.

Tapwrit is a must-play for the Belmont Stakes trifecta

I think [Tapwrit] is a must play in the trifecta. Absolute must play and maybe even must play in the exactas. Todd Pletcher has this thing figured out... They come into the Belmont, his home track. They're really rested, ready to roll.

Don't bet on Ben's Cat in the Jim McKay Turf Sprint because he is too old

Don't bet Ben's Cat. He's a real popular horse that's going to run in the Jim McKay turf sprint. He's 11 years old, which is like playing in the NFL at age 70... Ben's cat being 11 would probably be the equivalent of a 45, 46-year-old player in the NFL.

95% of sports teams end their season in heartbreak

Caring about sports is overrated... People forget that 95% of teams lose at the end of the season. Their season ends in heartbreak. I don't know if I did the math right. It's about 95%.

One hour of Facebook use per day leads to worse mental health

Harvard Business Review published a study, and they said that everyone who uses one hour or more of Facebook per day has markedly worse mental health in their life, which is why I don't use Facebook anymore.

There is no point to checking out of a hotel; it's a vestige of the past

Explain to me what the reason of checking out of a hotel is... Today I walked down the lobby and there was a line all the way out the door of people waiting to check out. What is the point? They're nerds... Clocks are a vestige of the past. I tell my own time.

Every professional swimmer pees in the pool

[Connor Dwyer] said he's peed in every pool he's been in. Are you the same? Oh, by all means... the good thing about us swimmers is we have the biggest toilet in the world.

Adam Morrison has an apocalypse bunker and is fully equipped for the end of the world

The guy is fully equipped if there was an apocalypse. He's got food stashed in the way, everything. So he could survive anything. He's got guns, everything. He's got a bunker, everything. He's a pro. I don't think I can compare myself to him because I know all that stuff.

If an apple smells like apples, do not buy it

If it smells appley, do not take that apple. If it smells appley, it's soft. It's like apple sauce. If it has no smell, then it's crisp and firm, and that's the apple you want.

Every person who hasn't chewed tobacco has eventually died

Every person that hasn't chewed tobacco has died in history. A little sabermetrics word. Or will die. Just written facts, dude.

White is the combination of every single color

white is a combination of every single color out there so they [the Packers] actually had the most colorful uniforms people didn't realize that

The selfie is the new autograph

I don't really do a lot of autographs. I do a lot more pictures. I think I've had more pictures taken by me in the last year than anybody. The selfie is the new autograph.

Getting shot in the arm feels like being hit by a golf ball at close range

It doesn't feel hot at all. It feels like you're standing in a tee box and somebody just lines up a golf ball and smokes, checks the shit out of you with the golf ball.

I will never compete in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest again

I've survived to tell my tale. I'll never do it again. But it was a great experience to have.

I will eat at least 10 hot dogs in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

I am going to get double digits. It's going to shock the world. People are going to be like, you know what? All I want is I'm not going to win the contest. But I want at the end of the contest for whoever the Todd McShay, Mel Kiper of the hot dog eating world is to be like, here's a riser for next year, guys. Watch out for him.

Grit Week participants should only pack underwear and laptops, buying all other clothes daily from thrift stores

Since it's Grit Week, we got to go out there. We got to scrap. We got to hustle for everything that we earn. So every morning, we're going to go to a thrift store, buy our clothes for that day, depending on the weather.