Takes

Brandon Weeden's NFL career was ruined by being drafted by the Browns

Brandon Weeden's pretty much the same way. ... fortunately he got drafted by the Browns. That'll do it to your career. It didn't quite work out.

Bob Costas was a better Olympic broadcaster when he had pink eye.

My big thing is I miss pink eye Bob Costas. It's not the same with him with two functional eyeballs out there. I miss it. I miss it. He was so good when he was playing hurt. I actually think he was better when he only had one eye.

The Rams are one of the most fun teams to watch because Matthew Stafford is so volatile

Oh, I love the Rams. You know why? Because they don't score 20 points every week. They like sometimes score, like sometimes Stafford is like 40 points and then some weeks, nothing. It's so fun.

If you have a problem watching Patrick Mahomes, you have a problem watching football

If you have a problem watching [Mahomes] play quarterback, you have a problem watching football. That's true. I mean, you don't have to root for him. But don't, ah, appreciate greatness. No, stop it.

SkyCam is the superior way to watch football because it shows the verticality of the game

Football's a vertical game. You need to see how it goes downfield. You don't get that from the sideline camera angle. Us all 22 guys, we live for the Skycam.

Bill O'Brien doesn't know how to coach Deshaun Watson

[Bill O'Brien] doesn't know how to coach Deshaun Watson, that's pretty clear. He was like putting him in shotgun and running the ball in fourth and one on the goal. I don't know what the hell he's doing.

Fans should respect my privacy and absolutely not watch the Commanders vs. Broncos game on Sunday Night Football.

Why is this game on Sunday night football? It sucks... Nobody should watch this game. Yeah. Like it, it honestly feels perverted that you would want to tune and watch this. This is a personal matter that I have that I'm dealing with... please respect my privacy.

I enjoy watching the Broncos on primetime because the brand of bad football is a fascinating story every time

I actually, I'm gonna say this and I know this, people will be like, 'Oh, you're just saying this to be opposite,' I enjoy having the Broncos on primetime football because every time it's a story. It's bad football but you see something new every time and it's a weird story. It became so hilariously bad that it's interesting. There's something about a Broncos primetime game that it's fascinating to watch because it's just a car crash for 60 minutes plus.

Modern NFL executives and coaches don't watch enough game tape

There's no substitute for putting tape or film or video... on and watching a guy play. There's no substitute, and there's not enough good people in the league that are studying tape. I would go on a limb and say there's executives in this league that don't know how to watch tape or would rather not watch tape.

Playing in Houston, Boston, and New York takes a greater physical and mental toll on players than other cities

Games in Houston, Boston, New York, playing in the places like that, where you feel like the team's, the pressure's constantly on and the fans are on top of you and it's hot. Those take a little more outta you.

Winning three Heismans is a greater accomplishment than winning a national championship

Would you rather have a national championship or three Heismans? And a civil conflict. Easy. Three Heismans. I've won the Heisman every place I've gone, so that's a recruiting [pitch]. Like, hey, you want to win a Heisman? Come be with Coach Duggs because guess what? When he's up 30 points, he's still going to pad those stats.

I am rooting for the Knicks to reach the NBA Finals specifically so I can watch them get their hearts broken

I'll be rooting for the Knicks to win the Eastern Conference... Ooh, that's huge... I want, I want the Knicks to get their heart broken.

Portland is the #1 NBA city because the fans have nothing else to do except hike and watch basketball

I actually, along those same lines, I went Portland. Especially with the old Jailblazers. Those guys used to have a real good time out there. I think Portland has some of the best fans... That's because they're homeless, so they don't have anywhere else to go. No one in Portland has a job. They move around from bookstore to food truck to Trailblazers games.

The 'Player to be Named Later' in baseball trades is enticing because it sounds like they could be anyone, even a Hall of Famer

But the player to be named later, it sounds really enticing. It's like, that guy could be fucking awesome. Could be anyone. Yeah, could be a Hall of Famer.

Jabari Parker was benched because he started the mutiny against the Bulls' practice

Jabari Parker, he has been benched because, and this is, I mean, I have no sources to back me up except my own brain, but he was clearly the guy who started the mutiny, right? Because he didn't want to practice. He doesn't want to play defense.

The secret to life is being nice to everyone because you might need something from them later.

I think that's just the guide for life it's like just treat everybody nice because you never know what you're going to need from them later.

I no longer want Todd Bowles to coach the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I would like Todd Bowles no longer to coach with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers anymore. Anyone else, I'm in.

Cooper Flagg should go to the NBA this year no matter which team drafts first

Cooper, this is why you gotta go to the NBA. No matter who drafts you, no matter who is in position to the lottery, you're risking injury... If the Wizards get the first lotto pick, don't even think twice. Go to the NBA.

JJ Watt still manually buys and alphabetizes music on iTunes

JJ Watt would be a guy who buys music still in 2016. Right. He spends $9.99 for every album and he's got like a very careful, everything's in like perfect order on his iTunes alphabetized. He's got the album artwork set up and everything.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

I would love to watch a WNBA matinee game on a summer afternoon

I would especially love it if they had a game this afternoon a little matinee with the play in the summertime when kids go to camp. ... I would love to watch the Sky and Mercury.

I am going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on anything

I got like a little bit of bad news... I'm going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on any of them. So I have responsibly reached the end of my allocated fund for myself that I had through November.

J.J. Watt is rattled because he tweeted at me out of nowhere

Here's why I think and I know that J.J. Watt is rattled. This was a totally unsolicited tweet from him... He just tweets me out of nowhere and he says, I thought we were friends now, man... You don't tell someone to have a great day unless you're, like, rattled.

Watching the NBA makes you realize how bad college basketball players are at shooting

You watch college basketball for three straight weeks, and then you switch back to the NBA, and you actually wonder if the NBA has bigger rims, because every shot seems to go in. It's like, oh, hey, that open three-pointer, they made it. Oh, wow, a guy didn't just throw one off the backboard when the shot clock's expiring.

A J.J. Watt jersey is the least intimidating jersey an NFL fan can wear.

The least intimidating jersey has to be a J.J. Watt jersey.

I am going to physically assault Dennis Allen if I have to watch Andy Dalton start for the Saints for the rest of the season.

I'm not saying that I'm gonna beat the shit outta Dennis Allen, but if I have to watch Andy Dalton for the rest of the season, I'm gonna, I'm gonna punch him. Yeah. I, I'm gonna punch, I'm gonna, I'm going find Dennis Allen. I'm gonna punch him. Yeah. Not his face. I'm gonna give him like a Charlie horse. ... I'm gonna physically assault Dennis Allen.

I only enjoy watching baseball when my team is on offense

What I said was... I like when my team is on offense, and I don't like when my team is on defense. [It's because] in the short series, every [pitch] is so important. You lose one and you're just back that much.

The 7:10 AM start for the Olympic gold medal hockey game is a 'non-starter' and prevents half of North America from watching

Seven ten is... that's too early. Half half of North America's gonna be asleep... Why did they, can they not move it? This is gonna be the biggest fucking thing.

You play golf better when you're hungover

That just backs up, I think what a lot of us already know, which is you play golf better when you're hungover. Because you're like, get me the fuck out of the sun. I wanna get home. So you play faster.

Matt LaFleur is the best looking coach from the former Washington staff

He is the best looking guy. The best looking guy. He's the best looking. And I'll say this because I know Sean McVay would get upset, but he's, he's of the, of the fun bunch of that group. He's by far the best looking guy. Not even close.

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world now. It's official. This is birthday week. [He] wants you to think that he's Rocky training for Ivan Drago and pushing logs up a snowy hill all winter [but] he's got a mansion in Wisconsin with a Starbucks five miles away.

The primary reason people watch sports is to have a default topic of conversation to use with strangers or friends

The reason why we watch sports collectively is that it gives you something to talk about with a stranger if the conversation otherwise lags, or with a friend. If everyone was enlightened in a hundred different subjects, then the conversation would never lag because you could talk about leaves and insects... so you're not limited to that.

A documentary of Lenny Dykstra looking for God would be the most watched thing ever

This is the greatest story of all time. Lenny Dykstra's pursuit to find God. How is this not a Netflix documentary? This would be the most watched thing of all time. Lenny Dykstra just walking around the world looking for God.

Floyd Mayweather was a genuinely good guy until he used a homophobic slur

I thought Floyd Mayweather was a genuinely good guy until he dropped that hard F-bomb. That's the most problematic thing that these guys have done is use words that they shouldn't.

The Warriors are more fun to watch without Kevin Durant

The question now is, are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? I think what you're seeing is they're more fun to watch without Kevin Durant. They are absolutely more fun to watch. They play a more interesting brand of basketball. Steph Curry is allowed to be Steph Curry.

Bill Belichick manipulated Sean McVay into watching too much film for Super Bowl LIII by praising his dedication.

I believe that Bill Belichick knew that [Sean McVay] was going to go and watch too much film... He's been calling Sean McVay all season long... Telling him stuff and being like, Sean, one thing I really admire about you is your dedication to film study.

College football is fundamentally better when Nebraska is a good program

They're the quintessential college football is better when Texas is a good program. You know, it's like Texas. It's Notre Dame and Nebraska is like the third one of those programs. College football is better when Nebraska is good. That's a fact.

The Phoenix Suns are better without Chris Paul

I think in a sick way they definitely are better without Chris Paul. 100%. Because if you got Devin Booker and Kevin Durant, those guys, they can both create their own shots... they're not reliant on Chris Paul to run their offense.

There is a zero percent chance LeBron James watched the WNBA draft

There's no way he watched a WNBA draft. There's a 0.0% chance. If he was watching WNBA draft, he would have tweeted it during the WNBA draft, not 24 hours later being like just a thought I've had on my mind recently.

College basketball is better when Duke is the villain

College basketball is better when Duke is the villains. So I'm happy for the tournament. I'm excited. Shut everyone up.

Matthew Slater is the most 'Patriot' Patriot of all time

Matthew Slater... I feel like I'd never seen an interview from him. It was like this guy rocks. He probably knows everything. He was like the unassuming special teams guy... he's the most like Patriot Patriot of all time probably.

Watching athletes who are younger than you is demoralizing

When you get past your thirties, something that really sucks is all the athletes you're watching are younger than you. And being like, like you start calling athletes, kid, and like, shit like that, where you're like, oh, okay. Like Luca Doncic is like 13 years younger than me. Like that shit just like, kind of fucks you up.

Central Time is the best time zone for watching sports.

Central time is the best time to watch sports. No question. [Big Cat:] No question.

Ryan Switzer is a 'swaggy' player to watch out for

I like that little [Ryan] Switzer guy. He's swaggy out there. Beasley, he's been balling for a few years now, and he's created his niche.

J.J. Watt's new logo looks like a cheap energy drink and a bad tattoo

J.J. Watt. Come on, man. He basically made a logo that looks like a cheap, crappy energy drink slash awful tattoo... symbolizing buildings getting taller because his work ethic... literally no one forgets [he was a walk-on] because JJ tells us every single fucking day.

The Jalen Suggs buzzer-beater is the third-best in NCAA Tournament history

I think this makes it three... Chris Jenkins is number one because you won the title... I think that's two [Laettner], but I think this makes it three.

George Steinbrenner was the greatest owner in sports history

Best owner ever. I had the utmost respect because I don't think I've ever seen an owner that wants to win as much as George Steinbrenner wanted to win. Like, literally, we played 162 games. I really think that he wanted us to win 162 games, like not one loss.

Deshaun Watson probably has a burner account on Twitter

He also might have created a burner account after the game... allegedly from Deshaun, I think it was called the Twitter account, was like Gainesville raised or something like that. All the tweets that he had were about Deshaun Watson replying to people... saying not his fault.

The Oregon basketball court is the worst court design of all time

The Oregon court is the worst court of all time. I hate that court. It looks like it's warped. Every time I see that court, I get fucking so mad.