Takes

It is only socially acceptable to burn LeBron James' jersey

Any player that is a traitor to the town that he was born in and then leaves twice. That's fair. So LeBron James. It is now socially acceptable only to burn LeBron James' jersey.

Anyone who isn't 'Team Russillo' is on the wrong side of history

This is a heavy one, but you don't want to be on the wrong side of history. So if you're not Team Russillo, you're going to be on – history will not look fondly upon you.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

Oatmeal raisin is the number one cookie of all time

Number one of all cookies ever is oatmeal raisin cookies. I love the texture of oatmeal and cookies. I think it adds something to the texture that I like.

The Patriots would be viewed as frauds if not for the coaching collapses of Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid

A 30 for 30 about how everybody would look at the New England Patriots as being the biggest chokers of all time if it weren't for the three biggest Super Bowl collapse coaching jobs with Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid forgetting how clocks work. If it wasn't for those three, then everybody would say, I think the word we'd be using with the Patriots wouldn't be dynasty. It would be fraud.

19% of current MLB players use steroids

I'm going to say... 19% [of MLB players use steroids]. They have a drug testing problem and they have a penalization problem. Chemists are starting to get one step ahead and start maintaining that one step ahead of the drug testing.

Bryce Harper will eventually sign with the Philadelphia Phillies

If you were to ask me straight up, [Harper goes to] Philadelphia. Philadelphia... Because it's 212 feet to right field, 279 to center, and 175 feet to left. So he's thinking Hall of Fame... Where can I hit 700 home runs? Philadelphia.

Tom Brady showed signs of regression in the 2016 playoffs despite winning the Super Bowl

The playoffs last year weren't great. I know they won the Super Bowl, they came back, but in the fourth quarter of that Falcons game, if you go through it, he threw the ball to defenders. On the Edelman catch, if you look at where that ball arrives and where he threw it, it was straight to the defender... That's just lucky.

Malik Jackson claims the Jaguars will win the Super Bowl this year

Malik Jackson, Super Bowl champion Malik Jackson... two-time Super Bowl champion because he said earlier this week that he's going to win the Super Bowl this year with the Jaguars.

Floyd Mayweather is a 'small little boy' and that's why the media glosses over his past

Hey, Floyd's a little boy. That's why. He's a small little boy. He's not this big heavyweight guy that everybody's afraid of. He doesn't come across as a woman neither because he's a little guy.

I could make the pros in five years as a knuckleball pitcher with seclusion and a personal chef

I said if you put me in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a personal chef and a knuckleball specialist, I could be in the pros within five years. I think with some training, seclusion, and just a lot more training, I could make it to the double A's and then, you know, who knows what happens from there.

Deontay Foreman should become a Second Amendment activist to resolve his PR issues in Texas

This is a very on-brand thing in Texas, to have a gun. Everyone's got a gun in Texas. Just become a huge Second Amendment guy. Deontay Foreman should go into the Houston Chipotle with an AR-15 strapped over your shoulder. ... Then I'm sure you'll get all the NRA people just absolutely 100% having their back.

Owning a dog and having a child are essentially the same thing

Owning a dog and a kid, same thing. Yeah, for example, sometimes my dog, he sleeps in really, really late, and I have to wake him up to take him outside to use the restroom. ... Stella's taken care of all day [by a walker], just like your baby.

The Marlins fake their attendance numbers using Wi-Fi logins

I bet the Marlins do their attendance based on how many people log into the Wi-Fi every night. It kept on kicking us out like every 10 minutes, and then it would just come right back on. I bet the Marlins count it as like 50 people... every single person counts for like 15.

Dentist offices should be installed on airplanes to save time

I'm also the guy who has the idea that we should start having dentist offices in planes so we can, you know, kill two birds with one stone... obviously we're gonna have to get through some of these hurdles [like turbulence].

John Calipari intentionally finishes in the Final Four instead of winning titles to avoid NCAA sanctions

Calipari, yeah, he's crooked. He's rigged. But guess what? He's not drawing all that attention to himself by flaunting his rings. He's staying right behind. He's got his rabbit pace car that he's chasing. And he's fine. That's how he gets away with it. That's why he's slick Cal.

Kentucky is a football school now

Mark Stoops, we talked to him about Kentucky's a football school now. We decided.

Lauri Markkanen is a bum who is soft and sucks

I find out they drafted... Lauri Markkanen from Arizona. I am now going to sell myself on this guy, which is going to be the greatest spin zone of all time, because we went to the Pac-12 championship game, and I think we said multiple times, this guy fucking sucks. He's a bum. He's soft.

Jim 'Bones' Mackay was Phil Mickelson's personal bookie

Phil Mickelson and his caddy, Bones... they are splitting up. I mean, we all know why, right? Two reasons. One, Phil didn't go to the U.S. Open... and two, Bones was probably Phil's bookie, and Phil probably can't gamble anymore.

Mike Brady is a beta male for raising kids that aren't his

Mike Brady [is] raising somebody else's kids. He's got to pay for all their education and their trips to Disney World. Those weren't even his kids. He's not a real man. He's a beta male. He's stuck paying for an alpha male's problem.

Dennis Rodman is the greatest American diplomat in history

Dennis Rodman... has proven that he is the greatest American diplomat in history... He just went to North Korea. But he freed that hostage that was over there.

You cannot be the GOAT of tennis if your specialty is clay

I don't think that you can be GOAT if your specialty is the clay. It's like basically Steph Curry using the three-point shot as his crutch. If we want to get into it, really the goat should just be the best player on grass.

Persistence and annoyance are the keys to winning over a woman who has rejected you

Here's one thing I know about women. If they tell you, no, I don't want to date you, the more persistent you are and the more annoying you are to them, then eventually they'll let you in. Yeah. Just comment on all of her Instagram pictures. That will work.

LeBron James ruined the competitiveness of the NBA and deserves to be swept

This fucking guy created this big three bullshit, this AAU friends and family banana boat in the summer bullshit. He started this shit. And now they created a big four... I hope they fucking swept. And then the nail will be in the fucking coffin. You're not like Mike. You're never going to be like fucking Mike.

Draymond Green did not actually kick LeBron James in the groin in the 2016 Finals

No, that didn't happen... I'm saying that LeBron James had no idea that he even hit the fabric when that happened, and not until he went to the locker room and he saw the videotape, and then he became LeBron Blames... The dick kick didn't happen.

Every player on the Pittsburgh Penguins is using steroids

The Penguins did their – I think everybody on the Penguins is using steroids. I'm going to put it out there. You know what? I think that's the only explanation. They're really good in game sevens when the other team is always super tired. I'm putting it out there. Cheaters, all of them.

Duke bullied the refs into calling the 2015 Championship game differently at halftime

That Final Four, that championship game, would you agree with my assessment that Coach K got to the refs at halftime and basically bullied them into calling a completely different second half? Therefore, Wisconsin technically was the national champion.

Guys need big pubic bushes to make their dicks look bigger

Evolutionarily speaking, guys needed big bushes to make their dicks look bigger... Right. I don't know if you've seen a lot of penises recently, but they're not great looking solo. So you need a lot of distractions.

The 2017 Detroit Lions will finish the regular season 12-4

I'm going to say that we, in the regular season, let's say 12 and 4. [Big Cat: Guaranteed 12 wins.] [Graham: Guaranteed.]

Tiger Woods' career is officially over

Tiger I listen all you tiger fanboys out there just i want you to do something for me right now sit down listen up you ready it's over. It's over.

Russell Wilson should become a pharmacist to write Adderall prescriptions for the Seahawks defense

What if Russell goes back to school in the off-season? Here's what you do, Russ. Go to school, become a pharmacist. And then just write unlimited [Adderall] prescriptions.

If an Olympic medal deteriorates, the athlete shouldn't be considered the winner anymore

I think the medals that were won in this Olympics, if they deteriorate, they shouldn't count. If the medal's gone, you didn't win it.

Pee on your hands releases pheromones that make women find you irresistible

If you don't wash your hands, you're actually preserving the pheromones that women find irresistible. So a little pee on your hands... actually turns women into soup. Just melts that labia clean off.

Brad Stevens is coaching for his job because higher expectations follow the number one pick

My hot seat is Brad Stevens. We advance another round. It means he has at least four more games. He's coaching for his job out there. And the number one pick. That's higher expectations... Setting himself up to fail.

Colin Kaepernick is being blackballed because his name is too difficult to spell

I actually think Colin Kaepernick's getting blackballed because his last name's annoying to spell. The whole A before E thing is very problematic. I mean, I always say cap because I don't want to spell it out and be wrong. So teams are probably like, you know what? We don't want all of our fans on Twitter to look like idiot fans by misspelling the quarterback's name.

Avril Lavigne died in 2003 and was replaced by a body double named Melissa

Basically, the idea of this thread was that Avril Lavigne in 2003... committed suicide. But because she was so famous at the time, her record company kept her alive by not saying that she died and then just using her body double as Avril Lavigne going forward... There's recordings, like vocal recordings that sound completely different.

Kobe Bryant is the greatest of all time

But I think to avoid this debate, the stance of this podcast is just going to be Kobe. We're just Kobe guys. Kobe is the greatest of all time. Just so we never have to debate this again.

Tiger Woods is actually getting hair transplant surgery or steroids, not back surgery

Tiger had a fourth back surgery. I have a stay woke on that... I think he's actually getting hair transplant surgery and he's calling it back surgery... Or steroids. He's getting a steroid implanted in his body.

The MLB should use a radar gun to decide tied games after 13 innings

Just have a radar gun and just each team gets 10 throws. Fastest throw wins. Fastest combined average score. ... all nine players on the field have to throw. So whoever in the game... you get to see fun shit like first baseman throw and stuff.

The Patriots brought in Adrian Peterson specifically to injure him so no one else could sign him

The Patriots specifically just brought Peterson in to try to injure him in a workout so that no other team could get him.

I am not a Hall of Famer by my own standards

In my Hall of Fame, no. I think I was pretty good. I think I was better than everybody in the history of the game in October. Was I a Hall of Famer? In my Hall of Fame, no.

The Capitals will sweep every round and won't lose a game in the 2017 postseason

I'm going to need to go to some Caps games. They're only going to be four per round because they're going to sweep. They're probably not going to lose a game this entire postseason.

Legalized gambling will be available across the country in five years.

Football in Vegas, I'm saying, calling your shot five years, say five years, legalized gambling all across the country, it's going to be great.

Indiana will fly a plane full of money to Boston to sit down with Brad Stevens

I've always said you just fill a plane full of money and you just fly it to Boston and, you know, Brad, here you go, man. Let's figure this out together... I think, yeah, I do. I think they're going to talk to him.

I could still average 10 points and 5 assists in the NBA right now

I still play with pros all the time. There's moments where you watch guys who just got paid $60, $70, $80 million for having marginal numbers where I'm not going to sit there and tell you, I feel like I can get nine or ten points a game in the league. I feel like I can get four or five assists in a game.

Hidden Figures is the best movie of the last four to five years

I haven't seen this movie, but I want to see this movie because it looks unbelievable... If they don't give this one the Oscar, I might boycott the Oscars. Yeah, well, it's head and shoulders above anything else that's been made in the last five or six years... I'm giving it a 101 out of 100.

Jameis Winston telling women to be silent and polite is hypocritical because he was told he had the right to remain silent

Well, it's a bit hypocritical that people are jumping down Winston's throat. When he was told that he had the right to remain silent, nobody said anything about it. But now he's telling women that, and I guess that's not fair.

Sammy Sosa put Chicago on the map when nobody knew where it was

Sammy Sosa did an interview today... Sammy also said when nobody knew who Chicago was, I put Chicago on the map. So the third largest city right after Michael Jordan was the greatest player of all time. Sammy Sosa made people know, hey, Chicago's here. It's in Illinois.

Russia would have won the Cold War if they had beaten the U.S. in the 1980 Olympic hockey game

I have two. One is a historical one with the Russians, which they had to do over in 1980. They would have won the Cold War if they won that hockey game.

The Chargers and Clippers are garbage and Los Angeles doesn't want them

San Diego, keep your teams, man. Keep your garbage. First you sent us the Clippers. Now we got the Chargers. You know what I mean? It sucks, man. Who want them?