Takes

The Washington Redskins are more likely to win a World Series than a Super Bowl in the next five years

I said earlier today that I think the Redskins are more likely to win a World Series than they are Super Bowl in the next five years. Yeah, I'd agree. I'd agree just just by like a random shit show of occurrences that somehow become a major league team.

We should use truth serum to find out if Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey are guilty

You just look at the [Steven Avery] case... just give them truth serum and will fucking find out in two seconds if they were murder... There is sodium pentothal. Sodium Pentothal, yeah. Yes methamphetamine. Okay a combination. Yeah combination and a cigarette... and you can find out where the bodies are. Did they really do it?

The 2019 Patriots defense is the best of all time

The Patriots defense is going to be regarded as the best defense of all time. Not even '86 Bears defense... They're already forgotten about.

Matt Nagy is just an arrogant, cocky version of Marc Trestman

Matt Nagy is just an arrogant cocky Marc Trestman. That's what he is. He's a guy who thinks that he's smarter than he is and has over thought pretty much every big situation... the guy this year, he stinks.

WWE intentionally fired me on my wedding day out of malice

It's impossible to think that it [firing] was anything but done maliciously and on purpose... they didn't ruin my day... I talk to Triple H two days before that and he was like, hey, let's talk. I was like, can I talk after my honeymoon? My wife worked there. She asked for the day off to get married. So the idea that they didn't know that that was the date and I was getting married is impossible.

Clayton Kershaw should embrace Satan to fix his playoff struggles

There's only one more thing for [Clayton Kershaw] to do to try to turn this around and that's go completely satanic. Flip the script. Embrace Satan. Become goth Clayton Kershaw. Cornrows... mascara... black lipstick. Just like flip the script on God entirely. See if Satan will give you a hand.

Zion Williamson won't be an explosive dunker anymore because he measured at 6'6"

Zion's on the hot seat because I don't think he's going to be able to be an explosive dunker anymore now that he measured in at 6'6".

LSU might put up 50 points against Alabama in Tuscaloosa this year

We got a quarterback [Joe Burrow] for the first time in a while. We might put up 50 points against Bama in Tuscaloosa. ... Hey, if we pass the 50-yard line, we're putting up 50.

Time was invented by women to make men feel bad about their performance in bed

Time was just invented by women to make you think that you don't last long enough at sex.

The Ravens are frauds

The Ravens are frauds. Ravens are hot Ravens are frauds not fraudulent footballs. I don't know what fraud means in the context of football team really but it feels great to call a team a fraud.

Elon Musk is actually a front for Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is actually Jeff Bezos. It's his front. So Elon Musk is like we're going to go to Mars... so everyone talks about him and then Jeff Bezos is in the background doing the real shit doing the drones doing all that.

Michael Vick is not the moral authority to criticize Cam Newton's fashion

Michael Vick saying how dare you sir to Cam Newton wearing ridiculous postgame outfits... so strong words from the moral authority of quarterback play. Stay stick to just playing football don't do anything outside of football like wearing ridiculous outfits or murdering dogs.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Falcons win the Super Bowl this year.

The Atlanta Falcons are done. The Atlanta Falcons are finished. If the Atlanta Falcons win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off the tip of my pinky from the nail up.

I tried to break my own hand with a hammer to get a medical redshirt at East Carolina

I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and I grab a hammer... I take a pull of Jack Daniels, put my hand down on the table and boom, boom, boom. One, two, three. Hit the hell out of my hand, dude... I couldn't break my own hand. But when I told the guys, I was like, what would you do for more football? Because I'd do damn near anything.

Justify should be branded with an asterisk like cattle

You know what they should do? They should fucking brand him with an asterisk. Like a cattle brand. He's going to have to wear that on his hindquarters for the rest of his days.

Alabama could beat the Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins are trash. The Dolphins are trash and Alabama can beat them. What's a better, what's a better debate? That is Yukon women's basketball bad for women's basketball. Right. Or which school is the real DBU?

I will return to the NFL around week 14

I'm actually going to come back this exact... yeah probably like week 14 or something. Al Preza said week 14, week 13... so you know I'm just going to agree with you. You're the Prez so week 14 or something. Week 14 works.

Philip Rivers would have won six Super Bowls if he played for the Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger

I actually think that if you put Phil rivers on the Pittsburgh Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger, they probably would have won like six Super Bowls. Philip Rivers was the best quarterback in that draft.

My upcoming diss track will put Drake out of business

Oh, yeah, the diss track is coming. I wrote it on Friday. So, yes, I'm continuing my battle against Drake. I murdered him. He's dead. He's already dead. I haven't even laid it down yet. I almost feel bad putting Drake out of business like this.

Andrew Luck's shoulder failed to heal because Indianapolis was the first city to get 5G service

There is a doctor out there. He specializes in holistic medicine... He thinks that Andrew Luck shoulder didn't heal correctly because Indianapolis was the first city in the country to get 5G service. And he thinks that all the data swimming through that City interferes with the Regeneration of stem cells. Oh, so he thinks that Andrew Luck's his shoulder is actually never going to repair because of that.

Kyle Sloter should start for the Vikings over Kirk Cousins

Kirk Cousins needs to be benched. Kyle Sloter needs to start the season for the Vikings... This guy's the best fucking player in the history of any league's preseason of all time... If he gets cut, there should be 31 hungry teams chomping at the bit to pick up Sloter.

Brooks Koepka will win eight majors next year

Well, he's going to get five, six, seven, eight next year. He's going to get eight majors next year. Yep. Yep. Yep.

The United States should just invade Greenland if Denmark won't sell it

There are other ways to take over a country besides buying it like fuck it. Let's just ride. Well, what's Denmark going to do to stop us from invading green? Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. Yeah. There's probably some treaty that would stop it. But that's a piece of paper. Denmark has bigger fish to fry.

MLB should have its pros pitch to kids during the Little League World Series game

I wish they played on an actual Little League dimension field... Kids pitching, Paxton Lynch just went deep... Major League Baseball players hit it. Yes. And just have it be.

Kyler Murray is an absolute bust

Kyler Murray looks pretty bad. [...] We're ready to declare after this first half maybe Kyler Murray's a bust. [...] Kyler Murray is an absolute bust.

Daniel Jones is currently the best quarterback in the NFL

Daniel Jones is the best quarterback in the NFL right now.

David Montgomery is the greatest running back in history

David Montgomery is the greatest running back I've ever seen in my life.

The 2019 Browns are guaranteed to win 11 games and the Super Bowl

So I'm thinking 11. Are we guaranteeing 11? ... Okay, so that's a guarantee... Double down, guaranteed. 11 wins. ... What if you guys just say fuck it and win the Super Bowl this year? ... Full send. Guaranteed full send.

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people? I wouldn't be surprised. Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand... That's exactly what somebody that didn't have to pee would say. It's called an old red herring. He doesn't piss ever. He's the witch, dude.

We have all been living in a computer simulation since 2012

My fire fest of the week is the fact that we've all been dead for seven years. Back in 2012, the Large Hadron Collider was invented... And currently we're living in a computer simulation. We're like, God is doing like a Madden Sim season... there are these little tiny glitches that the computer didn't get right. For example, Skechers Shoes. I always thought it was S-K-E-T-C-H-E-R-S. Turns out it's not. There's no T in there.

LeBron James doesn't love his kids because he lets them play basketball instead of football

I would actually say that the worst thing that LeBron James is doing, the proof that he doesn't actually love his kids, is that they're playing basketball and not football. Like LeBron James should have been a football player to begin with. He's always kind of taking the coward's way out.

Every pair of identical twins has kissed each other at some point

I have a theory that every twin, they kiss at some point. Because they're like, you look like me, I look like you. We're all kind of narcissistic. If I saw myself, I'd be like, give myself a little smooch.

Jake Gyllenhaal's acting in military movies is stolen valor

Fuck Jake Gyllenhaal. I've heard he's kind of a dick. Like, the whole method acting thing, it's like, dude, chill out. You weren't actually in the military. It's stolen valor, basically, what he does to just try to play badass characters all the time.

The sky is actually flat

The sky is flat. The earth's not flat, the sky is. The sky's flat.

Christian Yelich is not a true home run hitter because he's too skinny

Yellich sucks. He's not good enough to win a home run derby. I still, even a year later, even though he's, like, got 31 home runs or whatever. He doesn't have a home run swing. No, he does not. He's too skinny.

The 'ass-eating' bet with Christian Yelich is a lifetime commitment

I think it only should count for the one time. Like, you can't do the home run derby every year. I think it should be a home run derby. The next one you do, when you have to enter it and play in it, and that will be the bet.

I will retire if Jimmy Clausen is not a successful NFL quarterback

If Jimmy Clausen is not a successful quarterback in the NFL, I'm done. That's it. I'm out... I want eight years.

Every NBA player should be allowed to fight one fan per year with no legal consequences

I had the idea every player should get to fight one fan a year. You can call them out and no legal recourse. You don't get arrested. Nothing happens... Once you use it, you lose it.

Space Jam 2 is a front to pay players off the books and avoid the NBA salary cap

Space Jam 2 is just an excuse to pay players off the book and avoid the salary cap. Palenka, he doesn't have to know anything about the salary cap. All he has to know is LeBron James' cell phone number and be like, hey, is the money good? Right. Okay, awesome. He's got a spreadsheet. Can you shave $10 million off Lola Bunny's contract and funnel it to Anthony Davis?

The Lakers will never win another championship because of the 'Ball Curse'

There's a curse that's been put on. ... And that is the ball curse. The big baller brand curse. LeVar [Ball] said that they will never win another championship. After trading away his son. ... It will be the worst move the Lakers ever did in their life, and they will never win another championship. Guarantee it.

Bob Myers' tears at the Kevin Durant press conference were 'guilty man' tears

I'm going to say it was more because he [Bob Myers] fucked up somehow. Yeah, those are the tears. And if he cries, those are the tears of a guilty man who's like, I need to be super emotional because I know that my medical staff fucked up by allowing him to go out there and now everyone would be like, oh, poor Bob Myers, he really cares.

If you own $500,000 worth of any singular product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it

I actually have a theory that if you own $500,000 worth of any product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it. ... But any singular product. ... Like Dwight Howard's snakes.

Human civilization is highly likely to end by the year 2050

So good old science came out with a report today, and it said that it's highly likely that human civilization will end in 2050.

LeBron James is the greatest loser in NBA history

[LeBron James] will forever be known as being absolutely great at not succeeding... perhaps the best loser ever.

I am stronger than Steph Curry and could box him out

I actually do think I'm stronger than Steph Curry... I could box Steph Curry out... I got a much bigger ass. My ass is... Steph does not know how to handle an ass.

Eli Manning is probably a great French kisser because his mouth stays open all the time

He probably actually is a pretty good French kisser because his mouth just stays open at all times.

The Raptors can beat the Warriors by physically roughing up Steph Curry

Concussing Steph Curry is the best way to beat the Warriors, I think. Just choke him out. The Warriors should be smart and just roll Boogie out there. I don't care if he's hurt or injured or whatever. Let him go out there on crutches and just have him beat the fuck out of him.

The NFL should fire all current referees and replace them with Special Ops combat veterans

The nfl to fix its refereeing problem they should just fire all the refs and hire nothing but special ops... Special ops. And teach them how to officiate football games. Is that the reaction time for special ops guys are going to be better than these guys... You put them there together as a team... Plus, they got, you know, bullets are flying. These guys react better.

Daniel Jones is Archie Manning's illegitimate child because they look identical

We've been saying that it's a good possibility that Daniel Jones is Archie Manning's illegitimate child. And that picture that came out yesterday certainly I think lended a lot of credence. I think you could just put those side by side, most people in America would be like, yeah, that guy is somehow related.

I could beat Kevin Durant one-on-one right now because of his injury

Right now, I could probably beat him [Kevin Durant] one-on-one. I could absolutely beat Kevin Durant one-on-one right now.