Takes

I will cut my penis off if Rutgers is ever ranked #1 in football

I said when Greg Schiano was announced as the head coach of Rutgers, that if... Rutgers is ever ranked number one in football, I will cut my penis off. I feel good about that bet, actually.

UFC would be a better sport if there were more KOs and no gloves

There should be more KOs. No gloves. Too much defense. There's too much defense. I want more. They should be standing up and just throwing fist. Be a much better sport.

100 dedicated humans could easily defeat one gorilla in a fight

I think a hundred friends could be one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit. And that sparked a debate across the internet... I am firmly of the belief that a hundred people could easily be go a fight.

The sun was switched out 40 years ago for a new, worse sun

I found guys... that think that actually this is a different sun that was, that we switched the sun out like 40 years ago and it's the new sun and it's worse for you... I gotta do some more research on the new sun guys.

Beards are causing baseball injuries because the face is connected to the elbow

My who's back is baseball injuries 'cause Garrett Cole's out for the year... Bad Tommy John. They should never change the rules about shaving your face. Like this, this would not have happened if he was clean shaven. That's true. That's your, your face. Your face is connected to your shoulder, to your elbow.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Falcons win the Super Bowl

Falcons are not winning the Super Bowl. Guaranteed. Falcons are not winning the Super Bowl. That's, I I believe it end the season. Tip of the pinky. If the Falcons somehow win this game on Monday night, I have to also have the Rams.

People who cannot figure out the ESPN/DirecTV dispute should be tried in the Supreme Court

The people that can't figure out the ESPN DirecTV shit should be tried in the Supreme Court. What do you mean? And possibly executed. They should all be tried tomorrow.

LIV Golf should allow all steroids and make the tour totally rule-free

I was shocked to know that Liv had a steroid policy... You have no rules. You play golf with shorts. They should, if you're the Liv Tour, make everything legal. Have it be steroids, but golf. Tackling. Yes. And a football and pylons.

Secretariat's records are fraudulent and he likely used steroids

Secretariat had 663 children... Guess how many of his kids won a Triple Crown race? The answer is zero... every mile time has gradually gotten better over the years except horse racing... He also lost a bunch of races... they had an excuse ready after every single loss... he had horse herpes and they blamed his loss on that... The more you look into Secretariat, the more it stinks to high heaven.

The US will be under a massive cyber attack sooner rather than later

I suggest you take out all your money outta your bank and stop using credit cards for the next few months until I can give you the green light again. We will be under a cyber attack sooner rather than later. Just looking out, I'm in communication with the very important person for one of, if not the biggest software companies in the world.

The eclipse and the CERN particle collider will send us into the fourth dimension

They're turning CERN on the day of the eclipse. And I believe the research is they're trying to reach a fourth dimension... Once the the moon covers the sun when it comes back, like we'll be in the fourth dimension. Like everything will be different.

Flaco the Owl was likely murdered and didn't just die from a building collision

It says he didn't break any bones, but he sustained massive hemorrhaging inside his body. This seems like somebody else had a hand in it. We need to check the flight logs. Was Flaco on the list? This Owl probably had information that would've led to the arrest and subsequent conviction of Hillary Clinton.

I would understand if the 76ers decided to trade Joel Embiid

It's not that I want to trade Embiid, but if we were to get like a very great offer... The Sixers are nowhere near [winning a title] right now... If that did happen, I wouldn't be like devastated. It would make sense to me.

Donald Trump is the best golfer in the United States

Rick Re says that it wasn't actually 67. I don't be a hater, Rick. He says it was more like an 86... [Trump] is the best golfer in the United States.

Travis Kelce is a pussy for fighting Jack Cochrane in training camp

Jack Cochrane's the dude who pissed off Travis Kelce. So shout out that guy for exposing Travis Kelce for being a pussy. ... That was getting into it. 'cause he got hit once just like a little bit after the play and he got pissed off.

Football players who don't play and then transfer are 'snitches' for reporting hazing

No dudes who don't play in transfer are the biggest snitches ever. ... Cuz they're, they're the only ones who's like, there's something wrong with this program. It's not wrong with me. It's the program that's wrong.

The Russian Wagner Group rebellion was a PSYOP intended to dupe Ukraine

It was a PSYOP for the market. There was a PSYOP. Okay, Putin's Gucci. He just did that whole thing to make Ukraine think they could take back Bakhmut and then they're gonna do a pincer move on him... They were able to move troops under the guise that they're doing a coup. And now Ukraine thought they were going to Moscow, but now they're just North [of Bakhmut].

LIV Golf should execute the last place team every week to fix their ratings

I have a very simple way to solve this ratings issue. Execute the last place team every week... The ultimate relegation. Yeah. To the afterlife... Or they don't have cuts but they could chop your head off.

Sam Hurd was released from prison early to serve as viral marketing for the movie Cocaine Bear

Sam Hurd has been released from Federal penitentiary... after serving a 10 year sentence for distributing cocaine. Timing is very suspicious with the release of Cocaine Bear. A lot of people are saying that this judge might have taken some money to do some gorilla marketing for the movie.

Charlie Woods will have more natural ability and be better than Tiger Woods

I love Charlie Woods. I think Charlie's gonna be better than Tiger. I think that even Tiger would admit, Charlie's got more natural ability than Tiger ever had in his life.

Nadal winning mostly on clay makes him a Mickey Mouse champion

It's Mickey Mouse to have to only win on one surface. Well, I think he also won the Australian, right? ... 14 of his 22 are at Roland Garros.

The world ended in 2016 and we are currently in an afterlife simulation

There's a theory out there that the world ended in 2016. When that [Large Hadron Collider] opened up a massive black hole on earth and everything got sucked into it. And so everything you've experienced since then has been your particular version of heaven or hell, depending on if you were good or not prior to 2016.

I could beat DK Metcalf in a five-yard dash

I was actually talking to Billy earlier about this. You think I could be DK [Metcalf] to five yard dash? ... You guys don't know how sprinting works... I can just take a step. Yeah. That's your steps as well. You guys don't know how sprinting works.

Bigfoot is currently in the state of Ohio

My last who's back is big foot. There's been pictures of a big foot sighting... I've tracked it down to Ohio. There was some Bama people claiming that they found them in Bama... but I just want to correct it and let you know that Bigfoot is currently in Ohio.

I can break Vegas with a specific March Madness hedging spreadsheet

I'm thinking I'm going to take all the favorites from the first round and bet all of them to win the whole thing as a future. And then bet the money line on all of the underdogs so that the money lines pays all the future bets.

Gonzaga talent-wise might be the best NCAA basketball team in 30 years

Talent wise, they might be the best NCAA basketball team that I've seen in the last 30 years.

Arch Manning might be a bust because his high school competition is mid-tier

Is he a bust? Is Arch Manning a bust... To have the discussion. No, because he's lost in high school, which I think is important for a quarterback's progression point... [but] his league's a little, like it's kind of mid tier.

Urban Meyer's wife sent him to the bar to get his charisma back

I think Shelly Meyer might win wife of the year... led me to believe that she was like, 'Urban, go out and remember why you're Urban Meyer. Go out and hit on some chicks and get that swagger back. Get that charisma back. Get that fucking confidence back.' I think she actually sent him out to be like, go out, pick up a chick. Don't have sex with her, but pick her up and remind yourself why you're the alpha.

Sam Ehlinger would have beaten out Trevor Lawrence for the starting job if not for his injury

Unfortunately, Sam Ehlinger is out with a tweaked ACL... The Sam Ehlinger beating out Trevor Lawrence prediction has not come yet for now.

The Chicago Cubs prospect Jesus Camargo was likely a front for a drug cartel

Jesus Camargo was arrested after police found 21 pounds of meth in his team equipment bag... Is this something that's an organizational thing where he was assigned to do that? I wouldn't put it past Ricketts to make money any which way. It would not shock me. It'd actually be good for baseball if the Chicago Cubs were just straight up like the Juarez cartel.

Peak Julius Randle is better than peak Chris Bosh

I kind of agree with that [the viral tweet]. Big J. Oh, he said at his peak, was Chris Bosh ever as good as Julius Randle? ... Drunk with power, which I am. I kind of agree with that.

The Vince Lombardi Trophy should be renamed the Tom Brady Trophy

Vince Lombardi only won one. You're so greedy, Hank. It's true. He won one trophy. He won one Vince Lombardi trophy. Tom Brady's won seven. Like, come on. ... It's a crime that the championship trophy isn't named after Tom Brady.

I would fuck up Jake Paul in a fight 100%

I will fuck up Jake Paul 100%. He's small. He's 5'7 at the tallest. I looked at a picture of him next to Dave Portnoy, and they were the exact same height... I have a bigger reach than Jake Paul. I would totally be able to pick him out from the outside.

I will get a tattoo of Drew Brees' touchdown total if he wins the Super Bowl

I have to get a tattoo if Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl... No, I said that if Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl, I'll get a tattoo of whatever number of touchdowns he ends up with.

Erik Spoelstra is the only reason LeBron James won championships in Miami

Spoelstra's a very good coach. Honestly I'm a huge advocate of Spoelstra and he's the only reason that LeBron James ever won those championships in Miami in the first place.

I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl

There's a chance we see another Nathan Peterman. You want to get real fucking crazy with 2020? Get a Nathan Peterman tattoo. ... I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl.

Bronny James joining FaZe Clan is a money-laundering scheme for Coach K

So we're gonna snitch on Bronny. What percentage of FaZe Clan does Coach K own? It's dark money that's going into no one knows who finances it.

Jimmy Graham and Cole Kmet will be a dynamic duo for the Bears

Everyone knows [Jimmy Graham] is an elite blocker... they got Cole Kmet and Jimmy Graham. Dynamic duo. If we just get half of their production from last year, we're going to be great.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

The world will end on February 10, 2045

The world's going to end—January? No, it's going to be after the Super Bowl, February 10th. When? 2045. Okay, that's my prediction... on my 80th birthday. 2045, I'm gonna go out with a prostitute and a bad batch of heroin. Boom.

Britney Spears set a world record by running the 100m dash in 5.97 seconds

Britney Spears set a world record in the 100 meter dash. She ran a hundred meters in 5.97 seconds on a treadmill which is four seconds faster than Usain Bolt... no one's gonna break that record.

Coach K will leave Duke to coach LeBron James and Kyrie Irving in the NBA

I'm going to go pro, do the old Pete Carroll, bounce, and then go coach LeBron and Kyrie. I like that.

Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback

Aaron Rodgers, uncoachable. I mean, look at his track record with backup quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback. Yes, exactly.

Nick Saban stays on top because he has a factory where he personally shits out new players

I think Nick Saban personally shits players out. Because he chews them out in practice, and then he digests them for a while, and he takes a crap, and boom, I got a linebacker. ... I'd be like, yes, Nick Saban has a factory where he shits players out.

Washington D.C. sports will never lose another championship again

The Redskins won the offseason again. They do that every year. They're a dynasty at this point. You have to count them as a dynasty. And... The Washington Valor won the Arena Bowl after going 2-10 in the regular season. They won the championship. What a story. Yeah, so Washington, D.C. sports will never lose another championship again.

The Cleveland Browns are going to win the AFC North

I think they're going to win the division. And you know what? They're going to be fun as shit. I'm dead serious. They got Pac-Man [Adam Jones] coming in at cornerback maybe? They will definitely win more than – I'm going to say, yeah, like they're in that – yeah, they'll be scrappy. They'll be upgraded to scrappy.

Loneliness is healthier if you smoke 15 cigarettes a day to make friends

loneliness has the same effect on morality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day... so if you're lonely, just smoke a bunch of cigarettes and you'll actually be healthier [because you'll make friends outside].

Riley Curry is a fraud for not facing the media after a loss

My problem with Riley [Curry] is she's always the first one to show up after a big win, and she never steps to the podium and faces the music after a loss... Like a fucking coward. Like a fraud. Riley Curry's a fraud.

I will eat one bite of horse shit if the Capitals beat the Penguins

I think you should have to eat shit if they beat the Penguins. Agreed. Just one bite. I'm not saying... Just one bite. Everyone knows the rules. ... Caps beat the Penguins. We're going to Central Park, and PFT's going to eat some shit. Just one bite.

Kobe Bryant is the GOAT over LeBron and Jordan because he won an Oscar

Kobe Bryant, our supporter, just won an Oscar. MJ and LeBron trash. He's our GOAT. And this proves it. How many Oscars has LeBron and MJ won? That's right. Zero.