Takes

Tom Brady can chug beer faster than anyone

Dude, he, you could not have poured the beer out faster if you just poured it out. And he crushed it and slammed the cup down like Gronk scoring a touchdown. His intensity, it was unbelievable. And I remember thinking, like, this dude has every positive male quality known to man.

Ketosis causes the body to literally excrete fat through urine

When you're in ketosis, you're just pissing out fat. Fat, pissing out fat. Just fat's coming out of your pee hole.

Kentucky has effectively won the last ten national titles if you ignore specific outcomes

Actually, Kentucky, when you really think about it, Kentucky has won the last ten national titles, when you think about it that way.

I would not return to coaching even for a $100 million offer

Why would I do that? I would have stayed doing what I was doing. So I was ready to make $6 million almost at Oklahoma. Already built, already ready to roll. [Even for] $100 million. Obviously, it's not about money. So, no, I'm good. I'm good.

The Sounders and Timbers only play each other in MLS

I feel like the Sounders and Timbers only play each other. I'm convinced that MLS was like, hey, you guys in the Pacific Northwest, you tend to enjoy your scarves and your soccer. Just play each other all the time. We'll pretend like it's an MLS game, but it's not real.

Women carry up to two liters of extra blood during their periods

It's actually a fact. Women during their periods are carrying up to two liters more blood than the average human.

High school football is officially back in June because grad parties are over

High school football is back. Grad parties are over. Coaches are distributing helmets and shoulder pads. It's June. Mini camps in full effect.

MLB drug tests me more often because I'm a short guy hitting home runs

They like to come and test me all the time when I hit home runs because they don't really believe a short little guy can hit homers. So I'm kind of surprised they haven't came yet, but I'm sure they will soon.

LeBron James signs short contracts to force team management to stay aggressive

I don't think it's an accident he keeps signing these shorter contracts. He's not... LeBron James free agency not signing a five-year contract for a reason. I think he likes keeping his options open... The problem is [with long contracts] your team has no motivation to do anything for you. Plus all the money is locked up. They don't go bring anyone else in.

Draymond Green did not actually kick LeBron James in the groin in the 2016 Finals

No, that didn't happen... I'm saying that LeBron James had no idea that he even hit the fabric when that happened, and not until he went to the locker room and he saw the videotape, and then he became LeBron Blames... The dick kick didn't happen.

The Kardashian curse is responsible for Tristan Thompson's poor performance

By the way, speaking of rebounding, Tristan Thompson, four rebounds tonight. Did you also hear that Khloe Kardashian's going around saying she's pregnant with his baby? So the Kardashian curse remains undefeated.

I am not officially retired from the NFL yet

No, what I'm doing right now is I'm taking time and figuring out what I want to do. Because I want to be 100% sure of the decision that I make. And I'm in no rush to do that. I'm not retired. And I'm not retired right now, and I'm not saying I'm going to retire. It's just one of those things where everything is still up in the air.

The NBA is paying the refs

The NBA is paying the refs. The NBA actually always pays the refs. That's how they get paid. They're paying the refs.

I still play football in my dreams

I play in dreams... I don't ever have any coaching dreams, but I have football dreams still, and I play. I play... Sometimes I'll be D1, but more and more, for some reason, I'm in the D3 now. I've got another year of eligibility.

Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg are not speaking off-air

Fair Play, Mike and Mike, if you haven't heard, Mike and Mike are not speaking... They are in an icy, icy relationship. They are not speaking at all off air.

Men only wash their hands after peeing if someone else is in the room

I only wash it when there's someone else in the room that's going to wash it and they look down on you... I was in the bathroom with one of our boss bosses... and it was like, okay, is he going to go? Are you going to go? I wish I had just had the balls to be like, hey, we're guys. Let's just not wash.

Pee on your hands releases pheromones that make women find you irresistible

If you don't wash your hands, you're actually preserving the pheromones that women find irresistible. So a little pee on your hands... actually turns women into soup. Just melts that labia clean off.

Four days is the maximum amount of rest a team can have before becoming rusty

Four days rest is right before you get that rust. So the Cavs are going to be very rusty. I think they've been off for like nine days.

I know every NBA referee by name to build rapport and avoid technicals

I talk to all of them. Know them all by name... Go up to them before the game, say what's up.

Avril Lavigne died in 2003 and was replaced by a body double named Melissa

Basically, the idea of this thread was that Avril Lavigne in 2003... committed suicide. But because she was so famous at the time, her record company kept her alive by not saying that she died and then just using her body double as Avril Lavigne going forward... There's recordings, like vocal recordings that sound completely different.

The Raptors, Bengals, Capitals, and Mets have a 'stink' that makes them destined to lose

I actually do think there is something to be said for a franchise just having that stink where you're like, no matter what, no matter how good we are, we're probably going to lose. The Cubs had that. The Mets have it now. The Raptors... they're a joke until they win a title. The Bengals have the best team in the league, and you should be like, come on, it's the Bengals.

95% of sports teams end their season in heartbreak

Caring about sports is overrated... People forget that 95% of teams lose at the end of the season. Their season ends in heartbreak. I don't know if I did the math right. It's about 95%.

Alexander Ovechkin drinks Coca-Cola on the bench instead of Gatorade

So instead of drinking Gatorade on the sidelines, he just drinks Coca-Cola. ... So he's in the training room and they're like, hey, do you want painkillers? Do you want a shot? He's like, give me Coke. Give me Coca-Cola.

One hour of Facebook use per day leads to worse mental health

Harvard Business Review published a study, and they said that everyone who uses one hour or more of Facebook per day has markedly worse mental health in their life, which is why I don't use Facebook anymore.

James Harden has perfected the ability to get fouled whenever he wants

James has this unique ability to actually get fouled whenever he wants. It's unbelievable. He's asking for it. I don't know how he does it, but he has perfected it. ... If we're playing situational games in practice... I'll stick my arm out and he'll run through it and he can stop and start so quick... he does look for his little angles in practice to perfect it in a game.

Aaron Rodgers is excited about the Packers' offensive weapons for the next season

He's back in Green Bay getting ready for the season. ... He's excited. He likes the weapons we're getting. I'm a Packer through and through.

LeBron James has a fake Instagram account for creeping on people

LeBron said that Coachella looked fun, but LeBron isn't on any social media. ... ZeroDark3023. So no Twitter, no Instagram, but Coachella looked fun. ... LeBron James has a Finstagram out there that he uses to creep on people. He has a fake Instagram. ... Shocker. LeBron James, not on social media, but says that Coachella looked fun. Hmm.

Aaron Rodgers is plagiarizing Jack Handey SNL quotes on Twitter

I'm going to read you a tweet that Aaron put out yesterday. 'If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.' ... Guess what? It's actually plagiarism, bro. That's Jack Handey. That was from SNL Deep Thoughts. No attribution given whatsoever.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR. Anytime you want to get real football fans behind you, just tell them that John Madden says it's like this.

Eli Manning definitely committed fraud with the game-worn gear scandal

He did commit fraud. That's okay. What he should do is just come out and be like, hey, guys, I committed fraud. That's on me.

Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have broken up their media partnership

PFT said, I've got a trouble in paradise. And he broke the heartbreaking news that Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have broken up. I propose that we just let that stay and see how long until everyone else realized that they had broken up.

No species has ever created another species through procreation

I don't believe in evolution in the sense that a dog mating with a dog makes a dog. No species has ever created another species through procreation.

Position players are significantly better first-round draft bets than pitchers

The best bets in the first round are position players. They return, on average, about twice as much value as pitchers. If we were going to put our resources... we wanted to do it with position players.

The Washington Wizards abandoned the Bullets trademark so it's now open for public use

Am I allowed to sell Washington Bullets merchandise since they were snowflakes and they abandoned the trademark back in the year 2000?... I i i would say uh give it a shot there's another pun okay

Mel Kiper Jr. eats a slice of pumpkin pie for breakfast every single day.

Every time you see Mel Kiper, though, remember one thing. He eats a slice of pumpkin pie for breakfast every single day. Just put that in your brain.

North Carolina was the favorite to win the NCAA Tournament from the start of the year

I thought they were the favorite at the beginning, honestly. I thought for the whole year, since I saw them at Maui in November, that Carolina was the best team.

Jake Arrieta's 466-foot home run was only possible because of the dry Arizona air

I don't know if you guys know how air works, but it's hot. A little dry heat. The ball carries... The ball carries in Arizona. So yeah. This is just a stupid little witch hunt that's been going on for a long time now.

Upsets in the first round usually mean bad games in the second round

Upsets in the first round usually mean bad games in the second round. We didn't have a lot of upsets in the first round. We had some pretty good games in the second round.

Louisville has scored 69 points more than any other program in tournament history

Louisville has scored 69 points in NCAA tournament more than any other program in the country... I swear to God, that's a fact. And then it gets even better... the program that has won the most games in college basketball history that has never scored 69 in the tournament is BYU.

Some college coaches will 'cover the spread' to keep their alumni happy

I think the answer to your question is yes. I don't want to hedge on it. I think that there have been coaches certainly in the past who would cover for the alumni in a certain situation.

Andrew Bogut joined the Cavs out of pettiness to beat the Warriors

The question to Andrew Bogut is, is he petty enough that he wants to go play for the Cavs just for the shot to upset or to beat the Warriors in the finals as opposed to collecting the extra $3 million that he could have gotten if he had gone to the Rockets? And the answer apparently is yes.

Jimmy Butler is an incredible bargain because he signed his max contract before the salary cap spiked

I dropped Jimmy Butler contract truth, because Jimmy Butler is actually a great deal. He signed the max contract before the new salary cap, so he's going to be cheap for the next three years.

Sammy Sosa put Chicago on the map when nobody knew where it was

Sammy Sosa did an interview today... Sammy also said when nobody knew who Chicago was, I put Chicago on the map. So the third largest city right after Michael Jordan was the greatest player of all time. Sammy Sosa made people know, hey, Chicago's here. It's in Illinois.

Teams that have spring training arguments over who their closer is will lose 90 to 100 games

I have also written down the 'who's the closer' argument. Those are teams that don't have a closer and they're trying a bunch of people out. Those teams usually will lose somewhere between 90 and 100 games.

Chris Long is not retiring after his first Super Bowl win

I'm not retiring, but I don't know what I'm doing. ... If I retire, you probably won't even know. ... Breaking news. I'm not retiring.

Tom Brady has definitely heard the Pardon My Take podcast

Tom's definitely heard you guys. Statistically, I mean, statistically speaking, there's not that many people who haven't. So Hank, if you're listening, [Tom] knows exactly who you are.

The NFL's concussion rate dropped because Peyton Manning retired

It's funny how the NFL, they dropped their concussion numbers after Peyton Manning left the league. Peyton Manning, he who would always lead Austin Collie and Tony Gonzalez into traffic, and Wes Welker. He was single-handedly jacking up the league's concussion rate.

Tom Brady lied about his health all season despite being on the injury report

I just couldn't help but notice that Tom Brady appeared on the injury report a lot this year. And he just said, I never hurt. My arm never hurt. My body never hurt. But he was on the injury report every week.

Ernie Adams is the secret genius behind Bill Belichick's success

I think Ernie Adams made Bill Belichick. That's an interesting thing to talk about because people don't know what Ernie Adams does. ... Ernie's a football Rain Man. When you go to Vegas, you're going to take Rain Man here to count cards. Ernie Adams is Bill Belichick's card counter. ... The Malcolm Butler play. They went over us and over us. Ernie drew up that Pete Carroll offensive red zone pass play just in case it came to a play on the one-yard line. ... Ernie Adams made that happen.

Jim Harbaugh's story about being hit by a mail truck as a kid is probably fake

Jim Harbaugh was Hit by a mail truck driver When he was 7 years old And he found the mail truck driver Nearly 50 years later In Iowa... This is a fake story. This is a fake story by Jim Harbaugh because this is... you can't come up with a story that's more Jim Harbaugh than this.