Takes

Joe Flacco is a better option for the Browns than Deshaun Watson

If he's healthy as he is right now, [Flacco] is without a doubt, a better option for your team than Deshaun Watson.

Every movie theater should be BYOB (Bring Your Own Beverage)

On a real note though, like that is maybe the coolest thing that LeBron James has done is be a BYOB guy. Yeah. Every WYO, whole tequila bar everywhere, or should be BYOB agreed.

Deshaun Watson will have a better season than Aaron Rodgers in 2023

Deshaun Watson will have a better season than Aaron Rodgers. I agree... I'm predicting this year is gonna be like last year. Russell Wilson going to Denver. Yeah. Everybody was like, oh, he's reuniting with Nathaniel Hackett. It's gonna be great. Guess what, Aaron Rodgers. Okay. Big name switching teams.

Tim Tebow will be in the Major Leagues later this year

The Mets have such bad injuries that [Tim] Tebow is just going to be on the Mets. He's going to be in the major leagues later on this year.

Oregon State is the greatest team of all time

Oregon State, Loyola Chicago. Oregon State is just the greatest team of all time. And I'm going to say that about pretty much every team, just be warned that I don't have a lot in my repertoire right now, but they are the greatest team as of right now.

Jimmy Butler once went an entire summer without watching TV to focus on his game

Jimmy's probably the toughest competitor I've ever been around. And you know, it started right away. He worked his ass off and you know, the sacrifices that he made in the summers were just unbelievable. I mean, people don't know this, but he was going whole summers, no tv.

Joey Chestnut is the best eater of all time in the history of the world

Everybody eats. Joey Chestnut is the best person, the best eater of all time in the history of the world. He needs to be rich for that fact.

Masters TV coverage is a joke because fans can't watch it all live

Best golf tournament of the year. And we cannot watch all of it live in 2024. It's a joke. Put it all on TV or online. I don't care. But I wanna watch it Thursday morning.

There is a greater chance of America taking over Toronto than the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup

I think that there's a greater chance of America, like slowly encroaching into Canada and taking their land away and taking Toronto, than there is like the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup before that time.

Big Ben Roethlisberger will spend the entire offseason watching pornography

Sad Big Ben. He's going to watch so much porn this offseason.

College football is fundamentally better when Nebraska is a good program

They're the quintessential college football is better when Texas is a good program. You know, it's like Texas. It's Notre Dame and Nebraska is like the third one of those programs. College football is better when Nebraska is good. That's a fact.

TJ Watt is the Defensive Player of the Year

TJ Watt is defensive player of the year. And I know there's a lot of guys out there that could probably win it. He had three and a half sacks today... TJ Watt now has played 10 games this year. He has 16 sacks in 10 games. That's insane... TJ Watt definitely has moments where he just completely takes over a game... There's my vote.

Central Time is the best time zone for watching sports.

Central time is the best time to watch sports. No question. [Big Cat:] No question.

Ryan Switzer is a 'swaggy' player to watch out for

I like that little [Ryan] Switzer guy. He's swaggy out there. Beasley, he's been balling for a few years now, and he's created his niche.

JJ Watt is actually dead and has been replaced by a clone to cover up his social media absence.

I think J.J. Watt's dead... I think when he comes back, that's not J.J. Watt. That's going to be a clone that they've replaced him with. J.J. Watt... could not stay off social media for this long.

The Houston Texans are better off without J.J. Watt

I want their team to go so far in the playoffs that are the Houston Texans better without J.J. Watt takes start to heat up. Because if they win, I'll say if they win two playoff games. Yeah, if they win two playoff games, you're going to get those takes, and I'm here for those.

XFL quarterback Landry Jones will be an NFL or college football broadcaster within a year and a half.

I think that he [Landry Jones] wants to get a gig being an analyst or being in the booth next year. I think that's what he's angling for because he's being like super Pro... you will see Landry Jones in some sort of Booth or behind a desk within the next year and a half.

The Pac-12 is dying because people can't watch stars like Caleb Williams play on their network

The returning Heisman Caleb Williams, who would probably be the number one pick in the draft and no one in America could watch it 'cause it was Pac-12 network... that could not have been the better way to tip off the last Pac-12 season opener to be like, hey, this is why we're dying. Because we can't watch fucking Caleb Williams play football.

Oregon is a 'Team of Destiny' because of the Chris Boucher injury

Don't sleep on Oregon because remember, Oregon takes on Michigan's Team of Destiny and Oregon had the big injury to [Chris] Boucher right before this tournament started... when you lose someone, that's a big Team of Destiny situation.

The Oregon basketball court is the worst court design of all time

The Oregon court is the worst court of all time. I hate that court. It looks like it's warped. Every time I see that court, I get fucking so mad.

I'm actually into watching the LIV Golf tour

I mean, if a fan, like I'm watching it... it's entertaining. I can't, I'm not gonna sit here and say, it's not.

Eddie Lacy is purposely sucking while in shape to prove he was better when he was fat

What's to say Eddie Lacy meets all his goals, gets in shape, and then purposely sucks? So everyone's like, wait, he was better when he was fat.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are on fraud watch

To be consistent, we have to say that if they lose this game [against the Niners], we have to call the Jaguars frauds... they haven't done anything to really earn that. It's just that they haven't played anybody. No, they're on fraud watch.

A 'football guy' is someone who enjoys lighting up a cigar and watching the game at home

To me, I'm a football guy, and I enjoy watching it. I enjoy lighting up a cigar and watching it in my house or my condominium. That's what I enjoy doing.

Cody Kessler was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous, not to make the team better

I don't think [Kessler] was there to make Blake Bortles better. I think he was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous. And that's not a recipe for having a good football team.

The NFL rigged the first six games of the Browns' schedule for Deshaun Watson

Also NFL rigged: the first six games that they have are the easiest schedule in the league. We mentioned that on the schedule release, that the people were saying look at this, they're setting it up.

JJ Watt grunts and moans while chasing quarterbacks

No, [JJ Watt] is not a big talker at all. Like it's kind of – you kind of just – you hear him like grunting and moaning behind you as he's coming. He just makes noises, really.

Golf is better when fans have specific players to root against like Brooks Koepka

Biggest pet peeves about golf is that no matter who wins, we all say yay at the end of it... You rally around one guy, right? And that's what you also need to be able to rally against one guy... Frankie has been going against Brooks for a few years now.

The 49ers are on fraud watch if they lose to the Bengals

Next week it's gonna be the 49ers and the Bengals. Ooh, I'm gonna say this is a must win for the 49ers in that if they lose it, their frauds, they're, they're on fraud watch right now... we are going to call them frauds if they get beat by the Bengals.

The WatchESPN app allows the network to spy on you inside your house

Alex Jones thinks that Bill Walton was being 100% serious... It would also be great if Bill Walton accidentally exposed this, and ESPN was trying not to let this out, and he was just off on one of his weird trips, and he unwittingly uncovered the most giant conspiracy in the history of cable television.

A broadcaster will not get a Power 5 head coaching job like Oklahoma State

I just don't see places like Oklahoma State, like Power 5 Jobs, going to broadcasters like us. I would find that kind of hard to believe, but you never know.

Watching Beth Mowins call a low-scoring Big Ten game early on a Saturday morning was the perfect way to ease into a day of college football

The Big 10 has their new contract... That means, unfortunately, ESPN will not have the Big 10 and we will not have Beth Mowins putting us in a perfect spot on a Saturday morning, watching Purdue and Northwestern have a punt off. And I'm gonna miss that, because that game means a lot to me. It was a great way to ease you into Saturday because I don't like having a huge game right away.

Rashawn Slater is going to be very good for Justin Herbert

I do like the Chargers pick. I think the offensive tackle, Rashawn Slater out of Northwestern, is going to be very good, and they need that for Justin Herbert.

Watching Caleb Williams throw a football is like watching Steph Curry play basketball

Albert Breer just put out an entire piece about Caleb Williams... checked all the boxes. Called him a Steph Curry-like experience watching him throw the football. It means Steph Curry's awesome to watch play basketball, so it's like that in football.

Aaron Rodgers wants the Jets to break up with him, not the other way around

I think Aaron Rodgers doesn't want to come back to the Jets, but he wants them to be the ones that break up with him. He's been needling Woody Johnson... I think he wants them to end it. And then he'll see if anyone out there really wants him.

Drake deserves an at-large NCAA Tournament bid no matter what happens in their conference tournament

Texas does not to be deserved to be in. They're bad if like Drake gets kept out instead of Texas. If Drake doesn't win their conference, I'll be very upset. I'm gonna say it right now. Drake deserves to be in no matter what.

Florida is my primary sleeper team to watch in the NCAA Tournament

A team that intrigues me is Florida. They intrigue me because they got size, speed shooters, guys. Golden's a hell of a coach. He did a great job at San Francisco.

Deshaun Watson mentoring Shedeur Sanders is like an old person getting a pet

Lucky for Shedeur Sanders, he found a mentor in Cleveland that's taking him quote under his wing. It is Deshaun Watson. Deshaun Watson has stepped up to show the young guy the ropes... I think this is maybe a situation like who saved who, like an old person getting a pet?

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

I'm counting Novak Djokovic's Wimbledon loss as his 25th major because Jannik Sinner is a cheater

I'm counting this as Novak Djokovic's 25th major because he played [Sinner] better than Alcaraz played [Sinner]. And [Sinner] is a sinner and he's a cheater. So therefore Ipso Facto Djokovic is the goat 25th major Grand Slam championship.

The James Madison vs. Oregon playoff game is not a health and safety issue

Bud Elliot said that it was possibly a health and safety issue... he was like, I'm worried for the health and safety of JMU playing against Oregon... Stop saying it's a health and safety issue. Okay... fuck it, let's go win the game.

The Browns will be a very good team in two years once they clear Deshaun Watson's contract.

I actually think that the Browns might be in a good position for the next, like two, two years from now. ... Deshaun Watson, I think has an $80 million cap hit that's about to kick in. ... I actually think two years from now, the Browns could be a very good team.

Hitting a home run foul is a sign that the batter will likely strike out later in that plate appearance

If anybody ever hits a foul homer during that bat, they're fucked the rest of that bat. ... There's three options from that point on: it's another homer, which is like a small percentage, or a punch out or a walk, and the punch out is the highest percentage there. ... You're like, 'Damn it, that was my one chance. I'm fucked.'

Jalen Carter will not fall out of the top 10 in the draft

I'd be shocked, shocked if Jalen Carter fell out of the top 10. The Seahawks at five, Jalen Carter's a perfect fit... You go right down to the Eagles at 10.

Jake Marsh's character, Cake, is definitely a narc or a member of the city watch

[Cake] is a cop like you on the basketball court, check to see if he's a cop... he feels like a cop.

Donald Trump's border wall would beat the 2016 Golden State Warriors because it is salary cap friendly.

The thing I like about Trump's wall is that it's very salary cap friendly since somebody else [Mexico] is paying for it. So Trump's wall would have enough room left over to sign [Kevin] Durant this offseason. ... you could get a lot of good role players and surround like a lot of glue guys in addition to Durant with Trump's wall and still be under the cap. So I'm going to go with Trump.

Aaron Rodgers might be washed because Davante Adams chose to play with Matthew Stafford over waiting for him

That also might mean that Aaron Rogers could be washed. Because Davante Adams [to the] Rams. Wouldn't you think he would be like, oh, I'm gonna wait to see where Rogers goes. And he is like, no, I'd actually rather just go with Stafford.

Case Keenum is officially on 'Swag Watch' because Swag Kelly is nipping at his heels

My hot seat is Case Keenum because we are on Swag Watch 2018. Swag Kelly is now the second-string quarterback for the Denver Broncos, nipping at Case's heels, and he's looking pretty good doing it.

The East Coast is better than the West Coast for watching sports

I like East Coast better than West Coast actually... Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game. [On the West Coast] it doesn't feel like a big game if it's Sunday night football and it's still light outside. You should get a Purple Heart if you watch sports in the Eastern Time Zone.

I am betting the over on Super Bowl 54 no matter what the line is

The opening line for the Super Bowl is Chiefs minus 1 over unders 53, I'm gonna take the over no matter. What for everything. Yeah. I don't care.