Takes

The Super Wolf Blood Moon is a sign of the apocalypse, and all hell is going to break loose on January 22nd.

Obviously these apocalyptic signs in the heavens are pointing to a catastrophic event that is just on the horizon... on January 22nd, all hell's going to break loose. If you're listening to this, we're dead.

Prelated is the new word for wishing someone an early birthday

When you want to wish someone a happy early birthday, say happy prelated. Because his birthday is Saturday... People are with people whose birthdays are like the next day, next week, whatever, and you don't want to say happy early birthday.

It is never against the law to eat food that you found on the road

They're just trying to scare you. Don't listen to them. It's never against the law to eat food that you found on the road. Actually, as a taxpayer in Alabama, that's your food.

I will carry heavy objects between my desk and the studio all year to get 'boulders for shoulders'

The new office, it's probably about 100 feet from our desk to our studio. We should just carry something super heavy, so you have to carry it back and forth. You bring it in, then you've got to bring it back... we're going to start carrying random shit around.

I will learn how to do an ollie on a skateboard in 2019

I would love to do an ollie... I'd love to learn how to skateboard just a little bit. I watched Mid90s the other day. Awesome movie. But I'd love to learn how to skateboard just a little bit.

I'm going to lose 15 pounds in January

I'm going to lose 15 pounds in January. Are you really? That's the goal? Yeah. That's your baseline goal? I was just saying that. That was really... I tried to sneak attack you guys on that one.

I will get a haircut that is just a very long mullet with lightning bolts on the side

I'm going to get a haircut this year... Would it be acceptable if I got a haircut and just turned into a mullet? Like a really fucking long mullet? Lightning bolts to the side.

Australia doesn't exist

Australia doesn't exist. It's made up. If you're the king of England, would you rather just put all your prisoners on a boat, send them halfway across the world, and then pay for them to be fed? Or do you think that old king of England would have just sank that boat and just told everybody, hey, the prisoners are over in Australia now. They're fine.

Men evolved to nut fast to avoid being killed by woolly mammoths

From a Darwinian perspective, it's actually an advantage. Guys evolved to nut fast. Right. So we can spread our seed and be more efficient so that we don't get killed when we're like having a romantic tryst by a wandering woolly mammoth or T-Rex.

It is healthy for your dog to watch you having sex because it reinforces that you are the alpha of the household

I actually think it's healthy for your dog to see you humping because it reinforces that you're an alpha. And if they see you having sex, they're like, I need to respect this person more. That's just how the animal kingdom works.

If you had vaccinations, your genitalia wouldn't look like cauliflower

In terms you can understand [Reggie Bush], if Kim Kardashian had gotten the Gardasil vaccine, then your dick wouldn't look like a cauliflower.

Soap can't get dirty because it cleans itself

My friend uses a bar of soap to clean his ass crack and uses it the next day on his whole body... He says soap can't get dirty, so it's fine. [Hank says] He's right. You're wrong. It's like soap cleans itself all the time because it's layers.

Cystic Fibrosis will be eradicated in 5 to 10 years

I think CF will be eradicated from this earth in about five to 10 years.

The wind is a continuous circle caused by the Earth turning

Wind... It doesn't [stop], that's because it's a circle. It just goes forever. The earth keeps, well, the wind is caused by the earth turning.

I will get a Patrick Mahomes tattoo if Big Cat eats horse poop

I'm going to get a Patrick Mahomes tattoo. You want to bet? You have to eat horse poop if I get a Mahomes tattoo?

Australia does not exist

Australia doesn't exist. Australia is not a real place... Australia was invented by the British because it was like a penal colony... airline pilots are all in on it, too... when you fly people on vacation to Australia, you just take them down to Chile, and they never know the difference.

Millennials are killing drivers by not getting enough DUIs

Technically, by not getting DUIs, millennials are actually killing more drivers. Because the roads are worse now. Because your [DUI] tickets aren't going to fund the renovations.

Washington D.C. sports is a dynasty that will never lose another championship again

Washington, D.C. is back big time. Wayne Rooney... man of the match. The Capitals re-signed Tom Wilson... that's a dynasty. The Redskins won the offseason again... they're a dynasty at this point. The Washington Valor won the Arena Bowl... so Washington, D.C. sports will never lose another championship again.

If red hits 10 times in a row in roulette, it's more likely to hit red again

Red's hot. Red is hot. You're taking the human element out of the wheel. Red's dominating... I'd say more like 85% [chance].

The United States should build an Autobahn with no speed limits

I think we're missing out on an Autobahn, and there's a lot of places that you could put it and just do away with the speed limit.

The national drinking age should be lowered to 18

I'd make the drinking age 18... Because everyone's drinking when they're 18 anyway, so why not just make it legal?

Short people are being weeded out by natural selection

[Speaker 3] (1:21:17-1:21:25) No, if you look back in history, the human species has gotten taller as time has gone on, so the short people have been weeded out.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

IPAs give you man boobs because they are full of estrogen

It feels like the weirdest things have estrogen in them, right? Like IPAs now give you tits. [PFT: Yeah, well, that's been true for a while.]

I might eat poop just to 'alpha' PFT because his hesitation is getting sad

I've even said to you, I might just eat poop just to alpha you because it's getting so sad what you're doing. You are like, I can't do it. I can't do it. You came off the plane. You're like, what if I eat a mushroom with a little poop on it?

Filling up your gas tank more often for $20 saves you $60 compared to an $80 full tank

You're saving yourself 60 bucks because you're only paying 20. So I think Shaq's right. Yeah. Okay. All right.

The Egyptian pyramids were built just to keep the Jewish people busy

The Egyptian pyramids were just a way to keep Jewish people busy. So Pharaoh was just like, I need something to do to keep these guys busy and build these fucking rock piles.

Foot injuries are not serious and everyone will think you're a pussy if you complain

Nobody likes it when somebody milks an ankle or a foot injury, okay? It's not that serious. If you got bit by a dog, it'd be a different story. Foot injuries are not serious. If you complain about them, everyone's just going to take your big push.

Rocks are squishy until someone touches them

What if rocks are squishy until someone touches it? ... Whoa. It took you a second but now whoa that's crazy that's like they're all just a bunch of squishy starfish and then you touch it and it's hard. It gets real hard.

We should harness the power of tectonic plates using 'Groundmills' for energy

Groundmills. We harness the power of the Earth's tectonic plates... We just put a windmill that moves. It's a giant blade. And so whenever the fault lines shift, it pushes this huge blade that makes electricity for everybody.

San Antonio is the worst city in America for cell phone reception

San Antonio not only has the most chips in any city ever, it also has the worst cell phone reception in any city ever. And we have not been able to tweet or do anything basically on our cell phones the entire weekend.

A child's athleticism depends on how 'athletic' the sex was at conception

I think it has more to do with how athletic the sex was when you actually were conceived. So if you're in a weird position, if you got like a leg up on a table, you're both sweating a lot, then you're going to have a really, really fast baby.

Stress makes your neck wider

I read a quote that you [Buzz] said you think stress makes your neck wider. Is that true? [Buzz:] Yeah. I got the widest neck possible then.

I am officially winning all my bets this year

This is the year I'm going to win all my bets. So it happens every year right before March Madness. I tell myself, give myself a little pep talk, but I think this is going to be the year.

A signature on an item technically turns it into an open-ended contract worth infinity

I have the answer for you. It's because whatever you sign, that technically becomes a contract at that point. So if I hand you a piece of paper with my signature on it, you could, after the fact, go and fill in a contract above my signature. So it's actually worth infinity.

The iPhone X is a terrible phone for actual communication

I understand from people I know that are very close to me that, for instance, the iPhone, I think it's the iPhone 8 through 10, that as a telephone... They're very poor. Using this as a phone to communicate... especially like the iPhone X, it's terrible on the telephone.

Anything divided by zero is infinity

But wait, isn't anything divided by zero, zero? No, it's infinity.

Players should be able to fight one fan per year

I would like to see them implement my longstanding idea that players should be able to fight fans. One fight a year. You get to fight any fan that mouths off to you. You get to go in there and beat their fucking ass. And if you lose that fight, you have to give your salary to the fan.

The sun is a keyboard cowboy and a bitch

So the sun's like basically a little bitch, like a keyboard cowboy. Or the sun is just... We show up to its grill, and we're like, hey, say something to my face. And the sun's like, no, we're good here.

I am going to do five crunches a day as my New Year's resolution

I'm going to try to do five crunches a day... Someone added it up, and it was like 1,900 crunches. I was like, oh, shit. That's way more than I thought.

I will lose 15 pounds and weigh 225 by my birthday

I think I weigh about 240-ish... and I'm going to try to get to like 225 by my birthday. [February]. First, like, seven pounds come off by just me, like, not eating breakfast. So take a big dump, don't eat breakfast, boom.

Positive self-talk and intention can literally change the composition of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down... And then it shows what, under a microscope, what it looks like with the word intention associated with it. I'm all in. Positive self-talk. So you talk to water. I need to, yes.

Aliens will eventually hack the cloud and release everyone's deleted messages and photos

I've always thought that at some point in the future that every text message, Snapchat, picture message, picture they've ever taken and deleted, that's all going to end up on the internet for everyone... Aliens are about to start that. They're aliens, so they obviously know how to get to the cloud.

The city of Buffalo gets more snow on Sundays than any other US city

I'm not a meteorologist, but I'm sure that it's going to snow on Sunday up in Buffalo. That city, and I have no facts to back this up, but the city of Buffalo gets more snow on Sundays than any other city in America.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.

Farting is exclusively a male activity and women are not allowed to participate in 'fart culture'

That's not funny. It's not funny. It's kind of like some words some people can use, some words other people can't use... that's kind of what farts are like. That's not your word. We're allowed to fart. We're guys. We come from fart culture. You can't use it. It's ours. We own farts.

Viruses might actually be aliens from a meteorite

Viruses might be aliens. They might have crashed on a meteorite. No, you know why? Because viruses don't have all the facts of life. Like, life needs to reproduce. Viruses replicate. They replicate, but not like other cells. So, it would make sense that they evolved on a different planet.

It is safer to be shot without a shirt on to avoid getting clothing fibers in the wound

I think it [a bullet] would pass through you cleaner. Because if you're wearing a shirt, you get the shirt fibers inside your body.

Drinking alcohol makes you smarter by killing your weakest brain cells first

when you drink enough, it actually kills brain cells. That's a fact... If you kill brain cells, it's targeting the smaller, weaker brain cells first. Like a buffalo herd, and if you get rid of the weak ones, then it makes your brain function more efficiently.

We should stop learning because mini-collisions in the brain make you dumber

Why don't we go after math? Why don't we go after learning? Because when you think about it, all learning is is a bunch of electrons running into each other. A lot of mini collisions inside your head probably makes you dumber in the long term. Basically like playing the offensive line.