Takes

I will commit to soccer if the USA wins the World Cup

If we win the World Cup, I will, I will commit to soccer... If we win the World Cup, I'll get a cat with [Hank]. We'll both get cats. If we win the World Cup.

Winter is officially over and next week will be golf weather

I think it's the official end of winter. Winter's done. Next week it's gonna be 60. Get the golf shoes out, get the shorts out. We made it another year of winter in Chicago.

I might get evicted because my alarm clock went off for two days while I was on vacation

I accidentally kind of alarm clock too close to the sun recently... I had left my alarm clock plugged in... My alarm clock is going off like today and yesterday. We're gonna have to take like a meeting here... There's a world where like, I'm the worst neighbor of all time and I just left my irrationally loud alarm clock going.

I am quitting nicotine pouches cold turkey

I just quit pouches. Quit decided fuck nicotine pouches. I'm out on nicotine pouches. I'm out on all nicotine... about two full days, two and a half days off. It's not easy... My resolution is that I'm just gonna smoke cigarettes... The only time I'm allowed to have nicotine is if I'm smoking an actual cigarette... I'm out, I'm just gonna go cold turkey.

I will be running a Dungeons and Dragons cruise to Alaska in October 2026

I am gonna be doing a D&D cruise this year... called D3 at Sea... in October, we're gonna be going to Alaska and it's a week. So if you were already going to Alaska and wanted to do the trip, I know I have family members who have gotten really stoked to do that stuff.

PFT Commenter is done dunking forever - retiring from attempting to dunk

My fire fest. I don't think I'm gonna dunk again. I think I'm gonna have to learn how to play below the rim. So I'm calling it quits on attempting to dunk anymore in my future.

I am officially committed to 'No Naps' for the entirety of Super Bowl week

I will [raw dog it]... a hundred percent stay awake. No naps. No fucking naps. Usually they, it, it's been a while since we've been in like a Patriot Super Bowl week. So it's like, it is a different mindset.

My ceiling as a golfer might be higher as a lefty

I might be more... I can maybe my my ceiling is higher. Potentially left-handed more good at golf. My ceiling is higher. Damn. We'll see.

A 'hot blob' and an 'earth tilt' will make the Chicago winter catastrophic and uninhabitable

Apocalyptic winter might be upon us. Why? I think it's inhabitable winter. We might just have to go out of country... High pressure, massive ocean heat wave up in North Pacific. The blob... They're saying 2013-2014 had nothing on this blob.

I can pass the bar exam without going to law school if I study for four months

I have irrational confidence in myself to be able to pass the bar exam. It doesn't make any sense. I just think that if I, if I tried for like four months... I think I can, I can be a lawyer.

I will retire from 50/50 raffles forever if the Cubs lose when I win

If the Cubs lose tomorrow and I win the 50 50, I will 100% retire from 50 50 for the rest of my life. That's a fact. Because then it would just be like, you literally only won on losses, on big playoff losses. That is a fact.

I can still dunk a basketball

Can I still dunk? Yeah, I could still dunk. I could still dunk.

I'm eventually going to lose the tip of my pinky on a bet

I'm probably gonna lose a pinky. Eventually. I'm gonna lose a pinky. We're gonna do this show for the next 40 years. I'm gonna do this bet every year for some year. I'm gonna lose the pinky.

I will bear-hug and kiss my dad on the lips on the Hall of Fame stage

I will on the stage, man. I'll hold him down. It's five years after you play so he probably won't have enough strength. I will bear hug him and I would kiss him on the lips. A big wet kiss.

Planet Earth needs an alien invasion to unite humanity

I've said that about wars and aliens. I think Planet Earth could use a good alien invasion because we're sick of beating each other up. It would unite us. We're sick of hitting each other. We wanna take out [the aliens].

I can eat two gallons of soft-serve ice cream in eight minutes

I'm thinking close to, close to two gallons worth. It'd be, it'd be like, so I did an ice cream contest and after the contest I was like shivering because I was so, like, it was like everything was cold. So I, I think close to two gallons would be in, in about eight minutes.

Apple is going to force brain chips on everyone and we'll have no choice but to accept them

I don't want it, but it's coming. It's gonna happen and I'm gonna have to get it... So it's chip or be left behind. Correct. No choice. We just have to chip.

There is currently no clear next dominant chess player among the younger generation

I wanna see somebody among the kids, like really stand out and be a serious threat to be that new number one guy who can actually dominate... with the kids right now, I don't, I don't see it like there are a lot of them are really talented, but it, it is not obvious that some one of them is gonna, is gonna dominate.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

Wooly Mammoths will be cloned and brought back from extinction

My who's back of the week is Wooly Mammoths... There's a company called Colossal Biosciences and they just raised $200 million... to bring back and clone wooly mammoths... Willie Mammoths might be back soon.

I will read one entire book in 2025 for the first time in a decade

I'm also gonna read a book. I haven't read a book in a decade. I'm gonna read a book... read with my two eyes. It might take me the entire year. I'm gonna fucking do it.

My botched dunk attempts will be 'technical dunks' involving a super-inflated basketball.

The way I'm gonna dunk, even if I am able to do it, it's gonna piss people off because I'm basically going to have a super inflated ball. I'm gonna throw it so that it bounces off the ground. I basically need to perfect bouncing a ball so that it lands basically bounces and lands in the hoop. I'm going to guide it on the way down. Tap it.

The Tasmanian Tiger is likely not extinct and lives in Papua New Guinea

The one that sits on the top reign supreme is an animal called a Thylacine. Tasmanian tiger... it managed to get a pilot and get picked up and turned into a series... because it used to range like 4,000 years ago... there are still ongoing reports from tribes and villages of striped dogs and all these things in Papua New Guinea. That's the area that I think needs the biggest exposure.

My plan is still to coach football and then die

All you cared about was, I wanna play football for as long as I can play football, then coach football, then die. Has there been any change in that? [Harbaugh:] No. Still on track. Still on track. God willing and the, and the creek don't rises. You know, we're, we're on track. That's it.

Vanny Woodhead will be fully restored and on the road by Summer 2025

I will have a plan and I'm gonna 20, 25. That thing [Vanny Woodhead] will be on the road driving souped up... By next spring, summer... By June 9th, 2025.

My second son will have to play quarterback because he is too natural of a thrower

My second son for sure is going to have to play quarterback. I think he, he's just too natural a thrower. So I'm, oh man, that's great. Another line of Flacco would be awesome.

The world is heading toward the AI future depicted in the Terminator movies

As we went on with time, decade after decade, all of a sudden I realized, oh my God, we are actually going in that direction. And what Jim Cameron wrote about is going to happen, you know, that the machines are now so sophisticated, so far ahead of human way of thinking that they are so far ahead.

I don't want to start a family because aliens will likely kill us all within five years

I like thinking that aliens are real because then it really is like there's no reason to do anything. 'cause like within five years, like the aliens are gonna just come up and fuck us off. ... Like starting a family. It's like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna have kids like aliens are gonna come and kill 'em all. Yeah. Like, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna keep doing my thing.

Aliens likely live at the bottom of the ocean

I think the aliens are from Earth, bro. ... I think they're from the bottom of the Ocean. ... The earth is really large and we haven't really investigated most of the oceans.

If I start taking Ozempic, I am going to be completely open and transparent about it

If I start this Ozempic I'm going to tell everyone what... I feel like I'm the opposite of like all these Hollywood celebs who do it and don't say they do it and they're like, 'oh, I've just been working out.' If I start this Ozempic I'm going to tell everyone.

We will host the 10th annual Takie Awards as a live show in Las Vegas

10 Takie. We gotta... do a live show. 10th Takie Vegas. What if we did a live show in Vegas? Sold it out. Took that money, put it on red. That would be fun responsibly.

My career at PMT will eventually become a legendary redemption hero story

I will win one and it'll be a real redemption hero story for the ages. I'm sure people are gonna be writing novels about me.

I could finish an Olympic distance triathlon with no training

I could probably do that [Olympic distance triathlon] and just die... but I could do that. No problem. Easy.

Orcas will be a major problem for humans in the future

Orcas have been attacking boats off the coast of Spain recently and been training other orcas to do it too. There's gonna be an orca human problem for the future.

There is zero chance I will ever retire or slow down because retirement is basically saying you want to die

Zero, zero, zero chance of ever retiring. Zero chance of ever slowing down. I fucking love this. I have a blast... I really believe this and I've seen it happen time after time. I think retirement is basically, you're saying you wanna die. And I think, you know, for me, for someone like me, I retire, I might as well just say I want to like, I'm gonna be dead because my brain works with activity.

Max will lose 20 pounds by Memorial Day

Memorial Day. Memorial Day, losing 20 pounds by Memorial Day Max. We've, we've done this before, but we're doing it for real this time... I just want it to be on the record.

I probably have seven years left to live

My hands fucking shake. I've done too many drugs so I probably got seven years left. Either an OD's gonna take me or one of those fucking heart attacks that leaves me fucking spoonfed.

I will get 10 cats if the Chicago Bears win a Super Bowl

I'll get 10 cats if the Bears win a Super Bowl. Love it. There we go. Well under your guys' watch, you guys can bring us there.

I will die at 77 in a shocking accident like a shark attack or saving kids

If I can make it to 77, I think I'll make it to 77 clean. And I think I'm gonna go like from like a shark attack or something really... I want to get like attacked by an animal or like a plane crash would be nice... I want my death to be shocking... Saving some kids. That's what I want. Hero. That's how I wanna die.

My 83-year-old father can bench press 225 pounds

Poolside [Mark's dad] is still 83 years old. I betcha he could get a couple reps with 225. 83 years old, 225... The dude is like, he'll send a picture... he's on top of a ladder on the front end loader at 83 years old, fixing a light bulb.

If Big Cat and PFT lose their playoff picks bet, they will each eat six hot dogs for Jake's bowling total

If we beat you, Ray Allen tweet. If you beat us, we will both eat six hotdogs on your behalf when you're bowling. That's 60 pins we will take down for you.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will eventually lose the tip of my pinky to a bet

I've already... I've come to the grips with the fact that I will die without a tip of my pinky, cuz I just, it will happen.

Lion's Mane mushroom is a daily regimen everyone should use for brain health

Lions Mane is great for your brain for neuronal growth basically for all neurons in your body. Lions Mane is one that we're gonna have a lot of research done here soon that's gonna show that it's a something that everybody should have in their daily regimen.

I will eat a pound of corn if the Billy/Jake/Memes team wins the Fruit Mount Rushmore

If you lose, I wanna see you eat five pounds of corn... Alright, how about a pound of—I'm talking about by the way, loose corn? Not ears of corn. A pound of corn. Deal.

I will continue winning the Hot Dog Eating Contest until at least age 45

As long as I'm healthy, you can count me in at 40, 45 sounds would be awesome.

A 120-foot wave is the upper limit for what can be surfed.

I think 120 [feet] would do it... I'm really interested and excited and can't wait... I don't know what it does once it gets that big and breaks further out.

The first person to live to 200 years old has already been born

They think the first person to live to 200 has already been born. There have been studies that have been done. No, Big Cat, you didn't read the studies that I read.

Snapchat will eventually be used to blackmail future politicians

I think Snapchat is going to have a huge blackmail on future politicians... You have a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds and teenagers and stuff, and then in the future they might be important people and there's a whole cloud of data... I think there will be a scandal that happens in the next 20 years where a Comcast or a major internet service provider just gets hacked or they release a bunch of documents and it's just everybody's search history and internet history.

Robots won't turn on humanity for at least another hundred years

[Am I worried that the robots will turn on us?] No, not yet. Maybe in a hundred years I guess that'll be a possibility but not now. The two missing pieces are manual dexterity—they can't really use their fingers yet on robots—and batteries.

Suggesting humans are the only life in the universe is inexcusably egocentric

To suggest that we're the only life in the universe would be inexcusably egocentric... Recognizing the likelihood of there being life in the universe is not the same thing as agreeing with UFO enthusiasts.