Takes

People born around water function differently because water has no soul and doesn't discriminate

If you are born around water, you have a different way of life, you function differently. And I just feel like you function differently because water has no soul. It doesn't discriminate against anybody. You get in that water, it's gonna take you wherever it goes. So I feel like people that are around water, they're very strong-willed, they're one with water.

Brackish water is garbage water because it won't pick a lane between fresh and salt.

My last one is going to be brackish water. It's the mix of fresh water and salt water. It's like pick a lane. It's just shit water.

Mistaking a water bottle full of vodka for actual water is one of the worst experiences.

I will go with vodka that's in a water bottle that you [think is] water. That's the worst. You expect water and you get a throat full of vodka.

Water polo is the worst sport to participate in because you spend the whole time trying to drown each other

Water polo... why let's play keep away while we try to drown each other? No thanks. Treading water the whole time, you gotta be dealing with the worst cramps in the world. I can't imagine just having people just grab you try to hold you under water.

Cardboard Boxed Water is a terrible product that tastes disgusting.

Cardboard water is my last one. Oh, that shit sucks. Like Boxed Water... it sucks, it's disgusting.

Most people can get by drinking only 32 ounces of water a day

I think most people can get by drinking like 32 ounces of water a day and getting the rest from their food... I drink a half a gallon of water a day. Get the rest of it from your food and your other parts of your diet.

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

The Great Lakes region is the most valuable land on Earth because of its fresh water

The Great Lakes region is an amazing place for a pandemic. The fresh waters, it's like, it's probably the most valuable land on earth. No, but seriously, the fresh water source. If there was like a serious situation... we should bunk up.

The Patriots' lighthouse is not a 'real' lighthouse because it's not visible from a federal body of water

It's not a lighthouse if it's not visible from a federal body of water... It's a fucked up stupid lighthouse. They call it a non-traditional lighthouse. A.k.a. not a lighthouse.

Rain after a humid day is a top-tier form of water

I'm going to go with the rain to break a super, super humid day. That quick rain. Then the water comes down, and then it's nice. It doesn't stay wet for very long. When it's super, super hot out, and then it rains, and then it feels like 20 degrees cooler, and it's awesome.

I don't wash my apples because tap water builds immunity

I can't say that I do [wash apples], no. I subscribe to the thought that if you drink tap water, you're just building up immunity to germs.

Peeing in the sink is sterile and saves water, so girlfriends shouldn't complain

Ruining the plates, ruining them? Okay, that's a little drastic. It's called soap. It's called dishwasher. Pee is sterile. There's no problem with this. And you're overreacting. And guess what? He might dump you because you're not a cool chick. Cool chicks let their guys pee in the sink.

Banana boating over alligator-infested waters is not fun

[The St. John's River] is just infested with alligators. So we would literally be banana boating over alligators... [When we fell out] it was just like whoever was driving the boat was just like a frantic U-turn to come and pick us up. That doesn't sound like fun.

Drinking from a garden hose on a hot day makes you feel like more of a man

I'll go with a hose water on a hot summer day. That's a great water. Whatever you're doing, you get that hose water, you feel like a man, too, drinking. Like, hey, guess what? I'll go straight to the source. I don't need a cup. It looks badass, too.

Saltwater crocodiles are the most fearsome predators in the wild

Probably a saltwater crocodile. Don't mess with the salties... I put them as number one in terms of fearsome predator been around since the dinosaurs for a reason... you're in the water with a salty you're in trouble.

Chris Long's Waterboys should focus on building gyms, not wells

Don't you think human beings -- aren't you doing them a disservice? Shouldn't you be focusing your efforts to build them a gym or a foam room?

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

Every movie theater should be BYOB (Bring Your Own Beverage)

On a real note though, like that is maybe the coolest thing that LeBron James has done is be a BYOB guy. Yeah. Every WYO, whole tequila bar everywhere, or should be BYOB agreed.

Big Ben Roethlisberger will spend the entire offseason watching pornography

Sad Big Ben. He's going to watch so much porn this offseason.

Going to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl is actually a punishment

The Disney world thing that they have to do is just punishment. Sam Darnold and Kenneth Walker being in the teacups right after the game when it's like all you wanna do is party with your boys. That sucks.

Society was better when people who performed mentalist tricks were treated like witches

We used to be a proper society. We used to drown those people, like witches burn them. Yeah. Like it's getting a little to the point where it's like, should we throw, should we throw some rocks at him at the town square?

Hobbies are red flags for men; you should only play video games or watch sports

If a man has a hobby, that's just a red flag. Hobbies are red flags always and forever. You either play video games or you watch sports. That's how men do it.

Bird watching is a fraudulent community because sightings are impossible to verify

What's to stop people from saying, yeah, hey, I saw that bird? Like you can lie and say that you're the best birder of all time. ... We're the Rachel Dolezals of the bird community.

Carlos Correa should hand over his man card for proposing right after winning the World Series

Yeah, that's a problem for me because you don't want to propose at the best possible time of your life because everything's downhill from there. It's too much of a good thing... You're basically giving yourself Christmas and your birthday on the exact same day.

Dillinger was a better bull than Bodacious

I'd be a Dillinger guy. As far as what a guy would want to see out of a bucking bull as a rider, I think that Dillinger was a way better bull.

You must always order two bagels: one to eat immediately and one for an hour later

You order one bagel to eat right away, and then the other is like an hour later. You have to. You have to. That's how you get to 'deuce hogs.'

If you don't watch a graphic sports injury after a warning, you are the biggest pussy alive

When someone says don't watch because it's too graphic, if you then don't watch, you're the biggest pussy alive... That's just basically saying this is going to be so gross you're going to want to puke, but you have to watch it.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

I am going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on anything

I got like a little bit of bad news... I'm going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on any of them. So I have responsibly reached the end of my allocated fund for myself that I had through November.

The 'Notes App' social media post is a top-tier way to announce a career change

We're gonna go with posting a notes app on social media to announce a career change. Thanking everybody involved... a lot of people, public figures do this, right? They say goodbye via notes app. And it usually puts their name in the trending column. So I think it moves the needle.

I am not spending 12 hours of my Saturday watching mediocre college football

I'm not locking in my entire 12 hours of a day on Saturday, the only day we're not in the office, to to watch a random ass week one game when there's only like three good ones... Your happiness comes from watching 12 hours of football and watching State Pittsburgh. Your happiness is from golfing. You should do what makes you happy.

We form our self-image by watching ourselves perform under pressure

We form our self-image by watching ourselves do what we do. So if you see yourself fold under pressure, then you attribute to yourself, I fold under pressure. But if you see yourself take the shot and make it, you go, hey, I held up under pressure.

The primary reason people watch sports is to have a default topic of conversation to use with strangers or friends

The reason why we watch sports collectively is that it gives you something to talk about with a stranger if the conversation otherwise lags, or with a friend. If everyone was enlightened in a hundred different subjects, then the conversation would never lag because you could talk about leaves and insects... so you're not limited to that.

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

The proper way to dick punch is using the back of the hand for a whipping motion

Just a little coaching pointer for Dellavedova. Use the back of the hand. And then that way you get your elbow and your wrist in a whipping motion as opposed to just like the straight up the open face, the open handed slap.

Cats are soulless animals that would watch their owners die slowly without helping

Can an animal without a soul ever be alive? ... [A cat] will just sit there and watch you die slowly. That's basically the best case scenario for owning a cat.

The San Antonio River Walk is overrated and trashy

They are very proud of Alamo and a river that has trash in it. ... The river walk's overrated. ... Every building is gray and it's never sunny.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

Watching athletes who are younger than you is demoralizing

When you get past your thirties, something that really sucks is all the athletes you're watching are younger than you. And being like, like you start calling athletes, kid, and like, shit like that, where you're like, oh, okay. Like Luca Doncic is like 13 years younger than me. Like that shit just like, kind of fucks you up.

Central Time is the best time zone for watching sports.

Central time is the best time to watch sports. No question. [Big Cat:] No question.

One of the best things to look forward to when you're old is watching your enemies die.

Watching your enemies die. I got some enemies that I wouldn't hate seeing die. ... and like the older you get, the better chance you have to watch them die.

A 'football guy' is someone who enjoys lighting up a cigar and watching the game at home

To me, I'm a football guy, and I enjoy watching it. I enjoy lighting up a cigar and watching it in my house or my condominium. That's what I enjoy doing.

Watching sports all weekend on the couch is as physically and mentally taxing as completing an Ironman

I would put up a guy sitting on a couch and watching an entire slate of college football on Saturday and an entire slate of NFL football on Sunday... I would put that up there with the Iron Man. I really would. Obviously not physically as taxing, but mentally far more taxing.

Relationship hobbies must be established from the start because you can't add an addiction later

Before you start dating, you have to have all your hobbies set because you can't just add golf. You can add golf, but you can't add golf addict. There's a difference. There's a, you could be a golfer, but if this guy's playing seven days a week and YouTube tutorials and practicing swinging the living room, that's going to, you're gonna need to ease into that one.

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

Jake Marsh's character, Cake, is definitely a narc or a member of the city watch

[Cake] is a cop like you on the basketball court, check to see if he's a cop... he feels like a cop.

NFL players who post workout videos on social media are annoying; just do your job and show it on the field

I will say that all these guys posting videos of themselves working out now, that I disagree with. That, I mean, I draw the line somewhere. Like, duh, you're doing your job. You're working out. The whole world doesn't need to know about it. Rise and grind, yeah. Show me on the football field.

Apple Watches are the primary tool used for cheating in modern academia

Apple watches in my opinion, ruined academia because literally they're the number one thing used to cheat... It's just rampant uses. I've never had an apple watch, but I wanted to buy one just because like, it would have been so much easier.

The secret to life is being nice to everyone because you might need something from them later.

I think that's just the guide for life it's like just treat everybody nice because you never know what you're going to need from them later.