Takes

Hillary Clinton would likely be President today if she hadn't used personal emails.

If Hillary Clinton had your same mindset [not using email], she might be president right now. Well, I don't think there's any question about that. I mean, my best visual of that is, besides the emails and obviously— those things are treacherous.

Anthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples

If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].

Driving a golf cart across your own green is the definition of 'Fuck You' money

That's the definition of fuck you money is driving across your own golf courses green. Yeah, that – it doesn't get more ball. He's a baller.

Dennis Rodman is the greatest American diplomat in history

Dennis Rodman... has proven that he is the greatest American diplomat in history... He just went to North Korea. But he freed that hostage that was over there.

Mexico saved the Union in the Civil War by preventing a French-Confederate alliance at the Battle of Puebla.

If France had defeated Mexico in that battle [Puebla], France was going to take the side of the Confederacy in the U.S. Civil War. And so Mexico kind of saved the United States.

Don King was the most obvious pro-Trump celebrity of all time

Don King was the most obvious Trump celebrity of all time... he's a showman.

There is no such thing as an expatriate; if an American works overseas, they are still ours and must pay taxes.

I guess the technical term, [Christian Pulisic] works overseas, so he's an expatriate. But as we discussed earlier with Chris Long, there are no such things as expatriates. So we'll claim him. Someone make sure that he's paying taxes.

Colin Kaepernick's humanitarian aid in Somalia is actually supporting piracy

He flew like 60 tons of food to Somalia, which if you want to take it to its logical conclusion, which we always do, he is supporting piracy, right? Because some of those kids are going to grow up and become pirates.

Mark Cuban would be a disaster as President of the United States

I think [Mark Cuban] is just doing 46 because he wants to be the 46th president... He would be a disaster.

Donald Trump not filling out a March Madness bracket is the most treasonous thing a person could do

Trump has said that he's not filling out a bracket for March Madness. Not filling out a bracket is probably the most treasonous thing you could do. I agree. I think that this could be what flips some Republicans.

The left wing of politics is where the 'cucks' sit and the right wing is where the 'frogs' sit

What PFT really was trying to say was the left is where the cucks sit, and the right is where the frogs sit... Everyone's doing green face on the right. You got a bunch of snowflakes on the left. They're all triggered.

Barron Trump is officially off-limits for comedy

Cool throne, Barron Trump officially off limits. Can't make fun of Barron Trump. Kids are off limits. No Barron Trump jokes. He's going to be—And the nice thing is, now that no one can make jokes about him, He's going to be a well-adjusted, normal adult. I think it's great.

I am officially a Donald Trump guy if he legalizes sports gambling

I'm immediately a Trump guy if [Trump] does that [legalizes sports gambling].

Robert Kraft likes Donald Trump because Trump claimed he could get Kraft's Super Bowl ring back from Vladimir Putin

Do you think that Robert Kraft is a Trump fan because Trump said that he could get a Super Bowl ring back from Putin for him? He likes Trump so that Trump can get his jewelry back.

Chris Christie's 'double spin zone' regarding his failed Trump job search is a masterclass in handling embarrassment

Chris Christie, double spin zone. I'm on his side. That's how you – when you get embarrassed like Chris Christie gets embarrassed, you need to layer your spin zone.

Donald Trump is the Rosa Parks of white presidents

Trump, he'll make it better. White guys. Finally a white guy as a president. He's basically the Rosa Parks of white presidents. He's healing our nation.

America needs Russia to be the 'bad guy' again to maintain national focus and competition

Russia is back. And not only that, but America's hate for Russia, which is good. The Cold War is back. It is healthy. We need Russia to be in a spot where we wake up always nervous about Russia. You need somebody to point to as your competition.

White is the least racist color because it is actually a combination of every other color

White is actually the combination of every color out there. So it's actually really when you get down to it, it's the least racist color. We're not racist because we're every color. We love white.

The fact that creepy clowns disappeared immediately after the election proves Donald Trump paid them to create chaos during the campaign

What happened to the clowns?... Before the election. Now the clowns just are gone? Chaos is good for Trump. You don't think Trump bought some clowns and had them kind of have some panic around America? Because that's coincidental that the clowns are just not here anymore.

Hillary Clinton is the Dan Marino of politics because she lacks the clutch gene

I think we need to start talking to Hillary Clinton in the light of does she have the clutch gene because she's big time loser she's taken a couple big l's on a national stage recently yeah um does she lack it she's the Dan Marino of politics that's a great great analogy

Ronald Reagan was the 'real deal' as a President because he stood up for what was right

Ronald Reagan was the real deal, guys. I don't care what party you are, Republican, Democrat, Independent, Ronald Reagan was the real deal. And he stood up for what was right. None of the BS.

The U.S. government should sell sponsorships for wars to pay for them

The U.S. should sell sponsorships for wars. The Iraq War, sponsored by the Susan Komen Foundation. Why not? I think it's a great idea. It pays for itself.

Losing an election should result in an immediate prison sentence

That should actually be the rule in this country. If you lose the election, you should have to go to prison.

I support all protests except kneeling on 9/11

I have no problem with anybody protesting. I have no problem with what the guys on the Patriots did. And, you know, raising a fist on 9-11. I specifically was talking about kneeling on 9-11. I specifically was talking about that... And then Arian Foster said, he has a right to protest and you have a right to protest my protest.

Rodney Harrison is appropriating white culture by deciding who is 'black enough'

Rodney Harrison said earlier today that he didn't think that Colin Kaepernick was black enough to complain about being discriminated against. As a white guy, Rodney Harrison is frankly appropriating white culture by determining who is and isn't black enough to be discriminated against. That's something that white people have been doing for a very long time. And we do it well.

Jeb Bush doesn't know how to use a keyboard because he's a low energy guy

Jeb Bush has not tweeted at me. Um, that's probably cause he's just such a low energy guy. He can't figure out how to use a keyboard.

It is impossible to satirize Donald Trump because he is already too over the top

I really think that Trump is not – you don't have the ability to satire Trump. Like he says shit that's way over the top of what I would even think of and it's real.

Automatic weapons stop branches of government from becoming too powerful

What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful? ... We also would have accepted automatic weapons. Automatic weapons do that, too.

Bill Belichick would be the best NFL coach to serve as a Vice President

Bill Belichick would be a damn good one, too. Because he actually – Bill Belichick would actually instill confidence in a candidate like Donald Trump, right? You'd be like, well, Donald Trump doesn't know what he's doing, but Bill Belichick does. I mean he knows what he's doing basically anything.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect Vice Presidential candidate because he is consistently mediocre

I think I'm going to have to go with your boy, Jeff Fisher, just because, like, he proves that he is a guy that will stick around. In fact, at the very, very least, if you take Fisher, you're getting an average candidate, right? He's consistent. He's not going to commit any huge gaffes, but he's also not going to win over any votes. So he's basically going to keep your approval numbers exactly what they are. Jeff Fisher's only hole is the glaring hole that he's entirely mediocre.

Trump would be a great shot in a duel because he is good at everything

Don't say that about Trump. Trump is good at everything. And he has experience. He went to military school. ... Trump would be a good shot because he's good at everything.

The US government should use March Madness commercials for subliminal brainwashing

If the U.S. government ever wants to do like a Big Brother plot, they should just put subliminal messages in all the commercials in March Madness. They could brainwash all of America in like one full weekend.

Mike Ditka hates Obamacare more than he hates the Green Bay Packers.

If there's one thing that Ditka hates more than the Packers, it's Obamacare. He absolutely hates Obamacare for some reason. So I'm going to miss his hot takes.

The Pope should leave science to people who don't feel global warming

Lord, please tell the Pope that he needs to leave the science to all of us who don't feel the effects of global warming.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

Build a wall around Washington D.C. instead of the border

A wall is not going to keep people from invading our country at all. What we need to do is we need to actually build a wall around Washington, D.C. to keep everybody in. We tell them, hey, we're building this to protect you from invaders and immigration. But in reality, we've got them right where we want them and where we can keep an eye on them. And then all of us on the outside get to do whatever the hell we want.

Mike Ditka would have beaten Obama in a debate by pulling out a Super Bowl ring

To be a fly on the wall at those debates would have been all time. There's no way that Ditka loses. No chance at all. Obama starts talking about mumbo jumbo about how vouchers destroy inner city schools. And Ditka just pulls out a Super Bowl ring and sticks it in his face and lights a cigar. And maybe Mike Ditka would be president of the United States now.

Ditka's would-be supporters went on to root for Donald Trump

Instead, I guess he's got all of his supporters that would go on to root for Donald Trump after they had a stroke or something.