Takes

Imagine Dragons' new song will be the perfect pump-up music for college football this fall.

Imagine Dragons dropped a new song, which is going to be the perfect pump up music for college football this fall. ... It's really good. ... It's very, very, it's like perfect. You can actually imagine, you know, like South Carolina playing Clemson on a Saturday night.

The PGA Tour is ridiculous for investigating Bryson DeChambeau for using a compass

[Speaker 1] (16:38-16:41) My hot seat is Bryson DeChambeau. [Speaker 1] (16:41-16:47) The PGA Tour is investigating him and trying to figure out whether it was legal of him to use a compass or not. [Speaker 1] (16:48-16:49) What century are we in? [Speaker 3] (17:16-17:21) I love this that it's a compass is now an illegal tool in golf.

LeBron James will not sign with the Houston Rockets because he hates the city

Houston is my hot seat because the word on the street from, directly from LeBron James' lips. During the season when they were in Houston, he hates Houston as a city... The strip malls? The congestion? When you pull up Google Maps and it's just a ring of red... I believe that he hates Houston. I'm taking them off. We're officially taking them off the Pardon My Take big board for LeBron.

LeBron James is signing with the Lakers now that Bronny has enrolled in an LA school

Gary Payton, recurring guest Gary Payton, is saying that LeBron, Bronnie Jr. has enrolled at a school, private school in L.A... My two favorite things about free agency... is school updates where the kids are going to go to school and then realtor updates. Who's looking for houses where?

The Ravens are using a two-QB package as a passive-aggressive way to bench Joe Flacco

The Ravens just blew our minds. They're working on a package that has two quarterbacks on the field at the same time... This is the passive-aggressive Ravens way of just like, kind of easing [Joe Flacco] out. Just like having the formation change slowly until Lamar Jackson is standing directly in front of him on every snap.

The Yankees' protest against ESPN's scheduling is a power move using Aaron Boone's inside knowledge

It's also a power move because you know Aaron Boone knows the inside deal with ESPN, so he knows the leverage he has.

LeBron James is breaking his social media blackout by using his wife's Instagram

LeBron James, who said he's not going on social media one time the entire playoffs... decided that after the Eastern Conference Finals that he was going to do an Instagram takeover on his wife's Instagram account, which to me seems like he was on social media and not focusing on the biggest series of his life.

Wisconsin cities are the Mount Rushmore of drunks

USA Today ranked the top 10 drunkest cities in America... seven [were from Wisconsin]. Green Bay is number one, Eau Claire, Appleton, Madison. They have all four of the top four. They are the Mount Rushmore of drunks.

Any EPL team that allows an 'American stink' on them deserves to be relegated

If you get an American stink on your EPL team, you deserve to be relegated. [referencing Bob Bradley at Swansea City]

Tom Brady doesn't feel valued enough by the Patriots

I actually do think, though, that Tom Brady thinks that he's not valued enough at work. ... Like anything that he does on the football field is because he's just such a weirdo... and the Belichick system values exactly what you're valued and Tom Brady probably thinks he should be valued more.

Big Ben will play for 3-5 more years because the Steelers drafted Mason Rudolph

Big Ben says he wants to play three to five more years. He's just saying that because they drafted Mason Rudolph. 100%. But it's so fantastic that Big Ben, the guy who was contemplating retirement last year, is now like, yeah, you know what? Pencil me in for five more years.

Drew Brees will have to play for several more years because he lost $8 million to a fraud jeweler

My cool throne is the New Orleans Saints. ... They're on my cool throne because Drew Brees is going to have to play for another couple years. Because it turns out he lost $8 million to a fraud jeweler.

The Sixers are easy to guard in the playoffs because Ben Simmons can't shoot

Ben Simmons can't shoot, so if you just take them out of his hands, it's a lot easier to guard a team with four players instead of five.

The Washington Nationals will win the World Series based on the Sports Illustrated cover logic

Actually, what this means is that in what, seven years the Nationals beat World Series champions? Because they predicted the Astros, the rise of the Astros. True. So whenever the first time that they picked the Nats was like eight or nine years from then, that's when they're finally going to win.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

Tiger Woods return has a trickle-down effect on the US economy

My cool throne is the United States economy because Tiger Woods is back... Tiger Woods actually does have a trickle-down effect on the United States economy.

The first people to go to Mars in Elon Musk's spaceships are probably going to die

Elon Musk is finally being honest with people and saying that the first people who go to Mars in one of his spaceships are probably going to die. So just getting it out there. Finally, Elon Musk is stopping with these Twitter videos saying that we're going to travel around the world in 45 seconds.

Pizza Hut deserves more recognition now that they are the official NFL sponsor

My cool throne is Pizza Hut. We didn't really talk about this on the show last week, but Pizza Hut is now the official sponsor of the NFL. And that's huge because Pizza Hut's delicious, and I'm just happy that they're getting the recognition they deserve.

Taco Bell's CEO is the perfect hire for Chipotle

Chipotle just hired Taco Bell's CEO. And we all know that Taco Bell never causes any sort of intestinal discomfort. ... It's really the only hire that you can make if you're Chipotle. Like, who else in America knows how to package tortillas, rice, tomatoes, cheese, meat, and sour cream?

Scott Boras is on the hot seat because the MLB collusion against him is working

My other hot seat is Scott Boras. So Scott Boras, the number one MLB agent. He has had a tough offseason. He promised a lot of money to a lot of people, and he hasn't really come through... basically the entire collusion against Scott Boras has worked. And he's especially on the hot seat too because he's trying to convince everyone how he's doing well.

The 'white powder' Esteban Loaiza was caught with is definitely cocaine

Esteban Loaiza got busted with a shitload of cocaine and marijuana, allegedly... I was reading it because they were like, we got this huge bag of white powder. We haven't tested it yet, but we're going to test to see if it's cocaine. I think it's cocaine, guys. Unless he's a baker and we didn't know.

Banning ping pong tables in the locker room leads to playoff success

Sabermetrically, two coaches eliminated ping pong tables from their locker rooms this year. Both of them made the playoffs... Not only did [Doug] Marone get rid of that, but he also got rid of the dominoes table, which is like a multiplier for the ping pong table.

Humans, not rats, were the true cause of the Bubonic Plague

My Cool Throne is rats... turns out they didn't cause the bubonic plague. Really? We've been blaming rats for the last, like, 600 years. Turns out we're way off. No, it's humans. We were projecting on rats.

Jim Harbaugh is not on the hot seat despite criticism from Amani Toomer.

I am not putting [Harbaugh] on the hot seat, but Amani Toomer put him on the hot seat... Amani, you kind of lose everything here by thinking Paris Hilton's a supermodel. [Harbaugh] is not on the hot seat. You're on the hot seat, Amani Toomer, for your lackluster analysis.

I am going to kill Dylan 'Tex' Stone at Rough N' Rowdy

My hot seat is Dylan [Tex] Stone. He's the person I'm fighting on Friday, December 15th at the Rough and Rowdy. It might be just because I'm all hyped up on pre-workout right now, but I'm going to fucking kill him.

Evgeni Malkin is a traitor for joining a pro-Putin social campaign

Evgeni Malkin... listen to the balls on this motherfucker. He is joining a pro-Putin social campaign in America... Malkin, as far as I know, is the one who started it. This son of a bitch is basically a traitor. And he's propping up a dictator who goes after journalists.

Apple intentionally ruins old iPhones via software updates to force users to upgrade

Apple, every single time they release a new iPhone, they do something with the software and they make all of our old iPhones suck. It's fucked up. They just screw up the IOS and they make it drain your battery allegedly... theoretically I'm very woke to this.

At least one NFL coach will be fired before the end of the 2017 season

So Ben McAdoo, we're going to get one coach at least in the NFL is going to get fired before the end of the season. It usually happens.

The 49ers are 'cover machines' and I will keep betting on them

My cool throne is, number one, the 49ers for the gambling luck. They've lost the last, what, five games by three points or less? They're cover machines. I'm going to keep riding those Niners.

Mark Ingram has officially won the lead role in the Saints backfield over Adrian Peterson

Mark Ingram... he won the battle of who's going to be the bigger head on the two-headed running back committee in New Orleans... Adrian Peterson is out in Arizona.

Bruce Arians is on the hot seat because he is losing his mind and making terrible challenges

Bruce Arians is officially actually on the hot seat because I don't think he has all his marbles... That challenge though, everyone was saying how bad it was, but it we correctly identified it as the football guy who gets so frustrated he just challenges a random play he knows he's gonna lose.

You cannot be a bad football coach and have slicked-back hair like Ben McAdoo

My other hot seat was Ben McAdoo's hair. You can't be bad and have hair like that... That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper was just such a bad... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

Ben McAdoo is officially not a football guy

I am officially, here's me, a rare thing done on Pardon My Take... I'm here to apologize. Ben McAdoo is not a football guy. Firmly not. The punch the kangaroo in the face stunt, that's when I knew he was not a football guy. That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

The Washington Nationals have a 100% chance of making the NLDS

The Nationals are officially Gucci... The Sabermetrics came out, and they have a 100% chance of making the [NLDS]. I don't know how they can calculate that just yet, but I'm not very smart.

Guam is on the Cool Throne because North Korea backed down from their missile threats

Cool throne is Guam. The island of Guam. People forget that exists. Yeah, North Korea, they turned their missiles away. They cucked out big time. They said, guess what? We're going to point our missiles at our own belly buttons or something stupid.

The 'TNT Bulls' home winning streak technically survives because the NBA was too cowardly to schedule them on TNT

The NBA has run away, cowards. They have not scheduled the Bulls, the Chicago Bulls, on TNT Thursday night this year... Alternative facts, the Bulls really fucking suck, and they probably didn't want to put them on national television. But nonetheless, the record, the 20 straight home wins on TNT, you can't lose if you don't play.

Phil Mickelson is on the Cool Throne because of his jacked legs

My cool throne is Phil Mickelson's legs. He decided to wear shorts at the PGA Championship practice round, and his legs were looking jacked.

The Mooch is on the Cool Throne after getting a hero's welcome on Long Island

The Mooch got a hero's welcome at an Italian restaurant on Long Island. The Mooch went to a Long Island Italian restaurant and it reportedly erupted into cheers for him. Everyone stopped what they were doing and cheered for him.

Derrick Rose signing with the Cavs is sad and marks the end of his relevancy

Derrick Rose just signed with the Cavs... He's going to be LeBron's little sidekick. Is he going to be Robin? It's very sad how his career has turned out. $2.1 million to play with a guy that he absolutely despised when he was in Chicago.

Golf is in good hands with Jordan Spieth as the new face of the sport

Golf is officially on the cool throne because Jordan Spieth, he is now the new face of golf. I don't know if you guys have seen, but golf is in good hands now. We're out of the woods with the post-Tiger Woods era. Jordan Spieth's the guy.

Birds in the Western US are facing mass extinction due to declining water habitats

My hot seat is birds... A report came out from the Audubon Society... water and birds in the arid west... it's a problem. Habitats are in decline because water's going away. And so birds are going to face like a mass extinction out in the Western part of America.

No specific controversy will ever be enough to bring down the Trump family

People who think this is the controversy to bring down the Trumps, because my favorite part about whatever the Trumps are getting into the entire family is the reaction saying this is it. This is the one. And guess what? This probably isn't the one, so you only have about 24 hours to say it's the one until everyone's like, eh, nothing's probably going to happen.

Adrian Wojnowski is on the hot seat for being 'cucked' by his own reporting and transition to TV

Woj, Adrian Wojnowski on the hot seat big time. He was getting cucked left and right on his reporting... He actually screwed up because he walked back the Gordon Hayward trade, right? And so he's like, actually, it's not done. And then he got double cucked over the top when Gordon broke his own news.

DJ Khaled is on the hot seat because he got booed off stage at a music festival

My hot seat is DJ Khaled... he went to a music festival tried to perform actual music and just got booed off the stage because I mean he's all his songs are just other people singing and him in the background.

Joe Biden will eventually run for President

The big one is Joe Biden... He said, I have no intention of running for president, but I'm a great respecter of fate. So that is, I love that line. I too am a great respecter of fate... Joe Biden is only running for president if God tells him he should. And then once God tells him he should, well, what are you going to do?

Ohio State's unrealistic coaching wish list is a strategic 'anchoring' move

This is a great move by OSU, though, because if you just throw out the wish list that's just insane, everyone's like, okay, well, that's crazy. And then you get one of those second-tier guys that you probably were a third-tier. Yes, it's called anchoring. Anybody who's negotiated knows this. You ask for way, way more than you should get, then you'll get a little bit more than you deserve.

Instagram Stories will kill Snapchat by the end of the summer

My hot seat is Snapchat. Instagram stories, specifically because of Boomerang, are taking over the streets. I think by the end of the summer, Snapchat's going to be, like, default.

Paul George's rivalry with LeBron James is completely manufactured

All rivalries pale in comparison to the Paul George-LeBron James rivalry. ... Paul George said that his rivalry with LeBron James is for the culture. ... a crazy rivalry that I don't think anyone including LeBron James knew existed. ... it's kind of like what we're doing with that snowflake cuck Mark Cuban just creating a rivalry out of nowhere.

The Cleveland Indians should retire Chief Wahoo and just sell throwbacks for profit

I also don't know why they don't. They just get rid of it. Do the C. Do the block C. And then just sell it as throwbacks. You can still make money off it. Just like, you know what, guys, you're right. It's 2016. We need to do a better job with this logo. And then in a year, be like throwback night.

AJ McCarron's sushi restaurant will be a huge hit in Tuscaloosa

AJ McCarron's getting into the game... He's opening a sushi restaurant in Tuscaloosa, Alabama... It's called Agent Sushi... I'm sure it will be a big hit in Tuscaloosa. It seems like a big sushi crowd.