Takes

Snow can be used to put out fires because it is technically water

I mean, I feel like scientifically it's got to [put out a fire], right? Because it's technically water. I read the first paragraph. And it said form of water, so I figured it took some pretty deep thinking.

Drinking a gallon of water in five minutes will stretch your stomach for an eating challenge

Joey [Chestnut] taught me I would drink a gallon of water in five minutes, either the morning of the challenge or the night before because then through breathing, pissing respiration, perspiration, the, the water is gone but your stomach is stretched out.

Birds in the Western US are facing mass extinction due to declining water habitats

My hot seat is birds... A report came out from the Audubon Society... water and birds in the arid west... it's a problem. Habitats are in decline because water's going away. And so birds are going to face like a mass extinction out in the Western part of America.

Jacoby Brissett is a 'tread water' quarterback, not an eight-win guy

I wouldn't say he's an eight win quarterback. I think he's a get you a couple wins in, like your starter goes down. Jacoby Brissett comes in, he can tread water. He's a tread water guy. He's a three and four guy.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

The Heat are in deep water because they can't match the Nuggets' height

I think [the Heat] are in deep, deep water because they're just, nuggets are better and taller and tall. Tallness matters. Height matters. It does in in basketball.

Ben McAdoo is a watered-down fraud trying too hard to sound like a real football guy

Ben McAdoo seems like he's trying real hard as a first-year head coach to be a football guy. I think he's overextending himself a little bit. He sounds like a fraud. He's like a watered-down football guy. If this was like Coughlin doing this, then I would absolutely accept this is a football guy.

The Jaguars vs. Dolphins game in London will be a hilarious 'fish out of water' situation that everyone will watch despite claiming it sucks

The Dolphins versus Jaguars in London, that is going to be a hilarious game that no one's going to watch, but we're all going to watch. Everyone's going to be like, this game sucks. We're not going to watch it. And then we're all going to watch it.

Colt McCoy is a gamer who can tread water but won't win a big drive

Colt McCoy is the type of – he's a gamer. He's going to win you a lot of games like – 21-17, and then when you get to a big moment and you need a big drive, he's not that guy anymore.

Sam Bradford better simulates what Teddy Bridgewater would have done for the Vikings than Shaun Hill

Sam Bradford, the thinking is, I believe better simulates what Teddy would have done if he would have been able to play. I don't know that Bradford can get there... it's going to be an uphill climb, but when things settle down, they're going to be better off with Bradford than they would be with Hill.

I will bet on the Waterdogs and the over in every Waterdogs game

I want to be able to bet on the dogs and the over in dogs games. [Paul Rabil] says as long as we don't short our teams, we can wet our beak elsewhere.

Teddy Bridgewater will play for the Vikings before the 2017 season ends

I don't know what in the hell they're expecting at this point. So I think, yeah, we'll see Bridgewater before the end of the year on the field.

I don't want the Waterdogs to win the championship if it is played on an NFL Sunday

If the Waterdogs want to be the best dogs possible, they would lose in the semifinals. So we don't have to watch them in the finals... I don't want to have to be burdened with them on an NFL Sunday.

The 7th PLL expansion team will be named the Waterdogs

The Waterdogs are going to be the name. I'm excited for it... Go Waterdogs.

Conor McGregor's rampage at Barclays Center was a real incident, not a work

I cannot figure out, a lot of people are saying it might be a work. I think it's real. I think it's absolutely real.

Teddy Bridgewater is 23-8 against the spread in his last 31 starts as an underdog

Here's the main takeaway from Teddy Bridgewater being named the starting quarterback of the Denver Broncos. He is 23 and eight against the spread in his last 31 starts as an underdog. When Teddy Bridgewater is an underdog, bet on Teddy Bridgewater.

Teddy Bridgewater is the best quarterback in NFL history at covering spreads

The dolphins minus three and a half... Teddy Bridgewater, the best quarterback in the history of the NFL at covering spreads. Spread Bridgewater. I saw some people call him Teddy covers. No, it's Spread Bridgewater. He is 42-20-0 against the spread that hits at a .677 clip. That's number one by far.

Derek Jeter was only the second-best shortstop on the Yankees

Second best shortstop on that Yankees team. Behind A-Rod.

The Warriors' lack of adjustment against Peyton Pritchard in the 4th quarter was a massive mistake

I don't understand what the warriors were doing where like Peyton Pritchard was on Steph Curry because Marcus smart was on the bench and they didn't attack Peyton Pritchard the entire fourth quarter. It was crazy. Like they just didn't, they, I don't know why they didn't attack him.

The Toronto Raptors are the softest team I've ever watched

The Raptors are the softest team I've ever watched. And having Fred VanVleet take the game-winning shot in overtime, how do you have DeRozan and Lowry and you have these guys... they shrink in every big moment. They're so soft that they made Kevin Love look like the tough guy.

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

The Lakers were never winning a title because their roster was the problem, not coaching.

I still think that the roster is the problem that they just don't have enough guys. And the Nuggets were a better basketball team no matter how many minutes the Lakers led. Execution and being able to win games late is what makes the team better... They were a good team. They were never a great team.

It is time for an open and honest dialogue about Teddy Bridgewater not being a franchise starter

Teddy doesn't look great. And he's so easy to root for too because of the injury and all that stuff. And everywhere he goes, people seem to love him. But I think it's time for America to have an open and honest dialogue about Teddy Bridgewater. I don't think that John Elway is going to stick with Teddy going into [next year].

Tyler Linderbaum is a first-round pick and the most compelling center to watch in football

Iowa is the first football team that I've ever watched where I can't take my eyes off the center. Tyler Linderbaum. I'm giving you that name right now... This dude, he's going to be first round pick. I would take him as high as it gets. I'm in love with watching... this dude just murders people. He destroys people.

It is better to watch the Yankees lose late in the playoffs than in the Wild Card game

I'm going to disagree on the fact that you're glad they lost tonight because it's going to be so much better to watch them lose two games or three games.

Elon Musk's involvement with Twitter will be good for trolls and memes

I think [Elon Musk] just going to make it easier for trolls online. I think he likes trolls. He likes memes. He likes trolls. I think this is good for us. Happy to see old Elon getting on board.

I don't watch the game if the ball is out of the infield because of my bad eyes

I don't sit in bleacher seats. That's what the common people say... I have bad eyes, so I can't see that far. If it's out of the infield, I don't see it. I have to listen to the crowd.

Deshaun Watson is a much better pocket passer than people realize

I think he's a good pocket passer. I think that that's one thing that people, when you think of [Deshaun Watson], you immediately think of a guy that can move around and get away from pressure, but he is good in the pocket.

If you are going on a boat party before a playoff game, you better win that game

This is a classic if you're going to go on a boat party. It's the old Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson and Cabo rule. If you're going to go hang out before a playoff game, you better win that fucking playoff game.

The new 6 PM SportsCenter will be 90% conversation and only 10% traditional highlights

We have producers who enjoy and appreciate what we do... In fact, we had to give it a percentage. The six is going to be 85% to 90% of what you've seen on His and Hers and 10% some SportsCenter. And that 10% is going to feel like His and Hers. It's just going to be something that SportsCenter would have done anyway.

Joel Embiid will stop being funny on Twitter when he starts playing poorly or getting hurt more

I predicted like a month ago how Joel would not be so funny on Twitter when he starts fucking up. So this is the first one. He's injured like every other day. He's got a lot of time to go back and forth. Take away his umlaut over the Joel. You're just Joel now.

Oregon is going to destroy Liberty in the Fiesta Bowl

17 points is not nearly enough points. They're so strong... They're way bigger than Liberty. So I'm hammering Oregon this weekend.

The winner of Oregon vs. Indiana will be the favorite to win the national championship

Whoever wins this game is gonna be favored in the national championship. I think it's, yeah, it's fair to point out that while Indiana looks super impressive... Oregon appears to be a much more formidable opponent.

You watch college basketball to see Duke players cry after tournament losses

If you are not a Duke fan, you watch college basketball for the moment that Luke Kennard and Grayson Allen cry during the tournament after they get stunned by a 10-seed. That's why you watch.

Floyd Mayweather was in complete control for every second of the Conor McGregor fight

In terms of actually looking back and thinking about it, there was not one second that [Mayweather] wasn't in complete control. Like Connor threw some big punches, but Floyd knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. He's like, I'll play defense for a few rounds, and then he's going to get gassed, which he did, and he knocked him out.

Oregon is a bad matchup for North Carolina due to a lack of size

I do think North Carolina is going to win. I think they're the better team. And they're a bad matchup for Oregon... [Oregon] has athleticism. They do not have—they have a little length. A lot of athleticism. No size.

The Miami Hurricanes and Texas Longhorns are on the fraud watch list

I don't think it's fair for us to put Miami on the fraud list just yet after one week. Let's put them on a watch list... questionable Miami. I would say Texas is also questionably fraud.

Deshaun Watson's $230 million guaranteed contract is going to be one of the worst in NFL history.

Deshaun Watson is gonna be in the running for worse contracts of all time. $200 million guaranteed has not been able to stay on the field. The Browns have a roster that is Super Bowl worthy, and now he's missing the rest of the year. And they're going to be having to fend off the AFC north with DTR, PJ Walker.

I finally have a football game to watch every single week from now until the second week of February

We have finally gotten to the point where we will have a football game every single week until the second week of February. We have the Hall of Fame game on Thursday night. There will be a football game every single week.

Raimel Tapia is the one hitter who has completely owned me throughout my career

Raimel Tapia for a while. I think last time I faced him was 2023 maybe in Milwaukee. And I, I swear to you, I think it was like he's hitting 600 off me, like 12 for like 20... I'm like, oh, at least I'd never give up a home run to him. Give up a home run to him that day. So, considerable is an understatement, I think if you ask me.

J.J. Watt is the only defensive lineman I've ever coached who was allowed to call his own stunts based on offensive formations

One of the guys I coached in the last several years was J.J. Watt. And we let J.J., we let him determine where he was going to go by the formation... Normally, the linebacker plays off the defensive lineman, but we just did the opposite with him. He's one of the few guys I've ever had that... just decipher what the formation is and then go play.

Every NFL player wants to play in Las Vegas because it's cheap and there's no state income tax

Everybody want to play in Las Vegas because it's cheap out there, for one. And the taxes is nothing like California taxes... who wouldn't want to live out there?

The 49ers are no longer fun to watch and I'm very worried about them

I am very worried about the Niners now. I figured that they were gonna kick the shit out of the Seahawks today. ... I used to watch the 49ers play and be excited to watch them play. And that stopped when this season started. Even though they got Christian McCaffrey back, they're not fun to watch on offense right now.

The NFL gave Deshaun Watson an 11-game suspension specifically so his return would be against the Texans

Why is it 11 games? That's a weird number. Right? So you look at the schedule that game that he'd be coming back would be against the Houston Texans. So they have to talk about it all the time throughout the entire game... Homecoming.

The Saints are officially on 'Quit Watch'

The Saints are officially on quit watch. Dennis Allen, Richard Sherman said at halftime, he's like, they're trying to get Dennis Allen fired. I wouldn't be shocked. And the Saints are just like—this was so—this was a bad game.

Mike Shanahan uses a virtual system called 'Shana-Cam' to watch all 49ers meetings and film, though calling him a 'shadow GM' is an exaggeration.

There is something at 49ers headquarters referred to as the 'Shana-Cam', where Mike Shanahan needs to watch meetings and practice ASAP virtually... Some people think he's the shadow gm. I think that's an exaggeration. But this is incredible.

Deshaun Watson is on par with Bryce Young and Daniel Jones and should be benched

He's not great. He's not good. He's not even average right now. I put him on par with Bryce Young or Daniel Jones. He can go stand in line with them, rip the bandaid off before it's too late. Deshaun Watson's done... folks, he can't play. I'm ticked.

The 'sports are better with fans' honeymoon phase will end by Thanksgiving

We're in a nice honeymoon phase where it is incredible to turn on a game and just be like, oh, my God, this is awesome... I think sometime around Thanksgiving, if you're still doing that, if you're still pointing out the extremely obvious sports are better with fans, you're late to it.

Kawhi Leonard is gone from Toronto no matter what happens in the Finals

I think he's gone no matter what. I think he's made up his mind already no matter what. There could be a world where he's like, I really love it in Toronto, but losing or winning the finals won't change that.

I'm officially on nervous watch that the Packers are going to make a run

I'm officially on—I'm nervous watch. I'm nervous that they're [the Packers] going to make a run. I change my—Packers fans know me well enough that I start to change my tone when I start to get really nervous... knowing that they're better than [their record].