Takes

The drop in oil futures is a direct result of Shell oil getting 'woke' for International Women's Day.

International Women's Day today... we talked about Shell oil is now 'She-ll' and now oil is down. So you have to wonder is there a link between that did Shell get too woke and take our eye off the bottom line of their business and now oil futures are down 30%?

The NFL has audio from the Miles Garrett/Mason Rudolph incident but is refusing to release it.

The NFL should just they have to have they've got out here. Now, they know they've got audio... I think the NFL had audio because you'll remember they have audio that they play like every Tuesday on Showtime... and their excuse was they have a guy who pushes a button to stop recording in between plays. That doesn't exist.

Tom Brady will return to the Patriots on a $30 million per year deal

He said he's not going anywhere in the advertisement, and then a report came out today that the Patriots are willing to pay him $30 million a year... I feel good about Brady coming back.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back because of Ed Reed and the Super Bowl

Either way, the U's back. Danny Boy Cane's got them covered... Recruits see that night game at Hard Rock Cafe Stadium in Miami Gardens, and they think the U might be back.

The Lakers are peaking too early in the NBA season

The Lakers are really fucking good... peaking too early. They didn't even have Anthony Davis and LeBron the other night, and they fucking smoked the Thunder... I'm putting in the tickler file... peaking too early.

The Washington Capitals will win the 2020 Stanley Cup

My who's back of the week is the Washington Capitals. So it is 2020. It is even year bullshit for the Capitals. They win the Stanley Cup every year. They won in 2018. They're about to win it again.

The movie 'Cats' is intentionally broken to generate viral buzz

I'm a little bit woke because it is getting people talking about the movie Cats because we probably wouldn't be talking about it at all if it wasn't a massive fuck up. And now what they're doing is they're taking the movie back. They're re-editing certain scenes and sending an entirely new version out next week. So now the people that already saw it are going to want to go back and see it again.

Michigan will beat Ohio State

I think Michigan will beat Ohio State. I'm not going to say they are going to beat Ohio State... I think it's going to be a more competitive game than people thought a month ago.

Urban Meyer is the leading rumor for the Florida State job

Coaching search season is back because Willie Taggart got the axe at Florida State and now people are speculating that they're going to throw a bag at Urban Meyer, who's waiting only for the USC job or the Notre Dame job to open up.

The Jets will be competitive against the Patriots on Monday Night Football

I think the Jets are going to be competitive tonight. Sam Darnold adds a little bit of pep in the step in the building... everyone's feeling a little more well rested.

Dan Snyder will offer Chip Kelly $50 million to coach the Redskins.

I'm not worried anymore about Jim Harbaugh corrupted by Dan Snyder because Snyder's definitely going to throw like 50 million dollars at Chip Kelly. That's a fact. That's how all this ends.

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1 with a Super Bowl victory

My official prediction was one random loss, like one fluke loss in the regular season. ... They could lose a regular season game and then go 18-1 [and win the Super Bowl].

The US government should try dropping icebergs or Air Force planes to reverse hurricane wind patterns

Hurricane innovation is fully back... Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can't get going as fast? Flying the Air Force at the hurricane to reverse the wind patterns... we should solve it.

Josh Gordon will be on the Patriots for the entire 2019 season

He's [been suspended] for zero weeks. [How many weeks will he be on the team?] All of them. [If he gets cut or leaves] Hank gets a cat.

LeBron James should have received a technical foul for dunking in his son's AAU layup line

LeBron got in the layup line... Literally in the layup line. It was like throwing down dunks. He should have got a technical foul. They scored. He ran on the court, was celebrating with the team. You're not allowed to dunk in the layup line. That is a technical foul.

I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river in one day

I said, hey, coach [Jeff Fisher], do you think that I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river? And he said, absolutely... One day. One Alaskan day. Catch it out of the water, kill it, eat it.

The Area 51 storming petition is an alien or government setup

This is a setup, though, don't you think? ... The government is trying to get rid of all the people that are like crazy and do theories online. Or is the setup that the aliens have set this up and they're trying to eliminate everyone who believes in aliens.

Aaron Rodgers hates and despises Matt LaFleur

Aaron Rodgers, Matt LaFleur, not off to the best start. And I'm not making like a mountain out of a molehill. I think Aaron Rodgers hates Matt LaFleur. Despises him.

Aaron Rodgers chugging a beer poorly has cursed the Packers

Curses are back because ever since Aaron Rodgers didn't chug his beer, which we'll get to in segments, the Bucks didn't win another game and Matt LaFleur tore his Achilles and is going to be coaching out of a cart this spring. Aaron Rodgers cursed their team, 100%.

Bartolo Colon is definitely going to return to MLB

So he [Bartolo Colon] is going to be back. It's a pre-laden back. I saw a tweet saying that he was signed with the Tigers, and then everyone's like, that's fake news... but he is going to be back.

Kyler Murray is actually much shorter than his listed height

I actually do think that he's short. I think he's shorter than I am... He's like 5'6", 5'7", 5'8"... I do think that Kyler Murray is running away from his true self. I think that he's like 5'8".

The Jeopardy buzzer is goosed to help James Holzhauer win

I think Jeopardy's probably goosing his buzzer speed because he's really, really quick on the thumb... I think the buzzer on the left is faster than the other ones because it's in the best interest of Jeopardy to have a dominant star. They need a king.

The Olympics should be held every year in Las Vegas since no other city wants them

They should do the Olympics every year. What the fuck? Just do it in Vegas. Because no city wants it. Just do it in Vegas every year.

Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals are going to make another deep playoff run.

So this is all lining up for the Caps to make another deep playoff run... I would be very, very afraid if I were the Eastern Conference right now. Very afraid. Very afraid. I'm just calling it. It's our year.

The Raiders playing in a baseball stadium again in 2019 will be cool because of the wind and potential McCovey Cove punts

Oakland Raiders playing in baseball stadiums [is back]. You will get to see the Raiders play on dirt and grass for another year... it would be great if a punt or a field goal went into the bay... look out for wind. It's going to be windy there.

Billy McFarland and 'The Situation' will launch fraudulent business ideas together while in prison

It turns out the prison that [Billy McFarland] is going to is the same prison that 'The Situation' is locked up in right now. So the schemes, those two are going to cook up together. They're going to come out of there with like 18 business ideas, 19 of which are fraud.

Coach K will leave Duke to coach LeBron James and Kyrie Irving in the NBA

I'm going to go pro, do the old Pete Carroll, bounce, and then go coach LeBron and Kyrie. I like that.

The Super Wolf Blood Moon is a sign of the apocalypse, and all hell is going to break loose on January 22nd.

Obviously these apocalyptic signs in the heavens are pointing to a catastrophic event that is just on the horizon... on January 22nd, all hell's going to break loose. If you're listening to this, we're dead.

I will carry heavy objects between my desk and the studio all year to get 'boulders for shoulders'

The new office, it's probably about 100 feet from our desk to our studio. We should just carry something super heavy, so you have to carry it back and forth. You bring it in, then you've got to bring it back... we're going to start carrying random shit around.

I will learn how to do an ollie on a skateboard in 2019

I would love to do an ollie... I'd love to learn how to skateboard just a little bit. I watched Mid90s the other day. Awesome movie. But I'd love to learn how to skateboard just a little bit.

I'm going to lose 15 pounds in January

I'm going to lose 15 pounds in January. Are you really? That's the goal? Yeah. That's your baseline goal? I was just saying that. That was really... I tried to sneak attack you guys on that one.

I will get a haircut that is just a very long mullet with lightning bolts on the side

I'm going to get a haircut this year... Would it be acceptable if I got a haircut and just turned into a mullet? Like a really fucking long mullet? Lightning bolts to the side.

The Office will be rebooted within the next six months

I'm now just going to call my shot that within six months, [The Office] will be rebooted... Hank Guarantee. Yep. Six months.

Jeff Brohm is going to leave Purdue to become the head coach at Louisville.

Jeff Braum has done just enough statements being like, 'I want to be at Purdue' for me to say, yeah, okay, you're going to be Louisville's head coach in like a month. It's the classic college coach. If a college coach does a press conference and says, 'I want to be here,' we get it, dude.

The Office is definitely coming back for a revival

My Who's Back of the Week is The Office... Steve Carell hosted SNL. It was a great, hilarious SNL... they said it's not coming back. But it's definitely one of those things where they're just getting people used to talking about it so when it comes back, they're excited.

Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback

Aaron Rodgers, uncoachable. I mean, look at his track record with backup quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback. Yes, exactly.

Batman will definitely appear in the upcoming Joker movie

Batman will be in [the Joker movie] at some point. That's my solemn promise to you is Batman will be in there at some point.

Roger Goodell is making kickers miss to justify getting rid of ties

We had a theory last year... that Roger Goodell was trying to save football or at least appear like he was the good guy by having all of his kickers miss these easy field goals so that he could come in and change the rules and get rid of ties altogether.

Nick Saban stays on top because he has a factory where he personally shits out new players

I think Nick Saban personally shits players out. Because he chews them out in practice, and then he digests them for a while, and he takes a crap, and boom, I got a linebacker. ... I'd be like, yes, Nick Saban has a factory where he shits players out.

Mike Tomlin has officially lost control of the Steelers

So my who's back is Mike Tomlin losing control of his team. Because like you just alluded to. This tweet, a fan dressed in pads and a helmet made it past security and tried to take part in some drills at the beginning of today's practice. What kind of fucking training camp are you running Mike Tomlin?

Washington D.C. sports is a dynasty that will never lose another championship again

Washington, D.C. is back big time. Wayne Rooney... man of the match. The Capitals re-signed Tom Wilson... that's a dynasty. The Redskins won the offseason again... they're a dynasty at this point. The Washington Valor won the Arena Bowl... so Washington, D.C. sports will never lose another championship again.

The Cleveland Browns are going to win the AFC North

I think they're going to win the division. And you know what? They're going to be fun as shit. I'm dead serious. They got Pac-Man [Adam Jones] coming in at cornerback maybe? They will definitely win more than – I'm going to say, yeah, like they're in that – yeah, they'll be scrappy. They'll be upgraded to scrappy.

Joe Flacco's mobility is night and day compared to last year

Joe Flacco's mobility is night and day compared to last year. He's healthy now. Flacco is full speed. The difference is evident. No limitations as a scrambler. Or even on designed runs. So they're opening up the playbook for Flacco. They're going to let him show off the wheels.

Kawhi Leonard will hate Toronto and his uncle will continue to speak for him

Kawhi Leonard, does he like Toronto or not? It was reported that he hates it. He didn't leave his hotel room during the All-Star game. Will he or will he not stay or play or ever do anything else on a basketball court because no one's talked to him in like 10 months and his uncle has taken his brain and is now speaking for him.

The Jabari Parker contract is a perfect risk for the Chicago Bulls

Jabari Parker, two-year, $40 million. It's actually the perfect risk by the Bulls to do that but it is very funny when you see the number 40 million and you realize that a guy who's got two torn ACLs is getting 40 million.

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other. Please credit Pardon My Take. Please credit us for inventing that economic principle.

Melania Trump's absence is a genius way to control the media narrative

I hope she's just it actually is genius. If I could totally see like President Trump being like, let's just have Melania never be shown in public again. Just so there's always like a conspiracy theory in my back pocket that can take like take control of the media narrative at any point.

Johnny Manziel is in it for the long haul in the CFL

[Johnny Manziel] signed with the CFL. He's going to the Canadian Hamilton Tiger-Cats... I think he's in it for the long haul.

Albert Pujols is the best Angel of all time

3,000 hit club, Albert Pujols, Los Angeles Angels. Probably the best angel of all time, right? [PFT:] Angel for life. [Big Cat:] Move on. Best angel going into Cooperstown with that halo.

Andre Iguodala has regressed mightily and is now a washed-up bum

I also am going to put a little tickler file on Andre Iguodala being a washed-up bum. He passed up maybe the most wide-open three-pointer today, and my alerts went off in my brain, like, this guy's a bum now... Iguodala's actually regressed mightily. I'm like, well, guess what? Big Cat saw him pass up that 1-3. He got the bum tag.