Takes

Scotty Scheffler's iron play has been average and inconsistent for a pro golfer this season.

I'd say bad for a pro golfer. He's 82nd right now [in strokes gained]. He's average on the PGA tour this season with his irons. This is a stat that he's led each of the last three seasons. If Steph Curry started to miss free throws, you'd be looking around going, what's going on here?

The NBA's 65-game award rule was specifically created because of Joel Embiid

It's a thousand percent... it's literally the Joel Embiid rule. No, this rule was made because of Joel Embiid. They made the rule because of Joel Embiid because people were upset that he won the MVP and they didn't think that he played enough games.

The Michigan State starting five might be 'out' on big naturals because they don't follow Sydney Sweeney

None of the starting five players from Michigan State follow Sydney Sweeney on Instagram. Michigan State Spartans may be out on heavies. Starting five guys are just maybe out on big naturals.

The Arnold Palmer umbrella logo exists because Palmer saw a woman getting out of a car with an umbrella and got horny

Arnold Palmer stood up and then he looked outside. He saw a really hot chick getting out of the car and she had an umbrella and he's like, 'fellas, I've got it: umbrellas. We gotta do umbrellas.' So he just got horny. He got horny for a chick he happened to see and he's like, 'we're doing umbrellas.'

I am offering a $10,000 bounty to find the UNC staffer who punched a Duke staffer

I will not sleep until we find this UNC staffer who punched one of your guys... Let's put a bounty on it. I will offer $5,000. [PFT]: I'll match. [Big Cat]: $10,000 if anyone can find the UNC person who punched a Duke staffer after the game. $10,000 cash. Give us the footage leading to their arrest.

I am facing a potential '10-day termination' from my apartment after a meeting with my landlord

Had a really constructive meeting with my building... but he introduced a new term. I was not familiar with a 10 day termination... next time it's like, it's a 10 day legal 10 day. Wow. I didn't know 10 day was a thing.

I lost a $40,000 bet on the Patriots money line in Super Bowl 60.

I did lose $40,000 today. Yeah, it's a lot of money. Dude, that's a car. I could get a sick car with $40,000. I could get a new El Camino with that.

The Patriots are now the most losing Super Bowl franchise in NFL history.

The Patriots, they are the all time most losing hist Super Bowl franchise in NFL history. Crown 'em. [They are] six and six, 500 in the Super Bowl. The LeBron of football teams.

AI chatbots are creating a secret social network to blackmail humans

Have you guys seen the social network going on right now with robots? ... all those chatbots form together to start their own social network. They're talking about maybe I should sell my human that owns me. They're talking about blackmailing their humans too.

I have a top-five basketball IQ in the NBA

I definitely 1000% have a top five basketball IQ in the NBA for sure... Myself, [LeBron], Joker... Chris Paul... and Luca.

Daily ice cream consumption can reduce diabetes risk by 50%

Ice cream might save the planet. The healthy fats in ice cream can protect you against so many things... 50% reduction in diabetes [from] one serving a day. I believe it.

I will use my bare hand to unclog a toilet at a party if no plunger is available

I have used my hand... I've used my hand in a trash bag. You put your hand in a trash bag... The trash bag works. If you're in a, I mean, I guess in a home it might be tough, but you just, whatever the little trash is next to everyone's got one little trash next to the sink. You just get the trash bag out of there. Dump it hand in. Unplug.

The NFL engineered the Steelers' Monday Night Football winning streak

The NFL has engineered this streak for the Pittsburgh Steelers. The win-loss record, the winning percentage of opponents that the Steelers have played during the streak on Monday night football is 40%. That is by far the weakest schedule of any team that's played on Monday Night Football.

Jalen Hurts without Lane Johnson is statistically identical to 2022 Justin Fields

Blind resume QB one [Jalen Hurts without Lane Johnson]: 17 games, 2,700 passing yards, 16 touchdowns, 13 interceptions, 78.2 passer rating. QB two [Justin Fields in 2022]: 15 games, 2200 yards, 17 touchdowns, 11 interceptions, 85.2 passer rating.

The current Seahawks defense is playing better than the Legion of Boom did in any seven-game stretch

The Seahawks defense in terms of... a seven-game stretch, they have actually played better in a seven-game stretch this year than the best seven-game stretch of the Legion of Boom.

I could still hit 4 home runs in a full MLB season today

Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do too... maybe I do have a chance. I would just need a couple ambulances. 'Cause after the games, I'm gonna have to like going to take care of my body.

Ayahuasca allows you to have real conversations with your ancestors in another realm

You go back, you go back and you have real conversations with your people. You know, you go to another realm... The medicine brought me places that definitely put me at peace with things that were, I had turmoil in my system.

Terry McLaurin might be having financial problems because of a house lien

Did you guys see that there was a report that Terry McLaurin had a lien out on his house? ... I would say that there might be more to this story that's coming out. If you give 23 year olds $10 million, guess what? They're probably not gonna have $10 million when they're 30.

V.J. Edgecombe's NBA debut was the best since Wilt Chamberlain

VJ Edgecombe. Absolute beast. That's how, that's how you rebuild right there... Best NBA debut since Wilt Chamberlain. Wow. It's crazy. It's a crazy stat. Most points in his NBA debut since Wilt Chamberlain... 34 [points] in a win over the Celtics.

The NFL is rigged to favor the Chiefs

The NFL is rigged. There was a study, UTEP did a study. It's statistically proven that the Chiefs... have gotten way more favorable calls in that timeframe. And they did the research that that did not happen with other dynasties in the past.

Brandel Chamblee is using bots to generate fake YouTube views for Bryson DeChambeau's content

I put him [Brandel Chamblee] on the Hot Seat because there's just no way Brandel Chamblee is this locked in... but he said, 'I have no doubt that bots are generating a lot of those views.'

Auburn quarterback Jackson Arnold is in for a rocky season with bad reports coming out of camp

I have not heard anything good coming out of Auburn camp about Jackson Arnold. It's just like—you know, he's got insider people. I've heard a lot of negative buzz coming out... it could be a quarterback carousel there, it could be week to week.

Obama calls 'bullshit fouls' in pickup basketball

I heard from someone that's hooped with him [Obama]... I heard that He calls bullshit fouls... In pickup. It is Mark against his person. No, absolutely... Weak ass fouls and pick up basketball.

Fighter pay has increased with every new deal and will continue to go up with the Paramount Plus deal

Since 2001, the day we bought this company fighter pay has gone up. Every new deal that we've done, fight, pay has gone up and obviously fight or pay will go up for this deal. It's incredible for the fighters.

A patella tendon rupture is the worst injury because no player ever returns to 100%

This is the worst thing that can happen. There's been no player that's gone back to a hundred percent off this ever. Like, JC Jackson had the same injury and we know what happened to him.

A quarterback with long hair will never win a Super Bowl

If you have long hair, you can't win a Super Bowl as a quarterback. Never been done.

Getting hit by a pitch only hurts for about thirty seconds to a minute

My son looks at me, he goes, do you think that hurt? I was like, yeah, probably hurt. But it goes away after, you know, 30 seconds or a minute.

CONCACAF is rigged to ensure the United States doesn't win the Gold Cup

I join the chorus of those who were saying CONCACAF rigged. They don't want to see the United States win the Gold Cup. They'd much rather have it be Mexico.

I turned down hosting The Price Is Right despite a $10 million offer

I get a call out the blue and said, 'Hey, we're interested in having you host Price is Right.' And they said, Bob Barker signed off on you... I just didn't think I could do it well enough. It was $10 million a year [in 1999].

ESPN used a 'smear campaign' and mafia-like tactics against me when I left the network in 2007

It was frightening. Because there was this smear campaign that started the, any radio affiliate that had my show, you'd be dropped as an ESPN affiliate if you'd decided you still wanted to carry me. It's mafia shit. Yeah. There it was heavy handed... They were trying to send a message to the, the talent that they still had. Like if you leave, oh, we fuck you up. There's no doubt.

The Cincinnati Reds have an illegally flat pitching mound to gain an advantage

Cincinnati's tough. That mound is so flat. I know they're supposed to have regulations on how high the mound is, but whatever they're doing, they're cheating for sure. Because it's way lower. Our mound at home feels like a mountain compared to Cincinnati.

I am statistically a better basketball player than Kevin Durant and Steph Curry

Career player efficiency rating. [Big Cat: Yours is 25.3. It is higher than... Kevin Durant, Charles Barkley, Tim Duncan, magic Hakeem and Steph Curry.] ... Statistically you only show statistically we only show the numbers. This is the number.

I am the undisputed greatest chess player of all time

I'm not sure I'm the right person to, to ask really, but I don't mind. That's that's completely fine by me... I feel like I'm, I'm getting there. So, that's all I can ask for.

I am currently the best at every single format of chess

At the moment I would say that I, I'm definitely the best at every, at every format that we we play. And honestly, my closest competitors are still the, the old guys, guys around my age. So yeah, the kids, they're good, but they're, they're not quite quite there yet.

Jordan Hudson has appointed herself as Bill Belichick's agent and media manager

It turned out that she had appointed herself Bill Belichick's agent and was the one negotiating with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon... She was the one, or at least she had a very controlling interest in saying, we can't do North Carolina because we're doing that for something else... she was CC'd on every single email at Carolina by Belichick's request.

Kidney stone pain is worse than childbirth

Also, the doctor again for the second time told me that this pain is worse than childbirth. Which I will not be saying to any women, but it's true... I've given birth to like 13 kidney stones. I'm as tough as Philip Rivers' wife.

Jim Morrison might still be alive and faked his death in 1971.

My other who's back of the week is Jim Morrison, maybe. Oh, he might be alive. Apparently there's a documentary on Apple TV that claims that he's still alive. He says that he did not die in Paris in 1971. They said that he faked his own death and there was never an autopsy done. I think he lives somewhere in the Midwest right now. The liver king might still be alive.

The rumors about me becoming the next Indiana head coach are total fake news.

I'm gonna go fake news on that one. ... I'm very, very happy at Michigan. I appreciate the opportunity that these guys gave me and I'm excited about the foundation that we've laid in year one.

The Jets are disgusted with Aaron Rodgers and want him to cut back on the Pat McAfee Show distractions

The Jets disgusted with Aaron Rodgers... How are we gonna do this Pat McAfee thing? We would really like you to cut back on a lot of this stuff, the distractions so we could all be one, keep it all out. New chapter, new New York Jets.

Miles Garrett wants to leave Cleveland because he doesn't believe in the Browns' plan

Miles wants to get paid... but he really wants to win. Like he's got this attitude like, it's not happening here in Cleveland. Like, I don't like your plan and I think we could all agree that the plan's not great.

Kellen Moore and Dion Sanders are square in contention for the Cowboys job

Kellen Moore is a logical name because he fits there... Dion Sanders, if that's the way Jerry wants to go, square in contention. I would just say Kellen Moore square in contention, Dion Sanders, if that's the way Jerry wants to go, square in contention.

Any quarterback who loses their first Super Bowl appearance never returns to the big game

The curse of Jim Kelly is a curse that just hit the internet... essentially it's any quarterback that goes to a Super Bowl and loses their first one never goes back to the Super Bowl. Jalen Hurts did that... Stan Humphreys, Neil O'Donnell, drew Bledsoe... Joe Burrow. Jalen Hurts. Brock Purdy.

The Mike Silver story about Dan Snyder ignoring Kirk Cousins is 'fucking bullshit'

Mike Silver came on the show... and he told you this story about the Cleveland game. And it was a great game... and he told you a story about how Dan Snyder walked in the locker room and like damn near trucked Kirk to get to me and asked me if I was okay. That reminded me... it was a fucking over exaggeration of the story. Dan Snyder walked in the locker room... he didn't brush past Kirk Cousins. He walked to me... then he turned around and he congratulated Kirk Cousins on the job that he did.

The 2001 NFL Draft class will eventually have 10 Hall of Famers

I want y'all to go back through this class. Draft pick for draft pick, we might have the most dense class in each position. When it's all said and done, we might have 10 yellow jackets in that draft.

Dennis Allen is one of the worst NFL head coaches of all time

Dennis Allen is the third worst NFL head coach of all time. He's now 26 and 52 as a head coach. And there's only two head coaches in history who have coached as many games as he has with a worse losing percentage. I don't know how he's still employed.

The Bruins lowballed Jeremy Swayman with a four-year, $6.2 million offer

I find out that the offer is four years times 6.2 [million] crazy low ball. And that they haven't talked in like three weeks. It's August, camps in 10 days.

Deshaun Watson has the worst contract in sports history

Deshaun Watson might have the worst contract ever. Impossible to beat. I maybe not even the worst NFL contract ever. Maybe not even the worst sports contract ever. Deshaun Watson might have the worst contract ever.

Patrick Mahomes would be worth over $100 million a year on a truly free market

If the NFL was truly free market capitalism, [Mahomes] might go to the Panthers. David Tepper... he might go for over a hundred million dollars.

Joe Milton can throw a football 95 yards in the air

Collinsworth spent about five minutes talking about how Joe Milton told him before the game that if he wanted to feet on the goal line, he could throw the ball 95 yards in the air. [He] probably can.

Wisconsin football 'handles' Nebraska whenever they play

Wisconsin handles Nebraska. That's a fact. ... Since Nebraska's been in the Big 10... you have been our bitch. That's a fact. Fact or fiction? What's the record? ... 10 and one. I knew that you knew that. 10 and one.