Takes

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.

Kevin Durant will 100% return to the Oklahoma City Thunder

Kevin Durant is 100% going back to the Thunder. Yes. They're doing some trial balloons... it was a video narrated by KD talking about Chet Holmgren and the city of Oklahoma City... I'm absolutely for it because I think that would be a very cool, like if he won, wins a title with the Thunder. Kind of everything's forgiven.

The Capitals would have won Game 1 if they could remove any three minutes of play

If you take out like three minutes in the second period, we actually tied this game. One. One. ... If you take out that 10 seconds and the two and a half minutes in the second period, the caps actually won. This game one nothing in a series where nobody thought that we could come within three goals of beating the Rangers.

I never sit with my back to the door in restaurants so I can always have a vantage point

I never sit with my back to the door like you in a restaurant. I never sit with my back to the door. You always gotta sit to where You can have a vantage point of like, everything that's going on around you.

Hitchhiking should be brought back because it was generally safe

Bring back hitchhiking. Hitchhiking was safe. I feel like hitchhiking got a bad rap because there were a couple serial killers out there. Almost 100% of hitchhikers ended without a serial killer encounter.

Boeing whistleblower John Barnett did not commit suicide

There was a whistleblower... John Barnett... His body was found the morning of three nine dead. He was allegedly from suicide even though he told his family, if I die, it's not suicide. He was suicided.

Aaron Rodgers might run for Vice President with RFK Jr.

Aaron Rodgers might run for Vice President... He's being considered and is considering the opportunity right now. Mr. Kennedy confirmed on Tuesday that the two men [Rodgers and Jesse Ventura] were at the top of his list.

70% of big men in the NBA do not actually love basketball

50% of the NBA are guys that don't love basketball... Let's raise that number to 70 then for the big guys. 70% of the big guys... it's forced upon you because you're seven feet. Something wrong happened in your life [if you didn't play basketball at that height].

Tyler Owens is pretending to not believe in space to get a free rocket ride from NASA

I actually think it, it's not a bad thing to say that you don't believe in space. You don't believe in, in the round earth theory, if you want to get a free ride on a Rocket ship, because there's always one guy where NASA's like, yeah, fuck you. We'll show you. Yeah. We'll take you up to space and you can get a look at it. Like, yeah, you know what, I, I also believe that space is fake. NASA prove help, help me prove myself wrong.

The 2024 Masters will have an asterisk because Taylor Gooch wasn't invited

Brooks' teammate on Smash Taylor Gooch was interviewed... and he said he's going to be an asterisk. It's just a reality. Taylor Gooch will always remember as the masters that didn't have Taylor Gooch.

If you are a streaker and you aren't nude, you're not a streaker

If you're a streaker and you're not nude, you're not a streaker. You are an enemy combatant... If you just interrupt the game and you're wearing pants, you're not a streaker. That's stolen valor.

US elite athletes and quarterbacks would dominate Olympic Handball with minimal training

I believe it even more [that we would win gold]. Josh Allen could be the best handball player in the world right now... Imagine trying to stop Lamar. You could just take quarterbacks and they would win a gold medal. I think like two weeks of training.

The Patriots will make the Super Bowl in the next four years

I owe [PFT] $20,000 [if the Patriots don't make the Super Bowl in the next 5 years]. ... You're down one year already. You got four years left. ... New coach. Top three pick. ... Look how fast the Lions did it. ... There's a path.

CJ Stroud reminds me of Dan Marino in his heyday

He makes me think of Dan Marino in his heyday. ... He makes it look so easy with the quick release and the ability to throw out. ... The ability to decipher it and put it right on the numbers and make it makes it look easy. There, there are a few guys that walk into this league and make it look that easy. That's why he reminds me of Marino.

Michael Penix Jr. should be the first quarterback taken in the NFL Draft

Michael Penix [Jr.] should be the first quarterback taking the draft. Michael Penix is so fucking... He was good. Tonight, this might be the best college football performance from a quarterback I've seen in a very long time.

Justin Herbert to the Bears for the #1 pick is the best possible trade

Justin Herbert for the number one pick would be the greatest thing in my life... You know that owner cares about getting fans in that stadium. If they can draft Caleb Williams... and then give the Bears Justin Herbert... I would do that in a second.

Dennis Allen is the worst coach in the NFL

We also need to talk about the fact that Dennis Allen might be the worst coach of all time. And that's not being facetious. That's not being like hyperbolic. That is, if you look at the stats, I think he is somewhere around the seventh to 10th worst coach record wise.

Dylan Raiola is already a bust after his commitment poem

What is this? So fellow fans await with hope in the air for Dylan to choose his purpose to declare in a weekend's decision, destiny calls to fulfill his purpose. Where a new dynasty enthralls... He's already a bust in my eyes. I'm happy for Nebraska fans, but you can't be feeling good about that poem.

Charlie Woods is going to completely transform the game of golf

I think when all is said and done, Charlie Woods is gonna be the guy that completely transforms golf. Agreed. Yeah. He's gonna break the, break the mold.

Joe Flacco is Baldinger's cat — both elite and not elite at the same time, and the debate always ends with 'but so did Trent Dilfer'

I call him Baldinger's cat because he's both elite and not elite at the same time. And he makes everybody furious depending on what your take on Joe Flacco is. And here's how the conversation always goes. Is Joe Flacco elite? Yes. Why? He won a Super Bowl. So did Trent Dilfer. And that's the end of that conversation.

The Eagles will lose in the first round of the playoffs

My overly direct take of the weekend is that the Eagles are gonna lose the first round of the playoffs. ... I was watching the defense. Defense wins championships. And the Eagles defense doesn't exist.

The NFL should allow players to wear either zero, one, or three-plus mouthpieces

Anthony Evans... was wearing not one, not two, but three mouthpieces at once on his person. He's got a red one in his mouth, yellow one hanging down, and then he has a third mouthpiece that's jammed into his left ear hole on his helmet. I kind of love three mouthpiece. Congress needs to step in. You can't do two. You can do three or more. You can do one, zero, or three or more. That's my ruling.

Peyton Manning did the NFL a disservice by creating an unrealistic standard for athletic quarterbacks

Peyton Manning did this league a disservice... by having like, you know, 350 yards passing... All right, here comes Michael Vick. Here comes a Cam Newton... athletic quarterbacks that we're going to get the yards elsewhere... it's not the prototypical way. We're used to seeing yards being made.

Florida State shouldn't automatically be in the playoff just because they are undefeated

The loss of Jordan Travis to me is pretty significant... We live in an era where it's like, okay, they're undefeated, so they're in because they're in a Power five. I just don't do that. I'm really big on the best four teams... If you think Florida State's one of the best teams with Tate Rodemaker, then that's no problem. But I'm just not big on, they're undefeated so we have to put 'em in.

Jordan Love might actually be good

Jordan Love might actually be good. And it's starting to scare me. He might actually be good. And this is the difference between dysfunctional franchises and functional franchises like the Green Bay Packers... I think Jordan Love might be good. And it's starting to worry me. He looked a lot better.

Bill Belichick will be the Commanders head coach in 2024

I think what'll happen behind the scenes, over the course of the next six, seven weeks, they'll work out a deal... Watch Bill Belichick to the commanders after the season. I believe it's gonna happen.

If Joe Flacco wins a Super Bowl with the Browns, he's won two and he's definitively elite — I put a thousand dollars on it at 50-to-1

It would be so awesome if Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl with these Browns. As of Friday I put a thousand dollars future on the Browns thinking that they were gonna get Joe Flacco. So it pays out 50 to 1. If Joe Flacco wins a Super Bowl and he does his normal Joe Flacco thing where he doesn't make any mistakes, gets the pass interferences — that would contribute so much to the Flacco discourse. At that point he's won two Super Bowls. He's elite.

Tommy DeVito might be a franchise quarterback

Tommy DeVito might be a franchise quarterback... he now has more touchdown passes than any QB playing in New Jersey this season. That's Zach Wilson. Obviously Aaron Rodgers got hurt. Daniel Jones, Tyrod Taylor. Yeah. Tommy DeVito might be a franchise quarterback.

Michigan is 'America's Team' because they rely on clandestine surveillance

America loves the team that beats the odds, beats the adversity... well they yeah, they do rely on a network of clandestine surveillance to accomplish everything. I can see why that would align with the USA.

Sam Howell is a top 12 quarterback in the NFL right now

Sam Howell is firmly the guy. He's my guy. He's our guy. He's the guy in DC... Top 15 Quarterback. Top 15 Quarterback in the NFL. I would say top 12.

Tyrese Maxey is currently the best player in the NBA Eastern Conference

Tyrese Maxey is the best player in the Eastern Conference. Fact or fiction? ... hang the banner of the week. Hang, there's only been one week. If the MVP was given out today, he would win it.

Dak Prescott is the most 'Mid' quarterback in the NFL

Number one, Dak Prescott for sure... I think that those guys could play as high as like a top seven, top eight, top nine quarterback. Or if, you know, my tackle's out and my number one receiver's not there, I might play as a top 12 or top 13 dude.

Players should be allowed to open-hand slap any fan who talks shit to them immediately after a loss

I really do think that Caleb Williams, like every player, if a fan goes up to you and talks shit after a devastating loss, you have like a ten second period where you can just open hand slap 'em. Yeah. Not punch. We're civilized. But I think that that would actually, if that just became a law and a rule, 'cause then fans would start acting accordingly.

Victor Wembanyama looks like he's going to be the greatest player of all time

Victor Wembanyama has been playing in the preseason and he looks like he's gonna be the greatest player of all time. I've never seen anybody the way he plays basketball. He's crazy... He puts like a dome over the rim. It's insane.

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are going to break up soon

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift... we're gonna break up. Allegedly. She's gotta go back out on tour. Travis has got some rehabbing to do with the injury. Not gonna have as much time. I think, you know, this is kind of the three week honeymoon phase is over.

Giannis Antetokounmpo will eventually play for the Knicks

I still think Giannis is gonna end up on the Knicks... I asked him, because Giannis after the benefit was like, 'You a Bucks fan?' I was like, 'Fuck the Bucks, I'm a Knicks fan.' ...He goes, 'Well you never know where I end up next free agency.' and his brother kind of was like nodding. They wanna be in New York.

The Washington Huskies will win the National Championship

I'm going to give you [a future bet] and I want you to go put whatever you want to put on it. On the Washington Huskies. Michael Penix is legit. I think their schedule is very favorable. They're going to score 40 on everybody. This is the most wide open season we've ever seen in college football.

Wisconsin will beat Ohio State in Madison

Luke Fickle is building a monster. I stand by that. We're going to beat Ohio State. You hear that right now? Halloween weekend, night game, Madison. We're going to beat Ohio State.

The Dolphins are guaranteed an AFC Championship spot if Tua stays healthy

My overly direct take is that if Tua Tagovailoa stays healthy, his Dolphins are guaranteed a spot in the AFC Championship. Guaranteed. If he stays healthy, fully healthy. If he doesn't miss any games.

The Commanders are a Super Bowl team if they beat the Bills in Week 3

If they [Commanders] win this game, I'm almost thinking soupy [Super Bowl] Big Cat. That's how delusional I'm getting. Why not us?

Aaron Rodgers is having a better year than Deshaun Watson

There's a chance that Aaron Rodgers is having a better year than Deshaun Watson... Sean Watson is very bad.

The Jacksonville Jaguars will represent the AFC in the Super Bowl

Jacksonville's a slam dunk in their division... But here's why. They're, they're a really good team this year to keep an eye on to go to the Super Bowl, which I think they're going to by the way... If they don't win 13 games it's a disaster by the way. They're gonna score 500 points.

Jonathan Taylor will not play at all this season

I would not [draft Jonathan Taylor]. I don't think he's gonna play this season at all. I don't think he's gonna play.

Caleb Williams will win back-to-back Heisman trophies

Caleb Williams is the real fucking deal. ... It's why I think he's the best player in college. It's why I think he'll be the first pick in the draft and it's why I think he's gonna be the first guy to win the Heisman at consecutive years since Archie Griffin.

Miami of Ohio will beat Miami (FL) in their season opener

First time you'll hear this, I think Miami's gonna win... I'm taking Miami [of Ohio].

Taylor Swift is either a cult leader or a terrorist

Is Taylor Swift kind of a terrorist? She might be kind of a terrorist. It feels like she's got, I'll tell you what, She is either a cult leader or a terrorist and she's very good at doing both. Whichever one it is. So anything that she does, I'm on her side.

The Yankees should extend both Aaron Boone and Brian Cashman

I think they should extend Aaron Boone. Yeah. I think he's the steady hand and Cashman. I think Aaron Boone is a steady hand that the Yankees need to control their franchise. ... We official vote of confidence as they should extend both of them. Yes.

Crows are the dumbest animals in the world

My personal big takeaway was that crows are dumb as shit. ... I've been told my whole life that crows are the smartest bird in the world. And it's a miracle that they ever get out of bed in the morning without stabbing themselves in the butthole with their own beak. Because they're so stupid that they just hold onto the back of an eagle and die of not being able to breathe.

Philadelphia fans giving Trea Turner a standing ovation is strategic and genius

Philly being the big sports town that they are... rallied together and said instead of booing [Trea Turner], we're going to give him a standing ovation every time he gets to the plate... all of our boos are strategic... that's just like us being a very smart sports town and knowing that.

Northwestern football should be given the death penalty

As a fan of Northwestern, I think they should be given the death penalty. True. I think that as Northwestern goes, we're more than a football team. We're, we're an institution that develops and builds young minds and teaches them to be ethical... death penalty to Northwestern.