Takes

Rory McIlroy's Masters win extinguished the hater narrative forever

It's a much harder hate. Yeah. We had to retire it. That's what I'm sad about. We had to retire because Rory, no matter what he is now the sixth all time to have the career Grand slam... He beat all the haters. Including us.

Oregon State is the best team in the country right now

Oregon State's the best team in the country as of right now... Oregon State's the hottest team in the country. They're incredible. The Beavers. Shout out to Beavers.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

Every MLB free agent contract is technically an overpay but it doesn't matter without a salary cap

If the roles were reversed, you would be so over the moon about this. And yes, every contract free agent contract in MLB history is an overpay because you're paying for past accomplishments and who cares? There's no salary cap. It's not your money.

I am going to miss watching LeBron James in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

Everyone out there, please remind us how much fun it's been to talk about LeBron this year because I will have a moment in the first round of the playoffs where I'll be like, I kind of wish LeBron was here.

Watching deep-fake porn of your friends is a lifestyle choice, not a moment of weakness.

I've never clicked on a link being like, I want to jack off to my friends. That's not really, that sounds like a lifestyle choice. Not a moment of weakness.

Fast and Furious is the best movie franchise to watch while stoned

I don't think that there's a franchise of movies that's better to watch stoned in your entirety than Fast and the Furious.

Deshaun Watson having a comeback is the final boss of 'who's the next Sam Darnold'

With all the discourse around Sam Darnold quarterback reclamation projects, it's actually kind of cool to see Darnold being in the Super Bowl. Teams are gonna be like, who's the next Sam Darnold? I found myself this morning thinking about like, what if Deshaun Watson's just good again? What if he's just good? That might be the final boss of who's the next Sam Darnold.

George Steinbrenner was the greatest owner in sports history

Best owner ever. I had the utmost respect because I don't think I've ever seen an owner that wants to win as much as George Steinbrenner wanted to win. Like, literally, we played 162 games. I really think that he wanted us to win 162 games, like not one loss.

Taking away Tyler Warren effectively ends Penn State's passing threat

I actually think that a big impact on this game was when Tyler Warren got taken out. When you take Tyler Warren away from Penn State, then you take away all the threat of their, their physical passing because they're wide receivers. Can't catch a ball.

I'm starting to think the global pandemic was rigged so we would all be forced to watch soccer

I swear to God I'm starting to get to woke that this is all been rigged so that we all have to watch soccer... We're here, life is now just soccer with a little side of horse racing.

The Pac-12 is dying because people can't watch stars like Caleb Williams play on their network

The returning Heisman Caleb Williams, who would probably be the number one pick in the draft and no one in America could watch it 'cause it was Pac-12 network... that could not have been the better way to tip off the last Pac-12 season opener to be like, hey, this is why we're dying. Because we can't watch fucking Caleb Williams play football.

Oregon is a 'Team of Destiny' because of the Chris Boucher injury

Don't sleep on Oregon because remember, Oregon takes on Michigan's Team of Destiny and Oregon had the big injury to [Chris] Boucher right before this tournament started... when you lose someone, that's a big Team of Destiny situation.

The Oregon basketball court is the worst court design of all time

The Oregon court is the worst court of all time. I hate that court. It looks like it's warped. Every time I see that court, I get fucking so mad.

I'm actually into watching the LIV Golf tour

I mean, if a fan, like I'm watching it... it's entertaining. I can't, I'm not gonna sit here and say, it's not.

LeBron James is a dickhead and I would never want him on my rugby team

Probably the last person I would want is LeBron... strictly because he's a dickhead. He's a dickhead. If I had to go with anyone, it would probably be AP, Adrian Peterson. He would be good at that.

JJ Watt did a Twitter Q&A solely to set up his PMT interview appearance

I'm totally woke on the fact that [JJ Watt] was doing this, I think, just so that he could say – he knew that he was going to get HeyJJ'd in his replies. So I think he was just setting up this entire Q&A for the question about Pardon My Take so he would say, I will go on the show.

Deshaun Watson is ruining the team he wants to be traded to

You're essentially saying, I want to be traded to a team that then will give up a bunch of draft capital and then hurt my ability to play for a winning team. In a way, yeah. He's almost kind of shitting in his own house and then buying the house.

JJ Watt should sign with Cleveland or Buffalo to achieve legendary status

Cleveland does, you know, we discussed it when he became a free agent. Like, that is the... franchise you can go to that will embrace him... If you're the final piece to bring a Super Bowl to [Cleveland or Buffalo], it's a totally different level than signing with the Titans or with the Packers.

NFL Draft prospects must understand they are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies

You've got to understand for the next, you know, four or five months, this is locked in time... You are going to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, essentially. I never looked at it that way. Of course, I see it completely different now, and that's the way you have to look at it. You are the head of a foundation, of an organization, and you can be for a long period of time.

Going to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl is actually a punishment

The Disney world thing that they have to do is just punishment. Sam Darnold and Kenneth Walker being in the teacups right after the game when it's like all you wanna do is party with your boys. That sucks.

The Chiefs, Lions, Falcons, and Chargers are the funnest teams to watch because of the inevitable chaos

I would put like the Chiefs, the Lions, the Falcons, and the Chargers as like the funnest teams to watch in the NFL, knowing that some crazy shit's going to happen. Like a 21-point lead [blowing it]. Some sort of heartbreak occur to the Lions franchise.

NFL critics who claim they stopped watching are actually still watching every Sunday

You know my favorite are the people on Twitter that say, I can no longer morally watch football. You are a fucking liar because I know you're fucking watching the Red Zone from 1 o'clock to 7 o'clock every fucking Sunday. You can't stop watching the NFL. You can't. Like it or not, it's here.

TJ Watt should win Defensive Player of the Year

TJ Watt is, I know he won't win it, but he should win Defensive Player of the Year. I know that the Browns fans will be like Myles Garrett... [Watt] has 17 and a half sacks and he's played 10 full games. He does everything for them.

The new MLB rules have made baseball watchable again

Overall, I think that what they've done is they've turned baseball into a game that more people will Congrats. We did it. We made baseball watchable again.

The Patriots should transition to Drake May sooner rather than later

I think you should start Drake May. Why maybe not this week on a Thursday, but if you want to push the ball downfield and give your team chances like that, it should be Drake May. That's my point. If it's tank, then Jacoby Brissett's perfect.

The Minnesota Timberwolves are legitimately better without Rudy Gobert

Lakers in advanced the T-Wolves, let's say, let's do, let's do some positive spin zones for the T-Wolves. Okay. One, I think they're better without Rudy Gobert. Yeah. Like legitimately, you can make the case on defense that they need somebody like that to protect the rim. But on offense, they are like, I don't think it's even a debate right now. They work better... without 'em.

GoldenEye 007 and Oregon Trail are top-tier video games

GoldenEye is number one since you didn't take it... Number two, I have Oregon Trail.

Oregon is a bad matchup for North Carolina due to a lack of size

I do think North Carolina is going to win. I think they're the better team. And they're a bad matchup for Oregon... [Oregon] has athleticism. They do not have—they have a little length. A lot of athleticism. No size.

SkyCam is the superior way to watch football because it shows the verticality of the game

Football's a vertical game. You need to see how it goes downfield. You don't get that from the sideline camera angle. Us all 22 guys, we live for the Skycam.

LeVar Ball is a mastermind at putting out 'hater bait' to control the news cycle

LeVar Ball at this point, he's just masterful. He's just putting out hater bait for everyone. He's just like, go ahead. I'm going to pull my son out because we haven't been in the news cycle for maybe 24 hours. And then everyone's going to get mad.

Watching Super Bowl tape as motivation before a rematch is a bad move by Kyle Shanahan

Kyle Shanahan forced the team to watch the Super Bowl this week and said, I think everyone understands that we've lost two Super Bowls [to] them. So, I mean, that can give you a little post-traumatic stress when you turn on the tape. I don't know. I don't know if I like that. ... In what world does that improve morale? Zero. I I guess you could just hope that it's gonna piss 'em off.

J.J. Watt's Super Bowl is having 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos

Bad news, you're out for the season. Good news, you now have 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos. Yeah, how many squats and box jumps can he fit into 10 months? Which, when you think about it, is J.J. Watt's Super Bowl. If J.J. Watt had the choice, win a Super Bowl or get 10 months to talk about making a comeback... I think he's going that way.

A Browns Super Bowl win with Deshaun Watson would be the most hated of all time

What if the Browns go to the Super Bowl and Deshaun Watson is the quarterback... America hates this shit out of them. It should be their moment, their crowning moment of like this team has never won a Super Bowl... and you win the most hateable Super Bowl of all time.

The Cowboys are depressing to watch and need to 'sage the place' to fix their vibes

The Cowboys are depressing to watch now. I cannot watch them. They have some bad, it's a bad vibe on them. They need to Sage that place. They have everything that you would need on offense, but something doesn't work. They need to Sage it.

I am officially walking around inside J.J. Watt's brain right now.

I'm, I'm, I'm walking around in J.J. Watt's brain right now. I'm drinking the beers, but that's in J.J. Watt's brain. [I] clogged his brain's toilet right now.

Everyone who watches Game of Thrones is a nerd

Everyone that watches Game of Thrones. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Did you hear about Game of Thrones? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? I've been reading spoilers.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

Bill Walton's 'WatchESPN' comment was a result of him doing acid in a forest

When Bill Walton says, 'Watch ESPN, I can watch you,' it's because he did acid in the forest and pulled up his Watch ESPN to watch UCLA versus USC, and was like, 'The game's watching me.'

Max Abmas' missed buzzer-beater against Arkansas is one of the most notable misses in NCAA tournament history

We've got [Max Abmas'] missed buzzer beater for Oral Roberts. I think it's up there with one of the most, like, Gordon Hayward missed territory. Like, it's one of the most notable misses in NCAA tournament history.

Oregon State is working to become known as 'Punter U'

We've had some pretty good punters come through. The punter for the New England Patriots, Ryan Allen, him and I walked on there together... So we're kind of trying to earn that nickname or the moniker Punter U. Tennessee might have it right now, but we're working on it.

Dude Perfect is essentially a kids' show and I would rather have my son watch them than anything else on the internet.

It's a fucking kid's show. ... If my son shows me when he's nine years old, like 'Check out this, Dad, I found this,' I'm like, 'Good,' because I'd rather you watch this than whatever's out on the fucking internet. ... This is the good path for like a regular young kid.

Nobody is lining up to learn about Karl Malone — go watch Tiger King or some shit

I don't think there's nobody lining up out there wanting to know about Carl Malone, so why boring with that? Let's watch the Tiger King or some shit like that.

Nikki Glaser was the best roaster and Ben Affleck was the worst at the Tom Brady Roast

I thought Nikki Glaser was the best because anytime you have a roast, like the professional comedians, you could just see why they're professional comedians... I thought Ben Affleck was the weirdest and worst. It was really strange. He spent 10 minutes yelling about like an anonymous Bills fan.

I couldn't take movie roles because playing a different character would ruin the Undertaker persona

I turned down other outside projects because to me, my mindset on this whole process was like I can't go and do a movie where I'm a different character and then come back and then try and be Undertaker. It was just too big of a disconnect.

Sammy Watkins is in a cult

My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being in a cult. ... As we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is in the cult for like the last three years on the show. Sammy really... talked about all the weird stuff. ... So now he's happy that he's in a cult.

A three-quarter-inch bottom-line ticker is unnecessary and sports broadcasts are better without it

I'll take sports back on TV... you can take [the ticker] away, that I can live without... I've seen some games where the bottom line just like not working sometimes... and the games I think are actually better without that, you know, eighth of an inch at the bottom of my screen taken up.

If you ever want to be humbled, you should read the comment section of an article about yourself

What I have done before is really bad. Now some of the Articles I've scrolled down and read the comments... Unbelievable the comments... Sometimes you want to be humbled read a comment. Yes right through that's a great quote... it'll be comment underneath [this interview]... probably Mass murderers.

UFC has ruined my brain for watching boxing

I have a take that UFC has kind of ruined my brain when it comes to boxing... I watched that fight and I was like why the fuck isn't he submitting him? Like, why isn't he taking him to the ground? Why isn't he kneeing him in the face? It's just there's a level of violence in the UFC that you expect when you see a fight and you're like I was sitting there watching like why isn't Fury just sit on him.

JJ Watt's heartfelt apology to Deshaun Watson was staged for the cameras

My Hot Seat is the Texans camera crew... JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson were sharing a heartfelt moment of JJ Watt apologizing to Deshaun Watson and he said, 'I'm sorry we wasted a season for you.' And a fucking camera guy caught it... he's got to be pretty embarrassed about that because that's something that, you know, between teammates... or else everyone's going to know what a great dude you are.