Takes

IPAs create man boobs

Fun fact, IPAs create man boobs, and that's why I'm going to get breast cancer someday.

LSU will go after Nick Saban to replace Les Miles

One name that's floating around that LSU is allegedly going to go after, Nick Saban. LSU wants Nick Saban to coach their football team.

Flossing is a myth and doesn't actually help your teeth

I don't floss. You guys heard flossing is not – yeah it doesn't do shit... It's a myth... It was on the internet. Dude, there was an article about it. Four to five dentists recommend you not floss.

Peyton Manning will not sign with the New England Patriots

Hard no. [Peyton Manning signing with the Patriots is a] hard no.

The Chicago Bulls have the only logo in the NBA that has never changed

The Bulls logo. Here's a fun fact for you, Hank. The only logo in the NBA that's never changed. And it's got blood on it, too. People forget. It's got blood on the horns.

The 'PMT Bump' gets guests massive contracts

You touch part of my take, you turn into gold. Facts are facts. David DiCastro... Kyle Long... Chris Long... A.J. Hawk. We told him how to get hired... Boom. On a team. Rainmakers. We are rainmakers.

Pardon My Take has more listeners than Bill Simmons

We have over 40 million listeners in six months. That's crazy. I'm just going to say it's more than Simmons. Yeah, it's more than [Bill] Simmons.

I am officially not retired and looking for the right NFL situation

I guess I am officially not retired at the moment. I think I'd pick up the right call, like the right situation that came about. I'm not completely done.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen might be getting a divorce

Like, maybe things aren't going so well in paradise? Maybe the big D word coming down the pike? Like, maybe he doesn't have such close ties with Brazil anymore?

Lions do not eat giraffes

I don't think that lions eat giraffes. No, I don't think so either. Giraffes would just kick the shit out of a lion and strangle them with their necks.

I only got a college scholarship because I won $1,400 in an underground poker game

I went to this underground game in Pittsburgh. I borrowed 100 bucks from one of my friends... I had jack nine... I caught a full house... I end up having $1,400. My dad spots me the other $100. I go down to the camp. I kick a 65-yard field goal... Tony Gibson from West Virginia University is there. 'You want a scholarship to West Virginia?'... without that tournament happening, [I have] no chance.

SportsCenter highlights of twins games are obsolete in the mobile era

If you just rolled tape from one of [Dan and Keith's] shows and watched it now, you'd say, man, that Twins highlight was pretty long. You just can't do a minute 30 of a Twins highlight that people have already seen on their phones.

The number one lie in sports is a coach claiming they aren't interviewing for other jobs

Number one [lie] is every time any coach anywhere says they're happy with their job and they're not interviewing. That's number one lie in all sports.

Ed Hochuli wears extra small jerseys to make his biceps look bigger

I'm saying if you think a guy that buys extra small jerseys and cuts off the ends of them, if you think and does 100 push-ups before he goes out on the field to make them look bigger, if you think that's a show-off, I think it's a show-off.

Giancarlo Stanton's season-ending injury is definitive proof of the Home Run Derby curse

He had the home run derby curse... so we actually predicted this. Not to brag, but we called it. Like a month ago, we said whoever's going to win is going to be out for the rest of the season. So sometimes it's tough to keep track of how right we are all the time.

Prince Fielder will finish his career with the exact same number of home runs as his father

If Prince Fielder never plays another Major League Baseball game, he will end his career with 319 home runs. Same amount of home runs as Cecil Fielder.

It is unavoidable for every high-volume media company to eventually have a scandal like the Hulk Hogan Gawker story.

It seems like it's unavoidable at certain points to have some story, because you're just churning out lots of content, to have some story go awry and go off the rails. I mean, Hogan, I think, is the most extreme, completely insane example of it. But I think that it's difficult, almost impossible to avoid.

I am 100% innocent of all criminal charges

I'm innocent without a doubt. The charges are related to some hedge funds I operated in a public company I operated. Don't have one person who has ever complained. You won't find one person that ever lost money... I'll never take a plea deal. I'm 100% innocent.

My company Turing is worth one billion dollars

I don't like to talk about it, but if you look at the company, Turing, that I own, I think that company is worth a billion dollars.

No one on the Patriots actually has Tom Brady's phone number

I've strictly asked that question multiple times, and he [Nate Ebner] said no one on the Patriots has Brady's number, but if you want to get a hold of him, you contact his massage therapist.

Getting shot in the arm feels like being hit by a golf ball at close range

It doesn't feel hot at all. It feels like you're standing in a tee box and somebody just lines up a golf ball and smokes, checks the shit out of you with the golf ball.

The NFL conspiracy to take down Tom Brady is a proven fact

Do you think that they unfairly accused [Brady] of something and it's a conspiracy just to sit down the face of the NFL? ... Yes, that's actually a proven fact. ... Yeah, they just don't like the Patriots. Too much winning.

Wearing hats and helmets causes baldness because hair needs sun and rain to grow

If you're wearing a hat, it's like you can't grow plants indoors, right? So therefore, if you go your whole life wearing hats and helmets, I can see how like your hair doesn't get enough sun and rain, and so it would not grow as well later on.

Intellectual activity can cause baldness

Intellectual activity can cause baldness. ... Most professors have glasses and they're bald.

Adam Morrison has an apocalypse bunker with guns and food in Spokane

Adam Morrison is like an apocalypse-like guy who has – does he have like gold and cash and he's got a bunker? He's definitely fully equipped. He's got food, everything, if anything went down. He thinks something's going down with politics.

I am the reason for the flat-brim hat trend in baseball

I live in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I see all these Little Leaguers wear 8-1-8 hats, so I feel like I'm the reason for that. So, you know, I'm definitely taking silent credit for changing the game, changing the hat-fitted game.

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

iTunes doesn't exist in Canada

I don't even know if that counts for the iTunes rankings. I don't think they have iTunes in Canada, so we don't actually appreciate them, but we'll just say we appreciate them.

Zack Hample is a 100% liar regarding how he obtained his Fort Bragg ticket

I decided to tell the truth and call out the liar and his friends and his family. ... [Zack Hample] is [a liar] absolutely, positively, 100%. And I've given him an opportunity to come clean, and like say, I'm sorry, you know, I made a mistake... He needs to say it because in about a couple of hours, he's going to be proven to be a 100% liar.

Marlins Man was only complaining about not getting into the Fort Bragg game, not skipping it out of respect

I asked him, the first thing I asked him before the game was, hey, are you going to Fort Bragg? He said nothing about respecting the military. All he did was complain about how he couldn't get in and how he does so much to promote Sunday night baseball and Major League Baseball. But MLB and the Marlins are being mean and they won't let him in. ... So for him to now suddenly be bashing me for going is just quite frankly bizarre.

The only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war is obesity

What's the only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war? Nobody. It's obesity. We lost that one. Just like we have lost the war on obesity.

I can chug a gallon of milk and run a mile in 10 minutes

[PFT asks if he could do the milk mile] Yeah, I could do that. I wouldn't run that quickly, but I'd probably finish right about 10 minutes.

Harambe the gorilla had no intentions of hurting the child in the enclosure

He wasn't going to hurt the child. Exactly. He had no intentions of hurting the child at all... He was playing with the child. He was helping the child out of the moat. Exactly. His intentions were not to hurt the child. That I can feel clear.

Muhammad Ali would never have died if he were a female soccer player

Medically they gave it the name Parkinson's... but actually it was not something, I believe that if he was not a fighter, he would never have died because of that. [If he were a woman soccer player] it would have been safer... and he would have had fewer blows to the head.

I officially made it in life because Darren Rovell included my tweet in a headline round-up

Guys, I made it. I officially made it in life. I made it on Darren Rovell's headline tweets... Miracle on Iceland. Come on. Just tell me. That's pretty good. I mean, I'm there. You guys are now in the presence of greatness.

I can probably still dunk on a 10-foot goal

[Can you still dunk?] You mean on a 10-foot goal? Yes. Probably not... Yeah, I mean, yeah I could. I could.

Derrick Rose can't dunk anymore

Derek Rose doesn't dunk. He can't dunk anymore. He dunked once last year, and it wasn't even a dunk. He, like, lightly put it over the rim.

Shaquille O'Neal used to walk around the Miami Heat locker room fully naked all the time

When he gets out the shower and stuff, everybody else is putting towels on and wrapping up. [Shaq] will come out just naked. Yeah, that's Shaq for you. I've seen him come in the locker room several times and do it.

I could still shoot 40% from three-point range today despite not playing for 18 months

I haven't touched the ball in 18 months. So, maybe 40. I'm not even giving myself 50%. Maybe 40%. I mean, I ain't touched the ball in 18 months. You know, I mean, it's going to take me a while to get back in routine.

Maria Sharapova being caught for PEDs proves Serena Williams is using them too

My witch hunt is actually going to be, I think that this proves without a doubt that Serena Williams has been using PEDs. Because Sharapova is 2-19 against Serena Williams while Sharapova was taking PED.

DeAndre Jordan makes at least 60% of his free throws in practice

Honestly, he goes over and shoots on the side after we're done and everybody else is shooting. He probably shoots at least 60% in practice, maybe more.

The 1990s Bulls are the best team of all time based on combined regular and postseason records

If you add up the regular season and the postseason record, the Bulls already have the title for best team of all time. This chicken is fucked. Put to bed. Tucked in. Like a cigarette.

NHL superstars like Sidney Crosby get better treatment from refs and can bully linesmen into letting them cheat on face-offs

Typically superstars do get a better treatment just because they can bully linesmen a lot more than say no namers... Whereas if Joe Thornton's like, 'Hey, drop the fucking puck when I want it,' he'll be like... 'Hey Michael [Jordan], I didn't see it, but I'm going to call it now.' It's very similar to that.

The giant alligator on the Florida golf course is fake

I think this is a Kimmel stunt or it's a viral thing for the owners of the golf course. There's no way that thing's real. The alligator was like – its back was about four and a half feet off the ground and it walked like it was two human beings... I think they're trying to play a next level one on us. And 99% sure that alligator is definitely fake.

The only difference between a mixtape and an album is price

[Mixtapes are] for free. Albums you have to technically pay for. You can still find it for free, but technically it costs money. Mixtapes are just for free. Musically... there's really not much of a difference.

Canadians actually hate Sidney Crosby

Canadians hate Sidney Crosby. That's actually a fact... Everyone hates Sidney Crosby. It was just decided upon, and that's how it is. He doesn't have a man card.

People forget that Steven Adams is only 22 years old

People forget that Steven Adams is 22 years old. It's unbelievable because he looks like he's 37. It's crazy.

Kevin Love is the best player of all time because he is 12-0 in the playoffs

People forget that Kevin Love is undefeated in the NBA playoffs... He's undefeated. 12-0. The Cavs literally never lost with Kevin Love. Kevin Love has literally never lost in the playoffs. He's maybe the best player of all time.

Michael Jordan doesn't actually get paid for the Crying Jordan meme

Black Twitter bullied ja rule off of twitter and and this was because ja rule said that michael jordan gets paid a dollar for every time the crime jordan face is tweeted yes yeah which if we are ranking ja rules tweets it actually wasn't the top tweet he's ever had... This guy thinks he just cracked the lotto and Michael Jordan makes a dollar off every picture on the internet.

JJ Watt grunts and moans while chasing quarterbacks

No, [JJ Watt] is not a big talker at all. Like it's kind of – you kind of just – you hear him like grunting and moaning behind you as he's coming. He just makes noises, really.