Takes

I'm betting on Lamar Jackson because he plays better with diarrhea

Another important thing to note is that Lamar Jackson has been out two days this week with diarrhea. Again, he's the most diarrhea quarterback in the NFL and he always plays great. He plays lighter when he's at diarrhea. So this is a big time intestinal bug issue for the Ravens and for Lamar Jackson. So I'm going to bet on Lamar Jackson.

Watching football is 10 times more stressful than playing it

It proves that watching football is by a factor of 10 more difficult than playing football. We just, they, they are the operator of the rollercoaster. We're just so long for the ride. So we prove it our point. Yeah. I already got it. I'd like to see one of them trade positions with us for a weekend. They couldn't do it.

The Colts would be better with Ryan Fitzpatrick than Philip Rivers

I have a take that's going to hurt my own myself, but I think the Colts would be better with Ryan Fitzpatrick. That would be wild wouldn't it? That would be wild now we're now that you said it it kind of makes sense.

The Browns are publicly shaming Deshaun Watson by forcing him to continue playing quarterback.

What if we're just thinking about it wrong? What if this is just the Browns actually doing justice in a public shaming way. They're like, he's so bad. And we know he is so bad he can't play quarterback. We're just gonna make him continue to play quarterback and publicly shame him because that's the only justice he'll ever have. ... The only way that the league can punish him? Make him continue to play quarterback.

Scotty Scheffler was set up to be arrested by the PGA to boost TV ratings

I have reasons to believe that Scotty was set up to be arrested. If you look at the PGA numbers the day before it was extremely down... They paid a cop to tell Scotty the wrong information. The police department knew what time he'd be coming in and what car he would be in. I believe it was set up for large number of views the next couple days.

Nick Saban doesn't have sex, he just 'soaks' and watches film

I don't think that Saban has sex. I think that Saban just soaks. You know what soaking is? Yeah, it's the Mormon thing. He just soaks it for a while. And then he's watching film, grading players at the same time.

JJ Watt is a better football player than he is a person

He was a much better player? Yes. He was like one of the top three all-time players... He has three defensive player of the year awards Only one man of the year award. So I'd say he's a better, the stats don't lie. He's a better player than he is a person.

The Texans defense is actually better without J.J. Watt

But the one silver lining for all you Texans fans out there, we've had rumblings. Texans defense might be better without J.J. Watt. Oh, it definitely is. He's a system D-end.

Contracting toxoplasmosis from cats will make you a fearless 'Berserker' warrior

45% of the population has this parasite called toxoplasmosis that comes from cat feces... it makes mice not fear predators so they just wander on and then the cats eat it... I want to be fearless. The Berserker cult has to contract toxoplasmosis and we'll all just be fearless Berserker warriors... when I contract toxoplasmosis, I will be an absolute fearless warrior and it will be sick.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

The Washington Generals have a better winning culture than the Redskins have had for the last 30 years

They've been so bad that the name Washington Generals is more aligned with a winning culture than the Washington Redskins has been for the last 30 years. ... We've tried everybody, we've tried everything possible. Let's Rebrand.

J.J. Watt should commit a small crime like animal abuse to fix his bad boy image

J.J. needs to kind of break out of this goody two shoes, like vibe that he's putting out... I think he just needs to go out and commit a small crime, like animal abuse, you know, a crime. Nobody really cares about something like that. Maybe start a small fire. That would kind of give him that little bit of a bad boy edge.

JJ Watt's fast recovery from surgery is a result of using steroids

Steroids are back. JJ Watt had two huge sacks, not implying anything. I'm just saying. He had a really serious surgery a couple weeks ago, right? ... Jesus and steroids, shout out.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

Jesus is the greatest comeback ever because he got crossed up and came back three days later

My first one is going to be Jesus... Jesus got crossed up, came back three days later. Pretty impressive. Saved all of humanity. So a little disrespectful on your guys' account, not picking Jesus, number one.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

Oregon belongs in the SEC based on vibes alone

I honestly think that on vibes alone, Oregon should be in the sec. I feel like that's, that's where they belong as a, as a school. If I'm just like going strictly off five.

Oregon State is the greatest team of all time

Oregon State, Loyola Chicago. Oregon State is just the greatest team of all time. And I'm going to say that about pretty much every team, just be warned that I don't have a lot in my repertoire right now, but they are the greatest team as of right now.

Bill Belichick manipulated Sean McVay into watching too much film for Super Bowl LIII by praising his dedication.

I believe that Bill Belichick knew that [Sean McVay] was going to go and watch too much film... He's been calling Sean McVay all season long... Telling him stuff and being like, Sean, one thing I really admire about you is your dedication to film study.

The Phoenix Suns are better without Chris Paul

I think in a sick way they definitely are better without Chris Paul. 100%. Because if you got Devin Booker and Kevin Durant, those guys, they can both create their own shots... they're not reliant on Chris Paul to run their offense.

The Browns might actually be better without Deshaun Watson and Nick Chubb

Do you think that the Cleveland Browns are better without Deshaun Watson, Nick Chubb and Joel Bitonio? They might be. And you had a lot of people talking about the 49ers being super injured today. Well, the Browns, they they got you beat when it comes to major injuries.

JJ Watt is actually dead and has been replaced by a clone to cover up his social media absence.

I think J.J. Watt's dead... I think when he comes back, that's not J.J. Watt. That's going to be a clone that they've replaced him with. J.J. Watt... could not stay off social media for this long.

The Houston Texans are better off without J.J. Watt

I want their team to go so far in the playoffs that are the Houston Texans better without J.J. Watt takes start to heat up. Because if they win, I'll say if they win two playoff games. Yeah, if they win two playoff games, you're going to get those takes, and I'm here for those.

Deontay Wilder was gassed because he had to walk through the MGM Grand for 10 minutes

Watching Deontay Wilder have to walk through the entirety of the MGM Grand... it was no joke 10 minutes of him just walking through the through the back rooms. I said right then and there I was like he is going to be gassed because that is everyone knows that feeling when you're in a casino and you've been walking around.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

The Suns are better without Chris Paul because he brings bad vibes

Get Chris Paul on your team and then have him get injured. And that way everybody is psyched that they don't have to play with Chris Paul anymore. Better vibes on the team.

The Golden State Warriors are better without Steph Curry because Klay Thompson can finally shine

I think the Golden State Warriors are a better basketball team without Steph Curry... Thompson can really shine now. [Clay] will actually get to shoot. And he's actually a better shooter than [Steph].

JJ Watt eating a raw egg on Jimmy Fallon is condoning mass murder and sweatshops

Each egg is actually like a chicken abortion. So like you're basically condoning mass murder when you eat that egg... eggs are produced in unsanitary hen houses. So they're basically sweatshops for chickens. So that's not cool.

The Hall of Fame game cancellation was a conspiracy to force viewers to watch the Olympics.

The Olympics, tonight was supposed to be their big night. They needed the ratings... NBC, their president is a guy named Steve Burke. Steve Burke just happens to be a former Disney executive. Maybe he called in a favor... [the painter] is probably the easiest person in the world to pay off.

LeBron James' best dad move ever was getting Bronny drafted into the NBA

Lebron is a better father than he is basketball player? Yeah, I think, didn't we we determin that on Friday. Yeah. The fact that he got Bronny drafted. Yeah. No basketball player has ever done that before. But I do think he went up to him [Stephen A. Smith] like Stephen A. Smith played the role afterwards.

The Houston Texans might actually be better without J.J. Watt

And we're all have to wonder, are the Texans better without J.J. Watt?

Society was better when people who performed mentalist tricks were treated like witches

We used to be a proper society. We used to drown those people, like witches burn them. Yeah. Like it's getting a little to the point where it's like, should we throw, should we throw some rocks at him at the town square?

Tom Brady’s career was the direct result of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

He's the walking embodiment of the butterfly effect... Gabriel Prince [Gavrilo Princip] got assassinated or assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand... It immediately led to Tom Brady's career in the NFL. Started all of it.

Sarah Strong might end up being a better WNBA player than Caitlin Clark

I think [Sarah Strong] might be a better WNBA player than Caitlin Clark. What about that? Whoa... I'm a Juju [Watkins] guy, but [Strong] is a problem.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

The Grizzlies might actually be better without Ja Morant

We have a new narrative. That's very fun. Are the Grizzlies better? Without Ja Morant? ... the stat is the warriors or sorry, the Grizzlies are now I think 21 and six without Ja Morant.

The Chicago Bears getting Jay Cutler was the worst trade of all time

So my worst trade of all time probably, I know this is my fourth, but it's really the worst, was the Chicago Bears getting Jay Cutler. Really bad trade. Very terrible trade.

Aaron Rodgers might be washed because Davante Adams chose to play with Matthew Stafford over waiting for him

That also might mean that Aaron Rogers could be washed. Because Davante Adams [to the] Rams. Wouldn't you think he would be like, oh, I'm gonna wait to see where Rogers goes. And he is like, no, I'd actually rather just go with Stafford.

JJ Watt is a significantly better football player than he is a person

A lot of people will say like, JJ Watt great player, all-time player, even better person. That's bullshit. You're a way better football player than you are a person and you're a pretty good person.

Deshaun Watson has overcome too much in his past

I disagree with him [Johnny Fanta] about Deshaun. If there's a knock on Deshaun, he has overcome too much in his past.

Fans should respect my privacy and absolutely not watch the Commanders vs. Broncos game on Sunday Night Football.

Why is this game on Sunday night football? It sucks... Nobody should watch this game. Yeah. Like it, it honestly feels perverted that you would want to tune and watch this. This is a personal matter that I have that I'm dealing with... please respect my privacy.

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott... Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker.

Nick Saban should have his man card revoked for getting a massage because of neck pain from watching film

Nick had to go out there and get a massage because he watched too much film and hurt his neck. So take his man card, Hank.

NFL film dorks who watch the 'dots' don't actually like football

You can't use the dots... They use the overhead dots and the overhead. I don't know who likes watching the dots. It's all the like, film nerd people. You don't, you don't like football if you like watching the dots. Yeah. Or maybe, maybe you can, but I can't appreciate looking at the dots and understanding how awesome football is. Nobody's hitting each other. There's nothing cool that happens.

Watching amateur golfers is better than watching professional golfers

People love amateur stuff. Whether it's pornography or it's golfers, it's almost better watching people who aren't professionals do it.

TJ Watt's injury might be a psychological 'Art of War' ploy to trick the Ravens

I have a theory about TJ Watt's injury... I think this could be an Art of War situation. Sun Sue Art of War. Make your enemy think that you were weak when you were strong... Start throwing out the one in 10 without TJ Watts Stats... Let people start thinking during the week of practice. Maybe TJ's not gonna be playing this week.

The Browns would be better with Kirk Cousins and the Vikings would be better with Baker Mayfield

I actually think that the way that those two teams are built, the Browns would be better with Kirk Cousins. And the Vikings would be better with baker Mayfield than they are right now... if Kirk cousins was on the Browns and it's like, okay, all you do is you take what's there. You let your defense handle business, you run the ball. That's kind of the team that he's built to win for... I think that baker would be better with the weapons that they have in Minnesota, where yeah. You can make a few mistakes, but also you can hit a shitload of home runs.

LeBron James' tears after winning the Cleveland championship were fake

I'm not a huge LeBron fan. I feel like he's very calculated. I felt like when he cried after he won it for Cleveland, he felt like he had to cry because MJ cried when he came back and did his thing and it made it emotional. Fake tears.

Bird watching is a fraudulent community because sightings are impossible to verify

What's to stop people from saying, yeah, hey, I saw that bird? Like you can lie and say that you're the best birder of all time. ... We're the Rachel Dolezals of the bird community.

Jim Harbaugh doesn't actually know his own roster when he wakes up every morning

I actually don't think that Jim Harbaugh knows what his roster is when he wakes up every morning. It's like Groundhog Day. Jim Harbaugh lives his life like a football Bill Murray.